My name is Stephanie Plum and I'm a Fugitive Apprehension Agent for my sleazy cousin Vinnie's bond agency. In simple words I'm a bounty hunter. I'm on the wrong side of thirty, I'm single…sorta, and I have a family that is completely insane.
The truth of the matter is that I'm pretty much on the insane side too. Naturally I think I'm saner than my sister Valerie who has taken to calling her husband baby names, although Albert Kloughn does seem to inspire that. I'm definitely saner than Grandma Mazur. I've never taken a crowbar to funeral…just in case it was closed casket. I think I'm saner than my mother who tipples from bottles stashed all over the house and gets a bad case of panic ironing. My father ignores 357 Magnums, 6'6" tall cross dressers, and little people at the dining room table…honestly does that sound sane to you? I didn't think so. Anyway in my mind I'm the sanest of the bunch. Sadly, each of them probably feels the same way about his or her self. Sigh.
Add to my misery the fact that there are two very different men in my life. There are really three if you count Diesel and I don't. One of them wants to marry me and keep me barefoot and pregnant till I'm 50. The other one wants too… Well, I'm not sure exactly what he wants, but I'm pretty sure it would make me blush if I knew.
Oh and did I mention that I'm not a really good bounty hunter? Get it straight now…I ain't no Dog! I'm lucky. I have pretty good hunches. I know my town, especially my neighborhood. I have a decent spidey sense, but my entourage does not include highly trained apprehension agents. Instead I have a former ho named Lula who is, in her words, a large beautiful black woman, a 6'6" cross dressing rock star wanna be, occasionally I have the former big singing star Brenda (yea, that Brenda), and my Grandma.
And one more thing if I'm going to apprehend one of my felons there's a really good chance that the process will include garbage or some other form of stink, a car that is demolished in some way (and it won't necessarily be mine), a fire of some sort (it may be a car combining two things), an embarrassing anecdote or twenty that may someday make my memoir, breaking and entering (not necessarily by me…sigh), bets by the local police (including the man who wants to marry me and keep me knocked up), and the rescue of my person by one of the two men in my life usually the one who can make me blush.
Oh and I also have a crappy apartment in a building that hasn't been updated in decades inhabited by twenty senior citizens, me and my hamster Rex. A three year old child could probably pick my locks and disarm my security system. I haven't actually seen it happen, but so far anyone who has tried has been successful. I have about three pieces of furniture per room and only one television. I also have a VCR…not a DVD player. But that's okay since I only have Ghostbusters on VHS.
I also have a cookie jar that doesn't contain cookies but instead my gun. My real gun of course. I do usually have my stun gun in my purse. It's not usually charged, but hey…I'm trying. I have peanut butter, pickles, and olives in my cabinets. In my refrigerator is a six pack of beer and leftovers from dinner at my parent's house. Right now my rent is paid as well as my utilities, my credit card bill is up to date and I have fifty-seven dollars and forty-six cents in my bank account after I go to the garage today. Yea…I'm on my way to being a totally self sufficient and responsible adult. Sigh.
At the moment I do have a car. At the moment I'm not driving Uncle Sandor's bullet proof Buick. At the moment I'm driving a fairly new and in decent shape Toyota Rav4. It gets good gas mileage and in this economy it's working for me. My father isn't all that happy about it since it's not an American car, but he'll get over it.
There is one more thing that anyone who is going to be around me should know and be aware of. I attract stalkers like flowers attract bees. It's creepy. It doesn't seem as though I can go a month or two without having one on me. It's the bane of my existence. They're always breaking into my apartment and leaving me presents. They're not usually the kind of present you'd want for Christmas though. And they follow me, oh and they usually try to kill me. It's not really a good time for me and it doesn't do much for those two guys I was telling you about.
