Its two thirty in the morning and Jo Harvelle can't sleep, mostly because Dean is sleeping just a few feet away from her. When she came back to the Roadhouse, she came knowing that she would run into him from time to time, her mother had been sure to warn her about that. Ellen liked Dean and Sam, was willing to do whatever she could to help them, but as she told Jo, she wasn't willing to sacrifice her only daughter at Dean Winchester's altar. Jo still wasn't sure exactly what her mother meant by that, but at this point in her life, she knew whatever it was, it wasn't good.
"Stop it." Dean's gruff voice calls to her, and when she looks up from where she was vigorously scrubbing the bar's counter she finds him watching her. His eyes look tired, and his face even more worn than the last time she saw him. He's three days past the time when he should have shaved, and it's apparent a hair brush has become a foreign object to him. But he's handsome, he's possible the most handsome man slash boy (because let's face it, he's never fully matured) she's ever seen in her life. And she finds that totally unfair.
"Stop what?" She snaps back before she can censor herself and calm down. Her voice is a bit harsh and she knows from experience, that Dean never backs down from a fight. At any minute they're going to start trading insults and she's just too damn tired for that tonight. "Never mind. I'm going to bed."
She begins walking towards the back, but he calls out to her again, just her name, and she's compelled to stop and turn back around. He's lifted his head fully off the table now, and he's pushing to his feet, stretching as he does so, and causing his t shirt to ride up on his stomach.
So unfair.
"It's late." She reminds him, hoping he'll get to the point and soon. A few more minutes of standing there and staring at him and she's going to be in worse shape than the last time she saw him and let him walk out of her life. Or maybe let really isn't the best word, because no one let Dean Winchester do anything, no one besides his father, and John was now dead.
"I know. You're the one who's been scrubbing that bar for the last three hours, until I'm pretty damn sure there's no shine left on it… Can't sleep?" He asks, and she hates herself for hoping that he actually cares, for almost believing that its concern she's hearing in his voice. She should know by now, that Dean doesn't give a damn about her, he couldn't make it any clearer if he actively tried.
"It's been a long day." She shrugs, unwilling to explain further. She doesn't want to tell him that she was just fine until he and Sam came barging in there earlier that night. She doesn't want him to know that for the first few seconds when he got there, it was all she could do to stare at him, rememorize every inch of him, until she forced herself to look away so her mother didn't get suspicious.
Ellen would banish both Dean and Sam if she knew how Jo felt about Dean, Jo was certain about that. So she kept it to herself. Not that she wanted to broadcast it anyway. Unrequited feelings sucked. She hadn't had them until Dean, but once was more than enough. She liked it much better when she was the one being hit on and ogled. That was just fine. This was not fine, this was some horrible punishment she didn't even know she deserved.
"Everything okay?" His tone takes on this protective growl that turns her insides to mush and makes her forget all the promises she made to herself five minutes after he arrived and barely said hello to her. "Jo…" he steps closer to her and reaches out for her hand, tentatively taking it in his own.
"I'm tired." She actually manages to speak, though it's hard with him touching her and looking at her like she actually matters. For so long all she wanted to do was matter to him. Even if it's just an illusion, brought on by lack of sleep for her and lack of options for him, she doesn't much care. She'll take it.
"Me too." He agrees, and releases her hand in favor of wiping at his own face. She watches him as he runs a hand through his messy hair, and brushes at the stubble growing along his jaw. And a force outside of herself urges her to follow the same path, so shyly, she does.
She waits for him to stop her when her cool fingers brush his cheek, but he doesn't. His eyes startle for a moment, before he relaxes again, closing them completely and allowing her to do whatever she wants. She begins feeling more confident, and slowly begins caressing his jaw. His stubble tickles her fingers at first contact and she nearly jerks her hand away, but he seems to anticipate this, and closes his own hand over hers keeping it on his cheek.
"You need to shave." She tells him obviously, but her voice has this breathless quality that neither of them miss. It makes her cringe, but he doesn't seem to mind. "You know you can borrow my bed if you want… sleep for a little while. I'm sure you and Sam will be pulling out of here in the morning, you need the rest…"
He says nothing, just stands there watching her, studying her, until she's sure she's going to burst at any minute. She doesn't think he realizes the weight of his gaze right then, the things it makes her feel and want. Things she knows she'll never get to have, is not even sure she truly wants, except for right then at two thirty in the morning, when nothing else matters but the moment they were living.
