Mighty Shinobi Haruno!
Summary: There are reasons why the Harunos never became a great ninja clan. Crack fic.
AN: By crack, I mean utterly pointless and stupid. If your eyes are not reduced to a gelatinous substance by the end of this, I applaud your endurance and high capacity for pain. You have been warned.
TEXT is Inner Ryo
This is the ridiculously short story about a genin by the name of Haruno Ryo, a member of the first generation of nin to inhabit the Konoha village. He was adequate in strength, above average in intelligence, and an extremely motivated young man. He had just joined his genin team for the first time, and he had actively expressed his dream of becoming a great nin.
"I'm expressing my dream of becoming a great nin! And my children will be great nin after me!" Ryo proclaimed loudly, striking a heroic pose.
"There's no way you'll have a great ninja clan." Muttered Sarutobi, one of his teammates that had oddly enough begun growing facial hair at the tender age of thirteen.
This is the ridiculously short story about how Ryo's self esteem was effectively crushed into tiny bits, and how it was predetermined that the Haruno clan will never ever become a great ninja clan. Ever.
"Why not?" Ryo demanded crossly.
"Well, for starters, look at your clan symbol-" At this, the shorter, brown haired boy gestured to the white ring on the red background of the boy's sleeve, "It looks like a target!"
Ryo's eyebrows bunched together in confusion, "Nuh uh." He supplied, desperately trying to think of a clever reason why his clan symbol looked like a target, "It's…a…" His eyes darted, searching for something to help him out, his eyes spotted an apothecary that was selling parasites for weight loss across the street, "Tapeworm!"
"Tapeworm?" The boy responded, obviously not amused.
"Yes! A tapeworm! To show that we Harunos will slowly devour our enemies!" Ryo supplied, injecting false superiority into his tone.
"That's disgusting," Sarutobi said, looking slightly green.
"Your name is Haruno?" Came the girl to his left, snorting slightly into her hand. Ryo turned to glare at her, and recognized her to be Hyuuga Hitomi. It was common knowledge that the Hyuugas were going to be one of the greatest clans in the village, and almost all of them had alliteration in their names. They were catchy, held a bounce, if you will. Years from now, a Branch member of the Hyuugas would revert to an angstful existence due to the fact that he was the only Hyuuga in the history of the ninja village to have no alliteration. It was his fate.
"What's wrong with my name!" He yelled, pointing a finger at her.
"It means field of flowers, no one's ever going to respect a clan named that." She said bluntly, throwing her arms in the air and injecting more falsetto into her voice, "Oh no, not the mighty Haruno-san! I may have an allergic reaction, and it will be mildly unpleasant!"
His mouth dropped, "It means spring! The season of TERROR!"
She rolled her eyes. "Spring is so not the season of terror."
"Well…my first name means dragon! That's terror-inspiring!"
"Uh huh. Dragon of the field of flowers."
"…I don't like you," Ryo muttered, his eyes narrowing at the insolent little girl.
HURT HER FEELINGS! Growled Inner Ryo, demanding some justice.
"I can't! Look at her! She's sadistic!" The pink haired boy shouted over his shoulder, for that was where Inner Ryo always appeared.
Sarutobi looked at Hitomi, "I told you," He whispered under his breath.
She slowly nodded, "Completely crazy."
I AM NOT CRAZY!
"I am NOT crazy!" He proclaimed.
Sarutobi crossed his arms over his chest, miraculously procuring a pipe in his mouth, "That's another reason why you'll never have a fearsome clan. I bet the crazies will run forever in your family."
THAT IS SO NOT TRUE! SHANNARO!
"He has a point, Ryo." Hitomi chimed in, shaking her head sadly, "Crazy people don't last long in the ninja world."
There was a pause as everyone reflected upon how no truly great ninja would ever be and/or become crazy. Certainly not a prodigy from a prestigious clan. Or a Kazekage.
"…Besides," Hitomi said quietly, staring at Ryo with something akin to pity, "We haven't even touched upon the worst of your problems."
"Yeah," Sarutobi mumbled, "You poor dude."
"What?" Ryo demanded, defensive.
"Your hair, Haruno-san." The Hyuuga girl said sadly.
The boy pinched a strand of pink hair between his fingers, "What's wrong with my hair?"
"It's just…not cool." Sarutobi muttered, puffing on his pipe. Because smoking was cool.
"So what?" Ryo said, his eyes narrowing.
"Nin have to be cool," Hitomi explained slowly.
"Why isn't pink hair cool?" He tried again.
"Not on a boy, man. That's just sissy," His male teammate replied, "I mean…maybe on a girl it could come off as hip or edgy, but on a guy…eish…"
Ryo felt his jaw drop, turning towards Hitomi, "You believe this too?"
She nodded solemnly.
"I could dye it!" He attempted.
They both shook their heads.
"It would just grow back," Sarutobi explained.
"Plus, we would know it was there. Waiting." Hitomi contributed.
"I…see," Ryo said, scuffing his sandaled foot on the ground, "So, since I have pink hair, I can't become a powerful ninja?"
"Only because you're a boy with pink hair, if that makes you feel any better." The facial haired thirteen year old stated.
"Not really," Ryo said sadly, "I guess…I'll just…go, then."
"That would be best," Hitomi agreed, even taking the liberty of dusting off his backpack.
Ryo lifted the bag and took two steps back towards the civilian district. He paused, looking over his shoulder, "I'm leaving." He said.
"Goodbye Haruno," Said Sarutobi.
Ryo took another step forward, "I mean it, I won't come back!"
"Okay, bye," Said Hitomi, taking great interest in a nearby twig.
"I won't return ever," The pink haired boy prodded.
"See ya," grunted Sarutobi.
Having lost, Ryo lowered his head in shame, and sauntered off into the sunset of the midmorning.
And thus Haruno Ryo, beaten into submission by sheer, harsh reality, turned in all his nin gear and decided to become an accountant. The end.
"I can't believe that worked!" Exclaimed Sarutobi once Ryo was out of earshot.
"I'm so glad it did though! That kid was way annoying." Came Hitomi.
An hour later, they would be joined by Haruno Ryo's last minute replacement, Uchiha Hiro.