Title: Yesterday & Tomorrow
Author: Steph (ILUVNYYANK@aol.com)
Category: Drama/Romantic overtones
Pairings: Syd/Vaughn
Spoilers: Season 3 stuff, specifically "Crossings" and "After Six".
Rating: PG
Archive: Sure, just let me know where.
Disclaimer: Alias and its characters do not belong to me. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.
Summary: Vaughn has a session with Dr. Barnett, during which he discusses his relationship with Sydney.
Note: So, Sydney got her chance to talk to Dr. Barnett and I figured it's only fair that Vaughn get the same chance. I've done two Dr. Barnett stories before and they're always a lot of fun to write. Practically write themselves! Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you thought! ~Steph
* * * Yesterday & Tomorrow: Part 1/1 * * *
Vaughn opened the door to Dr. Barnett's office and offered her a pursed smile. "You asked to see me?"
She removed her reading glasses and placed them on her desk, gesturing to the couch. "Yes, thank you for coming, Agent Vaughn. Please, have a seat."
He nodded and took his spot on the couch. She stood up from her chair and seated herself across from him.
She was silent for a few long moments, just looking at him, before finally speaking, "So, Agent Vaughn, I asked to see you because I thought you might need to talk, given some of the more stressful events in your life recently. I'm specifically referring to nearly dying in North Korea with Agent Bristow."
Vaughn shifted uncomfortably in his seat at the mention of Sydney and North Korea. He wondered if Sydney had talked to Barnett about it yet and, if she had, what she'd said. He had a feeling this little talk had been prompted by something Sydney had revealed.
He tried to shrug nonchalantly. "It wasn't the first time and it certainly won't be the last."
She offered him a little smile that indicated she had been expecting that answer. "I understand that you've faced dangerous situations before, even the possibility of death, but I believe this situation was different, to some degree at least. Correct me if I'm wrong, but, as far as you and Agent Bristow were concerned, there was no hope of escape. You were merely a moment away from dying and there was nothing you could do."
He swallowed hard. "Yes."
"And I assume that you both realized this prior to that moment."
"Yes."
She paused, offering him a pointed look, before going on, "Well, I'm curious then. Having never faced certain death before, I have no firsthand knowledge on the subject. However, I've been doing this job long enough to know that there are things people experience in situations like this. It is not unusual, common in fact, for people to take stock of their lives, clear their conscience by making admissions, try to rectify any regrets. So, I suppose I'm curious if you experienced anything similar to that."
Vaughn's jaw tightened. "Well, I guess it's natural to look back on your life and think about what it's been like in a situation such as that. I suppose I had some thoughts."
"Any you'd care to share?"
His eyes met hers. He felt like he'd been holding his breath since he entered the room. He had been determined to give Barnett as little as possible. But he now realized that would be useless. He did not want to get into this, but it was clear he didn't have any choice.
He cleared his throat. "I guess I was mainly thinking about what's happened over the last six or so months."
"Since Agent Bristow came back," she supplied.
He nodded. "Yes."
"That couldn't have been easy for you. Having this woman you care deeply for suddenly reappear now that you're married."
"It hasn't been easy, but we've all dealt with it the best we can."
"I would imagine that all three of you working in the same place makes it more difficult."
"It can."
"Have you or your wife thought about asking for a transfer? Removing one, or even both, of you would certainly help the situation."
"Lauren was assigned to the agency as the NSC liaison. She needs to be here."
"And you?"
Vaughn looked down at his lap. "If I thought that my leaving would help Sydney, then I would."
"Then you don't believe your leaving would benefit Agent Bristow?"
He paused for a long moment, before raising his head and meeting her eyes. "No, I don't."
She tilted her head to the side. "In fact, you left the CIA after Agent Bristow's apparent death, but you rejoined it following her reappearance."
"That's correct."
"So, I can assume the two are connected. That you left because of her death and came back because of her resurfacing."
Vaughn rubbed at his mouth before answering. "I left the CIA because it was too painful to be here without Sydney. Everything reminded me of her. I knew I couldn't do my job the way it should be done, so I left."