"I'm okay." He mumbles under his breath, his voice raspy and hollow. For the first time since he's arrived she allows herself to really look at him, look deep beneath the surface and she realizes he's anything but fine. He's so far from fine, she's not sure he'll ever find his way back and that breaks her heart.
"Come on," she clasps his hand into her own and tugs him along after her. She expects him to put up a fight, but when he doesn't she knows it's worse than even she can see. The situation with Sam, the hunt for the demon, it's taken its toll on Dean, and he's hit his breaking point.
Jo pulls him into her bedroom, careful to make sure no one is watching before she shuts the door behind them. She wants to help Dean out any way she can, but if her mother knew where he was right then, Ellen would surely throw a fit. Jo could handle it, but she didn't think Dean could, not that night.
"Sit down." She instructed him, giving him a gentle push until he fell back upon her bed. He opened his mouth to protest, but she sent him a silencing look that actually worked. "Take your shoes off." She ordered him, and surprisingly he did as he was told.
"You don't have to do this… I'm really all right." He assured her, but it was fake and not at all true, something even he couldn't hide. "Your mother would have my balls if she knew I was in here."
Jo laughed at the imagery. "I can't believe you're that scared of her. I thought you were a big bad demon hunter. Even Sam isn't that afraid of her." Jo turned back to him a challenging glint in her eyes. Fighting with Dean sucked, but sparring with him could actually be quite fun.
He just grinned at her though, all energy completely depleted.
"Don't worry," Jo decided to ease his mind, "I made sure she wasn't watching when I brought you in here and I'll wake you up earlier enough so she doesn't see you leave. It'll be our little secret." She tried to smile at him, but her bravado failed her in that moment as she looked at him. He looked so lost, so small sitting against her bed, and all she wanted to do was hold him and make it better for him.
Taking a chance, one she knew could do her more harm than good, she sat next to him on the bed, and pulled one of his hands into her own. He didn't resist, just let her do what she wanted, and that disheartened her even more. Someone had to help him, someone had to do something. Didn't Sam see what was going on with him? Jo was suddenly furious that it had gotten this bad, that no one had stepped in and given Dean a break. She couldn't imagine a lifetime of looking after others, and sacrificing everything yourself. But that's what Dean did, that had been one of the first things she'd realized about when she'd met him. Behind all the bluster and ornery attitude was a guy with a heart the size of Texas, willing to do anything and everything to protect his family, even sacrifice himself, something he had done time and time again.
"I want to make it better for you." She admitted before she could think better of it and guard her thoughts. Telling a big strong guy like Dean that she wanted to protect him was the worst mistake a person could possibly make. She expected his defenses to go right back up, but still he said nothing, just sat beside her expressionless.
"Sleep would be good." He finally allowed, and kicked off his last boot, before grabbing for the bottom of his t-shirt and pulling it off too. Jo did her best to avert her eyes. Temptation was so not on the menu right now, she needed to help him, not drool over him.
He began sliding back on the bed, when she stopped him again. "Pants." She ordered neutrally, hoping he couldn't see the way her hands were shaking. If he could he would surely be able to tell how much all of this was affecting her and then that would be awkward, and he'd never let her help him.
Dean had to be number one priority. For once someone was going to take care of him, and tonight that would be her. It wouldn't be forever, she knew that. She knew that she'd never have him the way she wanted him, the way she sometimes dreamed about. But that would be okay, because they just weren't meant to be. But tonight she could put all that aside and focus on letting him relax. If nothing else she could give him a good nights sleep.
"You're pushy." He croaked, completely run down. But she would swear there was a little bit of a laugh behind his words and that warmed her. At least he didn't think she was a freak trying to take advantage of him. That would put a real damper on the evening.
