Mackerelman Meets the Lady of the Lake

by Mikel Midnight

Mackerelman (Silver Age version of the aquatic Marvelman parody from Sea of Blue, Sky of Green) travels back to the age of Camelot to help Merlin out of a fix. Also quoth Monty Python.

PAGE ONE:

PANEL 1: SPLASH

TITLE: MACKERELMAN MEETS THE LADY OF THE LAKE

Picture shows Mackerelman swimming underwater, confronting the Lady of the Lake who is a lovely, blonde woman clad in shimmering, white robes of the purest samite ... off in the background, Merlin is trapped within a bubble of air.

CAPTION: "When young copy boy Mickey Greaves assisted Cleon of Yzdral, ruler of the last survivors of the sunken continent of Atlantis, Cleon presented him with the key harmonic which would allow him to summon all the powers of the seven seas, transforming him into the mighty MACKERELMAN."

PANEL 2 [inset, lower right]:

Mickey, accompanied by a young, dark-haired girl of about his own age, is walking through display halls. Suits of armour are certainly evident, and possibly glass cases containing swords, cups, maces, etc. He's either reading a guidebook or looking at a descriptive wall placard.

CAPTION: Mickey Greaves is attending a show at the British Museum.

MICKEY: "Look at this next section, Lizzie ... some of these are from the 6th century ... that's King Arthur's time! Can't you imagine all these suits of armor assembled at the Round Table?"

PAGE TWO:

PANEL 1:

Same camera angle as previous, but Mickey and Lizzie are either out of panel, or else in the background looking at the display cases. Behind their backs, suits of armour have started to move, descending from their platforms.

CAPTION: Unbeknownst to him, Mickey would soon be doing more than imagining!

PANEL 2:

Mickey and Lizzie are looking at a display case. Out of their line of sight, a suit of armour appears to be advancing on them.

MICKEY: "It says this sword may have belonged to a knight named Sir Percy of Scandia."

LIZZIE: "I've never heard of him. Was he one of the knights of the Round Table?"

PANEL 3:

The suit of armour smashes through the display case, clearly reaching for the sword. Mickey and Lizzie are startled, ducking.

MICKEY: "Holy Minestrone! Look out!"

LIZZIE: "Eeeee!"

PANEL 4:

Mickey and Lizzie peer around the museum room. They see that all the suits of armour have become animated and are breaking through the display cases, retrieving swords, axes, maces, shields.

MICKEY: "It looks like a riot! They're ransacking the place!"

LIZZIE: "I think there's an exit this way."

PANEL 5:

Mickey and Lizzie, standing at the exterior of the British Museum (shouldn't be difficult to find references). Other people are clearly in the process of rushing out.

LIZZIE: "We better go tell Mr. Schuyler-Miller at the Daily Clarion. He needs to get a reporter down here."

MICKEY: "I'll leave the boss to you. Someone has to stay here and keep an eye on things."

PANEL 6:

Bobbies have arrived, and Mickey is watching as they are putting up emergency barriers around the museum, and escorting people out.

BOBBIE W/ MEGAPHONE: "All right citizens, clear away, there's nothing to see out here. Everything is under control."

PANEL 7:

A bobbie has a hand on a startled-looking Mickey's shoulder.

BOBBIE: "That means you too, lad."

MICKEY: "Eep!"

PANEL 8:

The now well-armed empty suits of armour crash through the front door of the Museum. Mickey and others look startled.

CAPTION: But it's all for naught, as ...

PAGE THREE:

PANEL 1:

Close up of Mickey's face.

MICKEY: "There's nothing chivalrous about the way those empty suits are marching! I think this is something Mackerelman ought to keep an eye on! NEPTUNIUS!"

PANEL 2:

The original Marvelman comics would always have a single panel with an atomic explosion, accompanied by a THOOM. I think you ought to use that format, but with a torrential waterfall, accompanied by a WHOOSH or some similar sound effect.

PANEL 3:

Mackerelman flying through the air. Just an fyi, if you wanted to show the area where he departed from, there'd be a big pool of water where Mickey had been standing, people around having been splattered, with confused looks on their faces.

MACKERELMAN: "That little army seems to be marching somewhere, all right ... from an aerial view I can keep an eye on them and see what they're all about."

PANEL 4:

Mackerelman, from on high, spies the empty suits of armour as they approach Lake Katherine (there may be a little sign) ... and proceed to march directly into it.

MACKERELMAN: "Biggest cases of tinned fish I've ever seen."

PANEL 5:

Mackerelman diving into the water.