"Why did you return? Surely you must have realized what a difficult situation it would be."
Vaughn moved his left hand to the arm of the couch and gripped it tightly. "I did, but...even though our relationship isn't what it used to be, Sydney and I have a trust that allows us to do our jobs well....allows her to do her job well."
"So, you believe it helps her to have you here. That's why you came back and that's why you won't transfer."
"Sydney's been betrayed by many people in her life. She's lost a lot of people. Her success, her life, depends on working with people she trusts. I'm still one of those people for her."
"But if she asked you to transfer, you would."
He hesitated half-a-second before answering, something that did not go unnoticed by Barnett. "Yes, if that's what she wanted."
"Even though it might mean never seeing her again."
Vaughn took a deep breath and then let it out. "I'd do what's in Sydney's best interest."
Barnett sighed. "Agent Vaughn, I can't help you if you're not honest with me."
Vaughn's eyes widened in surprise, as he arched an eyebrow. "You asked to see me, Dr. Barnett. Not the other way around. I don't think I need any help, but I have been honest with you."
"Have you? Because you say everything you do is for Sydney, about Sydney. What about you? What about your feelings?"
"What about them?" he asked quietly, not exactly sure where she was going with this.
"You care deeply for Agent Bristow. You were involved in an intimate relationship with her. I think you have her best interests at heart, but it's not only about her. I don't think you can let go of her. I think you need to see her, be around her. And that's the main reason you came back, the main reason you stay."
Vaughn shook his head, but couldn't deny what she said. She waited a moment to see if he'd respond and then went on when he remained silent.
"I'd like to revisit what happened in North Korea. You said you thought about what's happened since Sydney came back. How so?"
Vaughn removed his eyes from hers. He sighed, as he realized it was time to let his guard down and be honest with her...Really honest. He needed to talk to somebody about what had happened and, at the very least, he knew she wouldn't tell anyone else what he said. Plus, he was sure to get more help and better advice than Weiss had given, with the added bonus of no wisecracks.
His voice was soft, his gaze still not meeting hers. "I thought about how much time I'd wasted. How I was given a second chance with her and I'd squandered it. I regretted never telling her how I truly felt."
Barnett nodded. "And did that lead you to do or say anything to Agent Bristow?"
"I thought we were going to die," he said, his tone bordering on defensive.
"I realize that, Agent Vaughn."
He focused his eyes on his fingers, which were now gripping the arm of the couch with such intensity that his knuckles had turned white. "I...I guess I told her that I still loved her. Not in so many words, but she understood."
"How do you know she understood?"
"Because she said she did. And then...then we kissed."
"You kissed," she repeated it as if it were the first time she was hearing this admission.
"Yes," he felt her eyes on him and slowly lifted his head to meet them. "I want you to know...to understand that I'm not the kind of man who cheats on his wife. I thought we were going to die and I just needed her to know."
"Why was that so important to you?"
He lowered his eyes again. "I know I've hurt her. I never meant to, but I have. I put doubts and questions in her head. I didn't want her to die with those. And I didn't want to die with anymore regrets."
"And now? You both survived. You're still working together. You're still married and your wife still works here. Has anything changed?"
He shook his head. "No...I mean, I don't think she doubts how I feel about her anymore, but we're still where we were before. Except...except now I guess it's even harder."
"What do you mean by that?"
He lifted his head, but kept his gaze just to the right of hers. "Before, I think she could try to convince herself that her feelings were not returned, that there was no chance for us. But now...now I've removed those doubts. We both know how we feel, but we're stuck in an impossible situation. So, we just go on, as best we can."
"I'm struck by your use of the words 'impossible situation'. This situation could be rectified. Knowing how you both feel, you could choose to end your marriage. Not that I'm a proponent of divorce, but it's certainly not uncommon in today's society. Is that not an option?"
"I made a promise to Lauren. I'm committed to our marriage."
