Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, 0ptimuspenguin came up with the original idea and blessed the Hetalia fandom with it, and sadly - SADLY, I do not have a factory that makes these... (otherwise I would totally have like five myself)
Title: KURT HUMMEL: User Guide and Manual
Pairing: Multiple yet none at all
Rating: K+
Status: Complete
Summary: CONGRATULATIONS! You have just purchased your very own KURT HUMMEL unit! To ensure that you, the owner, get the best out of your unit, while avoiding bodily and emotional harm, we have taken the liberty to write this manual, and strongly suggest that you read it.
Note: This fanfiction can also be read on AO3 and LJ
Original idea by 0ptimuspenguin - previously known as LolliDictator
KURT HUMMEL: User Guide and Manual
CONGRATULATIONS! You have just purchased your very own KURT HUMMEL unit! To ensure that you, the owner, get the best out of your unit, while avoiding bodily and emotional harm, we have taken the liberty to write this manual, and strongly suggest that you read it.
Technical Specifications:
Name: Kurt Elizabeth Hummel. Will also reply to "Kiddo", "Kurtie", "Porcelain", "My Best Gay", "Gaylinda", "Fancy", "Tickle-Me-Dough-Face", "Son of Burt 'Baboon Heart' Hummel", "Teen Gay", "Babe", "Lady Face", "Gay Hutch" and "Old Betty White" although he might do it rather angrily in some cases.
Age: 19
Place of Manufacture: Rome, Italy
Height: 5'11"
Weight: N/A (it tends to fluctuate with his intake of cheesecake)
Your KURT HUMMEL unit comes with the following accessories:
Five (5) skin tight trousers in various colours (gold, red, black, jeans, purple)
Five (5) shirts in various colours and patterns (white, black, blue, chequered, stripes)
Three (3) pair of Doc Martins in various colours and designs (black, black and white, knee high)
Ten (10) scarves in different colours, patterns and sizes
One (1) All the Single Ladies outfit
One (1) kilt
Three (3) bottles of hairspray
One (1) skincare kit
Programming:
Your KURT HUMMEL unit comes equipped with the following traits:
Performer/Singer: KURT HUMMEL was meant to be on stage it seems, with his charisma and unique voice, together with the ability to dance like Beyonce. Get him an audition and he'll be the next rising star in the industry.
Personal Shopper: Is your wardrobe a total disaster, or do you feel that your friends are in a need of a serious makeover? Well, you're in luck, because KURT HUMMEL is brilliant when it comes to fashion, and he would not hesitate to help you and your friends, in fact he might actually force new clothes upon you. Be warned though, he's motto is "fashion has no gender", and you might end up with garments from all kinds of clothing departments if he's really in the mood for it.
Chef: Whether you're tired from a hard day at work, or you just can't cook, KURT HUMMEL is very talented in the kitchen and can feed you with nutritious meals if you only ask him to. If you ask really nicely he might even make you calorie bombs such as pizza, waffles and chocolate chip pancakes.
Mechanic: Believe it or not, but your unit possesses exemplary knowledge about cars and how to fix them. Get him a job at your local mechanic and he'll provide a steady flow of cash for you.
Removal of your KURT HUMMEL unit from Packaging:
KURT HUMMEL is one our more calm and kind units who is very opposed to violence. But he is perfectly capable of making you want to hide under your duvet and cry if you get the wrong side of him, especially if he happened to be jostled during shipment. To ensure that you don't get traumatised by his cruel words, we, the maker of this manual, have provided you with a list of fail-safe ways to wake up your unit.
Play anything from "Wicked", "Defying Gravity" is especially recommended, and do it so loudly that you can hear it down the street. Your KURT HUMMEL unit will start to sing as soon as he hear the tune and will climb out of his box so that he can sing properly. While he's singing you can reprogram him.
Make him a cup of non-fat mocha and place it near the box, so he can spell it's aroma. KURT HUMMEL will calmly get out of his box and then take a sip of his coffee, and thank you for it if it's good. If it's not though, he will in the worst case scenario choke on it and spit it out on your floor, and start glaring at you disapprovingly.
Shout that you have cheesecake, but not too close lest you'll be hit by pieces of the box as KURT HUMMEL will kick his way out of it in order to get some. Make sure that you have said cheesecake though, or else he might end you. You are free to reprogram him while he's eating.
