Feel
Disclaimer: I do not own The O.C., but if I did, well, it wouldn't make sense, but it'd be spec-tacular!
A/N: This really just popped into my head. Kind of inspired by Garden State, which hasn't even come out yet, but I read in the People magazine review that the main character doesn't feel because of the medication he's been taking, and he decides to feel. Something like that. Made me sound really superficial and dumb, but I'm just being honest. Anyway, I hope you guys like it. It's sort of out of my comfort zone, I never really write stuff like this. Please review, I would really really like to know what you thought, how I could improve, etc.
It's warm. She walks out onto her balcony from her bedroom and soaks up the rays of sun. It's not really having an effect on her. She almost doesn't feel the heat. She hasn't felt anything in a long time, really.
Not since she was fourteen, to be exact. Her mother died. Julie clearly remembers crying in the bedroom, wishing they had just enough money to pay the medical bills.
It was then she knew that she never wanted to experience pain again, to feel like that again. And as her sister held her as tears went down their cheeks, she knew if she didn't want experience pain again, she couldn't care or experience love again. She just simply couldn't feel. She decided she would refuse to feel. And that she'd get out of that place. She'd go somewhere. She'd have it all.
And now she does. And she did it without feeling. She didn't love Jimmy, she didn't love Caleb, and she defenitly didn't love Luke. Well, maybe she did a little. But she treats that love like she treats her love for her daughters; she rarely acknowledges it. The difference in the way she treats that love is that with Luke, she pretends it isn't there, and with Caitlin and Marissa, she pretends it engulfs her life, while really, she tries to tame it in a corner, because then she might care too much, and if something were to happen, she would experience pain. Pretending her children are her life makes a better image. Image is what really matters now. Image and status. Not love.
She stands on the balcony for a while. She's alone. It doesn't bother her. She begins to think about feeling, and if she regrets not feeling. Jimmy was a good guy. She could've loved him.
As she looks over the seemingly perfect world of Newport, she wishes she had let herself feel. She wants to cry. She wants to laugh. She wants to hurt. She wants to feel.
She knows she's unhappy. And she can't remember when she last was actually happy.
She starts to feel the sun rays on her skin. She closes her eyes and thinks of what she had when she was in Riverside. A single tear comes down her face. She knows it's a start.
She thinks of running away one day and bringing Caitlin and Marissa. They could go to somewhere like France, or Italy. She could meet the man she dreamed of when she was younger. She could be happy.
"JuJu?"
She's brought back to reality. To the fake world she's so carefully crafted. She takes a deep breath in as another tear drops.
"Yes?"
She hears a footstep on the hard floor of the balcony.
"What are you doing?"
She lets out a little laugh, and realizes she's not really sure anymore.
"Trying to feel,"
She smiles. Another tear falls.
complete