Taking a break from my Ult. X-Men fic (and my homework) to write this, since the plot bunny's been bothering me for a couple days. Whether you like it or hate it, drop me a review, please, so long as you have the time.

Note: The Hidden Salami was a character from a Phil Foglio comic…two issues of which spoofed superheroes. His power is…well, about what you'd expect from the name. I'm only able to keep this fic T-rated by not going into details.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Hell, I wouldn't want the Hidden Salami if Foglio offered me ten grand to take the character rights off his hands.

X

"Oh, it's beautiful!"

Lance Alvers twirled the shining Star of David in front of Kitty Pryde's sparkling eyes, then gently settled the sterling silver pendant around her neck.

"Consider it a late Hanukkah present."

"Thank you! C'mon, let's go to the Gap!" She dashed off, tugging him by one hand.

Lance winced as he was pulled along. Damn, I thought that would distract her from shopping. Oh well, at least she liked it.

Unfortunately, the pretty pendant attracted the attention of someone else when they got to the Gap. Namely, a six-foot guy in a trenchcoat, with muscles so oversized they were visible through the thick leather.

"Hey there, gorgeous. Is that a Star of David I see around your neck?"

A hundred thousand years of male instincts kicked in, and Lance glowered at the man, muttering out the side of his mouth, "Kitty, baby, don't talk to the freak in the trenchcoat."

Kitty's excessively trusting nature, however, got the better of her. "Oh, you're Jewish too! That's great! I'm Kitty! Kitty Pryde! What's your name?"

The guy boomed, in an excessively dramatic voice, "I am…The Hidden Salami! All natural, all muscle, and all-" At this point, he yanked his trenchcoat open, revealing that he was clad in only a translucent man-thong with Hebrew lettering on it.

"-KOSHER!"

Kitty slammed her eyes shut and bolted in the opposite direction, with a shriek that was probably audible three counties away.

Leaving only Lance to stare in horror at the super-powered semi-flasher confronting him.

Unfortunately, the Salami was new to Bayville, and while he had heard of the Brotherhood (it would be hard not to), he'd never met any of them before. So he didn't realize just who he was exposing himself to.

Pietro would have screamed and fled at the unspeakable, borderline Lovecraftian horror before him. So would Toad. Hell, even Fred might have run.

Lance, being Lance, stood his ground. And proceeded to deliver the most thorough, professional beating Bayville had seen in a long time.

A/N: (We'll censor it for the sake of the rating. And the fact that we have a shit-ton of homework to do, and writing the beating would take more time than we have to spend.)

Some time later…

Kitty crept back to find Lance kicking the bruised, battered, and thoroughly pulped Salami in the mouth. The trenchcoat had, unfortunately, disappeared somewhere, so she did her best to avert her eyes.

"You do not-" Kick. "-EVER-" Kick. "-expose yourself-" Kick. "to my girlfriend!" Kick.

"Lance, while that was, like, really sweet of you to defend my honor, we should leave before the cops come."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Lance flicked his right foot a few times, dislodging a tooth stuck into the toe of his combat boot.

"One question before we go."

"Sure."

"Was it really necessary to hide his…umm…salami there?"