I may as well tell you about them now. You'll find out soon enough anyway. The first one is Joe Morrelli. I've known Joe all my life. He grew up in the Burg not too far from me. He's a couple of years older than I am. He's my sister Valerie's age. His entire family has a bad reputation. I don't mean mob reputation, in Trenton that's standard. No, they have the tendency to be useless, hard drinking, wife beating, non-job having fools. Joe has done better than most of his family. He's their shining star. Not only does he have a job, but he's a cop. He's a detective for the Trenton Police Department and he's pretty good at it. He's also hot in that Italian Greek God sort of way. He attracts all the single straight women in Trenton and a good deal of the married ones. He's over six feet with brown hair and brown eyes. He's chiseled. He's got a body that is to die for. And I'm not the only person in the world who thinks he may very well have the best ass in Trenton if not the world. He also taught me how to play Choo-Choo when I was in kindergarten. Oh and he took my virginity on the floor behind the counter of the Tasty Pastry when I was sixteen and scrawled it on walls all over the place. But then, I did run over him in Uncle Sandor's Buick when I was eighteen. It all evens out. We've been off and on for a while now since he became my first apprehension. Sometimes he's a good boyfriend. Sometimes he's not a good boyfriend. Lately he hasn't been so good. But that's the way it goes. Sigh.
The other guy is Ricardo Carlos Manoso otherwise known as Ranger. When I first started working for Vinnie, his number one girl Connie who is also my sister's age asked him to show me the ropes. He says he's my Professor Higgins. I'm his Eliza Doolittle. The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plains. Yea…that's about all I've learned so far and retained. Ranger got his name from the…you guessed it the Rangers. He's ex-military. I say he's ex-military, but I'm not really so sure about that. Every now and then he just disappears for a few months at a time. I think maybe ex-military may be a stretch. The thing is…Ranger is hot. I mean he's HAWT! He's over six feet with black silky hair and black eyes. Okay they're brown, but when he looks at me they're black more than brown. It makes me shiver just to think about it. He's got a body with no soft spots. I know…I've seen the whole thing and there's nothing soft about it. NOTHING! Sigh. I work for Ranger sometimes doing distraction jobs or research for various things he's got going on. I think he throws me these bones to keep me solvent. I appreciate it. Right now he's in the wind. That's Ranger speak for out of town in deep cover.
This morning when I woke up I knew that I had to get to work. I wasn't scheduled to be at Rangeman so I had to go to Vinnie's and see if there was anything for me. It meant that I could wear jeans, but it meant I'd probably have to do some serious laundry later on. But a girl has to eat and I can't mooch off my parents forever. For God's sake I'm over thirty.
The other thing is that while I do have a car, it's technically in the shop right now. That means that I have to either borrow Big Blue or depend upon the kindness of strangers. Today, I have decided on the kindness of strangers. I called Lula, who may not be my best friend but is certainly in the top five.
I took a hot shower while the coffee brewed. I pulled on jeans and a tee shirt. I wanted to wear shorts because Trenton in late May was hot and humid, but I knew if I had to apprehend someone shorts meant more cuts and scrapes. I also wanted to cut all my hair off so it wouldn't end up frizzed up all over my head, but I didn't do that either. I pulled my unruly mop of curls up on my head into a pony tail and applied a small amount of mascara to my lashes. I didn't have anyone to impress today. Joe was being an ass and Ranger was out of town.
I drank my first cup of coffee and tossed some Hamster pellets and a grape into Rex's cage. It was nice and clean in there since I'd cleaned it out the night before. I was feeling like a good hamster mommy and greeted Rex cheerfully when he raced out of his soup can and stuffed the grape in his cheek and hurried back into his soup can. Rex didn't reply to my cheerful good morning. Rex is really more the strong silent type. He's a lot like Ranger.
Lula really knows how to make an entrance. She doesn't just knock or ring the doorbell. She calls out to you while she's doing it. "Yo…white girl. Are you in there? Are you ready to go? I'm getting hungry. We need to stop by McDonalds or the Tasty Pastry or something on the way to get your car.
I sighed and opened the door with a smile that froze when I saw her in yellow spandex. "Good morning Lula."
"Are you ready to go?"
"I'm ready," I agreed and went to get my purse.
She stood in my living room frowning.
"What's wrong," I asked.
"You have a small apartment," she announced.
No shit Sherlock. "Er…yea, I know."
"But what's really wrong with it is that there's no Fung Shui."
"Fung Shui," I struggled to follow her. I could feel my eye starting to twitch.
"Right, Fung Shui," she repeated. "It's the way your crib works to make you feel good while you're in it."
"Lula, if there's a TV, a bed, a bathroom and a refrigerator I'm good," I sighed.
"Girl, we could make this place hum with Fung Shui. Well, maybe not a whole lot of Fung Shui since you got no windows in here, but it could be better."