Doing as she asked he undid his jeans, and she yanked them off at the end of the bed, when he looked like he could no longer move. It was unsettling to see him so weak, when up until that very moment she actually thought him unshakable. He had been shaken though, in the last few months, maybe the last few years, he had been tested time and time again. He needed a break, a huge long vacation, but she knew she could never convince him of that, so she just continued to try and make him as comfortable as can be.
"Boxers, nice." She commented lightly, trying to relieve some of the unwanted tension she could feel creeping into the air around them. He was watching her again, but this time there was something predatory in his gaze and it scared her. Because she knew if he just gave her one sign, however small, she would be just as lost as he was, except she would be drowning in him. And then what would she do in the morning when he left.
Dean would always leave, that was just a fact of life.
"Do you need anything else? Water? A beer? Milk? Milk would probably be good," she began to ramble, doing everything she could to avoid the intensity of his eyes on her. "Warm milk might be even better. It used to help me sleep when I was a kid. I'll go get you some and be right back-" she tried for the door, but he called out stopping her before she could make it.
"Please c'mere." He beckoned her, and her legs began moving before she could stop them, landing her right beside him on the bed. "I just…" he looked away from her for a moment, doing his best to pull himself together and failing. "Can you stay with me… please Jo…" he stared up at her, asking her for something she wasn't sure she could give him without totally betraying herself.
Without a word she slipped her shoes off and began to pull down her pants. She turned back around to him before she did though and motioned for him to close his eyes. A ghost of a smile passed over his lips, before he did what she asked and then she finished changing into her pajamas.
"Too bad you don't sleep naked." He whispered into her ear when she finally settled down beside him, and she kicked at his leg beneath the cover. "Ow." He chuckled, the first sign that night that he was still alive, and not just walking through life like a zombie.
"Are you okay?" She asked a few minutes later, the darkness and the weight of his arm around her waist making her feel secure enough to venture the question. There was something so different about that night. She felt connected to him in a way she never had before. She knew the second the sun came up it would end, but it was enough to just have that time then.
It had to be.
"I'm fine." He returned, and she could feel his warm breath against his neck, where he was burrowed up against her. It seemed like they lost inches of space by the minute, not that she minded, she liked feeling close to him.
"Dean." Her voice was stern and uncompromising.
"It's been a long day." He echoed her earlier statements and she realized he would never totally relinquish the heavy burden he carried on his back. "Let's just lay here okay… forget it all for now. Forget you hate me. Forget I am who I am and you are who you are. Let's just…" he let the silence linger after that.
"I don't hate you." She finally admitted a little while later when she was sure he was still asleep. She could tell because the hand he hand resting on her hip, kept moving back and forth in a soothing motion. She wasn't sure that he realized he was doing it, and it felt way too good to stop him. But it also meant he hadn't gotten the sleep he so needed to get.
"Sure you do." He shot back but there was no real fire in his voice.
"I sometimes wish I do, but I don't… You're not your dad. I know that. Things happen in this life, people die and leave…" she turned over then so she was facing him, just inches away. "I guess I'm not as tough as I like to believe."
"You're tough." He promised her, and without thinking she leaned in a placed a quick kiss on his lips. It spoke of nothing but appreciation, but it was something that had never happened before, and brought their conversation to a screeching halt.
"I'm sorry…" she tried to turn back, over but he wouldn't let her. "I didn't mean to-" she tried to explain, but the feeling of his lips crashing onto hers, stopped all further thoughts.
Dean was kissing her, like really kissing her. Not the quick little peck that she had given him, but full on passionate kissing that was seriously leaving her breathless. This was like her dreams, except it seemed more real, somehow better and worse at the same time. They laid like that for a while, exploring each other, her more tentative, him much bolder. Finally she pulled away from him, confused and scared of what was happening, of what would happen if it lasted a minute longer.
"Dean…" she didn't know what to say.
"Do you want to stop?" He asked and it looked like it physically pained him to even think about it. That pleased her and she ended up leaning in to kiss him again. If he wanted her that much and she wanted him, why did it have to be wrong.
All her life she had been responsible, always thinking first then acting, never making a false move or bad decision. Dean was both of those things. He was a dead end street for all intents and purposes, but she just didn't give a damn. Because right then, in that moment, on her bed, she felt free, she felt alive, and she wanted him more than she had ever wanted anyone in her whole life.
