Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, they don't actually meet in this fic. It's just a random moment from a fictional but hopefully plausible filler. Except this filler was transplanted into Shippuden. (See Filler Hell, Ep.136-215).
*Note: When I wrote this filler, I assumed there would be downtime after the war, and that events would happen somewhat differently. So assume this filler takes place..whenever makes sense, somehow.
Featuring: the Filler Older Kunoichi of the Week, Who For Some Reason, Has A Liking For Naruto, Who Is Definitely Not A Chick Magnet in Canon But Is Absolutely The Chick Magnet In Filler.
Naruto Shippuden Episode ? : 0:20 - 0:25.
"Naruto-kun," said the dark haired kunoichi sweetly, "Don't you want me to teach you an adult's kiss?"
"Ah- Um-" Naruto stammered, his cheeks red.
She smiled at him, grey eyes smouldering at him through lowered lashes. "Don't worry, cute Naruto-kun. I know what you like."
Naruto thought he may have mumbled something to encourage assent but he couldn't really tell either way. She was...really close... really really close... Her eyes were too bright. And- a- a- anyway, she was on their side, so it was okay, right? Oh man! His first adult experience- the thing every guy dreams about... with a hot babe! YEAH! But it was still really weird, wasn't it?
Sakki's lips were moving. Oh, she was saying something. Ack! What was she saying?
"Aww, shy, hm? Don't worry, Naruto-kun." (Naruto would normally have sputtered at this, but he was currently too flustered. In this moment, one might even tout him as the classic example of a warm colour palette.) She lowered her eyes flirtatiously and winked at him. "You're quite innocent, so how about this? I'll turn into a person you like, so that you can fulfill your heart's desire of kissing them with this jutsu, okay? It's a genjutsu-ninjutsu based on your memories and perceptions of that person, so it will take on that person's appearance and personality as you know them. Even as I speak, it will appear as though they are speaking. The one in your heart that you most associate with kissing- I can give you a rare chance to kiss that person."
This was too good to be true! He was going to get to kiss Sakura-chan! It wasn't the real Sakura-chan but- but- but! YES! Sakura-chan, finally-
But.
...But he wanted his first kiss with Sakura-chan to be something special.
He didn't want it to be fake.
He wanted to win it, through hard work. He didn't want it to be screwed up or remember it as a practice with an older woman. True, he may like some practice, but not like this. Naruto met Sakki's eye and opened his mouth to object-
just when Sakki got surrounded by smoke.
Naruto did not continue with his objection.
On the contrary, he froze.
Unfortunately, it was not for the reason that the reader would think he did, such as a Sakura (or Hinata) so beautiful all of Naruto's objections died.
It was...for a much more unfortunate reason.
A small voice in the back of his head was telling him that he should have known. "The person he most associated with the action of kissing." "The person that, if someone mentions the word 'kiss' and starts laughing around him, he will probably think of." "The first person he would think of, involuntarily, when asked about kissing girls."
He could hear Kurama laughing his ass off. Stupid furball.
Where Sakki once stood, Sasuke Uchiha's black eyes looked appraisingly across at him.
"Ahh," Sasuke's calm baritone stated. "That's certainly a surprise."
Naruto winced.
"I didn't expect a boy. Though he certainly is pretty." And wasn't that strange, hearing Sasuke's voice and Sasuke's face and Sasuke's eyes talk like that.
Right, Naruto definitely had to explain. Because it would be a real disaster- and as soon as he got out of his shock he would definitely explain. Stupid Sasuke. Stupid first stupid stolen first kiss. Stupid, damned bastard Sasuke. Stupid Sasuke. Bastard just had to leave. He had to go away and leave Naruto behind. All for what?! For some stupid power he could have gotten with Naruto and Sakura and Kakashi and Konoha. And Orochimaru took him, and he won't go back and now they have to kill each other because either of them will die since Sasuke wants to go against Konoha and Naruto won't let him, and Sasuke is his friend, almost brother, his first, precious bond and he'll take him back to Konoha no matter what. Stupid, goddamned bastard.
Sasuke's painfully familiar black eyes focused on him and an unfamiliar, strange expression came upon his face. Those familiar too-goddamned-pretty, why-the-hell do-all-the-girls-like-him,-anyway eyelashes lowered and looked straight at him heatedly, almost like the way they did in fights. ...Except something was off, something was weird, there wasn't so much of that clear hate and friendship and rivalry and jealousy that they normally held- no.. it was something else, something warmer. Like the way he wished Sasuke would look at him, accepting of friendship someday and willing to go back- wait. But no, it was different- not quite that, and almost strangely dangerous and weird and what was that?! Like the way he looked in fights, all heated and affected and there was so much- wait, what the hell was he- Sasuke was starting to lean closer and closer and their noses were touching wait- HOLD ON A MINUTE! Wait, WAIT A DAMN SECOND! This wasn't Sasuke, this was Sakki, and Sakki was going to -to- kiss him as Sasuke and GAAH!
"GAAH!" said Naruto.
"GAAHHH!" he repeated, shoving Sakki-Sasuke's face away. "WAIT WAIT WAIT!" he freaked, waving his arms frantically.