"Well right now, I need my car," I said struggling for patience.
"Right, but we have to go to McDonalds first," she stressed to me. "I am not going to make it through this day without a couple of Egg McMuffins and some hash browns. I am not kidding about this girl."
"I know that you're not," I said grabbing my cup of coffee off the counter and following her out the door.
We went through the McDonald's drive through and Lula stocked up with enough grease and fat to make it through the day. I declined to order. I didn't even order a cinnamon bowl. That's not like me. She drove me to the garage to get my car and left.
I drove to the bonds office after a quick stop at the Tasty Pastry for a dozen donuts to bribe Connie and to eat for breakfast myself. So far I'd had two of the Boston crèmes and for some reason it wasn't sitting well in my stomach. I was almost completely awake and alert now though. I debated eating another of the Boston Crèmes, but I had not had such an easy time buttoning my jeans that morning. I told myself it was to arm me against my day if I ate another. But there was this voice in the back of my head saying 'that stuff will kill you Babe.' I growled at Ranger to get out of my head.
In spite my morning décor advice from Lula and much to my surprise considering the argument Joe and I'd had on Saturday night I was in a pretty good mood. I was in a good mood and pretty much feeling that I could conquer the world even though my jeans were too tight and my bank account was low.
When I arrived at the agency, Lula was bending over the filing cabinet in her glow in the dark yellow spandex dress that, at that very moment, didn't even cover the matching thong under it. I shuddered and put the donuts on Connie's desk. For some reason my appetite was now completely gone. The Ranger in my head had won that round.
"You're a life saver," Connie moaned biting into a crueler.
"You're welcome," I flopped onto the beat up leather sofa. "Do you have anything for me?"
"Oh my God," Lula groaned as she bit into a chocolate covered donut. "I need another two dozen of those to make it through the morning."
I laughed, "You had McDonalds."
"That mess just made me mad," she frowned. "I'm a big beautiful black woman and my man likes me round and squishy."
"Well, you may be on your own for the rest of the donuts girl. I'm poor."
"Oh hell, I know that," she said rummaging through the files on top of the filing cabinet. "You work for Vinnie, don't you?"
"I am certainly trying to," I agreed. "Well Connie, what do you have?"
"I only have one thing and you're not ready for it," she shook her head.
"Oh come on," I raised a brow.
"It's big," she said seriously. "Ranger will kill me if I give it to you."
"Ranger is in the wind," I reminded her.
She sighed, "You have a point there. Fine! The name is Manuel Forturo. He's really from Vegas. He was a drug runner out of Mexico, but now…"
"I know who he is," I blinked. "He's the head of the Forturo Crime family. He's big time."
"That man is going to boil you in oil if you give her that file," Lula warned Connie.
"He's in the wind," she shrugged. "If he was here it wouldn't be an issue, would it?"
"He's gonna be mad," she shook her head and took another donut to the filing cabinet with her. "I wouldn't like to see Batman really mad. There have to bodies out there that nobody knows about."
This was a sobering thought. Connie and I mulled it over.
"Give me the file," I put my hand out.
"Yea well, Stephanie is here and he isn't," she said lightly as she put the file in my hand. "And if we lose this money, we lose big."
"He's…he's big time crime Connie," I said thoughtfully.
"Yep," she nodded, "and he's big time bond."
"How big," I bit my lip.
"He's three million. That means if you apprehended him you'd get…"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," I swallowed.
"But…you know he's out of your league."
"You know, what could it hurt if I do some research? I'm gonna take the file. Ranger is out of town. I'll probably bring it back. But let me just look into it."
She nodded.
"What's Vinnie doing with a bond this big," I raised a brow.
"He had some pressure from DePrisi," she said softly.
"Angelo DePrisi," I blinked. DePrisi was a known mob boss. He wasn't just known in Trenton. The feds knew him.
"Yea, don't ask me why because I don't have a clue."
"Thanks Connie," I nodded and left the office heading for the library to get some information.
I spent the whole afternoon searching for information on the Forturo Crime family and for Angelo DePrisi. I was sure that there had to be a connection. But the internet turned up nothing. I was working at Rangeman the next day doing researches. I figured I'd just use the databases they had to do more research then. What could it hurt? I was just gathering information. It's not like I was going to actually do the job myself. That would be ridiculous. Yea, it would.