The Alliance is bad. Oz is bad. To combat them, the colonies send five suicidal teenagers to earth. Good plan, eh?
Zechs: Does this mask make me look like a chicken?
Noin: I don't care if you look like a chicken. It's been 5 minutes and 32 seconds since we last had sex, Zechs.
Zechs: True, why don't we…hey, whazzat? A gundam! Ooh, my warrior blood is boiling over with the desire to blow stuff up! Perhaps the pilot of that gundam shall become my deadly rival with whom I shall battle over and over and over and over and over and over again until the end of the series!
Heero: Sounds good to me. Blam.
Zechs: Blam!
Relena: It's so tragic that upstanding citizens such as yourself have this vile need to fight. Wouldn't it be so dramatic if you turned out to be my brother?
Darlian: Well, you are a Peacecraft--
Une: *shoots him before he can say anything else*
Treize: Good work, Lady Une. Now go get me some roses. I'm at my most sinister when I'm taking a rose bath, you know.
Heero: Yo. I'm Heero Yuy. Die, Relena.
Relena: Sure, why not. *throws herself at Heero*
Heero: Hmmm…maybe I shouldn't kill you, for some inexplicable reason.
Duo: Look at me, I'm cute and I'm funny! I've got a cool death thing going, when I'm not censored! I should be the star of the show, doncha think?
Heero: You're not suicidal enough.
Trowa: Or deadpan enough.
Quatre: Or tragic enough.
Wufei: Or arrogant enough. Watch me pick on anyone wussier than me! *blows up some women and children*
Heero: Mmm…explosions. *blows up his gundam*
Quatre: *blows up his gundam*
Duo: *tries to blow up his gundam* D'oh! Mine won't work!
Trowa: Here, let me help. *blows up Duo's gundam*
Duo: Wah!
Trowa: Looks like I'm a traitor.
Quatre: Trowa, you two-timer!
Duo: @#$(%* bastard blew up my god damn Gundam!!! *gets censored*
Relena: Aw, would you look at that? These gundam pilots are so noble and good-hearted...they'll save us all...
Noin: Definitely! If anyone can save humanity, it's these five emotionally unbalanced teenagers armed with insanely powerful weapons!
Wing: Insanely powerful is good. Heh heh.
Heero: Wing...are you trying to tell me something?
Wing Gundam: Of course not, you incomprehensible moron. I'm a machine. You hearing voices in your head?
Heero: Screw you.
Relena turns out to be the heir to the throne of Sanc Kingdom. For some reason, politicians actually think this means she has a brain.
Relena: Peace is good. Fighting is bad. We must maintain peace by not fighting!
Politicians: She's such a genius!
Heero: She's spitting in my face.
Relena: Let me have my own kingdom.
Politicians: Okay!
Relena: Gee whiz, that was easy. Now, let us speechify for a while to take up time!
Politicians: Hooray!
Treize: What is this, the eighteenth century AD? If you like teenage-led monarchies so much, why don't you just make that Relena girl Queen of the World?
Politicians: Good idea!
Heero: Who made up that crackpot idea...
Sally: Who am I? Does anyone care?
Other two-bitters: Not really.
Wufei: That's justice for you. Justice is good, as long as I still get to blow things up indiscriminately. *blows things up indiscriminately*
OZ dude: I got an idea, how 'bout we use these 'mobile puppet' things instead of paying expensive funeral costs for dead pilots? Then we won't have to fake sympathy to their families anymore.
Zechs: You're replacing me with mobile marionettes? What about my contract? Damnit, I'm defecting.
Treize: No, you're defective. Get out of here, you hussy.
Noin: Zechs, it's been 20 minutes and 46 seconds…
Quatre: I've got an idea, let's go to outer space! No, let's go to Earth! No, outer space! Earth! Outer space! Argh! *goes insane, uses Zero system, goes more insane*
Heero: *uses Zero, goes more insane*
Duo: *uses Zero, goes insane*
Zechs: *uses Zero, goes insane*
Wufei: *uses Zero, goes insane*
Trowa: How come I don't get a turn?
Quatre: Because I blew you up ten episodes ago. Ka-blam!
Trowa: Hmm…floating in space...
Treize: Space…
Zechs: The Earth…
Heero: The Earth…that's where Relena Peacecraft is. Relena…
Relena: Heero…
Duo: I think I'm gonna be sick. *gets sick*
Heero: *sigh* Why must I keep fighting in these pointless battles?
Wufei: Because they're fun. Duh.
Heero: No...that's not true. I abhor killing. Really, I do. Even when I'm laughing like a maniac and looking like I'm having a grand 'ol time, I'm actually hurting inside. Really.
Relena: Oh, my poor Heero!
Wufei: *snickers*
Zechs decides that destroying the Earth will help the people living there to be peaceful. In a way, yes…
Relena: Peace is good, fighting is bad, peace is good, fighting is…bad…
Zechs: Wrong, fighting is good and peace is bad. Good is bad and bad is good and human destiny is to fight so poo on you, sis.
Relena: No, it can't be! It just can't BE! Oh, the humanity!
Zechs: Deploy the mobile dummies!
Treize: You're the one who's a dummy. Why the hell are we fighting each other?
Zechs: To, uh, show that…fighting is bad? Yeah?
Treize: Sounds good to me.
Duo: We don't have enough to do, dammit.
Quatre: Why don't we make some plots up for ourselves?
Wufei: Okay. *stabs Treize with pitchfork* Whoops! I feel stupid. Got justice?
Duo: C'mon, send me a plot with a cute girl in it…
Hilde: Like me?
Duo: Yes!
5 Scientists: Like us?
Duo: No!
Quatre: Dorothy Catalonia, that is one smooth car.
Dorothy: Yes, it IS smooth. And so am I. So is war. War is beautiful, flowing like a river, like an Endless Waltz of gunfire, blood, tears. No wait, changed my mind, war is bad.
Quatre: Er…
Trowa: Quatre, I'm coming! I'll save you from that harridan. *saves Quatre*
Zechs: Die again for the last time, Heero Yuy!
Heero: Die, Zechs!
Relena: Oh, Heero. Oh, Milliardo. Why must my loved ones fight?
Heero: Wait a sec, I see the light. *has epiphany* Peace…and fighting. Fighting…and peace. Relena Peacecraft symbolizes peace. Zechs symbolizes fighting. But humans have to make peace with the urge to fight within themselves, in order to attain true peace. But I hate Relena. Therefore peace is bad. Fighting is good. Fighting sells Bandai action figures. Got it.
Zechs: Hello, how come I haven't killed you throughout your long soliloquy? And how come you haven't gotten killed by a mobile moppet yet? Or the Earth been blown up by my self-righteous schemes? Tell me!
Heero: I had an epiphany. It was fun. Why don't you try it?
Zechs: Fine. *has epiphany*
Quatre: *has epiphany*
Duo: *has epiphany*
Trowa: *has epiphany*
Wufei: *has epiphany*
Misc. characters: *have mass epiphany*
Relena: I don't get it.
Heero: Have a teddy bear.
Relena: Ooh! That's so sweet and not out-of-character at all! Thank you, Heero...my Heero?
Heero: *Runs away*
The End. Until Endless Schmaltz, of course.