If you are absolutely sure that the shipment went perfectly you can just simply lift the lid off and pray that he doesn't kill you for waking up him improperly.
Reprogramming:
After successfully removing your KURT HUMMEL unit from his box, you may reprogram him to any the following settings:
Fabulous (default)
Caring (default)
Bitchy
Melancholic
Sexy (locked)
Sadistic (locked)
KURT HUMMEL comes in his default of Fabulous and Caring. That in entail that he is, simply put, absolutely fabulous in every part of his manner, and also very kind and sweet towards you –– until you piss him off which would lead him into Bitchy, or hurt his feelings in which he will step into Melancholic.
In Bitchy, your unit will find something to insult in almost everything about his subject of irritation, which tends to be rather hilarious if the subject isn't in fact you. Bitchy mood is easily accessed, just insult someone he cares about admires or, such as Lady Gaga or BURT HUMMEL, or insult his clothing. Another option is to leave him alone with a normal SEBASTIAN SMYTHE unit, and we recommend that you set up cameras all over your house before leaving these two together, since their verbal battles tends to be epic.
The Melancholic mood is unlocked by either bullying your unit, making him think that he is unloved or by reminding him that he didn't get into NYADA. In this mood he will sulk for hours at end, cry and listen to sad music. He might throw a fit if you cross his path while in this mood, and the best way to get him out of it is to assure him that he is strong and special, or have a BURT HUMMEL or a BLAINE ANDERSON unit to do it for you.
KURT HUMMEL has two locked moods; Sexy and Sadistic. In Sexy, your unit will make everyone in his surroundings lust for him by swaying his hips and/or walk around in pants that look like they were painted on him. He might not always know when he is in his Sexy mood, unless someone tells him, and if it's a BURT HUMMEL or FINN HUDSON unit who do so he is almost certainly going to snap out of the mood. Gaining the mood is rather easy though, get him to dance to Lady Gaga or Beyonce, provide him with a fashionable, yet skin tight and sexy outfit, or get him drunk. Be aware though that by getting your KURT HUMMEL unit drunk there is a 50% chance that he might go into Melancholic instead, in which he tends to be even worse under the influence of alcohol.
Sadistic is the other locked mood, and it's looked for a good reason. It can only be accessed by a shocking event such as your unit seeing the dead corpse of BURT HUMMEL or learning that one of his dearest friends has been raped. In this mood, your KURT HUMMEL will be merciless and nothing can stop him from getting his revenge. He will not be above using you, his owner, to get what he wants and will probably not realize exactly what he's doing until his anger is quenched and he drops into Melancholic. This mood is not advised, and we, the makers, hereby give all claim of this unit to the owner and will not be held responsible for any actions done by KURT HUMMEL. To get him out of Sadistic early you will have to rewire his entire hard drive, which you can call Customer Support for help upon.
Relationship with Other Units
BURT HUMMEL: He is KURT HUMMEL's father and they have a very strong and healthy relationship, despite their differences. Your unit loves him dearly and would do anything for him.
BLAINE ANDERSON: These two units are actually boyfriends and your units first choice when trying to find a partner. They are very cute together and you don't have to work hard to get your KURT HUMMEL unit together with a BLAINE ANDERSON unit, since they will drift towards each other shortly after being introduced. If you ever harm a BLAINE ANDERSON unit and your KURT HUMMEL gets to know it, be prepared that he's plotting something against you, especially if your unit happens to know a SANTANA LOPEZ unit.
RACHEL BERRY: RACHEL BERRY and KURT HUMMEL go way back, first seeing each other as rivals over solos and FINN HUDSON. But over time they bonded over their shared passions and dreams and are now close friends.
FINN HUDSON: This was your units first crush, as he was just about the only guy that was somewhat nice towards him. But then they actually became stepbrothers and they love each other as such. That love can turn into something else if that's what you asking, but only if you're prepared to work for it.
MERCEDES JONES: Another one of your units close friends. MERCEDES JONES actually had a crush on KURT HUMMEL in the beginning of their friendship, as she was lead to believe that he was straight and that they were dating, which KURT HUMMEL answered in panic that he was in love with RACHEL BERRY before confessing to her that he was in fact gay. If anything, the confession just made them grow closer.
