I don't own either "South Park", "House" or "You Rang, M'lord?", but I'm sure you already know that.
This story is set at the end of the 7th season, right after another SPA fic called "Fiona". It includes an OC which was pretty boring in the last story, so I had to flesh out her personality a little bit in this one. I hope you like it. Please review, even if you don't because I'd like to know what I have done wrong with it.
[NOTE]: I moved the story from episode 718 to the end of the 8th season (ep 815), because the ending was somewhat juxtaposing the canon events... I have another story in mind that might fill the other spot, so Fiona has to wait a bit until she gets her second big role in this series ^^
The story is written in the form of a script, to maintain the similarity to the original show. Kenny's lines are between brackets to indicate that they are muffled. Cartman's tendency to say "kewl" instead of "cool" is also maintained. I've decided to give Fiona a stronger Scottish accent (for example, she says "bluid" instead of "blood" or "thare" instead of "there"), so if it is difficult to read, please inform me.
Also, I hope that will someday realise that script format fanfiction can also contain a good story, sometimes even better than others. Since I haven't got deleted yet, I hereby thank this site for understanding that format isn't the synonym of quality.
[The opening sequence – the one from the 8th season. The music plays the third, country style title theme]
Les Claypool: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.
Kyle + Stan: Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation!
Les Claypool: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.
Cartman: Ample Parking Day or Night, people spouting, "Howdy, Neighbor"!
Les Claypool: I'm headin' down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.
Butters: Loo, loo, loo, I've got some apples, loo, loo, loo, you've got some too!
Les Claypool: So come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine.
SOUTH PARK AARGH: Episode 815/ #02 – Bloody Kleptomania
[The boys minus Cartman plus Fiona are watching TV in the Marshes' living room. Stan and Kyle are sitting on the couch while Fiona and Kenny are lying on the floor. Cartman comes in through the front door. He sees Fiona and glares at her]
CARTMAN: Aw, God! Seriously, you guys? That red chick is still hanging around with us? Stan, you're gonna let that Scotch thief steal what she wants?
FIONA: Piss off, Cartman! Stan invited me 'ere!
STAN: Because Kyle made me, though…
KYLE: You weren't supposed to say it!
CARTMAN: Whatevah… What are you fags watching?
STAN: They cancelled "Terrance and Phillip" today, so we're watching some new medical show.
CARTMAN: Oh, that show about lesbians? I've already seen it.
KYLE: [frowns] Medical shows are about doctors, Cartman, not lesbians!
CARTMAN: What now, Kahl, do you have something against lesbians? Can't lesbians be doctors?
KYLE: What? Cartman, you fat idiot, I'm just saying there aren't any lesbians in this show! You're always the homophobe, not me!
CARTMAN: The only reason why you might hate lesbians is that you're gay, or a chick! Are you a fag, Kahl?
KYLE: What? Gay people don't have anything against lesbians!
CARTMAN: How do you know? Are you gay?
KYLE: No!
CARTMAN: Are you a lesbian, then?
KYLE: Goddamnit, Cartman!
FIONA: Shut up, fatarse, that's just gettin' ridiculous!
KENNY: (Hey, the show's starting!)
[Kyle and Cartman stop quarrelling and look at the TV again. Eric sits down on the couch beside Kyle]
[the scene changes to a parody of "House" television show's opening intro. Then, we see a full view of the Marshes' residence while a sign saying "10 MINUTES LATER" appears – firstly, because the planned scene didn't have anything to do with the plot, and secondly, because the author is being lazy]
[back to the Marshes' living room]
KYLE: See, Cartman? That's ten minutes of the show and still no lesbians!
CARTMAN: Lesbians? Who the fuck was talking about lesbians…
KYLE: Aaaargh! [closes his eyes in a rage]
FIONA: Shut up, both of you! I'm tryin' to listen!
CARTMAN: You shut up, lesbian!
STAN: Will somebody please shut him up?