"Yes, Agent Vaughn. I've spoken with you before; I've read everything the agency has on you. And one quality has stood out more than others: loyalty. Is that what this is about? Being loyal to your wife?"
"Like I said, I made a commitment, one I do not take lightly. I don't want to hurt my wife."
"And what about love? I haven't heard you mention love as a reason for staying in your marriage."
"I love my wife, Dr. Barnett."
"Like you love Sydney?" she asked, purposely using her first name.
Vaughn stared at her for a moment, taken aback by the question. He then lowered his head and rubbed at his eyes tiredly, his voice emerging low. "I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with the direction this conversation has taken. I've already said more than I ever meant to."
"You're welcome to leave at any time, Agent Vaughn. This was not a required session. It was not ordered by one of your superiors. I simply felt that, given recent events, you might need to talk."
He raised his head and met her eyes, but remained seated.
"Since you're still here, I'll assume you want to continue talking. So, I'll ask my question again. Do you love your wife like you love Sydney?"
He swallowed hard, suddenly aware of how dry his throat was. "What Sydney and I shared, still share, isn't like anything else I've ever experienced in my life."
"You feel a special connection to her, a special bond."
"Yes."
"Then why not end your marriage so you can be with her? Is this really just about keeping a promise? I realize you don't want to hurt your wife, but she is an intelligent woman. If you want to be with someone else, but remain in your marriage instead, then you're still hurting her. Loyalty...faithfulness isn't just about the physical. It's about the emotional, too."
Vaughn squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and let out a deep breath. When he reopened them, he focused his gaze on hers. "You want the truth? My commitment to Lauren, not wanting to hurt her, aren't the main reasons I've stayed in my marriage instead of going to Sydney. The truth is...as much as I still love her, I don't know if I'd be able to be with her again."
Barnett's brow furrowed in confusion. "I'm afraid I don't understand."
"Losing Sydney was the hardest thing I've dealt with in my adult life. It nearly killed me. I was lost without her. I don't know if I could stand opening myself up in that way, letting her in like that, only to lose her again."
Barnett raised her eyebrows, clearly not expecting this answer. "Obviously, Agent Bristow takes considerable risks in this line of work, as do you. She could die at any time, Agent Vaughn, whether or not you two are together. What's the difference?"
Vaughn waited a few moments before speaking. "The difference is that when I'm with her, she consumes me. I give all of myself. By not being with her, I'm able to hold back...not let her in as much."
"So, if she were to die, then it wouldn't hurt like it did before."
He nodded. Barnett shifted in her seat a bit, leaning forward. "Do you honestly believe that? If you truly have this connection, this bond that you speak of, then she's already a part of you. You've already given yourself to her. Do you really believe that losing her now wouldn't hurt just as much as it did before?"
Vaughn simply stared at her, pondering her words. He knew she was right. Losing her now would devastate him just like it had more than two years ago. He'd been in denial of that, using it as an excuse to stay in his marriage. It was a defense mechanism of sorts...one Barnett had just broken through.
She went on, "Have you considered that losing her now would hurt even more than before because you've spent so much time apart...wasted your second chance?"
Vaughn looked down at his hands. She was right...again. It would hurt even more. He would be filled with regrets that would overwhelm him.
She let the question hang in the air, not expecting an answer, but wanting him to mull it over. She finally spoke after a few moments of silence. "I'm willing to bet that, deep down, you already realized everything we've discussed here today. So, I guess the real question is this: What are you really afraid of? What's really stopping you from having what you want?"
Vaughn cleared his throat, realizing he couldn't do this anymore. He'd bared his soul enough for one day. Now he had to go home and think about it all.
"I...I have to go. I have a lot of work to do," he said abruptly, standing and quickly walking to the door.
Her voice stopped him. "When you can think of yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear, you are near contentment."
Vaughn slowly turned around to face her. "Who said that?"
"No one knows, but I think he or she had a point, don't you?" she replied, with a hint of a smile.
He looked at her for a long moment, before turning on his heel and leaving.
