Note: I DO NOT OWN WICKED (THOUGH I WISH I DID) and this is just a parody.
R&R and enjoy!
Some of you, though, may not enjoy this and think it is the stupidest and worst working of a FanFic for Wicked and will be very upset. To those of you…TRY to enjoy it!
Setting: This is at the very beginning of Wicked, with Glinda and her bubble and everything.
P.S. (AN) stands for Authors Note or, better known as my own personal opinion. Thankies!
Ozian #1: Good news! She's dead! (Turns to Ozian #2, who's sitting in chair with a strange little green bottle) Oh wait, is she?
Ozian #2: Who gives a damn?
Frex: You should!
Ozian #2: She's your daughter and you could care less about her. Why should I care?
Frex: I don't care about her, well, because that's none of your business.
Ozian #2: Fine. But don't bother me.
Frex: Well, by the looks of it…(looks at the little green bottle that is a total foreshadowing device) Hey, where'd you get that? (Looks at it more) Hey, look, it looks like Elph…hey, what's her name even?
Ozian #2: How should I know? (Takes another swig of the green elixir) Do you think they have any Fritos around here?
Frex: Well, I don't know but…
Ozian #3: Oh my God! It's…
Frex: (Angrily) Hey, how'd you know what the Unnamed God is called? Have you been talking to my daughter?
Ozian #3: Which one?
Frex: The only one!
Ozian #3: But they're both dead, so how could I have met them?
Frex: I don't know. But, have you? Did you talk to my Rose?
Ozian #3: Whoa. Creepy. You just called your daughter a 'Rose'. Weird.
Frex: Well aren't I allowed to call my dead daughter what I want? If I can't, what is this world coming to!?
Ozian #3: All right, fine. So Nessa and I did a little kissing. So?
Frex: (Appalled) You touched my darling? My sweet, poor, lovely little Rose.
Ozian #3: Hey dude. Could you stop calling my girlfriend-coughs-I mean, your darling, a 'Rose'. It's like totally freaking me out. (Listens to his voice) Whoa! Where'd I get this awesome surfer-Fiyero voice? Dude? That's like rad!
Frex: Rad! That is not a word! Get away, you pervert! (Runs away hitting Ozian #3)
Glinda: You know, that guy was supposed to announce my wonderful goodness arriving! Gosh. What is wrong with these people? (Looks around at the drunken Ozians and Munchkins around her as Boq comes running up to her) Oh, hey, aren't you a little short?
Boq: Um…I'm a Munchkin. Aren't I supposed to be short? (Looks around cautiously with wide-open eyes) Well, aren't I?!
Glinda: (Disturbed by Boq's brief show of insanity) Ok, then. (Looks around wondering what to do next, then kind-of remembers) Hey, aren't I supposed to sing something?
Ozian #2: Yeah, I think so. (Pulls out script) Um, yeah. It says you sing this song called, uh, 'No One Bourns the Picked'
Glinda: Oh, all right. (Begins singing) No one bourns the picked! (Looks to Ozian #2) Now what?
Ozian #2: (Looking at script with squinted eyes) Uh…No one lies they won't lantern.
Glinda: (Looking puzzled) Hey, that doesn't make sense, but I guess it works. (Begins singing again) No one lies they won't lantern. (Looks to Ozian #2) Hey, what is a lantern anyway?
Ozian #1: Glinda, I thought you were at least a little smart.
Glinda: (Not hearing him) Hey you?
Ozian #2: (Drunk from all the elixir) Hey, wait, I might have got that wrong. (Looks over script cautiously) Hmmmm…wait, I think I found it! It says…oh, nevermind. I think I'm seeing things. Keep singing.
Glinda: Um, Ozian #2, how am I supposed to keep singing if I don't know what I'm supposed to sing? I mean, even I know that.
Ozian #1: Wow, you know something?
All Ozians: Wow! Glinda knows something! Wow! Praise the great good one. Praise the great good one.
Glinda: Hey look, little short people are bowing like weirdo's towards me. (Looks at Ozian #2) Hey, do you think they're bowing at me? Cause that would be SO cool!
Ozian #2: How am I supposed to know? I feel just really happy and flirtatious! (Begins flirting with Boq) Hey short-stack. How are you?
Boq: Hey, weren't you like the Wicked Witch of the West's friend or something?
Ozian #2: I think so…I'm not sure. You'd have to talk to her father.
Boq: But Elphaba was smart…
Glinda: How dare you!? You spoke her name! That is NOT nice! (Begins blowing bubbles all around her to make her feel better)
Boq: Ok…But, like I said, she was smart. She didn't get it from you, since you're not smart, and her mother, I hear, wasn't either. So where'd she get it?
Ozian #2: Well, you see, her REAL father was like this really hot guy who seduced me coughs I mean, her mother with this green stuff here and that made her green…(Give away total foreshadowing)
Glinda: (Is handed her own script) Let us be glad! Let us be grateful! Let us rejoicify. (Looks to closest guy to her, which happens to be Elvis) Hey, how do you say that?
Elvis: (Breaking into song) Umm, wait, aren't I dead? (Looks to Ozians, who shrug) Oh well…I guess this is how it goes…Viva La…(Looks at script and squints eyes) Rejoicify! (Looks at Glinda) Hell if I know. (Looks around again) Hey, this isn't Vegas. I'm out of here. (Disappears)
Glinda: (Still blowing her bubbles) Well, um, fine then! We don't want you here anyway, um, right?
Ozians: (Nodding) Praise the great good one. Praise the great good one.
Glinda: (Smiling) Um, so can we, like, get on with the song?
Ozian #2: Uh, sure I guess. I was just kind of like flirting with this short guy here. (Points to Boq, who has scared look on his face.)