[back to the show, in the Plinceton Prainsbolo hospital, the patient is resting in his room. Two doctors, an Australian and a black one come inside]
CHASEBERG: 'Ello, mate! You feelin' be'er?
PATIENT: I guess I'm fine. When am I going to come out?
CHASEBERG: 'm afraid we can't let ya out f'ra while. We still 'ave fifteen minutes till the end of the show, so you 'ave to get worse.
FOREBERG: Aren't you bleeding from your ear?
PATIENT: What? Aaaah! [a stream of blood flows out of his ear]
[meanwhile, back in Stan's living room]
CARTMAN: Whoa, keewl!
KENNY: Mfff! [pulls his parka's strings, frightened]
CARTMAN: Meh, you're a pussy, Kenny… Hey, check this out! Kenny's mom's so poor she can't afford to lose blood! Hahahah!
KENNY: [stands up and hits Cartman in the face] (Shut the fuck up, fatass! It's not funny!)
CARTMAN: [starts to cry] Waaaah! Mooooooom! MEEEEEEEEEEEEHM!
KYLE: Who's the pussy now, fat boy? [rolls his eyes]
FIONA: The funny thing is that you can actually make money on losing bluid, ya know? Thare are those buildings called bluid banks, you can sell your bluid in 'em.
KENNY: (Blood banks?)
FIONA: Aye, I heard back in Scotland that ye can make some quick money on that.
CARTMAN: [having an epiphany] Oh my God, you guys! You're not gonna believe what I just came up with!
STAN: I don't like the sound of that…
CARTMAN: You're not gonna believe it, you guys! We'll be fuckin' rich!
KYLE: What is it, fatass? [frowns impatiently]
CARTMAN: Feehna, you've given me a great idea! I should've expected, you Scotsmen have a nose for money!
KYLE: Goddamnit, Cartman, cut the crap and talk!
CARTMAN: Okay, listen! We're gonna become… a blood banking business.
STAN: …Uh-uh… [looks away, uninterested]
CARTMAN: Nah, I'm seriously! We might not get much money if we donate blood ourselves, but if we sell it with interest…
KENNY: (Interest?)
CARTMAN: Yeah, you know, I heard it tastes better when it gets older…
FIONA: That's wine, you bleedin' idiot! You don't drink bluid!
CARTMAN: You don't? Who cares, blood, wine, same thing!
FIONA: Besides, you don't get money for taking blood! It's voluntary work!
CARTMAN: What? Nuh-uh!
KYLE: Yeah-uh! It's done in the hospital!
CARTMAN: Oh yeah? Well I don't believe you guys and I'm gonna check it out myself! Screw you guys - I'm going home!
FIONA: [after a moment of silence] You mean to the hospital?
CARTMAN: [after a moment of silence] …Fuck you, bitch!
[Cartman leaves, children go back and sit on the sofa]
STAN: Screw him, let's get back to the TV…
[Hell's Pass Hospital. Cartman is sitting on the other side of Doctor Gouache's desk]
CARTMAN: [angrily] As a representative of all children in South Park I want to express my protest against this chauvinistic bureaucracy! What do you mean you can't give blood unless you're eighteen?
DOCTOR: Well… [unsure] I'm sorry if I offended you, Eric, but rules are rules. It's against the law to take blood from a minor.
CARTMAN: But won't the patients die if they don't get enough blood? And isn't it bad for business?
DOCTOR: The blood bank is getting money straight from the ministry, Eric. We don't get money from the patients. So you see, we can't , and don't have to, take blood from you.
CARTMAN: [to himself] That son of a bitch… [to Doctor Gouache] But what about other people's blood? Can I turn that in?
DOCTOR: No, you still have to be an adult to do it.
CARTMAN: I see… [wearing a cunning smile]
[Cartman's residence. Liane is washing the dishes in the kitchen. Eric approaches her from behind]
CARTMAN: Mooooooooom? [in his "sweet" voice] Can you drive me to the hospital and donate the blood I took from Butters so we can get tons of caaaaaash?
