Author's Note: This was a drabble I came up with on a sad, sad night... I don't know why, but I actually finished it.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Death Note, nor did I do this story for any money whatsoever.
Warning: BOYxBOY LOVE... ALTHOUGH BREIF, IT IS THERE. DO NOT LIKE, DO NOT READ. :]
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Stay low
Soft, dark, and dreamless
Far beneath my nightmares and loneliness
I Hate me
For breathing without you
I don't want to feel anymore for you
Nate River was sitting quietly on the floor, picking though a rather large binder which had information on the Kira case which had been closed for a month now. Light Yagami had been shot dead on the spot by the most unlikely of people. And Tokyo was slowly rising once again in crime. Nonetheless, there were many troubling things on Near's mind. L Lawliet had passed away many months ago. A while before the Kira case was solved and closed. In fact, Near was L's successor, as you all must know. Nonetheless, after his leader's death, Near knew that he had to follow through with what L had instructed him to do. Along the way, he lost many people. Mail Jeevas and Mihael Keehl, for starters. Also known as Matt and Mello. In the end, Nate was basically left alone with all of his thoughts. Even Watari was gone, whom he had grown fond of when he was under the man's care. He was much less strict than Roger. Nate, although he didn't approve of being treated without discipline, thought of the old man as a grandfather. When Watari passed, the young male was even more keen to find this Kira, track him down, and destroy him. Not to mention that L was killed shortly after.
This was the most brutal of all Near's losses. L was his mentor. L was his light. L was his love.
Mello and Matt he could deal without. It was sad, but true. They were like his brothers. But they couldn't replace L. His L. Nate flipped a plastic page of the binder, seeing Light Yagami's autopsy for the thousandth time. After it, they showed pictures of him while living. Some which L had taken himself while watching from afar. Near bit his lip softly, trying to keep his face straight as he flipped a few more pages. They had pictures of detectives who had died on scene in a Kira blowout. They had images of Matt and Mello, along with their autopsies. And finally, near the back, there was a section dedication to L. Nate knew this well, as his fingers stalled to turn the page which would reveal the first shot of the beloved detective. He let out a shuddering sigh before gripping the page between his index finger and thumb, flipping the page. The pale boy's jaw locked at the sight of L with his sucker between his lips, sitting with his knees up to his chest in his computer chair. He was merely eyeing the camera with that deadpan stare of his. Nate gave a sad smile at the thought of L's constant deadpan look. His eyes flickered to the corner of the right page, ready to flip again, even though he knew what was to come.
Grieving for you
I'm not grieving for you
Nothing real love can't undo
And though I may have lost my way
All paths lead straight to you
"Hey, Near," Matsuda Touda's idiotic voice reached his ears, and Nate's head flicked up immediately, relived he could stall on turning the page, "I came to bring you some food. You've been in here for ten hours at the least..." He stated in only the way Matsuda could. The raven haired male brought the other a tray with a few pastries and a bowl of ramen upon it, placing it next to him on the floor.
"Thank you, Mr. Matsuda." Nate stated before raising his hand and flicking it towards the door in a shooing manner. Matsuda nodded, turning and heading for the door. Over the past couple days, the young boy had been going to the old headquarters to sit and card through the pages of his binder. Sometimes he handled it better than others. It was often that Matsuda would see him going up the stairs, or getting into the elevator. Mr. Matsu was staying at the hotel to help clean up the big mess that went down. He was there nearly twenty four seven, also cleaning out L's room, and moving his belongings to a safe storage shed until they could find a will. There were a few things that Near wished to have left behind, and Matsuda, knowing the past of the detectives obliged. He left behind L's bedding and a few of his shirts, along with the man's computer and seat. Of course, Nate knew it would be worthless, as everything was password coded. It was just nice to feel like a part of the man was still there in the room with him.
Near shook his head suddenly. He couldn't let these thoughts get in the way of leading a normal life. He couldn't grieve over L forever.
