'You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why…
You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
'Cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same'
- Keane, 'Everybody's changing'
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It didn't happen after he went back to work too early.
It wasn't because he managed to skip his counselling sessions.
It wasn't because Grissom shouted at him or because Warrick yelled.
It wasn't the fact that Brass got frustrated or that Catherine gave up.
He said he was fine and everyone believed him, why wouldn't they? He had told Catherine himself that things like that were what made a person. Nick was the guy who just seemed to get over stuff, it was like water off a ducks back. You couldn't keep him down. It's not their fault that they didn't notice he wasn't fine. Every word that came out of his smiling mouth was a lie but only he knew.
'You sure you're alright, you look pale Nick.' Catherine had put a hand on his forehead to check for his temperature, always the motherly touch.
'I'm fine, I stayed up all night watching this documentary about birds in Australia. The Animal Planet had a special about how...'He lied to her as his face lit up with false enthusiasm.
'Alright Nicky, let's try and keep the nerd talk to a minimum.' He knew Catherine would lose interest if he started to talk about birds.He laughed with her, knowing she was teasing him. He was getting good at tricking them.
He came back to work. He didn't argue with Grissom when he made him stay in the lab the first few days. Grissom said it was because of his sprained wrist but Nick suspected that Grissom was reverting back to the days when he didn't like him to work alone. He smiled and said he was fine. It was beginning to become his catchphrase. Sometimes he wouldn't be smiling, they would catch him when his mask had slipped. It happened when he would be sitting alone somewhere. Hiding alone meant that he didn't have to go to the break-room for the start of shift. He wouldn't have to talk to his friends about what they had done over the weekend. Catherine would talk about her trip to the museum with Lindsey and Greg would inform him how hot his date had been. Nick wouldn't tell them about the graze on his elbow that he got when he fell of his ladder checking if the noise he heard from the attic was real or not.
'Hey Nick... Nick... Hello anyone in there.' Warrick knocked on his skull like it was his front porch. Nick had been staring at his locker for ten minutes. He knew he was doing it but he just didn't want to look away yet.
'Sorry bro. I must have zoned out there for a minute.' Warrick didn't believe him but as long as he didn't voice his opinion it was okay.
'You coming over tonight for the game? I have a six pack with your name on it.' Warrick smiled and Nick remembered to put his mask back in place.
'Well as long as it isn't any of that horrible beer you got last time count me in.' Warrick closed his locker and headed for the break-room. Nick followed ready to face the others.
He would think of an excuse for Warrick later so he could call and cancel an hour before the game. Maybe this time it would be a last minute date, he knew he was becoming pathetic but at least he could stay at home, his walls didn't look at him like he could shatter.
He seemed to be doing that a lot, cancelling. He wouldn't go out to the local diner with them for lunch and he'd leave before they would order a pizza to celebrate a closed case. He would pretend he had to go and see Brass about something. Brass would arrive at the lab a few minutes later to questions he couldn't answer.
He could see the frustration in their eyes. He was becoming a trouble for them. They would ask him if he was okay and he would answer with the usual two words. He was so good at acting that when he would inquire as to why they had asked, they could never think of an answer. He never did anything that would give them ammunition. He hadn't shouted at someone or attacked anybody. It would have scared him had he been concerned. There were times though when he would stumble.
'Nick, this isn't like you. It's like you're not even looking for the evidence.' When Grissom didn't receive a reply he continued.
'Sara is going to take over the Donoghue case. Greg needs some help in the lab.' Nick just smiled at him and got up to leave. At least in the lab he wouldn't have to see death all day. There would be no need for small talk with the officers or witnesses. He was almost out the door when he heard his name.
'Nick. Please just say something.' Grissom looked defeated.
'I just demoted you to lab work and your face hasn't changed.' He didn't want to turn around. Maybe he could just stay with his back to Grissom so he didn't have to look into his eyes. Grissom had other plans though as he walked around to face Nick.
'You fought so hard to work solo. This should be killing you.' Grissom was right it should be and Nick wanted nothing more than to say it did. Grissom didn't know that everything lately seemed to kill him, how could he tell the difference anymore? He wanted to break down in front of Grissom and have him fix it. To have Grissom tell him that everything would be fine. He didn't though.
'I'm fine.' Nick didn't even have to think about it anymore.
'STOP... JUST... stop Nick. You can't keep saying that. I took you off the case because I wanted a reaction from you.' Grissom didn't understand that you can't get a reaction from someone that's numb. Even if you shout at them.
He missed having a best friend. It was like he was mourning something right in front of him. Things between him and Warrick changed. Nobody said anything out loud but he knew it. He cancelled too much and shut him out too many times. Warrick started watching games with Greg and Nick heard from Hodges that Warrick had invited the team around for drinks without telling him. Nick knew that before the incident it would have hurt him that. When he lay awake in bed and thought about it, deep down he could feel the hurt. They were slipping away and he wasn't doing anything about it.
'Hey.' Warrick only glanced at Nick as he grabbed his jacket out of his locker. It hadn't been such a bad day and Nick didn't feel like he had to force his smile like he usually did.
'Hey man, did you see Greg's face when Sara...'
'Actually Nick, I gotta run okay. Greg's waiting for me with those tickets.' And with that Nick was alone again, his smile fading fast. This time was different though, he felt alone.
Warrick had invited him to the game in advance weeks ago and he had declined like usual. It's not that he didn't want to go out, he did. It's just that going out at night meant coming home when it was dark out. Which meant that he couldn't be sure that his house was safe. There were too many shadows and dark places to hide.
He survived, that's what he wanted. All he ever did was survive, but that's not what makes a person. Living is what makes a person.
There was something vital that Nick never noticed. His friend's didn't give up. He never saw the worried looks passed between each other and he didn't hear the whispered conversations about how they could help. This went unnoticed.
He never opened Brass' desk drawer to find pamphlets from local psychologists and leaflets about coping with a loved one in trouble.
He never saw the silent tears in Warrick's eyes as Tina told him that his best friend would find himself again soon.
He didn't open the cards that Lindsey drew her mom to try and cheer her up.
Grissom never expressed all of his regrets with how he treated him or how he couldn't solve the most important case to them all, where the old Nick had disappeared to.
He didn't notice that Greg told less and less jokes as the weeks went on and he wasn't at the bar with Sara where she drank much more than she should have.
Maybe if it had happened quickly they would have had proof that something was wrong. They could have given him examples of his drastic behaviour, used it against him. They could have helped because it isn't natural for people to change that suddenly. Instead he just slipped away, slowly and without warning but fast enough that they couldn't catch him.
It's like when you stand on the cliffs and notice that the tide has gone out further than usual and you start to look at the ocean and notice the differences, little things you should have noticed before. You finally see the waves and you see a person standing by the shore but you don't have time to react before the water comes crashing in around them. You can only wave from a distance, never reaching them in time. All you have are regrets and the devastation left behind.
Nigel hadn't pulled the trigger that night, but Nick died anyway.
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Well… That wasn't the happiest of fics was it.. :) Hehe.. Oh well, I wanted to do a little post-Stalker piece and this just sort of jumped into my head.. I hope you enjoyed it and as always I'd love to hear what you think.. Thanks for reading.. :)