******************************THE END********************************* Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you thought :) Steph
~When you can think of yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear, you are near contentment.~ Author Unknown
Author: Steph (ILUVNYYANK@aol.com)
Category: Drama/Romantic overtones
Pairings: Syd/Vaughn
Spoilers: Season 3 stuff, specifically "Crossings" and "After Six".
Rating: PG
Archive: Sure, just let me know where.
Disclaimer: Alias and its characters do not belong to me. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.
Summary: Vaughn has a session with Dr. Barnett, during which he discusses his relationship with Sydney.
Note: So, Sydney got her chance to talk to Dr. Barnett and I figured it's only fair that Vaughn get the same chance. I've done two Dr. Barnett stories before and they're always a lot of fun to write. Practically write themselves! Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you thought! ~Steph
* * * Yesterday & Tomorrow: Part 1/1 * * *
Vaughn opened the door to Dr. Barnett's office and offered her a pursed smile. "You asked to see me?"
She removed her reading glasses and placed them on her desk, gesturing to the couch. "Yes, thank you for coming, Agent Vaughn. Please, have a seat."
He nodded and took his spot on the couch. She stood up from her chair and seated herself across from him.
She was silent for a few long moments, just looking at him, before finally speaking, "So, Agent Vaughn, I asked to see you because I thought you might need to talk, given some of the more stressful events in your life recently. I'm specifically referring to nearly dying in North Korea with Agent Bristow."
Vaughn shifted uncomfortably in his seat at the mention of Sydney and North Korea. He wondered if Sydney had talked to Barnett about it yet and, if she had, what she'd said. He had a feeling this little talk had been prompted by something Sydney had revealed.
He tried to shrug nonchalantly. "It wasn't the first time and it certainly won't be the last."
She offered him a little smile that indicated she had been expecting that answer. "I understand that you've faced dangerous situations before, even the possibility of death, but I believe this situation was different, to some degree at least. Correct me if I'm wrong, but, as far as you and Agent Bristow were concerned, there was no hope of escape. You were merely a moment away from dying and there was nothing you could do."
He swallowed hard. "Yes."
"And I assume that you both realized this prior to that moment."
"Yes."
She paused, offering him a pointed look, before going on, "Well, I'm curious then. Having never faced certain death before, I have no firsthand knowledge on the subject. However, I've been doing this job long enough to know that there are things people experience in situations like this. It is not unusual, common in fact, for people to take stock of their lives, clear their conscience by making admissions, try to rectify any regrets. So, I suppose I'm curious if you experienced anything similar to that."
Vaughn's jaw tightened. "Well, I guess it's natural to look back on your life and think about what it's been like in a situation such as that. I suppose I had some thoughts."
"Any you'd care to share?"
His eyes met hers. He felt like he'd been holding his breath since he entered the room. He had been determined to give Barnett as little as possible. But he now realized that would be useless. He did not want to get into this, but it was clear he didn't have any choice.
He cleared his throat. "I guess I was mainly thinking about what's happened over the last six or so months."
"Since Agent Bristow came back," she supplied.
He nodded. "Yes."
"That couldn't have been easy for you. Having this woman you care deeply for suddenly reappear now that you're married."
"It hasn't been easy, but we've all dealt with it the best we can."
"I would imagine that all three of you working in the same place makes it more difficult."
"It can."
"Have you or your wife thought about asking for a transfer? Removing one, or even both, of you would certainly help the situation."
"Lauren was assigned to the agency as the NSC liaison. She needs to be here."
"And you?"
Vaughn looked down at his lap. "If I thought that my leaving would help Sydney, then I would."
"Then you don't believe your leaving would benefit Agent Bristow?"
He paused for a long moment, before raising his head and meeting her eyes. "No, I don't."
She tilted her head to the side. "In fact, you left the CIA after Agent Bristow's apparent death, but you rejoined it following her reappearance."
"That's correct."
"So, I can assume the two are connected. That you left because of her death and came back because of her resurfacing."
Vaughn rubbed at his mouth before answering. "I left the CIA because it was too painful to be here without Sydney. Everything reminded me of her. I knew I couldn't do my job the way it should be done, so I left."
