Chapter one
The story in which everyone dies, except the killer (well, I'm not so sure about him, either.)
A/N: I, Dreamslayer proudly present you my very first fic on the internet! I will not be responsible for anything I am responsible for. Be warned, though, for it is an everybody-bashing fic!
Disclaimer: Nobody here owns Tekken.
Jun Kazama is spending time at her place, since Kazuya's "busy", and so Jun, who's considered as a "good girl" dug out her porn magazine from underneath her pillow and started enjoying herself.
Jun: oh, was that one BIG! And what about that one? Wow!
Phone: *ringing*
Jun: Hello?
The mysterious caller (The Killer): Hi, what's your favorite porn movie?
Jun: *Looking down at her magazine, blushing* I don't read or watch porno, I don't even visit porn sites!
The Killer: Oh, but according to this list of mine, you're in the top ten visitors in a certain porn site.
Jun:*hiding the magazine* Could it be some other Jun on that list of yours?
The Killer: sniff Why is everybody trying to fool me?
Jun: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to fool you.
The Killer: I KNEW it! I KNEW IT! *Dancing around Jun's front yard*
Jun: Who exactly is this?
The Killer: Hwo do you think this is?
Jun: Lee, I've told I am not your call girl, and if you're feeling horny, go find one in a phonebook!
The Killer: Whatever, I'll tell him that when I see him, but I am not Lee.
Jun: Yeah, right, I'll style my hair like Heihachi, and run around wearing nothing else than diapers, if you're not Lee.
The Killer: I AM NOT LEE! *farts* Aw, now look what you made me do!
Jun: Well, if you're not Lee, then who are you?
The Killer: You should not ask who, but where I am.
Jun: So, where are you?
The Killer: *Laughs evilly* I'm inside your house!
Jun: Ah, have you been spying on me?!
The Killer: Just ask where I am, goddamnit!
Jun: Okay, okay. Where are you?
The Killer: Listen, baby, I'm like a fart, I can be anywhere.
Jun: *Stands up and looks around* Oh, yeah? Well, I think you're under my fine Persian carpet.
The Killer: How on earth did you know?
Jun: I can see your feet and your head. I can even see that stupid Teletubby mask of yours.
The Killer: Aw, crap! *Gets up* Turn around, no peeking! *Goes behind Jun's lovely curtains* Bet you don't know where I am now!
Jun: *Looks at the curtains and rolls her eyes* Oh, you're absolutely right, mister sexy, scary, raper serial killer! *Walks past the curtains*
The Killer: I'll give you a hint! *comes out and trips* Aw, man, I really have to lay off the alcohol, man!
Jun: *Runs into the dining room*
The Killer: *Runs after her*
Jun: *Runs behind the dining table* Blah! Ya can't catch me! *Sticks out her tongue*
The Killer: Kiss my ass! *Runs around the table*
Jun and The Killer: *Running around the table*
Two hours later
Jun and The Killer: *Still running*
Phone: *rings*
The Killer: Hello?
The Caller: Hello. Jun there?
The Killer: *Handing the phone to Jun* It's for you *Sits on a chair*
Jun: Why, hello, Jin!
After half an hour of constant gossiping on the phone
The Killer: *Looking at his watch.* Hey, ho! *Tapping on the watch glass*
Jun: Oh, honey, I've gotta go, Bye! Where were we? Oh, right *They go into running again*
Jun: *looks back and slips into flood on the floor* Aieeee!*hits her head on the wall* Ouch! *hits a dresser* I've got a feeling I'm going to hurt a lot after this *flies down to the basement* Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, Exactly how many stairs are here, anyway? *Breaks her neck*.
The Killer: *Turns on the lights* You okay?
Jun: No, you idiot, I died!
The Killer: Damn! I wanted to kill you!
And so Jun Kazama, who was supposed to be murdered, only stylishly rolled down the stairs and broke both her neck and spine. But every single newspaper kept claiming the opposite, that she'd been brutally murdered. Pushed down the stairs and blah, blah, blah. When this news reached Heihachi, he called for most of the Tekken for some unknown reason. This includes Jin, Forest (Jungle) Law, Christie, Hwoarang, Baek, Anna, Nina, Xiaoyu, Lee, Bryan, King, Kazuya, Julia, Bruce, Lei, Eddy and Paul.
Heihachi: Surely you all know why we are here today. *crosses his arms over his chest*
Lei: Not really. Why are we here?
Julia: You mean You haven't heard?
Hwoarang: Heard what?
