One day in the Harry Potter world, Harry Potter decided that today was a pretty shit day. He had gotten detentions in every single class for not paying attention and talking with his friends about some wizard terrorist. Harry collapsed onto his seat. The class was Potions and they were making hydrochloric acid. Don't ask me why, ask J.K Rowling why people are teaching 11 year old children about herbs in a room infested with plants that strangle people harder than Darth Vader's Force Choke.
Snape went into another one of his boring drones about ingredients that have apparently never been found in any part of the world by several of the world's best explorers because they didn't practice witchcraft. The day started off well when Neville Longbottom mixed 10 kilograms of cesium and 10 liters of water together, causing an explosion that definitely didn't create concentrated dark matter. "ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" shouted Snape gleefully. "Neville!" scolded Hermione, "Stop taking Rick and Morty so seriously!" Neville did not reply, since his head had been blown off when his cauldron exploded.
Harry groaned and put his head into his hands. This day couldn't get any more boring. Snape used a butterfly knife to swiftly impale Harry's hand. "NO GROANING AT SCHOOL!" he screamed, before throwing it at Ron Weasley, who had been minding his own business but was watching '10 hours of dank memes – MLG Air horn edition ' in his erm… wizard… phone…? I honestly can't believe that this community of magical people around the world don't send text messages or emails or some kind of instant communication service. How the hell do they keep order when they just use easily intercept-able, easily tired and very slow owls to send mail?! How do the owls even know where to go if you just buy one at a store and it's never seen Africa in its entire life?
Anyway, Snape's custom made 8 inch butterfly knife cut through the air and Ron was just barely able to deflect it with his wand. The knife cut through the wood easily, causing it to break in half and cause a family of slugs to explode out of the center. "NO ILLEGALLY BREEDING SLUGS!" shrieked Snape, as the butterfly knife flew around like a boomerang and somehow made its way to his hand, flipping back into its closed position with a spectacular folding movement. "What the shit!?" Ron cried, before Harry's tired brain was able to register pain and cause him to cry out at the stab wound in his hand impaled into him roughly 40 seconds ago.
"Snape why are you doing this?" Harry shouted. "BECAUSE YOUR FATHER WAS AN ASSHOLE TO ME IN SCHOOL!" screamed Snape, waving his hands around like a demented chicken. "So you've been abusing a child with a traumatic childhood who has suffered attempted murder, the murder of his parents and verbal and physical abuse from his own Aunt and Uncle for the whole year just because his father was mean to you in school, where he was young and probably didn't understand that his bullying hurt you?" asked Hermione. Snape calmed down. He hadn't thought about that.
Just before he began to think rationally, Voldemort smashed himself through the solid brick foundation walls, attached to Professor Quirrel's head in a rather undignified way. "I'M BACK CRAPHOLES!" Voldemort shrieked, waving Professor Quirrel's wand around, "AND I'M GONNA KILL HARRY POTTER IN A REALLY UNNECESSARILY COMPLICATED PLOT THAT HAS A HIGH CHANCE OF FAILURE!" Snape threw his butterfly knife at Voldemort, severing his face from the back of Professor Quirrel's head. "SHIT!" screamed Voldemort's dismembered face.
"And now that that minor interruption has finished," droned Snape, "I want to see how your hydrochloric acid has been coming along." After he had inspected everyone's cauldron, he put them all into several flasks for safekeeping. The bell rang, and all the students ran off, in various states of shock because of what had just happened. Snape looked around, before scooping Voldemort's dismembered face and plopping it in some pickle juice for his lunch tomorrow. "Just another regular day," murmured Snape, drinking what he thought was wine from his flask. He spat it all out with a splutter when he realized it was one of the flasks of undiluted hydrochloric acid.
END!