A broken heart is a horrible thing it can kill or it can destroy.

Magnus POV.

I couldn't take my eyes off the broken form in front of me but why should i care? it was his own fault they were how they where it isn't mine i haven't done anything, but love the broken angel in front of me, I could see the tears in his eyes but that didn't make me feel anything but mad and that was the last thing I need, so I did what I thought was right I turned and walked away leaving the broken destroyed angel boy behind me as he cried over the love of his life walking out of his life forever.

--Two weeks later--

Alec POV.

It felt like everything was numb, like I couldn't feel anything that i was without feeling, that I couldn't breathe because he was somewhere in the world enjoying his life more without someone as ugly as me holding him back I wasn't messing up everything for him.He could go party and flirt with whoever,whenever and i'll admit it hurts to know he doesn't miss me.

I look at my bathrooms closed door knowing my blades were in there that i could end everything by just sliding the cold unforgiving steel across my wrists and letting my crimson blood drip down onto the icy floor but what about my family would they grieve?

more than likely not iz had simon and jace had clary,Mom and dad wouldn't even blink an eye they'd finally be rid of the disgrace of a son that deflowered himself with a downworlder, I couldn't take another second how could I? when my own mother and father would have wanted me to die instead of my little brother? it hurt but they were right it should have been me if i was a better brother he'd be okay.

I get up and walk over to my desk and sat at it pulling 8 pieces of paper and a pen and wrote

Dear Jace,

I'm so sorry for what i've put you through having someone like me as a parabatai i should have tried harder to make you find someone better, but as always i think of myself and got you stuck in a bad partnership you're a herondale you could have had anyone, but you choose to get stuck with the likes of me when we both know i'm not good for anything, I just hope that you can find some better to fight with to have your back because you should live a long amazing life without me holding you back I can't say how sorry I am that I couldn't be better I should have been and Im sorry.

With all my love Alexander Lightwood

Dear Isabelle,

I'm so sorry for not being a better big brother and not protecting you better, I wasn't there when you needed me the most it wasn't your fault that Max died, i'm so sorry i didn't stop him it was my fault that this is happening and I want you to know that I love you and that I wanted this.

With all my love your brother Alexander Lightwood

Dear Clary,

When I first met you I hated your guts, i'm better now I don't hate you I want you to live a long life with my brother Jace make him happy like I know you will, I couldn't I wasn't there like I should have, I should have been better but I wasn't, but you can fix what I broke, i'm sorry I have been a jerk the last few years but I hope you can learn to forgive me.

Yours truly Alexander Lightwood

Dear Simon,

I hated you at first for not only taking my sister but being open about what you wanted, like I could never be, I don't mean to come off like a jerk that's just how I was raised, to not depend on my emotions so I kind of destroyed them, but I take blame for how I am its not anyones fault but my own, take care of my sister and keep her safe like I never could, love her like she deserves, I hope you and her have a great live together.

Yours truly Alexander Lightwood

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry I wasn't a better son, i'm sorry I didn't become who you wanted, I wish I could have, but I couldn't live a lie I wasn't happy, i'm sorry I didn't die with max I wish every day it had been me you buried and not your son, i'm sorry I was such a bad son that I couldn't protect my little brother and sister, I wasn't good enough to call myself a Lightwood or your son I wish I could have been better for you, but I can't change who I am and what has happened, I know you won't miss me and I wouldn't want you too I don't deserve it I wasn't good enough for that I hope you can make a better life for yourself without your family name being destroyed but your gay downworlder loving son, I love you mom I won't stop never have I, I don't think I ever could stop loving you.

With all my love your son Alexander Lightwood

Dear Dad,

I can't even begin to say how sorry I am for how I turned out, I wish you could have had a better son, that max was still alive and I was the one that died that night please forgive me father, I wasn't the one you wanted, I know you have tried to love me but you couldn't it's not your fault, I don't blame you I couldn't it was my own fault that I turned out like this, i'm so sorry please forgive me I want you to know, I love you I couldn't say I didn't, it would be a lie if I did, I know you won't miss or grieve for me and that's good, I don't deserve it in the first place, just know I have loved you and that nothing in this world could change that.

With all my love your son Alexander Lightwood

Dear Magnus,

I'm so sorry I couldn't be a better boyfriend, I wish I was but I screwed up the one chance of love I got and I couldn't be more sorry, I hope you can forgive me for being so disappointing as a person I didn't deserve you and I hope you find someone better, because you deserve someone as fun and kind and sweet as you are someone that you can share the rest of your immortal life with,i'm sorry I went behind your back to camille I didn't want to hurt you I never want that, but I want you to know that I was only there to hear stories of your past because I didn't want to be some little footnote in the huge story that's your life, but I realize that I don't even deserve that I couldn't even be a good person I thought about shortening your life and even how brief that it was there it was still there and I can't say how sorry I am for doing that, i'm a horrible person and you did the right thing by breaking up with me you deserve a thousand times better than a shadowhunter like me, you should be with a downworlder that can live forever like you,I know you won't grieve for me and I don't want you too your a amazing man and anyone would be lucky to have you, I know I am that I had you for the short time I did but I couldn't help but fall madly in love with you, please don't cry I know you won't though but I will always love you Magnus Bane.

With all my love Alexander Lightwood

I finished each letter folded them and wrote the name that belonged to each on it and walked to my bed, than lined them up it, but I had one more letter to write so I went back to the desk and wrote the painfullest letter of them all that's why I saved it for last because it was so hard for me to write.

Dear Max,

I just want to tell you how sorry I am, that i couldn't save you or have been there or most importantly be a better brother to you, i'm glad you had Jace because I didn't deserve you as a brother that's for sure, I wish I could have been there for you or showed you how to fight, maybe we could have gotten closer but i'll never know because I failed as a big brother and wasn't able to protect you like I should have, it wasn't your fault this happened far from it, it was my own I destroy everything or one im around and no one deserves their lives being messed up because of me i'm so sorry maxie i want you to know if I could have I would have traded places with you in a heartbeat, but I can't no matter how much I wish it, you would have been the best one to have stayed instead of me you would have made mom and dad proud been the perfect son and shadowhunter, but I didn't do my job and now you are dead and i don't get to watch you grow i'm so sorry max please forgive me for being a bad brother and a worse shadowhunter, I want you to know I will always love you and I hope one day you'll grow to forgive me for everything.

With all my love your big brother Alexander Lightwood

I wiped the tears from my eyes as i closed the letter and wrote Max across it,I got up and put it with the others in a box under my bed underneath a loose floor board, I wiped the tears that had begun to drip down my face, I turned to the bathroom and walked in.

I grabbed the blade under my sink and dug it hard into my wrists and smiled I did the right thing by letting them live their lives in peace, I was for once being a good son,parabatai and brother, I was sure doing magnus a favor so he didn't have to see me every time they needed help, I can only hope they

Forgive me.