[Liane opens her mouth in shock, but says nothing]
[Back in Stan's house, the boys still watch the medical show. Fiona's not present]
HAUSBERG'S VOICE: I need a consult.
WILSONBERG'S VOICE: Why are you in my office?
STAN: [sighs] Ugh… This season sucks ass. Why would we want to watch another show about a cynic and his righteous, Jewish best friend?
[There is a moment of silence. Then, Stan and Kyle realize something, look at each other, and then at the TV again]
KENNY: (Where's Fiona?)
KYLE: Yeah, what's going on? She's been in the bathroom for ages!
FIONA: I'm 'ere, lads!
[Fiona comes down the stairs. She is clearly hiding some things under her jacket. We can't see what, but she has definitely stolen something]
FIONA: I've got to get home or me dad's gonna yell at me. Bye, then! [she tries to go outside, but Kyle blocks her way]
KYLE: Wait, wait, wait! What have you got in your pockets?
FIONA: Pockets? What pockets? Oh, THESE! Nothing, it's just… my stuff, ye know.
STAN: What stuff? I didn't see you bringing anything.
FIONA: Uh… Sort of…
KYLE: Take off your jacket!
FIONA: What?
KENNY: (Better take everything off! Woo-hoo!)
FIONA: You're such a pervert, Kenny…
KYLE: I've had enough of this! [takes her jacket off by force while Kenny holds her down]
FIONA: Hey, what are you doin', you sick bastards?
[Some wallets, Stan's toys and other things fall out of Fiona's jacket]
STAN: Hey, that's my stuff! What the hell was it doing in your jacket?
FIONA: Why are you groping me, Kyle? That's sexual harassment! I could sue you, ye know?
KYLE: I wasn't groping you, I was just taking off your jacket!
FIONA: Then you were undressing me! That doesn't make it any better!
KYLE: [angrily] Goddamnit, I was just taking it off so we could see what you have stolen! Stop pretending it has anything to do with sexual harassment!
STAN: Look, Fione, you can't keep stealing our stuff if you want to be our friend. Look at Kenny! He's poor, but he doesn't steal!
KENNY: (Hey, fuck you, Stan!)
[Sharon enters from the kitchen]
SHARON: What is this shouting about, Stanley? My goodness, look at the mess you've made! [frowning] What's my golden pen doing here?
STAN: It's nothing, mom, Fiona's just tried to steal it.
SHARON: WhatwhatWHAAAT?
KYLE: [whispers to Stan] Dude, your mom spends too much time with mine…
FIONA: Wait a minute! I can explain everything!
STAN: You can? [he frowns]
FIONA: Aye! You see, I did it, but it's nae entirely my fault. Ye see, I'm addicted to stealing. I'm… a kleptomaniac.
KENNY: (A what?)
SHARON: Oh… [stops frowning] I see… [unsure] Well, then I'm sorry for my son's behavior, Fiona. You can keep the pen and all.
STAN: What, but mom, she…
SHARON: Don't shout at your little friend, Stanley! She's very sick, for God's sake! Show some sympathy! [Sharon leaves the living room. Fiona leaves the house]
STAN: What the hell just happened?
[The news sign. Next, the announcer reading the news, Tom Pussilicker appears]
TOM: More and more people are growing concerned about the so-called "Crime Diseases", or illnesses which cause other people to commit crimes. Kleptomaniacs and other sick perverts unite to tell people how badly treated they are. Talking with them will be a man with a tape recorder up his nose.
[the scene cuts to an ordinary American household with a middle-aged marriage of kleptomaniacs sitting on a sofa and an ordinary looking journalist beside them. Instead of speaking, the journalist picks his nose and turns on a recording of his voice]
JOURNALIST'S RECORDING: Thank you, Tom. Mr. and Mrs. Git, you're both kleptomaniacs, aren't you?
GIT: That's right, yes.
RECORDING: When did you and your wife meet each other?
