Reborn
A House of Night Parody
Chapter One
Heath's Mom
Bertha Luck stared out the window of her home. Rain was streaming down the window, partially making her tiny backyard blurry. The backyard – Heath's backyard. Heath's old backyard.
Bertha felt the tears run down her cheeks. It had been about a month since Kalona had ended Heath's life. Heath had only been eighteen.
Regret filled Bertha. Why had she let him go to Italy with Zoey? Zoey! It was her fault Heath was dead. Ever since Zoey became a vampyre fledgling, she had put Heath in danger many times, not to mention all the times she hurt him.
Heath would have gone to the University of Tulsa, and he would've become a firefighter or police officer. He would have found a wife and had kids and saved lives. Bertha was proud of Heath – he had risked his life for Zoey. But the pain from her son's death took over and she sobbed. Again.
Hours passed and Bertha found herself in darkness, still staring out the window. She walked over to the table where a big, purple candle stood. Purple had been Heath's favourite colour – he had a purple raincoat when he was a boy. She ignored the fact that Zoey's strongest affinity, spirit, was also represented by purple.
Bertha lit the candle and put her palms together. "Lord, I'd like to thank you for blessing me with Heath. He was the best son I could've ever gotten. Please take care of him for me. Amen." She paused, and then added "And help me get revenge on Zoey and destroy that fucking bitch. Amen… again."
Just then, Arnold, Bertha's husband came in. "Why the hell is it dark in here?" He flicked on the lights. "Jesus Christ, Bertha, you didn't start dinner yet? I need some food! You know how long I worked today? Twelve fucking hours, unlike you and your lazy, unemployed ass!"
Bertha flinched. Arnold always had angry outbursts. Bertha would've left him, but Heath's death made her never want to be alone. But could being alone be any worse than being abused by Arnold?
"I'll start dinner right away, dear," Bertha said, hurrying to the kitchen. She briefly heard Arnold mutter something about her being a fatass.
While cooking, Bertha thought about her plans to destroy Zoey. Surely the Lord would help her. After all, Zoey believed in that stupid goddess Nyx. And the People of Faith had declared her a sinner.
Now, how to kill Zoey. A trap, maybe. Get her away from her circle and warriors. But how? And what about the vision girl, Aphrodite? Would she know Bertha was coming and warn Zoey?
Just then, the doorbell rang. "Bertha!" Arnold yelled from his recliner. "Go get the door!"
Bertha hurried to the door. She fixed her hair in the nearby mirror, which didn't help because it still looked awful. She sighed and opened the door.
"Hello, Mrs. Luck," said a woman with auburn hair. She was wearing a black dress. "I am Neferet, High Priestess of the Tulsa House of Night."
"The House of Night?" Bertha asked in disbelief. "Are you here to mark me?"
Neferet laughed for about five minutes. "Are you kidding? NO! We only mark teenagers, dumbass."
"Oh. What do you want then?"
"It has come to my attention that you want to kill Zoey Redbird," Neferet said.
Bertha gasped. "How did you find out? Please don't kill me!"
"I have my sources," Neferet said quickly. "And I won't kill you. In fact, I want you to help me kill Zoey."
"You hate Zoey too? Why haven't you killed her yet?"
"I've been trying to for, like, seven books," Neferet snapped. "Now are you going to help me or what?"
"Yes! But what about my husband?" Bertha turned to where Arnold was watching The Big Comfy Couch.
Neferet looked at him, pulled a gun out of her pocket and shot. It merely got sucked into Arnold's fat. Neferet ran up to him and shot him about ten times while yelling "Die, bitch, die!" Finally, Arnold died.
Neferet looked up to see Bertha's shocked face. "Oh, I forgot to ask if you still loved him."
Bertha shook her head. "No. I don't love him."
"It's funny how your teenage son found the girl of his dreams and you were stuck with this asshole."
"How is that funny?" Bertha shrieked.
"From your point of view it isn't," Neferet muttered. "From mine, it's hilarious." She laughed.
Bertha rolled her eyes. "So are we gonna kill Zoey or what?"
"Whoa, calm down. Obviously it's not that easy. I mean, I would've killed her by now but…"
"…She's the main character and can't die?" Bertha finished for her.
"Exactly!"
"So what makes you think we can kill her now?"
"Obviously we can't," Neferet said. "But there needs to be another book, so here we are."
Bertha shook her head. "Let's go." She followed Neferet out to the white bull that was freezing her lawn.
"My Consort, meet Bertha Luck," Neferet said to the bull. "She's Heath, Zoey's old consort's mother. She's going to help us kill Zoey." Neferet climbed onto the bull's back and motioned for Bertha to come on.
I don't think I can carry that, the bull said.
So for the fifty miles to the House of Night, Neferet sexually straddled the bull while Bertha jogged beside them.
When they got there, Bertha collapsed on the ground and tried to catch her breath for about half an hour. Neferet grinded on the bull.