Sakki-Sasuke gave him a familiar, questioning look. "Isn't this the person you wanted to kiss?" calmly asked Sasuke's voice. Sasuke's eyes looked heatedly at Naruto's lips and, to Naruto's horror, he felt himself getting ...affected.
Of course, Naruto's automatic course of action is to back away and deny everything as well as purge himself (via vomit) of that awful memory while at the same time loudly yelling at Sakki,
"NO, NO, NO! I definitely wasn't - I definitely don't! HEY - IT WAS BECAUSE YOU SAID THAT THE PERSON YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU THINK OF THE WORD 'KISS'! AND HE STOLE MY FIRST KISS AND IT WAS REALLY EMBARRASSING AND DISGUSTING AND AWFUL!"
"Oh," said Sakki-Sasuke, frowning. Naruto knew that behind the jutsu she was probably pouting. Thank god he didn't need to see Sasuke pouting, because that would be... very wrong. Or, actually quite funny. That bastard pouting...oh, that would be a hilarious sight to see, come to think of it. "But," Sakki-Sasuke said, "You gazed at him so soulfully."
"EH?" Naruto gaped.
"You know," said Sasuke's voice. "With piku piku eyes." The cutesy way of speaking was somewhat disturbing coupled with Sasuke's normally serious baritone.
Kurama's annoying laughter got even louder.
"That's- THAT'S WRONG! It's because he was my teammate! My rival! And my first friend! And that bastard left to Orochimaru. I want to bring him back! You've- YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG."
"Ahh. So that's it. Well, I only have enough chakra for doing this jutsu once today-"
Naruto groaned. No Sakura-chan, then.
"But I'll grant you your heart's desire anyway." Sakki-Sasuke smiled at him.
And then Naruto felt the familiar shape of Sakki-Sasuke's faux warm body against his own, so similar to the deadly almost-embrace of the first time they met again. He got ready to run away, in case she/he tried to kiss him again. Egh, really, cause twice with that bastard was enough!
"Naruto," said Sasuke's voice.
"I understand. Sorry, Naruto. Sorry for making you chase after me for so long. I understand now. I'm ready to go back, back with you, to Konoha.
The truth is, I always considered you my best friend.
I never forgot."
Naruto knew it was just Sakki.
Just Sakki pretending to be Sasuke, going on what she knows of him.
It wasn't even quite right. Sasuke and he usually left most things unsaid. Naruto wasn't the most coherent of people or good with words. Most of them were just silent understandings.
He couldn't help the wetness on his cheeks anyway.
He couldn't help his heart breaking all over again- for words Sasuke, his Sasuke might never say- that he wished with all his heart to hear.
It was still Sasuke's face and voice after all.
He could hear Kurama growl in the back of his mind. "That damned woman. Opening old wounds, and creating problems," he grumbled.
"No..." said Naruto internally to Kurama. "I'm happy that I got to hear it, even if it was just once." He looked up to the ceiling of the rock cave. "Just once. But thanks for caring."
Kurama hotly retorted (as per usual), "It-It isn't like I'm worried about you or anything! She's just annoying is all, even to an old demon fox like me."
Naruto smiled to himself, knowing what Kurama meant. "All right!" he yelled to the sky, determination renewed. "I'm taking Sasuke back!"
"Glad to hear it," came Sakki's voice. Naruto turned to her, grinning. Oh, huh. Sakki still looked like Sasuke. She must have only partially cancelled the jutsu. Seeing "Sasuke" smile at him like that hurt, but not so awfully as before. "But that took some chakra, so now I'm taking my payment~!"
"Payment?" Naruto asked curiously. What did she-
A pair of lips were pressed on his own, larger and slightly different than he remembered, but familiar, the same faint taste of tomato in it. Sasuke's eyes looked intensely into his own.
Naruto shrieked and made to pull away, just as a hot, wet, tongue slipped into his mouth.
It felt horrifyingly good, and hot and wet, and amazing and there were Sasuke's lashes were against his own and too long, black hair was brushing his cheek and his hands, so familiar but larger and changed and strangely gentle, were against his back, and Sasuke was here, present, alive and with Naruto and oh god what was he DOING.
Naruto yelled and pulled away from Sakki-Sasuke, who turned back into Sakki in a puff of smoke. He made to gag for good measure, and vomit a little extra.
"Does he taste that awful?" Sakki asked him curiously.
Naruto valiantly did NOT hear Kurama laughing and indignantly ignored Sakki's totally inappropriate question. He walked out of the cave with head held high.
ooo
And thus, Naruto's misfortunes involving Sasuke increased to three...
It was unfair, because the bastard didn't even have to experience the same misfortune this time.
But sometimes, when they're on long missions, and Naruto's missing Sasuke all over again, Naruto wonders- if they had another, stupid, idiotic, accidental kiss- if that would be the way Sasuke really feels, a larger warm body against his own, hands down his back with stronger and longer fingers, lips still tasting with faint traces of tomatoes.
NOT BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY WANTS TO KISS HIM. Or anything gross like that. Just...you know.
Because.