(A/N) This story is set after the Arrancar arc but before the Hueco Mundo arc. This fanfiction contains angst and dark themes not suitable for younger viewers. Rating may change.

Title: Transgress Prevarication

Pairings: Renji/Rukia, slight hints of Rukia/Ichigo

Rated T for angst, language, violence.

Summary: Misunderstandings commits the fall of wickedness. One shinigami violates the law of God, a faux pas, falling deeper drowning in his own sin. How can you breathe?

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or the characters.

Blah - talking

Blah - thoughts

Chapter 1: Suffocating

The night fell to an uncomfortable silence. Shadows hugged every corner of the room, black emptiness richer then darkness itself lingered heavily inside the four walls. He couldn't breathe. How could one breathe while drowning? Broad shoulders shrugged, a soft hiss escaped parted lips from the sudden movement. A figure laid flat across the cool floor, his deep crimson hair (missing the usual tie) scattered. Scowling, the vice-captain slowly opened his topaz eyes staring blankly at the suffocating darkness. The deep dark abyss became all too familiar with the mans life, his heart, mind and soul succumbing to its cold clutches. Renji could no longer stomach the sight.

Groaning, he turn to face the wall, wishing to see anything other then pitch black. He scowled at the pitiful remains of his shinigami uniform, grimacing from the sight of his torn blood stained shihakushoÇ. The Hollow he last encountered with dealt serious damage to his torso. Razor sharp claws pierced through his chest, tearing his body apart. Thank Kami he followed his gut feeling and rolled forward, or his head would've been decapitated. It was one of the benefits from living in Rukongai, to always be aware (paranoid?), of your surroundings. One swing and Zabimaru descended in the night sky slicing the wretched Hollow into pieces leaving black dust and a bloody Death God.

Renji shuddered at the thought of his near death experience as he rolled unto his blood spotted futon, bandaging his own wounds, stifling cries of pain so not to disturbed Urahara-san who most likely fell asleep hours before. Always staying quiet.

"From shinigami to freeloader in seconds...pathetic," Whispering to himself harshly biting his lip from another strike of pain running along his back. Blinking, his eyes locked with the shadowed ceiling, staring at nothing but black, always black. "Just...pathetic..."

He was drowning again.

Morning came too early as usual. Renji never really slept anymore. Too many nightmares and open wounds distracting him from sleep. Dry flaky blood, stiff joints is rather uncomfortable. Regrets and goals plaguing his already shattered mind. It was for the best, it was better for everyone else not to worry about demons lurking in throughout the night. Monsters can stay in those closets and under the beds for all he cared. Such idiocy.

Quickly making his way to the bathroom to avoid any eye contact or conversation from the other occupants living in the shop he slammed the door shut locking it. Stripping his sleeping wear carefully, the lieutenant felt his stomach twist when the blood soaked fabric clung to his skin. Better clean that later on today. Adjusting the taps in the small shower he removed the dirty, blotch bandages till the room filled with steam.

The hot water felt wonderful against his sensitive skin. Renji would soon lose himself in the same daydream, the hot droplets would wash away his sin, cleanse his body of filth and make him pure. It burn, but in a good way, until the water cooled and suddenly dropped to an ice cold temperature and the fantasy would be ruin. Then he would reluctantly dry his body, re-bandage his wounds, tie a white towel around his slimming waist and toss the bloody clothes in a garbage bag to be clean later. It was the same ritual every morning. Fight, sleep, clean; repeat if necessary. Renji felt light headed, a headache already throbbing inside his skull, the first sign of the day that he will awaken in hell once again.

Stepping out of the bathroom with the plastic bag sling over his shoulder, the usual path to his room was blocked. Two little figures that is, one meek black haired girl while the other, a small red head boy with a scowl planted on his face.

"Oi, freeloader you took all the hot water again this morning!" Jinta scoffed crossing his arms, "When the water bill comes in the mail you'll be charged you lazy ass." Renji felt his eye twitched, the boy always called him lazy every day, every night even though the shinigami cleans the shop, train for hours on end, stays late at night to kill Hollows, finish unfinished paper work from Soul Society and still make it to school. Keeping his mask up, he shrugged, not bothering to give an answer out of weariness then annoyance. Jinta stomped his foot in frustration muttering something along the line of no-good-lazy-tattoo-freak.

"Ano...freeloader-san good morning," Ururu's quiet voice almost barely heard from the boy's rant. "Will you be joining us for breakfast?" Jinta grinned facing the shinigami.

"Maybe we should cut your meals to pay for the water bills..."