Eddy: Jun was raped yesterday. No, wait, that's murdered *thinking, because he's just a bear with really small brain*
Dreamslayer: Hey, guess what?
Paul: What?
Dreamslayer: Do you know what you get when you cross-breed Lee and Bruce?
Anna: A gay?
Dreamslayer: No, Bruce Lee! Get it? Bruce and Lee..
Kazuya: Jesus, girl, Even Marduk can't stand you! In fact even Snake Edge can't stand you all the time
Dreamslayer: Hey I happen to like Bruce Lee!
Heihachi: Then You must like Law, too.
Law: *Seemingly insulted* How come?!
Bruce: Face it, you're a copy of Bruce Lee.
Law: I am not!
Bryan: Oh, yes you are!
Law: Am not!
Bruce Lee: Are too!
Law: Am not! Hey!
Heihachi: *Farts very loudly indeed* Listen to what I have to say!
Everybody:*Staring at Heihachi with those big anime eyes*
Heihachi: couch The murder of Jun has shocked all of us, right?
Everybody: *Nods*
Heihachi: I thought about it and came to the realisation that we've been left no other options than.
Nina: Tar and feather the murderer!
Heihachi: That's not exactly what I had in mind.
Nina: Aw.
Xiaoyu: What did you have in mind, then?
Heihachi: I was going to suggest that we'd go to this big summer house of mine. We oughta be safe there.
Jin: *wakes up* Can we go now?
Heihachi: You may go.
Everybody: *Rush out from the room*
Hours later, in Julia's Back yard
Julia: *Singing while cropping her. y' know, crops* Ricky will not admit it That he likes men best of all I heard someone mention That no girl's gonna touch his balls.
The Killer: *Sneaks up to Julia* How'd you like to die? Should I cut your head off? Should I stab you to death or should I rape you? Would you like that? You may choose.
Julia: *stands up.* I want a fair fight! I'm challenging you in a mortal combat!
The Killer: *pulls the script out of nowhere* Hey, this isn't a part of the script! *glances at Julia* A mortal combat?
Julia: *Shrugs* Don't look at me, it says so in my script, see? *shows her script to The Killer* Dreamslayer: Sorry, I forgot to give you the latest version of the script. *The latest version falls from the heavens*
The Killer: *picks up the NEW script and reads through the scene* Better. Let's get started.
Julia: *Places her hand over her heart and looks up to the sky* Spirits, give me strength!
Spirits: *Appear above Julia in the form of a black cloud and a lightning strikes Julia*
Julia: *Falls to the ground*Thank you Spirits! *Dies.*
Spirits: Always wanted to do that.
The Killer: Hey, That definitely wasn't part of the script!
Dreamslayer: You're right, I just made it up.
The Killer: Authors! They can't do anything right! *Starts walking away and trips on his cloak, or whatever it is* Damnit!
"Another shocking murder committed!" said the news
Heihachi: *Shows people the day's newspaper, which tells of Julia's murder.* Yet another one of us is dead! I've had enough! I'm going to live in a monastery and leave my sexual life behind!
Kazuya: *Looks at Heihachi funny* You did the latter a long time ago.
Heihachi: *Smiling at Kazuya* Of course I. Why you little! *Attacks Kazuya*
King: I'm taking bets!
Xiaoyu: *Handing King a hundred.* A hundred on Kazuya!!
Eddy: A hundred on Kazuya!
Lei: I don't see any reason why I shouldn't bet on Kazuya too.!* Handing King a fifty.*
Jin: I'm betting a hundred on Grampa!
Everybody: *Stares at Jin.*
Jin: What? It's not a bet if everybody bets on Kazyua!
Jun: Two hundred on Kazuya!! *Handing King the money.*
King: Jun, no offence, but weren't you supposed to be dead?
Jun: Aw! *Reading through the script* Oh, you are absolutely right, I am supposed to be dead.*Drops dead*
Lee: Eww! Take the dead woman away!
Paul: Okay. *Takes Jun away and comes back.* Nothing like a good workout!
Mysterious voice: EEEKKK!
Law: Paul, where did you take the dead woman?
Paul: Home of the aged.
Christie: Paul!
Paul: What? It was the closest place!
Christie: Well take it somewhere else! My salary's gonna go down if there are dead people in there!
Hwoarang: You're working in the home of the aged?
Christie: *Blushing* Uh, yeah. I'm doing a strip-tease show in there.
Heihachi: *Lets go of Kazuya's head* When is your next show?
Paul: Is anybody listening to me?
Everybody: *Staring at Paul* Yeees?