If it was wrong, she just didn't care.
Later, they laid there tangled in each other's arms, trying desperately to catch their breaths and calm down. The sun was coming up which meant people would start stirring soon, and they had to leave each other. Jo was at peace with that, she had been when she'd brought him into that room, when he'd kissed her, when they'd actually made love.
Made love. That sounded so corny, but she couldn't exactly call it fucking. There was too much emotion behind it to be so crass, even if all the emotion was on her end. Had sex. That sounded better, maybe that's how she would think of it. And if she actually had any girlfriends to discuss it with, she would probably explain it that way. Made love was too romance novel and nothing about her life was particularly peachy or romantic, especially nothing having to do with Dean Winchester.
"You should get dressed." She managed to get out, still completely wiped out from their earlier activities. Her dreams had nothing on the real thing. She was afraid Dean had successfully ruined all future relationships she might have.
Great, just great.
"I don't think I can move." He admitted, but the hand that was stirring against her breast told another story. "At least not out of this bed." He added as an afterthought, and turned her head up so he could reach her mouth again.
Jo let the kiss linger for a moment, before she gathered the strength to pull away from him and get out of the bed. She was quick to pull on a robe, way too modest to just parade around there naked. Jo was sure Dean had seen plenty of naked women, he'd even seen her, but that was in the dark under cover. Light could be unkind to a girl, and the sun was definitely streaming in at that point.
"You can't hide now." He called out to her, and his smile was actually vibrant and alive for once. "Come back to bed." He leaned over and snagged one of her arms, yanking her hard enough to have her tumbling back on top of him just where he wanted her. "Better." He mumbled before he found her mouth again.
Jo was just about to give in and say the hell with it, when a loud knock rumbled against her door, jolting them out of their private reverie. She immediately rolled off of him and tightened her robe. She would know that knock anywhere, it was her mother.
"Jo!" Her mother sounded pissed off, which was never a good thing. "I need to have a word with you right now. ALONE!" She practically screamed, leaving Jo no doubt that she knew Dean was in there and was none too happy.
"One minute, and I'll be out." Jo promised, scrambling around to pull her clothes back on, not even caring that Dean was watching her then. "I told you, you should have left."
"She can't know." Dean said confidently. "She was asleep last night."
"Doesn't matter Dean, she just knows. She has her ways. You need to get dressed right now, and you and Sam need to leave earlier rather than later." Jo advised, as she pulled her jeans on and began buttoning them.
"You want me to leave?" Dean actually sounded offended.
"What?" Jo turned back to him, surprised at the tone of his voice, and the look of… hurt on his face? It couldn't be, but it was right there in front of her. "I'm not kicking you out… I just… Well, I thought you and Sam were going on another hunt today… right?" She needed him to say something.
"Yeah. Right." He agreed, but she could tell something was wrong and decided her mother would have to wait a little while longer. She couldn't leave things so awkward between them.
"I don't expect anything from you Dean. Last night was… good." She tried to pull her thoughts together, but he once again interrupted.
"Good? Last night was good?" He repeated incredulously, stopping redressing himself and turning around to face her. "We're you there last night? Because that was better than good. I'd say much better." He added angrily.
"Yes, yes okay. It was great, amazing, wonderful!" She agreed trying to get back on track. "But that was last night and I always knew you would leave this morning. I'm letting you off the hook here, you should be happy." Jo huffed annoyed and extremely confused with his odd mood swing.
"I am happy." He roared back as he jerked his shirt into place and began working on his boots. "I'm perfect." He promised, but his words were heated, and the looks he kept throwing at her spoke of anything but perfection on his part.
"Did I do something wrong? Or say something you don't agree with? You're confusing the hell out of me Dean and I don't like it." She nearly yelled at the end of her rope.
"I just didn't peg you for the love'em and leave'em type. But hey, I guess I was wrong." He managed to tie his last boot, before grabbing for his jacket and heading for her door, storming out of it and into the main bar area, her chasing after him the whole way.
"Now wait a damn minute!" She screamed, no longer worrying about who would hear them. She was not about to let this thing get out of hand. She had accepted his limitations, it was about time he did as well. He was not going to leave there thinking HE was the wounded party. NO WAY IN HELL!