With a frown, the tattooed man walked passed the two children without an answer heading straight for his room. Slamming the second door this morning, he quickly changed into the school uniform he was forced to wear. Urahara-san thought it was best for Renji to attend school for now until they could figure out Aizen's next moves. He snorted, it was a waste of time, but he would do it to see her. Even if it was a glimpse he would see Rukia. Unable to stop the smile from the thought of the dark eyed girl he slipped on his grey jacket to hide the bandages. Uruhara-san would not be concern, nor would the two brats give any care about his health but Rukia would question him. Maybe...of course...well...

Use to anyways. If it involved the other bright haired shinigami she would care.

Halting his movements, anger surged through his veins. All he saw was black, the heavy weight descending on his shoulders once more. Rukia's saviour. The damn wannabe Death God that caught his best friends attention and complete devotion. Kurosaki Ichigo.

Ichigo this, and Ichigo that. That was all Rukia would talk to him about, or she would always bring his name into their conversations. It was annoying, it hurt him but the female shinigami would never noticed. She only cared for the human. A fifteen year old human who is one tenth their age. Just a kid.

Renji felt his heart ache. Bringing a shaky hand to his chest he took deep breaths, fighting the dark feeling that threaten to take his body. "Not today, please not today," he whispered, voice quivering. He refused to fall apart and let the abhorrent emotions take control. Focus on your goals and regrets, the only thing that is keeping you alive. Calming his body, he sighed wishing for nightfall to descend so that he could go out and kill more Hollows. A knock brought him back from his thoughts.

"Ano...sorry to disturb you freeloader-san but breakfast is ready," Ururu's small voice spoke to him.

"Gomen kudasai, Ururu-san but I'm not...hungry this morning," That was a lie. Renji couldn't remember the last time he had eaten, not that anyone cared or anything. His stomach tighten at the thought of food and he felt sick.

There was a short pause. "Oh, okay then we will see you at dinner tonight, have a good day freeloader-san..." Light footsteps scurried away quickly leaving the shinigami alone with his thoughts. Renji suddenly felt unwelcomed.

The walk to school was slow and quiet. Renji would have loved to walk with Rukia, perhaps discussed plans for the weekend or engage in conversation about the previous events from last night. Just hearing her voice would make his heart flutter. It would never happen though, she always walks with him every morning.

"Don't think like that, don't think that now," he muttered to himself.

"Don't think like what Renji?"

That voice made his heart melt, the tough mask he wore slipped away and a warm smile spread across his lips. Looking over his shoulder he grinned. "Good morning Rukia," I've missed you...

The noble smiled back, but soon frowned. "Where were you yesterday?" Concern laced in her voice and Renji felt his heart soar. Wait yesterday?

"What?"

She sighed, "Yesterday night we were all supposed to go to the movies remember?" Blinking once he tried to remember. Right last night, he was tired so tired.

"Oh that...right." All of them planned that night, but it wouldn't be right for Renji to tag along. Inoue, Ishida, Chad...Ichigo. They were her friends not his. He didn't want to freeload off them, he did that enough everywhere else so why bother being a burden to the rest of them.

Rukia crossed her arms, her eyes narrowed. It seemed she was not pleased with him missing last nights events. "Well why didn't you come?"

Because I was busy protecting the city so you and your friends would have a wonderful night, because I don't deserve their pity, because he was there with you... Renji scratched behind his neck.

"Well...ano...I..."

"Good morning!" A high pitched cheery voice averted Rukia's attention saving him. Sighing in relief he was glad to see Inoue. Following behind her the others soon followed. Chad was silent as usual waving hello while Ishida simply said morning. Before Renji could reply back he saw orange spiky hair and brown eyes. His mood soured instantly.

"Good morning Kurosaki-kun," Inoue chirped as usual standing beside the bright haired Death God.

"Morning Inoue, morning everyone, Rukia you sure are excited to get to school today, thought I lost ya for a sec!" Rukia smiled playfully smacking Ichigo's shouder.

"You're too slow that's why," The group of teenagers shared a laugh, except for Renji.

His eyes followed his best friends movements, they way she smack Ichigo, they way she laughed and that smile, God that smile. I can't make her laugh like that. Why can't I make her smile like that.

He felt cold, emptiness feeling his heart and he felt alone.

He couldn't breathe.

Well that's everything for now.

Sorry about the really angsty Renji but in my point of view, I find that Renji truly cares for Rukia but never gets a chance to really show his feelings or have his feelings accepted. And that would tear him apart. Of course he has to wear a mask to not appear weak but sooner or later that mask will break. If it's too OOC I apologize. My first Bleach fanfiction. Hope you enjoyed it. Will be updated soon.