Up There With Me
(BRIGHT STREAM - Mizuki Nana)
Shibuya Tomochika would question what it meant to have everything and nothing. She grew up in a city surrounded with people, colour, news, and above all - music. Growing up, she had an assorted amount of choices to make for a future career; however, being a teenager meant having her parents peaking over her shoulder.
Hence, it is why she did not inform them until after she accepted her enrolment to Saotome Academy that she wanted to be an idol. One could only imagine how chaotic the storm must have been, and how she held up then.
Who would have known?
Who would have thought?
Tomo, herself, would still wonder even when graduation was near, but her inner turmoil started to fester when her partner, Yajima Daiki, played the final revision of the song. He was not Haruka, but she felt her heart pounding faster than the piece's beats per minute. She felt her hairs on the back of her neck stand and goosebumps on her arms - over and over for what seemed like eternity.
She knew then that the song was finally ready, but she was not. When his hands left the piano keys, he turned to see her wearing an unreadable expression - which was rare from her upbeat and confident presence. Instead of letting excitement fill her spirit to the bones like she did when they first worked together, she stood frozen.
"Shibuya-san?" he spoke up, pushing his glasses back up after passionately playing the piano. "You don't like it?"
She shook herself back to her senses and said, "No, of course not. It sounds absolutely amazing!"
Yajima beamed brightly behind his glasses, relieved to hear that she loved it. "It lifted your spirits, didn't it? I noticed that you haven't been energetic lately, so I thought that maybe showing you this could cheer you up."
It was cute, she thought. "Or maybe it's because we've been swamped with preparing for Graduation. Competing with everyone in all classes to debut is so tiring, isn't it?"
"I suppose you're right, but at the same time, doesn't it make you worked up to give it all you've got? I had so many ideas while arranging this song, but since it's you, any of them could be equally amazing." For a moment, she thought she was really talking to Haruka - the way he spoke so vividly about his ideas, playing the piano with dynamic, and how the music spoke out in a loud volume.
It was like he was trying to reach his hand to hold hers, but she could not lift her own no matter how she much she wanted to.
It was thanks to both him and Haruka that she saw a bit of their world, and she can tell how much effort and love they put into each song. She watched Yajima change from an introverted quiet pianist to an energetic and cheerful musician; as well as Haruka diligently learning how to transcribe music in only a few days at the beginning of the year. One would think the idol class would have it easier than the composition class, but seeing how Haruka went through great lengths to connect with the boys, Tomo began to believe that idols should do the same for the composers.
At that moment, however, her effort to connect with Yajima once more felt unsure.
After that fateful night when Shining named their first song, Maji Love 1000%, Ittoki Otoya woke up every day already looking forward to rehearsal. Haruka had already written a second song for STARISH, and he fell asleep after singing his part to himself over and over. He came a long way from "Brand New Melody" when he felt like he ran on empty. Now, ideas would fill his mind to the brim.
He, along with Masato and Natsuki, would see Haruka and Tomo walk into the classroom together and greet them a good morning. They were like sunshine, warm and hearty, in the midst of busy times but his waving hand faltered just slightly when his gaze caught their fellow idol classmate. When they sat down, he tried to wait for her usual spunk to spice the conversation until Tsukimiya Ringo garnered their attention, and the small talk remained oddly bland.
It was not the first time either. He did not think too much of it then, but it was the small things that accumulated - Tomo spoke less and less, her smile not reaching her eyes, and disappearing every now and then by herself. It was like deja vu of when Tokiya skipped out on practice. Unlike his roommate's mysteriousness, he found her change of behaviour more concerning.
He was missing her, and he could not get her off his mind during rehearsal.
That evening, he heard the sound of a powerful voice, which he had not listened in a while, behind one of the practice room's doors. It was accompanied by simple chords on the piano, but the melody carried through like a cry. When the song ended, it started again like a broken record and the voice's quality broke more. During the third time through, it was stopped by a stumble of chords into dissonant clusters of notes followed by a distraught sigh.
What was this, he asked himself. Who, with a powerful voice, could be feeling this way when graduation was around the corner? He tried to figure it out until the door in front of him opened to reveal a bewildered Tomochika, snapping him out of his stupor.
"O-Otoya? How long have you…?" she stuttered, which he ended up doing the same.
"Eh? Oh, um, well…" he tried to form word, but ended up speaking frolicking gibberish.
"You've been listening," she said, rather than asking, but so vulnerably like how Haruka would say. That made him stop his verbal fumbling and furrow his eyebrows. She must have been practicing hard, hence her scratchy voice.
They sat outside in the pavilion near the lake after Otoya stopped at Saotome Cafe for hot milk and honey tea. He gave her one to soothe her throat before taking a sip from his own. "Are you okay?"
He tried not to sound so tentative because this was Tomo - cheerful and positive - not being quite herself. He had never seen her so driven to the point where she hit a wall. He kept his gaze steady on her side profile, hoping that she would be honest. "You don't have to tell me, but I won't tell anyone. No one else is around."
Tomo had her grip on the milk tea a bit tighter. "It was impulse that got me this far," she began. "I thought it was a calling.
"I was too afraid to tell my parents that I wanted to sing on stage, so I came here to prove that I would. We're in the idol course, which means that we all love to sing and we want to be heard - but that is only half of the journey. For a while, I felt like I was feeling my path blindly in the dark. When I heard Haruka's tunes sung by you and the others, I held onto that dream much closer to me.
"But then this graduation audition, only one of us would debut out of about one hundred. I look at you guys and Haruka as one body of a song touching hearts, and then it made me feel that it had been lacking on my part with Yajima-kun. What if I don't make the cut; what if I choke - that was all I have been thinking and I can't stop. How can I be an idol this way - I asked myself as I sang that silly song I wrote lyrics for at the top of my head!"
She stopped herself to catch her feelings, breathing in a shaky breath. "If it weren't for Haruka, I may have turned into a terrible person," she smiled wryly, but Otoya suddenly stood up.
"That's not true! If it weren't for you, we all would not be where we are now! We wouldn't be able to see our dreams so close, but because we do, we want you up there with us." He ended with a few pants like he had just ran ten miles without rest, but Tomo's glassy eyes met his bright red.
"I want you up there with us," he whispered with warmth, and the tears that she held back with all her might finally fell.
A pure white wing is searching for hope
Surpassing countless pasts
Embracing the sorrow I hid alone
I believe I can surely become as strong
As the amount of tears I've shed
Because you're here I won't look down
By Lazarus Kingsman (aka. utaprikotori or iamkisaki) for venagrey