SEBASTIAN F. SMYTHE: SEBASTIAN SMYTHE and KURT HUMMEL view each other as enemies after SEBASTIAN SMYTHE tried to initiate an affair with BLAINE ANDERSON and they both agree that they don't like each other. There's a thin line between love and hate though, and it honestly wouldn't be that hard to get the two of them into becoming romantically attached to one another. On another note, a relationship between KURT HUMMEL, SEBASTIAN SMYTHE and BLAINE ANDERSON can also be achieved, if only for one night, if you try hard enough. We highly recommend that you record whenever KURT HUMMEL and SEBASTIAN SMYTHE cross each others paths though, no matter your ulterior motive, since they usually throw the most amusing insults at each other.
DAVE KAROFSKY: This is your units former bully and his first kiss that counted (since KURT HUMMEL's first kiss would otherwise be BRITTANY S. PIERCE) and after hating DAVE KAROFSKY, KURT HUMMEL came to understand and pity him. These two units can most definitely start a relationship with each other if you try, but we recommend that you keep your KURT HUMMEL away from a BLAINE ANDERSON unit for most efficiency.
NOAH PUCKERMAN: Despite their rocky past and many counterpoints, KURT HUMMEL enjoys to spend time with NOAH PUCKERMAN, and NOAH PUCKERMAN enjoys to spend time with KURT HUMMEL... and you may take that in any way you like.
Cleaning
Your unit is very hygienic and therefore perfectly able to take care of himself. He will be very reluctant to bathe with anyone, since he is rather shy when it comes to showing bare skin.
Feeding
KURT HUMMEL can make food for himself, and you too if you ask him, and his meals tend to be healthy and sometimes quite experimental. If he feels that you can't cook properly he will undoubtedly take over and/or try to teach you how to cook, but if your cooking skills meets his standards he will gladly eat anything you serve him.
Rest
KURT HUMMEL is a unit who values order and routine, and will therefore go to bed around 9 – 11 every night, and wake up at 7AM. Keep in mind though that he is a teenager and and will most likely break this routine for time to time.
FAQ
Q: My unit run out of skincare products and now he refuses to leave his room! What should I do?
A: Buy him new ones. Make sure you get the right labels though, since he is picky about it and you could either have to ask him for the right brands, or order a new kit from us.
Q: My KURT HUMMEL is buying too many clothes I can't pay for! I'm not made of money you know.
A: We apologize for the problem he might have caused you, but like to remind you that we cannot be held responsible for anything he does. But if you wish for him to stop you'll have to make it very clear to him that if he wants something he'll have to earn it himself, and then make sure that he gets a job.
Q: He just started to bake all of a sudden and now I'm seriously losing my health to his sinful cakes and cookies!
A: This is an excellent time to practise your ability to resist temptation and if you succeed will lead you to a better and healthier life. Or, you can just ask why this massive bakery is taking place and try to come up to a solution to whatever problem he's avoiding.
Troubleshooting
Problem: Instead of a normal KURT HUMMEL unit, you received a slightly younger version dressed in a red cheerio outfit. He doesn't know who BLAINE ANDERSON or SEBASTIAN SMYTHE are and he keeps going through these drills like his life depend on it.
Solution: Whoops! We accidentally sent you a Cheerio!KURT unit. This unit hasn't met BLAINE ANDERSON or SEBASTIAN SMYTHE yet and will therefore not recognize them. He will also be very withdrawn in the presence of DAVE KAROFSKY units and NOAH PUCKERMAN units, be cold towards RACHEL BERRY, and he has a crush on FINN HUDSON, so beware. If you wish for the unit you actually ordered, send him right back and we'll deliver a prober unit within five work days.
Problem: Your unit suddenly started going around in flannel and trucker wear, speaks in a low voice, refuses to listen to his normal music and instead goes around humming John Mellencamp. He also made out with a BRITTANY S. PIERCE unit, which frankly traumatised you.
Solution: Congratulations! You have unlocked your units hidden Butch Kurt mood. In this mood KURT HUMMEL will try convince himself and everyone around him that he is straight and will make you generally uncomfortable. To get him out of it, leave him alone with a BURT HUMMEL unit, a normal BLAINE ANDERSON unit or a Kind SEBASTIAN SMYTHE unit, as these are the only ones that he will listen to in this matter.
End Notes
KURT HUMMEL is one of the most pleasant units we have to offer, and with enough care, appreciation and coffee he will make a fantastic companion. We wish you good luck!
A/N: Next up: BLAINE ANDERSON! :D