Lord Eru Ilúvatar, creator and master of all Eä,
Greetings.
How are my brothers and sisters? I can only imagine what their music sounds like now. They've had three ages to get even better than before. I'm afraid my own singing has become a little rusty, though you really should hear Tulkas. It's no wonder you kicked him out. I know everyone says he came of his own volition, but we all know the real reason. Good thing he didn't freak out like Melkor did when you criticized his, ahem, interesting musical tastes.
I will get to the point. And I must be blunt. Please allow this minor rant:
What is with your Children and shiny things? I mean, really. Watching them, I can't help but think there is something seriously messed up with their brains. Fairness and strength and really good voices aside, they are one crazy crew. Everything with them is SHINY THINGS. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it's shiny: hair, jewels, rings, eyes, swords, water – literally anything shiny. Most of the time, this is okay, but at other times, well, um . . .
Let's just things haven't been the hottest down here on Arda. Nope. And I thought being the High King of Everything was a privilege. Do you realize how many angry elves I've had to placate over the years? And don't even get me started on poor Námo. He's had to deal with everything from bloodthirsty, half-mad oath-takers to the most beautiful of your creations breaking down in tears in front of him. That's rough. And then there's the "special exceptions" who are rampaging all over Valinor, with their second breakfasts and what-not. And have you any idea how many rebellions I have had to diffuse simply because that happy-go-lucky elf prince decided to bring his best friend, who happens to be a DWARF, to Valinor? Even Melian – MELIAN – was up in arms against me.
And why? Why is everything falling apart at the seams around here?
Because you had to go ahead and give your Children an insatiable craze for SHINY THINGS. You know, we could all be living quite peaceful and boring lives here in Valinor if it weren't for glowing jewels and rings and hair – HAIR – of all things. Okay, maybe we still would have had some troubles with Melkor. (And by the way, it was Námo's fault that I let him go; he should have said something! I know, he doesn't say anything unless I tell him to, but how was I supposed to know the fate of Arda hung in the balance? That's what Námo's freaking there for – he's the one with foresight, not me!)
But if Fëanor hadn't been so obsessed with making shiny things, Melkor wouldn't have ticked off the worst possible person in the history of Arda to tick off. And if Celebrimbor hadn't been so freakin' obsessed with making shiny things, Sauron probably would have figured out some other and less creative and more obvious way to harness his power and wouldn't have exploited poor Celebrimbor and just maybe Háma would be with us today.
Anyway, no thanks to you, we somehow got out of both those messes and Arda is still miraculously intact now that we have entered the Fourth Age. Oh, yes, there were causalities, but nothing major. Nothing important. Only MORE THAN HALF THE FREAKING POPULATION OF BELERIAND DURING THE FIRST AGE. And HÁMA! He was my favorite! And what about my sanity? Nothing major, oh no. And the trauma? I still have nightmares about it. Do you know how often I dream of Túrin? That dude is scary. He has a really creepy smile that makes your gut twist and makes you feel guilty for having a soul. And Fëanor? I can't even think about him without "Everlasting Darkness" and "woe until world's end" and that horrible look he gave me when I was judging him flashing through my mind. Being High King of Everything really needs more perks. It's just not worth all the trauma I'm put through.
All that being said, please forgive my rudeness, but I have been storing this up for THREE FREAKING AGES and I am done. I don't care that Melkor is back in chains and Sauron got obliterated. But I am DONE with your Children and their fascination with shiny things. I request that someone take over the High Kingship of Everything for me. I'm thinking, oh, I don't know, maybe Námo because he actually knows everything and doesn't have to wait for someone to tell him to speak even when the fate of literally everything is hanging in the freaking balance.
Send my regards to my brothers and sisters.
Yours humbly,
High King of Everything Manwë
I have nothing to say except that Háma is not in the list of Lord of the Rings characters, and both Manwë and I are very disappointed.