This is Our Love
There are good days and there are bad days. Which one it would be was never certain, and so Suga had begun to strategize in order to combat each individual situation. Living life one day, one moment at a time was exhausting; but if he tried hard enough there was always a reward for sticking it out. Always.
You see, Sugawara Koushi worried incessantly. It didn't matter how small the problem was, once his mind got ahold of it. Catastrophizing. That's what his counselor had called it. Panicked thoughts would gnaw and scrape against his sensitive nature until he was raw, and had no other option than to shut down entirely and try to 'reboot'.
Small things, inconsequential things, like an unkind glance from a stranger could trigger panic and rot his gut. How he'd managed not to develop an ulcer at any point in his college career was a mystery in itself. That, he supposed, was something worth crediting to his body.
How he'd abused it over the years; hyperventilating over a math test gone wrong to staring numb, practically catatonic after his ex dumped him for someone easier to manage. Never had he resorted to physical harm in any traditional sense, no. His form of punishment was much more internal and damaging.
They don't tell you you can break yourself if you're not careful. Well, again, that thought was probably exaggerated, but it was certainly true that you could beat yourself black and blue where no one could see it. Suga was well-liked, he was seen as moderately intelligent and caring, even though he struggled everyday to be well.
On this particular morning, it had all stemmed from a dream (as it often did as of late). The details were quickly fading into the background, yet the hot, crawling anxiety gripped his throat and choked him until he was gasping, unable to draw a full breath.
"...Koushi...Koushi! Hey hey… I'm here!" A frantic whisper came from his side and he squinted uncomfortably when the lamp on the nightstand opposite him flickered on. Unable to see, he felt a warm palm stretch over his hand and place it gently on a solid wall of gently expanding and contracting muscle.
"It's alright, love, come back to me." The sternum beneath his fingers buzzed with a deep, honey-soothing voice. "Feel how I'm breathing? Try to match it, now." The buzzing stopped and the wall moved slow and emphatic under his touch.
In.
And out.
In.
Emulating this pattern as best he could, the hammering in his own chest began to slow. It wasn't perfect at first, but eventually air came easier and filled his lungs without constricting pain. Eventually Suga's hand gently massaged the torso under his thumbs gratefully, and his eyes gently opened while adjusting to the light.
"There you are." A loving baritone breathed beside him. "I knew I'd find you."
Suga ran a hand through his silver-blond hair, cringing at how the damp locks had plastered to his fevered face. "Sorry." He murmured as he always did, his eyes slanting with shame to the sage-green wall beside him. It was frustrating, taking two steps forward and stumbling back again. The past several months had been a marked improvement over those before it; therapy was helping, and so was the one now gently turning his face back to the other side.
"Koushi, don't run away from me," requested, his dark chocolate eyes soft and knowing above him.
"Daichi," he managed breathlessly, "I'm sorry I woke you up- I know you have work early." Suga's tunnel vision was fading, and he could take in the toned bare arms surrounding him protectively and the matching determination in his square jaw.
"I'll always wake up for you. Do you know what set it off?" He settled back down on his side and tugged at Suga until he was spooned securely against his sturdy chest. "You don't have to talk about it, but I'm here to listen if you do."
The dark hair of his partner moved in and out of his vision as he settled back into the curve of his lover's body. "I don't remember much." He admitted, chewing on his lip in an attempt at recall, "I just didn't feel safe. Like I was being watched or hunted."
Daichi Sawamura frowned, humming into the long, pale column of Suga's neck. "You're safe here with me." He dismissed the idea entirely. "No one will dare make you feel that way while I'm around." There was an aggressive strength in the way his sentence was nearly growled against the pulse under his lips. "I promise."
Suga's lips quirked slightly on one end as he shut his weary eyes again.
"I love you, Daichi. Thank you." He whispered, grazing the rough knuckle around his own with a gentle kiss.
"And I, you." He breathed into his shoulder. "Lean on me."
The night had been a terror in his life for so long, he reveled in the reminder that there were reasons for him to feel safe now. A reason to get up, set his feet and continue to push through the darkness. Beyond all that sadness, guilt, depression and anger was his will to continue living.
His Daichi was the shield that held the monsters at bay, and each moment they spent together would be a victory. A celebration of what it meant to be human: to suffer and carry on.
"and here you are living
despite it all"
-Rupi Kaur