I long to be like you
Lie cold in the ground like you
He couldn't contain it though. His mind slipped into thought after thought. Why had it been L who had to die? Why was L the one who did most of the hard work with Kira, but it was Near himself who was getting the gratification? The greatest question of all, was why was it that Near was still alive, and L laid cold and rotting in a casket six feet under? It pained him. It pained him to the point that he couldn't control a small tremor of his lower lip. Nate gripped the back of the binder and slammed it shut, a loud bang echoing throughout the room. His small arms trembled as his body quaked with heavy emotion that had taken him months to even let on that it existed. The pale boy bit at his lower lip to quell his whimpers that had soon started making their way from his throat. The shoulders slumped finally, and Near's head fell to his chest in a swift motion. A motion that implied a loss of meaning. A lack of necessity to breathe any longer. Even his trembling had ceased. The breathing was shallow, as if he was having trouble remembering exactly how to breathe to begin with.
At this point, everything came crashing down on him. Everything he had lost. He had lost Matt and Mello. He had lost Watari. He had lost Whammy's. Most importantly, he had lost the reason for his body to go on any longer. Nate's curled snow white hair fell around his eyes in a cave like manner, and were he to glance up, his vision would be cut off. He now realized in his mind, that he had nothing.
Halo
Blinding wall between us
Melt away and leave us alone again
Humming, haunted somewhere out there
I believe that love can see us through in death
His money meant nothing to him. Where he lived, who he saw on the street if he went out, the cries of a hungered baby- Nothing. It all... Meant... Nothing. He knew that humanity would go on strong... Even if he wasn't there to protect it.
His eyes vaguely stared at and recognized his legs, which he had crossed, just to keep himself from remembering that he sat in a similar manner to L. Even though he had tried so hard to forget, it was little things that he saw himself doing that brought him down. He couldn't contain himself any longer. He had to do something. Something to lift up his spirits. Or something to take him down forever.
I long to be like you
Lie cold in the ground like you
There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you
I'm coming for you
Nate stood slowly and shakily. His knees knocked together for a few seconds upon becoming upright, and his head bobbed lifelessly against his chest as he took a step towards the door. A pale hand reached for the doorknob and twisted it, dragging it open. He knew his way through this room so well, that he didn't even have to look up as he made his way to L's bed. Near sat upon it, his legs hanging over the side before he laid down on his back, his hair splaying out around his head as he watched the ceiling in complete silence. The only audible thing was his heart hammering against his chest in an almost painful manner and the scattered gasp like breaths. He was breaking down. Piece by piece, he was breaking. It took him months to realize how much L Lawliet's death had affected him. And he didn't like it. He turned to lay on his side, pressing his nose into the pillow in soft memory. It smelled of strawberry shampoo, musk and sugar. Nate swallowed hard, a whimper slipping out from between barely parted lips as he reached his arms up to pull the old pillow close to his slender form.
He remained like that for about half an hour, whimpering as gentle warm tears trickled down his left cheek and over the brim of his nose. When L had died, he had promised himself he wouldn't shed any tears. The man had died serving humanity. But now, Nate was seeing the personal side. He was seeing a life without his beloved. He was seeing hell. Every second ticked by like an hour. Every minute like a day. It was as if at the moment... He was stuck between a meaningless, lifeless existence, and a meaningful living death.
Could he see his beloved after death? Was it possible?
You're not alone
No matter what they told you you're not alone
I'll be right beside you forevermore
His thoughts began to careen, back to where everything began. Back to the day L had finally understood the magnitude of his love...
//\\//\\//\\//\\Headquarters, Fifteen Months Prior//\\//\\//\\//\\
//L craned his head back to look at Near quietly with that deadpan panda stare of his. The younger boy said nothing, didn't even look at the older detective as he pieced together a puzzle. L was very much aware that the other knew he was observing him. It was something about the way he'd react after the raven haired man would look at him. Nate would almost act cautious. This worried "Number One" greatly. Most people only acted as such when they had something to hide. The albino child reached up a hand to twirl a spare lock of hair between his fingers as his face remained glued to his puzzle. He then tucked in the last little bit of cardboard and then, only then, did he looked up at L.
"What?" Nate asked, almost in a snapping tone. L merely placed his thumbnail gently between his lips in thought. He sighed gently before tilting his head back down to look at his computer. The younger male blinked, thinking that he would've made L feel the need to strike out. It was very rare that L showed such emotion. And God damn it, Near was going to get him to.
"You're just going to ignore me?" He asked quietly, almost feeling hurt.
