Author's Note: This is currently only a one-shot, but if there's enough interest, I could possibly add more chapters. If you have any suggestions, please let me know! Enjoy! :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Pretty Little Liars.
White gown. White walls. White furniture. To anyone else, it might have seemed dull, but Spencer didn't mind it at all.
Jane, she reminded herself. You're Jane Doe now. Not Spencer.
A smile spread across her pale face as she remembered the first time she'd wished she could be someone else.
It was dark outside; the only light was that which emanated from the full moon. Spencer and Toby were parked outside the Hastings house in the truck, taking advantage of the quiet moment to spend some quality time together.
Spencer's lips were pressed against Toby's. His arms were wrapped around her waist, holding her close, while hers were encircling his neck. They were completely absorbed with each other – or so Spencer thought, until Toby pulled away abruptly.
"What is it?" she asked concernedly.
"It's just… I thought I saw a shadow in Jason's upstairs window," Toby said, indicating the nearby DiLaurentis house.
Spencer's eyes widened. She turned to look at the window, but it appeared vacant.
"You know what, it was probably nothing," Toby said quickly. "Come here."
He leaned in to kiss Spencer again, and she obliged, leaning back against the truck window as the kiss deepened. Then, she caught a subtle movement from the corner of her eye.
"Wait. There are two shadows up there now," she said, breaking away from Toby. Sure enough, the silhouettes of a pair of people could be seen in the second floor room. A bubble of anger rose up inside of Spencer.
"I bet it's Jason and Garrett spying on us," she said. "This needs to stop."
"Relax. Let it go," Toby said.
"No! Dr. Sullivan is right. I need to show them that I'm not afraid of them," Spencer insisted. She pushed open the truck door and started for the DiLaurentis house.
"Wait!" Toby called, jumping out of the truck to follow her. "Spencer, wait!"
But Spencer ignored him and continued to stride purposefully toward the front door. Just when she reached the bottom step to the porch, the door swung out. A man exited the house. Spencer took a step back when she realized who it was.
"Dad," she said in disbelief.
Mr. Hastings looked down at his younger daughter, obviously wishing he hadn't been seen.
"What are you doing here?" Spencer continued.
"I don't have to answer any of your questions," Mr. Hastings said abruptly.
"Actually, you do," Toby put in, glaring fiercely at Spencer's father. "Spencer deserves some answers."
"Look, you stay out of this!" Mr. Hastings shouted, rounding on Toby. "This is none of your business, understand?"
"Dad, stop," Spencer begged as Toby backed away from Mr. Hastings' advancements.
"Don't get in the middle of this!" Mr. Hastings yelled.
"I am in the middle of this!" Spencer cried, standing in front of Toby protectively.
Mr. Hastings became very quiet. When he spoke, his voice was calm, though his expression remained irate. "Go back to the house, Spencer."
Spencer's face hardened. She spun on her heel, grasped Toby's hand, and ran for the truck.
"Spencer!" Mr. Hastings roared, his voice rising again. Spencer blocked him out as she climbed into the passenger seat of the truck. The second she closed the door, Toby began to drive.
"GET OUT OF THE CAR!" Mr. Hastings demanded, slamming his hand against the truck. Spencer jumped at the impact, but to her relief, Toby kept driving. He drove until he reached the motel they'd once stayed in. Then he pulled into the parking lot, shut off the truck, and turned to face Spencer.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked quietly.
Spencer shook her head. "How can my parents expect me to be honest with them when they go behind my back and keep secrets from me? I don't understand it. And it's not just this. My whole life is screwed up, and there's nothing I can do to fix it." She took a deep breath and tried to blink back the tears that were threatening to fall.
"I don't want to be Spencer Hastings anymore, Toby," she whispered. "I want to be someone else. Anyone but me."
"Believe me, I know the feeling," Toby said. "A few months ago, I wished every day that I would wake up the next morning and be a completely new person."
"How did you get through it?" Spencer said. "What changed?"
"I found people that made my own life worth living," Toby said. "People like you." He reached out and took Spencer's hand. "Look, I know that being you can be really rough sometimes. But just focus on the positives."
"Like what?" Spencer said skeptically.
"Like your boyfriend who thinks you're the most amazing, beautiful girl he's ever laid eyes on," Toby said.
Spencer gave him a half-smile. He was probably exaggerating to make her feel better, but it was working.
"So," Toby went on, "do you want to stay here at the motel?"
"I think… I think I should probably go home," Spencer replied. "I might as well face my father now and try to get some answers from him."
"Okay," Toby said. "But if you need anything tonight, I'll be there for you."
Spencer's grin widened as she remembered the first time Toby had spoken those words to her. She gave the same response she'd given then: "I love knowing that."
But this time, Toby went further. "If you ever need me, I'll be there for you. Always. Never forget that."
"I won't," Spencer promised.
Spencer almost laughed aloud at the memory. Evidently Toby's definition of the word 'always' was very different from hers; here she was, but he was nowhere to be found, even though she needed him more than ever.
But it was all right now. Because Toby had been significant in Spencer Hastings' life, but he wasn't a part of Jane Doe's. And that was who she was. She'd finally gotten her wish.
It was gratifying to have a totally new identity at Radley. Nobody was pressuring her to get straight A's and be accepted to a good college. Nobody was forcing her to stay away from her boyfriend or her friends. And nobody was sending her threatening text messages. She was free to do anything she wanted – or at least, anything one could do while locked up in an insane asylum. Compared to her old life, though, she felt liberated.
Why was she locked up here in the first place, anyway? She wasn't crazy; she was just affected by her experiences. Because no matter how hard she tried to bury the past and rewrite her life, the scars left behind from the anger and betrayal and tragedy she'd gone through were still there.
I'd like to see these people walk away from finding their loved one's body in the woods completely unscathed, Spencer thought fiercely. I bet they have no idea what it's like to lose everything and watch their life fall apart. How dare they question my sanity, when they have yet to walk a mile in my shoes?
Spencer choked back a sob as the memory of Toby's lifeless body floated into her mind. How could he be dead? She'd felt a stronger connection to him than she'd felt to Wren, Ian, Alex, and any other guy she'd ever been attracted to combined. She thought she loved some of those guys until Toby came along and showed her what true love really was.
A tear slipped out of Spencer's eye and rolled down her cheek. And for the first time since she'd arrived at Radley, she thought that maybe the rewards of being Spencer Hastings had been worth the trouble.