Paul: Where am I going to put her? *Pointing at Jun's corpse on the floor*
Baek: Let's bury her in Bryan's grave!
Bryan: Ain't gonna happen!
Bruce: Why not?
Bryan: I don't have one.
Kazuya: Whadayamean you don't have one?
Lee: Every dead guy should have a grave and tombstone of their own.
Bryan: Well I don't! Get over it!
Nina: Well what happened to them?
Bryan: I actually sold them a couple of weeks ago.
Anna: Why?
Bryan: You see, I needed money for the hookers.
Nina: *purring* Oh, but Bryan, you know we are always available for free!
Anna: *In a sweet tone.*My thoughts exactly.
Bryan: I must confess that your invitation is very tempting, but I am not Bruce!
Nina&Anna: Wait, didn't he just say.?
Heihachi: That's not of importance. Do you even remember what we planned during the last time we spoke?
Hwoarang: We were going to have a party in the toilet.
Heihachi: *Smiling nicely* Good, I'm impressed you remembered all that.
Hwoarang: *Moved* Why thank you.
Heihachi: YOU IDIOT! We were planning to escape this supposed rampage of the supposed murderer in my summer house!
Xiaoyu: Well then let's go! *Already leaving*
Heihachi: Hold it! Hold it! I'm the boss! I say when we go!.
A silence that lasts approximately 5 minutes from Heihachi's words to the moment Lei farted.
Heihachi: Okay, let's go.
The song Julia's singing: Livin' La Vida Homo
So there! Liked it? My thanks to my friend Snake Edge, who Translated it into English, since I'm not too good with it, so every flame of the spelling can be directed to her. She also gave me some WAY too kinky ideas to be used. I have to confess that I am a bit afraid of people who will probably be wanting to kill me, but it won't stop me from continuing the story. R&R, people! And let me know which part you liked.
Snake Edge: If you ask me, it was a lot like Scary Movie.
Dreamslayer: *Hits SE with a silver cyclone* Yo, ho! Never, ever insult my writing!
Snake Edge: *slides to the Hitman stance* Bring it on!
Dreamslayer: You got it, missy! *Executes a sunset fan and goes into Art of Phoenix*
And so begins the new day of fighting.
(We really do argue occasionally, but mostly in school, and we can't really do most of the moves of Tekken, the bitch slaps are easily executed)
The story in which everyone dies, except the killer (well, I'm not so sure about him, either.)
A/N: I, Dreamslayer proudly present you my very first fic on the internet! I will not be responsible for anything I am responsible for. Be warned, though, for it is an everybody-bashing fic!
Disclaimer: Nobody here owns Tekken.
Jun Kazama is spending time at her place, since Kazuya's "busy", and so Jun, who's considered as a "good girl" dug out her porn magazine from underneath her pillow and started enjoying herself.
Jun: oh, was that one BIG! And what about that one? Wow!
Phone: *ringing*
Jun: Hello?
The mysterious caller (The Killer): Hi, what's your favorite porn movie?
Jun: *Looking down at her magazine, blushing* I don't read or watch porno, I don't even visit porn sites!
The Killer: Oh, but according to this list of mine, you're in the top ten visitors in a certain porn site.
Jun:*hiding the magazine* Could it be some other Jun on that list of yours?
The Killer: sniff Why is everybody trying to fool me?
Jun: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to fool you.
The Killer: I KNEW it! I KNEW IT! *Dancing around Jun's front yard*
Jun: Who exactly is this?
The Killer: Hwo do you think this is?
Jun: Lee, I've told I am not your call girl, and if you're feeling horny, go find one in a phonebook!
The Killer: Whatever, I'll tell him that when I see him, but I am not Lee.
Jun: Yeah, right, I'll style my hair like Heihachi, and run around wearing nothing else than diapers, if you're not Lee.
The Killer: I AM NOT LEE! *farts* Aw, now look what you made me do!
Jun: Well, if you're not Lee, then who are you?
The Killer: You should not ask who, but where I am.
Jun: So, where are you?
The Killer: *Laughs evilly* I'm inside your house!
Jun: Ah, have you been spying on me?!
The Killer: Just ask where I am, goddamnit!
Jun: Okay, okay. Where are you?
The Killer: Listen, baby, I'm like a fart, I can be anywhere.
Jun: *Stands up and looks around* Oh, yeah? Well, I think you're under my fine Persian carpet.
The Killer: How on earth did you know?
Jun: I can see your feet and your head. I can even see that stupid Teletubby mask of yours.
The Killer: Aw, crap! *Gets up* Turn around, no peeking! *Goes behind Jun's lovely curtains* Bet you don't know where I am now!