MACKERELMAN: "Fortunately, I'm the equal of any tin-opener!"

PANEL 6:

Mackerelman under water, still following the suits of armour, sees them marching straight into an underwater whirlpool. Because of all the muck the whirlpool is churned around, it's unclear what is happening to them afterwards.

MACKERELMAN: "And now they're all getting ground and mixed up. May as well take a look, I've always been partial to gefilte fish."

PANEL 7:

Mackerelman is falling, rather clumsily, down the center of the whirlpool. The lines indicating the waves will all have little signs pegged to them, indicating the centuries counting backwards, just like in those Silver Age DC Comics.

CAPTION: And Mackerelman finds himself sucked down into a vortex of the ages!

MACKERELMAN: "Whoah!"

PAGE FOUR:

PANEL 1:

Mackerelman sees now what the empty suits are doing. They've departing from the vortex and engaging in battle with an underwater sorceress of some kind. She is extending vines and branches from her body and frankly the empty suits are losing pretty handily.

MACKERELMAN: "It looks like the tins are getting peeled open right handily."

VOICE FROM OFF PANEL: "Mackerelman! Mackerelman!"

MACKERELMAN: "Eh?"

PANEL 2:

Mackerelman floats over to the sound of the voice, to see an old man encased in a bubble of air, in which he's hammering away with his fists ineffectually.

MACKERELMAN: "What can I do for you, sir?"

MERLIN: "It is I, Merlin. I entered the domain of Nimue the Lady of the Lake, so that she may gift the mystic sword Excalibur to Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon. But she trapped me here! I tried to summon assistance but my enchanted knights have been no use at all!"

PANEL 3:

Mackerelman is turning away, returning his attention to the battle. He's scowling and cracking his knuckles, preparing for the battle ahead.

MACKERELMAN: "Don't worry about a thing, sir. Mackerelman is here to lend a hand and ensure that history takes its natural course."

PANEL 4:

Nimue is disposing of the last of the empty suits as Mackerelman approaches.

MACKERELMAN: "Nimue! Cease this violence and free Merlin!"

PANEL 5:

Nimue turns to face Mackerelman, and you can see her readying her spells towards him.

NIMUE: "Never! Merlin promised me his eternal love, and now he is abandoning me to establish his new kingdom with Arthur! It was lies, all lies!"

MACKERELMAN: "So that's what this is all about?"

PANEL 6:

Mackerelman is besieged by vines and branches.

NIMUE: "I will see you off the way I did the rest of his defenders!"

MACKERELMAN: "Nimue, I ... urf!"

PANEL 7:

And so the mighty Mackerelman does battle with mystic forces powerful enough to trap Merlin himself.

CAPTION: And so the mighty Mackerelman does battle with mystic forces powerful enough to trap Merlin himself!

PANEL 8:

Mackerelman is making headway, fighting his way through the vines and branches, and getting closer and close to Nimue.

MACKERELMAN: "Nimue! You have to stop! None of this is necessary!"

PANEL 9:

The two are now face to face, and Mackerelman is batting away the last of the plantlife.

NIMUE: "I know you're from the future, Mackerelman! As were these suits of armor that Merlin summoned! Arthur's kingdom will last for centuries!"

MACKERELMAN: "Look closer, Nimue."

PAGE FIVE:

PANEL 1:

Mackerelman holds up one of the trashed suits of armour.

MACKERELMAN: "This armour is ancient, abandoned. Arthur's kingdom will fall after only a few years. It will live on only in legend, to inspire heroes like myself."

NIMUE: "And Merlin will return to me then?"

MACKERELMAN: "Yes. I promise."

PANEL 2:

Nimue snaps her fingers, and in the background, Merlin's cage dissipates.

NIMUE: "You shall have your years with your precious Arthur, my dearest love, and then you are mine."

MERLIN: "As you ... glub ... say, my dearest."

PANEL 3:

Nimue extends her hand through the surface of the lake and throws Excalibur towards the shore. Off in the distance, you see Arthur and his men waiting expectantly.

NIMUE: "So mote it be."

PANEL 4:

The sword lands in the beach, right in front of a pair of armoured feet.

VOICE FROM OFF PANEL: "Arthur, look! Merlin told the truth!"

PANEL 5:

A large panel, Arthur holding the sword victoriously aloft.

ARTHUR: "The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king!"

PANEL 6:

A small panel, bottom right of page, showing a close-up of Mackerelman winking at the readers.

MACKERELMAN: "Don't forget kids, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony."

END