"Why did you return? Surely you must have realized what a difficult situation it would be."
Vaughn moved his left hand to the arm of the couch and gripped it tightly. "I did, but...even though our relationship isn't what it used to be, Sydney and I have a trust that allows us to do our jobs well....allows her to do her job well."
"So, you believe it helps her to have you here. That's why you came back and that's why you won't transfer."
"Sydney's been betrayed by many people in her life. She's lost a lot of people. Her success, her life, depends on working with people she trusts. I'm still one of those people for her."
"But if she asked you to transfer, you would."
He hesitated half-a-second before answering, something that did not go unnoticed by Barnett. "Yes, if that's what she wanted."
"Even though it might mean never seeing her again."
Vaughn took a deep breath and then let it out. "I'd do what's in Sydney's best interest."
Barnett sighed. "Agent Vaughn, I can't help you if you're not honest with me."
Vaughn's eyes widened in surprise, as he arched an eyebrow. "You asked to see me, Dr. Barnett. Not the other way around. I don't think I need any help, but I have been honest with you."
"Have you? Because you say everything you do is for Sydney, about Sydney. What about you? What about your feelings?"
"What about them?" he asked quietly, not exactly sure where she was going with this.
"You care deeply for Agent Bristow. You were involved in an intimate relationship with her. I think you have her best interests at heart, but it's not only about her. I don't think you can let go of her. I think you need to see her, be around her. And that's the main reason you came back, the main reason you stay."
Vaughn shook his head, but couldn't deny what she said. She waited a moment to see if he'd respond and then went on when he remained silent.
"I'd like to revisit what happened in North Korea. You said you thought about what's happened since Sydney came back. How so?"
Vaughn removed his eyes from hers. He sighed, as he realized it was time to let his guard down and be honest with her...Really honest. He needed to talk to somebody about what had happened and, at the very least, he knew she wouldn't tell anyone else what he said. Plus, he was sure to get more help and better advice than Weiss had given, with the added bonus of no wisecracks.
His voice was soft, his gaze still not meeting hers. "I thought about how much time I'd wasted. How I was given a second chance with her and I'd squandered it. I regretted never telling her how I truly felt."
Barnett nodded. "And did that lead you to do or say anything to Agent Bristow?"
"I thought we were going to die," he said, his tone bordering on defensive.
"I realize that, Agent Vaughn."
He focused his eyes on his fingers, which were now gripping the arm of the couch with such intensity that his knuckles had turned white. "I...I guess I told her that I still loved her. Not in so many words, but she understood."
"How do you know she understood?"
"Because she said she did. And then...then we kissed."
"You kissed," she repeated it as if it were the first time she was hearing this admission.
"Yes," he felt her eyes on him and slowly lifted his head to meet them. "I want you to know...to understand that I'm not the kind of man who cheats on his wife. I thought we were going to die and I just needed her to know."
"Why was that so important to you?"
He lowered his eyes again. "I know I've hurt her. I never meant to, but I have. I put doubts and questions in her head. I didn't want her to die with those. And I didn't want to die with anymore regrets."
"And now? You both survived. You're still working together. You're still married and your wife still works here. Has anything changed?"
He shook his head. "No...I mean, I don't think she doubts how I feel about her anymore, but we're still where we were before. Except...except now I guess it's even harder."
"What do you mean by that?"
He lifted his head, but kept his gaze just to the right of hers. "Before, I think she could try to convince herself that her feelings were not returned, that there was no chance for us. But now...now I've removed those doubts. We both know how we feel, but we're stuck in an impossible situation. So, we just go on, as best we can."
"I'm struck by your use of the words 'impossible situation'. This situation could be rectified. Knowing how you both feel, you could choose to end your marriage. Not that I'm a proponent of divorce, but it's certainly not uncommon in today's society. Is that not an option?"
"I made a promise to Lauren. I'm committed to our marriage."
"Yes, Agent Vaughn. I've spoken with you before; I've read everything the agency has on you. And one quality has stood out more than others: loyalty. Is that what this is about? Being loyal to your wife?"