Bertha finally caught her breath and looked up to see the House of Night covered in sticky strands of darkness. "What the hell?"
Neferet threw some darkness strands on Bertha. Bertha cried out as the darkness strangled her. "Shut up!" Neferet yelled. "I just need to make sure you are true to Darkness and do not convert to Light."
The last thing Bertha saw was Heath in the sky, looking at her in horror.
Chapter Two
Rephaim
Rephaim played with Stevie Rae's hair as she did his sociology homework. Everything about Stevie Rae's blonde curls drove him crazy. Slowly, he lowered his mouth onto one of the curls. Stevie Rae whipped her hair away from him. "What the hell, Rephaim?"
"I love your hair!" he yelled, putting his hands in her hair. He moaned.
"I can't wait until you're a bird," Stevie Rae muttered. "I'm going to Damien's room." She left their room.
Rephaim sighed. He wished he wasn't so creepy. But didn't Stevie Rae love him for him? She seemed less into him ever since he became a human. What, did the feathers and beak turn her on? Rephaim realized how creepy that sounded and slapped himself as a punishment. Did normal people slap themselves?
Rephaim left the room and walked around the tunnels. Most people gave him a dirty look as he walked past their room. The only person that didn't was Kramisha. Rephaim walked into her room.
"Merry meet, Kramisha," he said.
Kramisha looked at him. "Bird Boy, what is you doin' in my room? Can't ya see I is busy writin' a poem?"
"May I see what you wrote?" Rephaim asked.
Kramisha sighed. "Fine, but I'ma warn ya, it's real hard to understand."
Heath's mom is evil
She is on Neferet's side
She will kill Zoey
"What could this mean?" cried Rephaim.
"I dunno," Kramisha said. "We'll hafta have a group meetin'. I hope Zoey can translate it. I gotta feelin' it's about her."
Rephaim looked at her. "How are your poems so miraculous when your grammar is so abhorrent?"
"Speak ENGLISH!" Kramisha yelled. "I got no idea whatcha just said."
Rephaim shook his head and left. Why would Nyx give Kramisha such a great gift when she clearly wasn't capable of it? Rephaim wondered if he had a gift. Oh, right! He could turn into a bird! Still, it wasn't as cool as being able to make it windy outside.
Rephaim went back to his and Stevie Rae's room. Stevie Rae was there, talking to her mom on the phone. Rephaim wanted to meet her mom. He wanted to eat cookies and listen to country music and play with hair.
"Rephaim," Stevie Rae whispered, motioning for him to come to her. He sat on their bed with her and tried to hear what her mom was saying. That reminded him – he should call Kalona soon. Rephaim wanted Stevie Rae to spend time with Kalona and realize he wasn't as bad as Zoey made him out to be.
"Alright. Bye, Mama," Stevie Rae said into the phone. She hung up and held the phone out to Rephaim. "You wanna talk to your daddy?"
"My father's not on the phone," Rephaim said.
"O-kay," Stevie Rae mumbled. She and Rephaim sat in awkward silence.
"Do you want to make lo…"
"No," Stevie Rae cut him off. "Jeez. I guess Nyx wasn't kidding when she said she'd make you a regular guy."
"Do you still love me?" Rephaim asked.
"Are you kidding? Yes! I'm just so freakin' stressed. We have Neferet right here and we're not attacking. I don't think Z's being a real good High Priestess."
"Technically you are the High Priestess," Rephaim pointed out. "You could start the fight."
"Z wouldn't listen to me." She sighed. "And without Z, we wouldn't have Stark, Darius or the circle. All we'd have is my earth affinity, your bird-ness and the red fledglings' memory erasing."
"My father could help us," Rephaim whispered. "And he could get into Stark's body and convince Zoey."
"Whoa! Kalona can get into Stark's body? Does that mean Kalona's been doing it with Z?"
"Well, duh," Rephaim said.
Just then, Damien ran into the room. "Hey bitches! Like, Aphrodite is, like, having a vision. And Janet got kicked off America's Next Top Model. Waaaah."
"Is Aphrodite okay?" Stevie Rae asked.
"You should be asking if I'm okay. MY BOYFRIEND IS DEAD!" Damien fake-cried.
"Is Zoey there?" Stevie Rae asked, ignoring Damien's outburst.
"Holy shit! Does Zoey have to be mentioned on, like, every page? Last time I recalled, it's called the House of Night series, not the Zoey Redbird series."
"I thought gays were supposed to be nice," Stevie Rae mumbled.
"Come on, bitches!" Damien yelled, pulling them out of the room.
Chapter Three
Bertha
Bertha sat in Neferet's room, waiting as Neferet was finding blue makeup to paint on her face. Bertha was going to pose as the new martial arts teacher, Professor Ima Notevila.
"What design do you want?" Neferet asked, coming with the makeup.
"Flowers!" Bertha exclaimed.
"The bottom of a shoe? Okay!"
