Thank you in advance for reading.
I wrote this after finishing the Gospel of John and meditating on the exchange between Jesus and Peter. Peter has always been one of my favorite Biblical figures because of his passion, bravery and ability to learn from his mistakes. I imagine he was much like a younger brother to Jesus.
EDITED & REVISED: 4/10/16
Unbeta'd. 1, 075 words.
John chapter 21
The light of morning was new born. It winked into existence above the waters of Tiberias as they lapped and reached and foamed onto the beach. The sand was chilled and there were breezes which brought sea air; there were birds of heaven calling loudly to one another above the shore; further up there was the soft crackling of a fire and around it a company of men. One of these was Peter, who sat nearest to the flame with palms out, since his clothes were still damp and dripped onto the sand.
If he were asked to explain why he threw himself into the sea, he could not. Happiness? Impatience? Faith? To put words to the feeling in his chest seemed impossible. He had simply acted without thought. In fact, his breath still caught at the knowledge that his master, The Lord, was with them once again! Such things did not require much thought did they? Still, it seemed he was always reacting instead of thinking, and not without consequences.
A cock crowed in his mind. His chill became unshakable, and he shifted closer to the fire.
"Peter," he heard someone call to him. He looked about him and saw it was The Lord.
All the brothers gazed at Peter expectantly. The Lords expression, too, was expectant. Peter rose to his feet and went with him without word to the far side of the beach, the stares of the disciples following their backs. They likely wondered, of what could their Lord have to say to Peter?
When The Lord stopped Peter stopped up short behind him, lost to his thoughts. Earlier, he had been so eager when he recognized his Lord upon the beach that he acted a fool. But now, though he knew the Lord to be patient, his anxiety only grew. For many moments there was only the sounds of the sea.
"Simon Son of John," the Lord began. Peter opened his mouth to reply, but the Lord had not finished. "Do you have love for me?"
Peter was dumbfounded. How could he ask such a question? With his heart clenched he answered, "Yes!" like a child answering a question they do not understand.
The Lord's gaze was not on him; it was distant, thoughtful. Peter wondered, of what could he be thinking? But he smiled, evidently pleased, and walked further until they stopped beside their fishing nets. They still swelled with a great deal of fish. The Lord bent himself low to touch the netting. "More than these?" he asked.
Peter gave pause. He remembered the days and days of fishing, of gaining nothing for his toil, lowering the nets only to retrieve them empty and in need of cleaning. He remembered the feeling of awe, of unworthiness and respect as the same fish filled those barren nets to the brim, at the behest of one man. Peter had seen so many of The Lord's works like these…how could he ever return to his life before? How could he ever simply catch fish?
At length he confessed, "Lord...you know I have affection for you."
His master stood, smiling kindly. The knots in Peter's chest loosened. Touching his arm, The Lord said, "Feed my lambs." Peter nodded without quite knowing what it meant.
They continued in companionable silence. The Lord rested his hand upon Peter's shoulder as they walked. He said again, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Had he not answered well enough before? Was it a test? The answer came more firmly now, "Yes Lord! You know I have affection for you—"
"Then shepherd my little sheep."
Peter bit back his frustration. What did it mean? He could not form the question.
They stopped at the shores lining where the sand was wet and cool. The Lord stared at his hands; in turn Peter stared at The Lord. Those hands had done so many wonderful things, and would soon bring about an untold more.
Then The Lord looked at Peter. The Lord had never been a striking man; he was very ordinary by appearance. However in that moment, in his eyes, there was a severity that pinned Peter to the earth. The disciple faltered in his gaze. His heart became a stone that weighed down his limbs until he felt them dragging, tugging him out into the cold waters lapping at his feet. How could he have disowned this man? Peter despaired.
The Lord grasped him gently by the neck as if to lift him from this despair. "Simon, son of John," he said again, as a command to look up and leave his disparaging thoughts. "Do you have affection for me?"
Oh, how this grieved him. Had The Lord not believed him twice before? Yet there was no disappointment in his face. Had Peter fallen too far to ever be convincing? Yet there was no accusation in his expression! Deeper still, could The Lord not simply see into his heart?
Peter gripped the forearm of his Lord, who still held his neck fast, and said with great difficulty, "Lord..."
The Lord once again turned his attention to the sea. Peter followed his gaze without hesitation. At what did The Lord stare? What could he see, that Peter could not?
Suddenly there was the memory of a storm, and water made firm beneath his feet. There was also the feeling of sinking, but Peter did not dwell on it; he focused on that unnameable feeling in his chest, how despite fear and trembling it carried him out onto the sea with his beloved master. It swelled within him now.
Peter thought, surely then, The Lord does not doubt my answer, only asks for it to be spoken?
He turned to The Lord. "You know all things," he said with conviction. "You are aware of my affection for you!"
The Lord turned to him. "Then feed my little sheep," he replied.
Peter still did not understand. But such things did not require much thought, did they? So he held tighter to the forearm of his Lord, and The Lord responded in kind with a smile as bright as the newborn morning; there was love, and friendship, and faith in their grasp.
Peter felt like laughing. He thought in that moment he should tell Jesus that he would follow him forever. When his friend released him and walked ahead without beckoning, Peter realized he already knew.