Jun: *Looks at the curtains and rolls her eyes* Oh, you're absolutely right, mister sexy, scary, raper serial killer! *Walks past the curtains*
The Killer: I'll give you a hint! *comes out and trips* Aw, man, I really have to lay off the alcohol, man!
Jun: *Runs into the dining room*
The Killer: *Runs after her*
Jun: *Runs behind the dining table* Blah! Ya can't catch me! *Sticks out her tongue*
The Killer: Kiss my ass! *Runs around the table*
Jun and The Killer: *Running around the table*
Two hours later
Jun and The Killer: *Still running*
Phone: *rings*
The Killer: Hello?
The Caller: Hello. Jun there?
The Killer: *Handing the phone to Jun* It's for you *Sits on a chair*
Jun: Why, hello, Jin!
After half an hour of constant gossiping on the phone
The Killer: *Looking at his watch.* Hey, ho! *Tapping on the watch glass*
Jun: Oh, honey, I've gotta go, Bye! Where were we? Oh, right *They go into running again*
Jun: *looks back and slips into flood on the floor* Aieeee!*hits her head on the wall* Ouch! *hits a dresser* I've got a feeling I'm going to hurt a lot after this *flies down to the basement* Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, Exactly how many stairs are here, anyway? *Breaks her neck*.
The Killer: *Turns on the lights* You okay?
Jun: No, you idiot, I died!
The Killer: Damn! I wanted to kill you!
And so Jun Kazama, who was supposed to be murdered, only stylishly rolled down the stairs and broke both her neck and spine. But every single newspaper kept claiming the opposite, that she'd been brutally murdered. Pushed down the stairs and blah, blah, blah. When this news reached Heihachi, he called for most of the Tekken for some unknown reason. This includes Jin, Forest (Jungle) Law, Christie, Hwoarang, Baek, Anna, Nina, Xiaoyu, Lee, Bryan, King, Kazuya, Julia, Bruce, Lei, Eddy and Paul.
Heihachi: Surely you all know why we are here today. *crosses his arms over his chest*
Lei: Not really. Why are we here?
Julia: You mean You haven't heard?
Hwoarang: Heard what?
Eddy: Jun was raped yesterday. No, wait, that's murdered *thinking, because he's just a bear with really small brain*
Dreamslayer: Hey, guess what?
Paul: What?
Dreamslayer: Do you know what you get when you cross-breed Lee and Bruce?
Anna: A gay?
Dreamslayer: No, Bruce Lee! Get it? Bruce and Lee..
Kazuya: Jesus, girl, Even Marduk can't stand you! In fact even Snake Edge can't stand you all the time
Dreamslayer: Hey I happen to like Bruce Lee!
Heihachi: Then You must like Law, too.
Law: *Seemingly insulted* How come?!
Bruce: Face it, you're a copy of Bruce Lee.
Law: I am not!
Bryan: Oh, yes you are!
Law: Am not!
Bruce Lee: Are too!
Law: Am not! Hey!
Heihachi: *Farts very loudly indeed* Listen to what I have to say!
Everybody:*Staring at Heihachi with those big anime eyes*
Heihachi: couch The murder of Jun has shocked all of us, right?
Everybody: *Nods*
Heihachi: I thought about it and came to the realisation that we've been left no other options than.
Nina: Tar and feather the murderer!
Heihachi: That's not exactly what I had in mind.
Nina: Aw.
Xiaoyu: What did you have in mind, then?
Heihachi: I was going to suggest that we'd go to this big summer house of mine. We oughta be safe there.
Jin: *wakes up* Can we go now?
Heihachi: You may go.
Everybody: *Rush out from the room*
Hours later, in Julia's Back yard
Julia: *Singing while cropping her. y' know, crops* Ricky will not admit it That he likes men best of all I heard someone mention That no girl's gonna touch his balls.
The Killer: *Sneaks up to Julia* How'd you like to die? Should I cut your head off? Should I stab you to death or should I rape you? Would you like that? You may choose.
Julia: *stands up.* I want a fair fight! I'm challenging you in a mortal combat!
The Killer: *pulls the script out of nowhere* Hey, this isn't a part of the script! *glances at Julia* A mortal combat?
Julia: *Shrugs* Don't look at me, it says so in my script, see? *shows her script to The Killer* Dreamslayer: Sorry, I forgot to give you the latest version of the script. *The latest version falls from the heavens*
The Killer: *picks up the NEW script and reads through the scene* Better. Let's get started.