"Like I said, I made a commitment, one I do not take lightly. I don't want to hurt my wife."
"And what about love? I haven't heard you mention love as a reason for staying in your marriage."
"I love my wife, Dr. Barnett."
"Like you love Sydney?" she asked, purposely using her first name.
Vaughn stared at her for a moment, taken aback by the question. He then lowered his head and rubbed at his eyes tiredly, his voice emerging low. "I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with the direction this conversation has taken. I've already said more than I ever meant to."
"You're welcome to leave at any time, Agent Vaughn. This was not a required session. It was not ordered by one of your superiors. I simply felt that, given recent events, you might need to talk."
He raised his head and met her eyes, but remained seated.
"Since you're still here, I'll assume you want to continue talking. So, I'll ask my question again. Do you love your wife like you love Sydney?"
He swallowed hard, suddenly aware of how dry his throat was. "What Sydney and I shared, still share, isn't like anything else I've ever experienced in my life."
"You feel a special connection to her, a special bond."
"Yes."
"Then why not end your marriage so you can be with her? Is this really just about keeping a promise? I realize you don't want to hurt your wife, but she is an intelligent woman. If you want to be with someone else, but remain in your marriage instead, then you're still hurting her. Loyalty...faithfulness isn't just about the physical. It's about the emotional, too."
Vaughn squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and let out a deep breath. When he reopened them, he focused his gaze on hers. "You want the truth? My commitment to Lauren, not wanting to hurt her, aren't the main reasons I've stayed in my marriage instead of going to Sydney. The truth is...as much as I still love her, I don't know if I'd be able to be with her again."
Barnett's brow furrowed in confusion. "I'm afraid I don't understand."
"Losing Sydney was the hardest thing I've dealt with in my adult life. It nearly killed me. I was lost without her. I don't know if I could stand opening myself up in that way, letting her in like that, only to lose her again."
Barnett raised her eyebrows, clearly not expecting this answer. "Obviously, Agent Bristow takes considerable risks in this line of work, as do you. She could die at any time, Agent Vaughn, whether or not you two are together. What's the difference?"
Vaughn waited a few moments before speaking. "The difference is that when I'm with her, she consumes me. I give all of myself. By not being with her, I'm able to hold back...not let her in as much."
"So, if she were to die, then it wouldn't hurt like it did before."
He nodded. Barnett shifted in her seat a bit, leaning forward. "Do you honestly believe that? If you truly have this connection, this bond that you speak of, then she's already a part of you. You've already given yourself to her. Do you really believe that losing her now wouldn't hurt just as much as it did before?"
Vaughn simply stared at her, pondering her words. He knew she was right. Losing her now would devastate him just like it had more than two years ago. He'd been in denial of that, using it as an excuse to stay in his marriage. It was a defense mechanism of sorts...one Barnett had just broken through.
She went on, "Have you considered that losing her now would hurt even more than before because you've spent so much time apart...wasted your second chance?"
Vaughn looked down at his hands. She was right...again. It would hurt even more. He would be filled with regrets that would overwhelm him.
She let the question hang in the air, not expecting an answer, but wanting him to mull it over. She finally spoke after a few moments of silence. "I'm willing to bet that, deep down, you already realized everything we've discussed here today. So, I guess the real question is this: What are you really afraid of? What's really stopping you from having what you want?"
Vaughn cleared his throat, realizing he couldn't do this anymore. He'd bared his soul enough for one day. Now he had to go home and think about it all.
"I...I have to go. I have a lot of work to do," he said abruptly, standing and quickly walking to the door.
Her voice stopped him. "When you can think of yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear, you are near contentment."
Vaughn slowly turned around to face her. "Who said that?"
"No one knows, but I think he or she had a point, don't you?" she replied, with a hint of a smile.
He looked at her for a long moment, before turning on his heel and leaving.
******************************THE END********************************* Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you thought :) Steph
~When you can think of yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear, you are near contentment.~ Author Unknown