"If you're going to snap at me for no particular reason... Yes." Lawliet said, also in a quiet tone, removing his thumb from his mouth and leaning towards his desk to grab some candy. Namely a large brightly colored sucker. Nate watched the back of his head quietly before starting to take his puzzle apart piece by piece, something he generally only did when annoyed. L heard the pieces unlock, and slowly stood before kneeling in front of Near, placing his hand over the younger boys and guiding it to put all the pieces back together. His eyes were focused on the pieces themselves, while the pale haired boy's eyes were locked on the older male in shock.
"... L?" He stated, barely over a whisper, his voice shaking with withheld emotion and fright. L never did these things... Ever.
"Don't be irritated." L responded in a firm, but loving tone. One that Near had never heard him use before. His lip quivered gently as the older detective looked up to his successor. Their eyes locked for what seemed like minutes. As each second went by, the both of them grew more intent on figuring out the other's motives. As if to decide, should I move in? Should I not? Finally, Near broke the insatiable immobility, and faintly pressed his lips against the older man's. It was as if Lawliet had been waiting for years with how he responded. His lips hungrily but gently searched those of the smaller figure as he dropped to his actual kneecaps and tugged Nate against him.
The pale haired boy shivered, never expecting his first kiss to make his heart thump as it was. Never expecting this memory to ever go wrong.//
I long to be like you, [L Desu]
Lie cold in the ground like you did
There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you
And as we lay in silent bliss
I know you remember me
I long to be like you
Lie cold in the ground like you
There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you
I'm coming for you
//\\//\\//\\//\\Back at Headquarters, Present Time//\\//\\//\\//\\
Near's small body trembled roughly, this memory and others floating through his clogged mind. His shaking hands were searching drawers, looking for the shackles that L had used with Kira in the days they were both still alive. He reached a large oak dresser, and as tears streamed down his face which he couldn't hold back. He needed to know if those shackles were in there or not, and he needed to know without struggling with every single drawer. Nate gripped either side of the dresser, and began to roughly shake it. There were a few heavy objects rustling around in it, but along with it, there was a rattling noise, like metal on wood. The boy's eyes widened before he yanked out each drawer, throwing the heavy wooden pieces to his side with loud bangs. Finally, four out of six drawers down, he found the shackles, took them and yanked the drawer out for extra measure.
Holding onto the chained restraints, he rushed, albeit stumbling to the door, locking it swiftly. He knew that the noises from the drawers would have been incredibly obvious to those on lower floors, and help would obviously be called. He knew what he had to do before help was able to get there.
Nate River grabbed a tall stool, placing it in the main foyer where there was a chandelier hanging. He maneuvered the shackles so that one cuff was slipping down the other, creating a noose-like loop. Upon finishing this task, he leapt from the stool and ran to the bedroom, again stumbling here and there. Near sorted through the shirts that were left by the late detective. He took each one in both hands, sniffing it gently, inhaling the scent of his lost one. The boy was surprised he was able to keep himself composed. He was incredibly proud that he was merely letting out choked sobs every now and again, despite the situation, which would have caused a normal person with normal emotions to break down on the cold hard ground and lose it.
Finally, he shed his shirt, exposing his pale skin for just a second before he slid one of L's oversized shirts over his head, loving the way it caressed him, and wondering if the detective had noted how amazing the cotton had felt on his own skin. If he had ever experienced such thoughts before his death.
He returned to the closet, almost ecstatic that he could smell, and almost experience the feel of L all over again. He pulled a pair of the deceased man's jeans from his closet, and replaced his own pajama bottoms with the blue denim. Nate's body shuddered with the thoughts of what was coming. He slowly made his way back to the stool, climbing upon it, and placing his fingers against the cool metal of the chain part of the hand cuffs before he slid his neck through the noose-like loop, his lower lip quivering a mile a minute. The tears flowed like a small river before, without a word, he kicked his legs, knocking the stool out from underneath him.
The suffocating feeling was unbearable. It wrapped around every inch of him as his hands shot up to grip the metal, trying with all his might to tug the chain away from his throat. His legs kicked erratically, as if begging for one more breath. His thoughts though- were tranquil. The spastic movements were a body response. In his mind, he was calm, and was awaiting that breath of light, where L would be awaiting his return. Somehow.