Julia: *Places her hand over her heart and looks up to the sky* Spirits, give me strength!
Spirits: *Appear above Julia in the form of a black cloud and a lightning strikes Julia*
Julia: *Falls to the ground*Thank you Spirits! *Dies.*
Spirits: Always wanted to do that.
The Killer: Hey, That definitely wasn't part of the script!
Dreamslayer: You're right, I just made it up.
The Killer: Authors! They can't do anything right! *Starts walking away and trips on his cloak, or whatever it is* Damnit!
"Another shocking murder committed!" said the news
Heihachi: *Shows people the day's newspaper, which tells of Julia's murder.* Yet another one of us is dead! I've had enough! I'm going to live in a monastery and leave my sexual life behind!
Kazuya: *Looks at Heihachi funny* You did the latter a long time ago.
Heihachi: *Smiling at Kazuya* Of course I. Why you little! *Attacks Kazuya*
King: I'm taking bets!
Xiaoyu: *Handing King a hundred.* A hundred on Kazuya!!
Eddy: A hundred on Kazuya!
Lei: I don't see any reason why I shouldn't bet on Kazuya too.!* Handing King a fifty.*
Jin: I'm betting a hundred on Grampa!
Everybody: *Stares at Jin.*
Jin: What? It's not a bet if everybody bets on Kazyua!
Jun: Two hundred on Kazuya!! *Handing King the money.*
King: Jun, no offence, but weren't you supposed to be dead?
Jun: Aw! *Reading through the script* Oh, you are absolutely right, I am supposed to be dead.*Drops dead*
Lee: Eww! Take the dead woman away!
Paul: Okay. *Takes Jun away and comes back.* Nothing like a good workout!
Mysterious voice: EEEKKK!
Law: Paul, where did you take the dead woman?
Paul: Home of the aged.
Christie: Paul!
Paul: What? It was the closest place!
Christie: Well take it somewhere else! My salary's gonna go down if there are dead people in there!
Hwoarang: You're working in the home of the aged?
Christie: *Blushing* Uh, yeah. I'm doing a strip-tease show in there.
Heihachi: *Lets go of Kazuya's head* When is your next show?
Paul: Is anybody listening to me?
Everybody: *Staring at Paul* Yeees?
Paul: Where am I going to put her? *Pointing at Jun's corpse on the floor*
Baek: Let's bury her in Bryan's grave!
Bryan: Ain't gonna happen!
Bruce: Why not?
Bryan: I don't have one.
Kazuya: Whadayamean you don't have one?
Lee: Every dead guy should have a grave and tombstone of their own.
Bryan: Well I don't! Get over it!
Nina: Well what happened to them?
Bryan: I actually sold them a couple of weeks ago.
Anna: Why?
Bryan: You see, I needed money for the hookers.
Nina: *purring* Oh, but Bryan, you know we are always available for free!
Anna: *In a sweet tone.*My thoughts exactly.
Bryan: I must confess that your invitation is very tempting, but I am not Bruce!
Nina&Anna: Wait, didn't he just say.?
Heihachi: That's not of importance. Do you even remember what we planned during the last time we spoke?
Hwoarang: We were going to have a party in the toilet.
Heihachi: *Smiling nicely* Good, I'm impressed you remembered all that.
Hwoarang: *Moved* Why thank you.
Heihachi: YOU IDIOT! We were planning to escape this supposed rampage of the supposed murderer in my summer house!
Xiaoyu: Well then let's go! *Already leaving*
Heihachi: Hold it! Hold it! I'm the boss! I say when we go!.
A silence that lasts approximately 5 minutes from Heihachi's words to the moment Lei farted.
Heihachi: Okay, let's go.
The song Julia's singing: Livin' La Vida Homo
So there! Liked it? My thanks to my friend Snake Edge, who Translated it into English, since I'm not too good with it, so every flame of the spelling can be directed to her. She also gave me some WAY too kinky ideas to be used. I have to confess that I am a bit afraid of people who will probably be wanting to kill me, but it won't stop me from continuing the story. R&R, people! And let me know which part you liked.
Snake Edge: If you ask me, it was a lot like Scary Movie.
Dreamslayer: *Hits SE with a silver cyclone* Yo, ho! Never, ever insult my writing!
Snake Edge: *slides to the Hitman stance* Bring it on!
Dreamslayer: You got it, missy! *Executes a sunset fan and goes into Art of Phoenix*
And so begins the new day of fighting.
(We really do argue occasionally, but mostly in school, and we can't really do most of the moves of Tekken, the bitch slaps are easily executed)