GIT: Well, it's our disease that brought us together, actually. We met on our rehab in Boston, actually. Those days, the doctors tried to make us think that we need to be treated, actually, but actually, now we realize that kleptomania has become a part of our personality, actually.
RECORDING: And how long have you been compulsively stealing, Mrs. Git?
MRS. GIT: Oh, ever since I was a toddler. We used to have a lot of fun until I took an arrow to the knee… That security system was really tricky.
GIT: You know, people think we're blessed with such a disease and that we can steal with clear conscience, actually. But the truth is, actually, that it actually has a lot of setbacks.
MRS. GIT: Oh, yes, especially in the social life! We never got invited anywhere after that incident with the silver fish knives!
GIT: And they never used them, actually! They were vegetarians…
RECORDING: And you expect the new bill to change your social life?
GIT: We actually do hope so, actually, actually, actually.
RECORDING: Thank you, actually. Back to you, Tom.
[the scene changes back to the studio]
TOM: The new bill is the "Crime Diseases Right Act", proposed by a 9-year-old girl, Fiona McTeagle, who also happens to be a kleptomaniac. After she was falsely accused of stealing by Richard Adler, other kleptomaniacs came to the rescue, outraged.
[the scene cuts to Stan, Kyle and Kenny watching TV, open-mouthed (except Kenny, whose mouth we can't see, of course)]
KYLE: What?
STAN: Fione did that?
[back to the studio]
TOM: Apparently, the victims of crime diseases will have the freedom to do whatever their illnesses tell them to and even insulting those goddamn pricks is against the law… [a policeman comes into the studio and arrests Tom] Oh, goddamnit, I said it, didn't I?
[back to Stan's living room]
STAN: Dude… She's doing it again… She's stealing and getting away with it…
KYLE: It's just wrong! She's just using this kleptomania thing as a scapegoat, not because she's really sick!
KENNY: [to Kyle] (What're you gonna do?)
KYLE: Me?
STAN: Dude, you're the one who made friends with her.
KYLE: You're right, I guess… I'll talk to her tomorrow morning.
[The 4th grade's classroom]
MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, let's take our seats… [the children sit down] Now we get to work, I have received a word from the counselor. Apparently, one of our students has been diagnosed with kleptomania. Which one of you little turds is it? [Fiona raises her hand, smiling] Okay, so it's Fiona. I have to warn you that if you prevent Fiona from stealing or insult her in any way, you might be taken in by the Interpol.
[Cartman mumbles something to himself]
GARRISON: Eric, what the hell are you doing?
CARTMAN: I'm counting how much money I'll make if I get 15 tons of blood.
GARRISON: [stares at him, blank-faced, then decides to ignore him] Okay, let's say I haven't heard it…
PIP: I say, the Interpol? Isn't that a bit over-the-top?
CLYDE: Yeah, how come those jerks get such special treatment?
[Suddenly, the Interpol bursts into the classroom, breaking all the windows]
STAN: Jesus Christ!
INTERPOL MAN: Okay, let's go, grab him!
[They grab Clyde and fly out in a helicopter, leaving the class open-mouthed]
STAN: Dude, what the fuck?
KYLE: [to Mr. Garrison] You can't be serious! They can't kidnap people like that!
GARRISON: What, you think it's my fault?
ESTHER: Yeah, but just because he called them "jerks"?
[The Interpol people burst in again and abduct Esther]
ESTHER: No, no, no, I was just quoting Clyde, damnit!
[They leave again]
KENNY: (Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here…)
WENDY: This is just getting ridiculous!
TIMMY: Timmah!
[The Interpol situation happens again, this time with Timmy taken away]
BEBE: Does "timmah" act as an insult?
[The Interpol bursts in again and grabs Bebe]
CRAIG: Apparently.
KYLE: Oh, come on!
Finally, I managed to upload this. I wrote this in my notebook a long time ago, but it took a long time for me to write this on my computer... Next week, next chapter... Probably.
Wensleydale