"Sam let's go right now." Dean shot as his brother, who was sitting at the bar, going over something with Ash. Both Sam and Ash stared between Jo and Dean, confused, and a little bit scared, especially with the way Ellen was shooting daggers at both of them from behind the bar.
"Dean…" Sam hesitated, trying to figure out what exactly was going on.
"Now Sam." Dean pushed, refusing to turn around and face Jo again. Sam stood up slowly, and began grabbing for his jacket. He still didn't get it, but he'd seen his brother like this before and it was best not to push it.
"Sit down Sam." Jo ordered him, and the tone of her voice not only surprised, but scared him and he plopped right back down beside Ash. Jo turned her venom on Dean then. "You do not get to walk out of here acting like I have done something to you. I have done nothing to you! I just said what we were both thinking!"
"You don't know what I'm thinking!" Dean shot back furiously, as he stomped over to Sam and tried to physically remove him from the bar stool. Jo came over then too and tried to push Sam back down, but she had considerably less force behind her.
"Sam!" They both screamed at the same time and Sam finally had enough of it and stepped away from both of them.
"What in the hell is going on here?" Sam looked between them bewildered, and when he got no answers there he turned to Ellen and Ash, they were just as quiet. Ash at least seemed as confused as him, Ellen just seemed pissed. And that's when it dawned on him. "You didn't… I mean… Oh." He sat back down with a loud thud.
"Let's go Sam, were not wanted here. Trust me!" Dean bellowed and began for the door again, Jo trailing him just like before. "Stop following me. I'm doing what you want, getting out of your damn life. Be happy!"
"Don't act like a martyr Dean! And don't act like this isn't what you want! I see you once every few months and most times you can barely be bothered to ask how I'm doing. Which is all fine and good. So why am I supposed to think that just because we slept together the rules changed? Huh? What are you going to do move into the back room with me? Give up demon hunting? Maybe you'll get a nice nine to five job, and we can buy ourselves a little house with a white picket fence, get married, pop out a few kids, huh? This sound good to you? That's what normal people do. You're not normal. I'm not either. Why should I expect last night to mean anything to you!"
"I…" Dean looked between Ellen and Jo uncomfortably. "Can we talk in private… please." He nodded at all the prying ears around them and for the first time Jo seemed to get self conscious as well.
"Fine." She agreed tersely and headed out the front door to the porch. Dean followed her and the second he did she rounded on him again. "You have some nerve blaming me for all of this! Me! All I wanted to do was help you last night! You're the one who, who, kissed me!" She stuttered trying to get it all out.
"You kissed me first!" He yelled back petulantly.
"I…" she was speechless she was so angry and so was he. So without another word, he grabbed her up and began kissing her again. There was more anger than passion but that suited them just fine, and it wasn't until they heard someone clearing their throat behind them that they pulled up for air.
"Ellen's watching through the window." Sam informed them, as uncomfortable as they were with the situation. "And we really do need to get on the road if were going to make it to Wichita before sundown… I'm sorry." Sam apologized to Jo.
"Okay, I'll meet you at the car." Dean gave Sam a look and Sam nodded before heading to the impala and getting inside. "I'm going to come back." Dean promised, and Jo nodded, not really believing him. "Hey," he reached out and cupped her chin, "what you said earlier… you're right, okay? I'm not the white picket fences guy and I would rather be possessed than get married. But last night… it meant something to me. It did." He swore.
"Yeah, it did." Jo agreed, for once letting herself think that just maybe he was telling the truth, maybe he felt even a little bit of what she did.
"Okay," he stepped in closer to her again, and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her for a moment before leaning in and kissing her softly on the lips. "If your mom wasn't watching…" she laughed and he joined in. "I'll see you soon." He promised again, before letting her go and heading down the gravel drive to the impala.
She smiled, and waved at his retreating figure, before whispering, "See you soon."
There was absolutely no way he could have heard her, but in that moment he turned around and smiled at her. Really smiled at her, and she let herself believe, that someday, maybe not soon, but someday he would come back to her.
That was enough. At least for now, that was enough.