I'm writing n2n fanfiction: surprise, surprise. I blame tumblr. I've also come to a rather strange realization that my writing takes the same style as that of a children's storybook. Ah well. Fiat lux is latin for 'let there be light', I think. I found it while reading the brick. Also not too sure about the years, but I needed something to put in there. Be warned, this is nearly plotless and the characterizations are on level please forgive me. I just needed an outlet for the feels. Reviews are as appreciated as Aaron's fab everything, but not by much.
It wasn't too quiet. Sure, there was a chapel near the entrance and there weren't too many people around, but the place didn't feel as dead as its inhabitants. The security guard tipped his hat a little as their car passed by, and Henry honked once in acknowledgement. He insisted on driving, and as Natalie wasn't really fond of being on the wheel, she'd agreed without comment.
"You okay?"
His gaze never wavered from the road, but she detected the faint tone of concern in his voice. It was enough to make her smile.
"Yeah. Yeah, I think so."
"Do you want me to come with you, or… ?"
"No," she replied immediately, perhaps a bit harsher than she meant. She cleared her throat, and repeated with a calmer inflection, "No. It's been too long; I need to do this alone."
"Yeah okay."
They stayed silent for the rest of the short drive, but somewhere down the road, his right hand and her left met in the middle. It was a tiny reassurance, but it said what needed to be said: I'm here.
Henry pulled over a few paces away from the lot and parked alongside the curb. Once the engine quieted, they stared at each other from the rear view mirror.
"Here goes nothing," she stated matter-of-factly, heaving a deep breath.
"I'll stay here and watch your stuff," he replied, eyes steady on hers.
"I won't be long."
"Take all the time you need."
"Thanks Henry."
"See you."
There's a small bouquet of flowers in her hand and two small candles in another. Vestiges of guilt and longing for something she couldn't quite explain lead her to the familiar patch of land where her older brother was buried.
They never stayed long when they visited him as a family. The last time she was here, she was maybe around nine or ten. It was funny how her Mom's sickness helped her understand her brother's death more than the cold, decaying evidence now lying underneath thick layers of soil, underneath her.
He had a stone plaque resting on the grass above where his head should be. The inscription was simple and Natalie was startled to realize that she still remembers the words on the stone, even before she reads them.
She knelt down carefully, laid the flowers down and lit the candles. The soft, yellow light of the flames illuminated them, casting shadows on the worn letters and darkening the light grey of the tombstone.
Gabriel Goodman
1993-1994
Fiat lux
"Hey," she whispered, her hand trailing over the words, marks etched onto smooth stone that were supposed to mean something, that were supposed to make her miss the brother she's never known.
"It's been a few months since Mom left. She's okay, I think. We- well, Henry and I, visited last weekend. She's staying at this small apartment, working odd jobs here and there. I don't think she talks to Dad all that much."
Natalie took a deep breath and dropped her hands on her lap. This was stupid. All of it. But she can't stop, not now.
"They've got separate doctors, Mom and Dad. Dad's not taking meds yet, but he will soon enough. I've always wanted to leave home, you know. To just break free of everything. I always just thought that Dad will always be there to take care of Mom and they'll be fine together, but they're not."
"I never thought-" she broke off with a watery laugh, "I never thought I'd be more worried over Dad than Mom, but he told me he'd be fine by himself. He's always been a bad liar. But you see, Gabe, your younger sister is a selfish bitch. I got accepted into Yale. And I'm moving to an off-campus housing facility right now. I'm hoping it's not too shitty. Would you be proud, I wonder? Are you proud of your sister, Gabe?"
She glared down at the grass and thumped at it with closed fists, pulling out green blades the same way she tears out her hair when she's officially done with everything.
"I hate you so much, you know. Why can't you be there for me the way you were with Mom? Maybe I wanted a brother too! Maybe I needed to be a little crazy once in a while! Maybe I needed someone in my life that wasn't completely fucked up."
Chewing on her lower lip, she squinted down hard at the plaque until the only things she can see are hazy edges and a double, unsteady "Gabriel".
"Maybe the whole selfishness thing is in our genes. You're pretty selfish yourself. You got the worst part of the deal, though. I mean, you're dead and I'm going to college, so hah!"
She gave up on narrowing her eyes and the first few tears trickled their way down her cheeks. In a cruel twist of irony, one of the drops landed on a candle and snuffed the flame out.
"Goddammit," she muttered without malice as she lights it again with shaky fingers, the lighter slippery in her hand. The candle won't light.
"Oh, what's the point."
She left the first candle unlit.
"Henry and I are doing great. Not that you'd care. Now that I think about it, you probably won't approve of him. But hey, we take care of each other and that's more than you ever did for me."
Natalie wondered if she'd earned herself a one-way ticket to hell through talking to her dead brother in the least respectful way possible. When it comes down to it, this was the least hell-ish thing she ever did, so she doesn't really care much. She wanted to say goodbye, actually. She was moving out and it felt sentimental for some reason, even if it was her fondest dream to just leave and be on her own. Goodbye to her Dad, to her Mom, to the whole fucking town, and she just realized that she had to include her brother in on that list too. So here she was.
"I'm leaving," she announced abruptly, shifting her position to a half-kneel, "I'm leaving and I won't be coming back for a while so…"
This sucks. Gabe's dead and he's not going to answer you so just go already, Natalie.
"Bye now. Have fun in wherever you are and stop stalking Mom for fuck's sake. It's creepy."
A pause. Go. Go, Natalie. Now.
"Leave her alone, okay? She's getting better and no one wants you messing that up."
She stood up and straightened her shirt, dusted off her jeans. Leave. Leave now.
"I have another dream, you know," she stated conversationally, "Even bigger than leaving this hole and performing professionally."
"I wish I could've loved you. I wish I could've missed you. I wish you didn't die and that we grew up together and I don't look like an idiot standing here and staring at your tombstone because of some stupid allergies."
This time, she didn't stop the tears from falling. She waited until they dried on her cheeks and the other candle melted into a pathetic puddle of wax.
"I wish it was you driving me today. I wish you'd give me a kiss on the forehead as you drop me off and warn me not to do anything you wouldn't do. I wish you'd smirk at me and wink suggestively when you see me and Henry going out. I wish you'd embarrass me at school and be annoyingly overprotective on family trips."
"But you won't and I really have to come to terms with that without your pseudo-ghost-hallucination around. "
She dried her tears and scraped the wax off silently. Henry was waiting and she did feel bad about that, especially when she said she won't be long.
"Bye Gabe. I really, really hope I won't see you soon."
If she wanted to ignore the sudden gust of wind that suspiciously sounded like the words "I'll miss you, baby sis" as she walked back to the car, well that was her problem and nobody else's business.
fin