Neferet drew a crappy drawing of a bottom of a shoe on Bertha's face. When she was done, Bertha looked like a piece of shit. Neferet was overjoyed.
"So, you have to make sure you don't give away your identity," Neferet said. "Even though most people won't be able to figure out you're Bertha Luck. There are tons of fat people in America."
"I'm not fat, I'm chunky," Bertha retorted.
Neferet had a laughing spaz. "You're so fat that when you clicked up on the elevator, it went down."
"That only happened once!" Bertha yelled.
"Don't talk back to me, human!" Neferet screamed, throwing a strand of darkness around Bertha's neck.
Bertha stepped back and desperately tried to get the darkness off of her. She kept stepping back until she fell down a humorously convenient staircase.
Bertha screamed and landed flat on the ground, causing it to shake. The darkness flew off her neck and disappeared. Bertha groaned.
"Are you okay?" asked a guy with black hair and blue eyes, that just so happened to be there.
"Superman?" she said.
He laughed. "No. Erik Night, drama professor."
"Ima Notevila. Martial arts professor."
Erik smiled. "Ima Notevila. Nice name."
"Thank you." Bertha then realized she was still lying on the ground, so she tried to roll off her back like an awkward turtle. After ten minutes of watching her do that, Erik said "Uh… do you need help?"
"No, no, I'm fine," Bertha assured him. She continued to roll around.
"Bertha!" Neferet screamed, running down the stairs. "What are you doing? We need to continue drawing your fake mark so you can pass as Ima Notevila so we can kill Zoey!" Neferet then noticed Erik. "I mean… come on, Ima, we need you to fix the… uh… falangey in my room! Yes. Falangey. You're not Bertha Luck."
Erik raised an eyebrow.
"I'm not Bertha Luck, Zoey's old boyfriend Heath's mother," Bertha said quickly. "And yes, the falangey. I'm on my way."
Erik helped Bertha up, even though it took all his strength. "When will I see you again, Ima?"
Bertha gazed into his blue eyes. "Just call my name and I'll be there," she said in a dramatic whisper. "Or call my phone number, 199-299-3999."
With one last dramatic look into his eyes, Bertha left with Neferet. The entire time she thought about Erik. He was only nineteen, and she was, like, forty-five, but Bertha knew she had to get him to be hers.
At ten a.m., when most people were asleep, Bertha was desperately planning her martial arts class for the next day. She had no idea what martial arts was, so she was just planning a fun drawing activity.
Her phone rang. It was an unfamiliar number. Bertha picked it up. "Hello, it's Bertha Luck."
"Ima?" said Erik in a confused voice.
"Oh! Erik! Yes, it's Ima. That's what I meant to say."
"Meet me at Nyx's Temple in half an hour," he said. "I need to see you." And with that, he hung up.
Bertha squealed like a little girl/pig. She ran to her bathroom to get ready. Since vampyres had a gothic look, Bertha took her Crayola black marker and coloured her eyelids. Then she coloured her lips with a red marker. When she was done, she looked like a drug addicted, insane drag queen.
She searched through her closet for clothes, but it seemed like everything Neferet put in there was too small. She finally found something that would fit: a garbage bag with arms holes and a note attached to it.
Dear Bertha,
If you can only fit in this garbage bag, you are seriously insanely fat. I hope you know we don't serve unhealthy food here. Good luck with that.
-Neferet
After crying for about ten minutes about the whole unhealthy food thing, Bertha realized she was going to be late for her visit with Erik. She rushed out and jogged to Nyx's Temple. Actually, she only jogged for the first thirty seconds. She walked for a minute after that, then she had to crawl since her exhaustion was so bad. Finally, she got to Nyx's Temple.
"Ima!" Erik cried, opening his arms. Bertha ran into them, causing Erik to fall to the ground with Bertha on top of him. After realizing she knocked him out, Bertha gave him CPR and got him conscious again. He had some broken ribs, though.
"You look marvelous," he said, even though he was trying very hard not to throw up.
Bertha blushed. "Aw, thank you."
Erik walked towards to many candles in Nyx's Temple. Bertha followed, and they watched the flames burn.
"What element do you feel the closest to?" Erik asked.
"Um, boron," Bertha said, completely serious.
Erik laughed. "You're so funny." He turned to her. "Why do you seem familiar?"
"Did you know Heath Luck?"
"Sadly, yes."
"Don't insult my son!" Bertha yelled. "I mean… who's Heath Luck?"
Erik laughed and cupped her cheek with his hand. "Even though this House of Night is screwed up, I'm glad you're here. We need another professor to be on our side."
"The dark side?" Bertha asked hopefully.
Erik laughed again. "You're killing me. The LIGHT side."
Bertha panicked. She wanted to be on Erik's side, but she needed to kill Zoey. Was there a way to kill Zoey AND be on the light side? No, Zoey was way too blessed by Nyx for killing her to be good.
But what if Zoey turned bad? What if HEATH could make Zoey turn bad? Bertha smiled as she felt the darkness surround her.