It was seven when he called. I picked up the phone, and he told me they'd be by soon. That there was something they had to tell me. Somehow I knew. I knew she wasn't coming home to me. That someone had ended her life. Whether it was some confused local or some power hungry Go'auld. So I just hung up the phone and went to put the coffee on. I knew he and Sam would appreciate it. That they'd need it.
Thirty minutes later, when the door opened, I simply poured the coffee and sat down at the table. Sam looked exhausted. Her blue eyes were cold in a way I hadn't seen since Jolinar. I didn't want to care. I didn't want to help her. Not when I could help him the most. I set her mug on the table and handed him the one he'd used that morning. Before it all went to hell.
His voice broke when he told me what had happened. How General Hammond had approved me to know the whole truth. That she had died trying to save a man's life. That he didn't have enough medical training to save her life. That's when I broke. I'm not sure why in the end. No tears. No screams. I had stood up to get Sam a refill to have something to do. Not because she had actually drank the coffee.
His eyes widened when I took the mug and threw it at the wall. My mother's pristine white kitchen tile covered in coffee with shards of porcelain on the floor. Sam didn't even flinch when I reached for the carafe and threw it, too. She just sat there. I wondered if she was even breathing.
I wasn't angry. Not at the nameless Jaffa who had stolen my mother's life. No. I was angry at something else. I hated something else. Hate was always a strong word. It was something Jack tried to explain to me. How hate was so evil that you had to be sure it was worth it. And for one moment I was sure it was. I hated every single one of those bastard foster parents who taught him it was always his fault. How it was never good enough.
Three years later I had escaped to Nevada. A small college there was willing to give me some money even though they all wanted to help pay for it. I think it was destiny that damn night when I called Sam. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to be lost anymore. I couldn't drown anymore. It wasn't worth it. So it got harder.
I fought with everything in me to find a way back to the person I was. I left the drugs and the alcohol behind me. Sam moved to Nevada and took some research position without telling anyone why. All because I didn't want them to know. Not Jack or Teal'c. And I'd stopped talking to him entirely. I think that's where I went wrong. Ignoring him.
It's been five years since that day in the kitchen. I've read the letters Sam has written me. Stories about this Mitchell who replaced Jack on the team. This insane alien named Vala. I've never even met her, but I somehow know I'd like her. And I still have never said a word to him. I won't write. I won't call. I still ignore him. Sam told me he thinks I blame him. That it only feeds what I hate most about that day.
I told her to mind her own damn business. She didn't call for a week after that. I think she understood that I still had to work out why. Why I couldn't stand to think about him. Why I wished things were different. Why I hated. Why I let myself get so lost. He would have found me before I got that turned around. He would have seen it because he'd been there himself. Drowning. Sinking.
Finally I cashed in a bond my mother had gotten me and gathered together the last little money I could to get that ticket to Washington. I showed up on Jack's doorstep without a word except a request to talk. We got pizza, and I told him everything about that morning. That last day of my mother's life.
I got up and found him making breakfast. I could tell my mother had no idea how to explain it to me. So I made it easy on them. I just sat down and told him no one had ever made such wonderful pancakes. I smiled and beamed and got ready for school. He promised that we'd get pizza for dinner and talk. All three of us. I think my mother got scared then because she rushed me out the door to the bus stop.
Jack seemed surprised by it all. And that's when I knew why. I hated that he had been ignored for so long that he hadn't told anyone our secret. The one he and I were left with because of one bad off-world mission. In five years he hadn't once told the man he considered a brother about the relationship he'd lost before it even got started.
I asked Jack what I should do. His eyes got dark as he picked up his keys and offered to drive me to the airport. I blanked out then. I imagined he couldn't stand to know the secret I had been trapped with. I thought he was sending me back to Nevada to live with my decision. So when he handed me the ticket to Colorado Springs, I simply smiled. Like I did that morning. Jack's parting words to me, "He can forgive everything, Cassie. Just give him the chance."
It was a long flight especially considering that I had only just finished a flight to Washington in the first place. I was surprised to find I still had clearance to the mountain. Then I remembered that Sam had worked something out to get me medical treatment. Something about the IOA not wanting every Tom, Dick and Doctor to find the chemical in my blood. The same chemical Sam and I shared.
The door to his office was closed, and I could hear a woman laughing. That must be the infamous Vala. I knocked and waited for the door to open. When it did, a woman rushed past me and waved me in. He had his back turned to the door and sighed loudly. For one moment I didn't know what to say. Five years is a long time. Then I took a chance. The one Jack told me to take. "Jack said you can forgive everything."
He turned slowly and watched me carefully. I saw this light in his eyes that I remembered from that morning. And he smiled. "Of course I can, Cassie. Because there isn't anything to forgive."