Boq: Um, Miss. Glinda, could we, um, like sing.
Glinda: But Boq, you can't sing!
Boq: Why not? (Confused.)
Glinda: Because…(About to break into laughter) You don't have a voice. You're made of tin.
Boq: Oh this is all so confusifying! (Looks down at his tin body) Oh my gosh! I am made of tin! (Runs off stage, screaming)
Ozian #2: (Muttering) Bye my love!
Boq: (As running off stage) I'm married. I think!
Glinda: What was that you said Ozian #2? (Still blowing bubbles and reviewing script) Oh hey! I'm supposed to be singing. I totally forgot. Um, uh, hold on all you short-coughs-I mean wonderful little slaves-cough-I mean loyal citizens of Oz. (Begins singing in such a high voice it breaks the green elixir bottle) And goodness knows…The wicked's lives are lonely!
Ozian #2: Ahhhhhh! My Green Elixir! That was the last bottle! (As everyone looks at Ozian #2 with curious eyes) This was Elphaba's! I gave it to her…I mean, she gave it to me! (Looks away, hoping not to be found out)
Glinda: Oh, whoops! Sorry! Uh, maybe we can get a new one? (Looks around nervously to the Ozians) Right?
Ozians: Oh yes! Yes, Miss. Glinda, you are so good, anything can happen to you and for you!
Ozian #3: Yeah, I'm sure the Wizard has one.
Ozian #1: No, he left like a while ago.
Glinda: WOULD YOU ALL JUST PLEASE SHUT UP!?
Ozians: (Gasps)
AN: Glinda, please don't say that to the little people.
Glinda: Oops. I'm sorry everybody, but I really would like to sing my song and blow some bubbles.
Ozian #1: Fine, we're also supposed to sing, you know. So, let's get going.
Glinda: Good. (Sings once again in a very high voice) And goodness knows! The wicked die alone!
Ozian #2: (Studying the script and turns to Ozian #1) Hey, what does this say?
Ozian #1: It says 'No One Mourns The Wicked! Wicked! Wicked!' Can't you see that?
Ozian #2: I just seem to be having some eye problems. Can't see anything right.
Ozian #1: (Muttering under breath) Probably because you're drunk.
Ozian #2: What was that? Huh?
Glinda: You two, why don't you take it outside, okay?
Ozian #2: Alright fine! Let's go buddy! (Puts fists up)
Glinda: Alright, hold on…(Holds up four fingers) How many fingers am I holding up?
Ozian #2: (Squinting eyes as she drops her fists) Ugh, two?
Glinda: Hey, bubble, can you go down? (Points down to the ground) Yeah, down there. Down, a little more, a little more. All right, stop. (Only an inch from the ground) Stop. Stop! (Stops) Thank you. (Steps off of the bubble with smaller bubbles and a bright light following her) Hey, where did that light come from? (Points to light)
Ozian #1: Uh, Miss. Glinda, I think it's supposed to shine on you. You're, like…good. So the light symbolizes your impeccable goodness…
Glinda: Oh, that's is so…scandalacious! I have a light and you guys don't! (Brags while blowing bubbles all around her)
Ozian #2: There's a light? Where?
Glinda: I'm sorry Ozian #2, but I think you'll need…glasses.
All: (GASP)
Ozian #2: No…no! You can't do that to me Glinda! NO!!! (Grabs and holds onto Glinda's leg, but can't find it because of such poofy dress) Where the hell are your legs, anyway?
Glinda: There under there…somewhere. Ok, this is very easy to resolve. You. (Points to Ozian #2) Get some glasses at LensCrafters. Everybody else, let's sing! Gosh. (Gets back in bubble) Come on; let's go back up. (Looks down at Ozians) Ok, we did the first song. So…uh…you! (Points to Ozian #1) Just say your line.
Ozian #1: Uh…Glinda. Is… It… True… You… Were… Her
Glinda: Come on! Speed it up!
Ozian #1: I'm trying. It's just, well; this is a REALLY hard line!
Glinda: What? You say 'Glinda is it true you were her friend?' That's it. Oh, and then somebody slaps you.
Ozian #1: That might hurt, I think. Who slaps me?
Ozian #2: Oh! Oh! Me! I want to, Glinda! Pick me!
Glinda: Well, you're blind, so you can't.
Ozian #2: Oh please! Pretty please!
Glinda: Okay, fine. Go ahead and slap him and see if I care.
Ozian #2: Awesome! Thanks Glinda.
Glinda: Uh, sure.
Ozian #1: Ok, so uh…Glinda is it true you were her friend?
Ozian #2: Yay!…(Slaps Ozian #1 really hard so that he falls over) How was that?
Ozian #1: Owwww! She hurt me! (Sobbing)
Glinda: Good job…I mean, oh I'm so sorry. Alright, I think we're almost done with this song…(Puts on a sweet smile and gazes out at the Ozians) Well, it depends on what you mean by, uh, friend. I did know her, uh…that is, our paths did cross. At school.
Ozians: Oh blah blah blah and blah blah blah. Okay, was that good, oh great one?
Glinda: (Nods) Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh (Breaks Ozian #2's new glasses) oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!
Ozian #2: Owwww! Shut up already!
Glinda: (Gasps) How dare you! Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh! There we go!
Ozians: Old Shizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. (They all fall asleep)
Glinda: Uh hey, you people. Ummmm, you're not supposed to fucking fall asleep!
Ozians: Huh? What? What's going on?
Glinda: Oh, just cut to the next scene already!
Ozians: Cool-e-o! (All disperse for the next scene)
Well, that was the first chapter. Waits for the flying tomatoes I still hope you'll R&R even if you hated it. Thankies!
Oh yeah, and if you thought SOMETHING was up with Ozian #2, you just might be right. ;)