An: Not my characters. Thought it would be interesting to have Jane analyze things...Enjoy.
I have noticed myself fall into a sort of routine throughout the day. I open my eyes in the room in which my family was murdered for revenge, never truly rested as I never truly sleep. I have started taking my morning tea outside, staring at the ocean view without really seeing it. Some days I have this strong urge to go to that ocean and never return. Yet each day the pain of losing my wife and child drives me forward just long enough to dress and go to my work. People who are in the know say that the grief and emptiness will fade in time. Those people have never been the one who caused the deaths in the first place...all because of my greed and ego.
I technically consult on cases for a team at the California Bureau...fancy cops with some federal rights. The team I work with are nice people who seem to think I am coping with my life. Lies. Sometime the supervisor Agent Teresa Lisbon looks at me from the side as if she can see in my mind. That makes me laugh. She will never see what I truly think unless I want her to. I flash a grin and they accept it as who I am.
Sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore. I am certainly not the con artist I used to make my money on, reading people's minds, performing s ances in the dark, stealing money from people who are too gullible to believe otherwise. Red John saw through me. He, the one who took my life from me, still at large somewhere, surfacing to taunt me. He saw me for what I am. A fraud. A thief. A liar. He saw through me and stepped into my life just because he could. Then he became the thief...stealing my wife...stealing my daughter...taking the other things in my life that was true. Leaving me with nothing but emptiness where my heart used to be. Leaving me a monster who craves the blood of the one who goes by the name Red John.
The same people who claim the pain will fade also are fond of sprouting out things like 'she would want you to move on'. It amazes me the things people say when they hardly knew the person they are speaking for. I know. I did that spiel at one time. I believe differently. Perhaps it is because I had a lot to do with the death of my loves. The guilt. The pain. I didn't take the knife to my wife's throat but I may as well have. So, no, my wife would NOT want me to just move on as if nothing happened. As if all the years we were in love, we were married, we created and raised a child meant nothing more than a whisper in the wind. I want revenge for their deaths and I will have it. I might have to wait for a long time but I understand that and am willing to accept my fate. But I will not accept that fate blindly. I will find Red John. And I will kill him.
Agent Lisbon understands what I must do. She may condone it but I can see in her eyes she knows the truth behind my 'consulting' and while she will not just step aside to help my conquest she will wait until I am done and Red John can no longer haunt my waking nightmares before she places those cuffs around my wrists.
No sleep comes to me that isn't mired with visions of the things I wish I had never walked in on. My beautiful wife, my beautiful daughter, blood everywhere, the face of Red John that is his symbol, his mark, on the wall facing the door so that is the first thing seen. Later I could remember grabbing my wife, getting blood all over me, causing me to be the prime suspect. I am free though, that interview that damned my family being my alibi. I had everything I could have possibly wanted and it was stripped away in the blink of eye.
But sleep is slowly coming to me. Prescription drugs help some but the sleep I don't get on them causes my mind to function at a slower capacity and I can't have that at all. I may not be the con artist I used to be but I don't need other's confirmation of my intelligence. Strangely, on the leather couch I have claimed at the station, I have been able to get some light yet non-visionary slumber. The sound of the team- Cho, Rigsby, Van Pelt, and sometimes Lisbon- seems to lure me to doze. The fact that I am getting closer to these people with trust and friendship has made me want to step back. While I don't have the ridiculous notion that anyone around me now will have the same outcome as my family I would prefer no attachments. When my goal is completed it will make it harder to separate.
My wedding ring has become a symbol to me, as the smiling face is Red John's. I still love my wife and always will. I do not wear it for the burning sensation love is sometime compared to. To me a ring does not represent my feelings. It happens to be somewhat of a tied string, reminding me of my ultimate goal. Helping Lisbon we have captured criminals and rescued people in distress. There things are wonderful for the people it affects. I like to keep the ring on as a remembrance of the bad mixed with the good. Yes, the college grad was found unharmed in the basement of the neighborhood geek who just wanted a popular girlfriend. But that is just a stepping stone to what will really happen. Plus, it keeps interested women at bay.
Women still interest me. I still find them attractive. I am always intrigued with the ones who see the ring and still try for a pass. They have no idea I could wrap them around so much they would do anything for me. Another trick of the trade for the Mentalist. Another point for me. I know Van Pelt thinks I am desirable yet unattainable. Of course, I am not the one she truly wants. Her and Rigsby are an explosion waiting to happen. Lisbon refuses to think about it at the time being.
Lisbon. Teresa Lisbon, undisputed ruler of CBI. Minelli was more of a figurehead. Lisbon was on the immediate defense the first time I was introduced to her team. Looking back I know she wasn't as much intimidated with me as she was wary of such a loose cannon on the team she knew and controlled. Then I was smug enough to rub it in her face that I was on her team not by her choice but by friendships and rubbing elbows with the highers. She was upset because she couldn't control me. She still can't but she is slowly coming to terms with that. Lisbon has a control problem that helps her with her life. I commend her on that but it is not my way.
I sit back and watch the different players in the show around me. As much as they suck me in I am still aloof at times. Kimball Cho is Lisbon's right hand man. His demeanor is serious and his skills at interviewing is classic. He tries to say aloof as well but he is growing attached to Rigsby. His humor goes over the younger man s head but it is funny to a point. I laugh when expected.
Wayne Rigsby is the muscle of the team. Of course, that is if you can get him away from food. His intellect is wanting but he is loyal to a fault and ready to throw his weight into the fray. He seems to be the junior member even though we have recently collected a new agent.
Grace Van Pelt. Tall, beautiful, intelligent, nervous. Rookie member of Lisbon s team who tries much too hard to please her boss . Her attraction to Rigsby is interesting to say the least. Rigsby s attraction to Van Pelt is admirable and stupid. I see what they are thinking as they look to each other and then away. It is forbidden in the rule books about team members but that rule might not stop their urge to meet in a dark room. I watch them closely. A tryst would be a mistake. Careers would be ruined- Grace s at least. Not worth the pain the love that eventually would be lost.
So, I lay on my bed watching the face of Red John every night. So, I lay on the leather couch that now smells of a comforting cologne my wife had picked out for the scent. I watch the daily proceedings with slight interest, a thrill coming from each case thinking it mine be the one. One day it will be. And I will have my revenge.