I think Ron did something to the disclaimer which tells you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some fun fluff that came out of my tiny little mind. Sometimes I imagine the Archer family like Mama's Family on scotch and stronger drugs. Takes place after the story The Not So Young And Agitated.
Coffee With Mallory And Ron
"Good morning," Ron greeted his wife as she walked into the kitchen.
"What's so good about it?" Mallory grumbled as she went to get some coffee. "Damn it Ron! You still can't figure out how to make coffee?"
"And hello to you too," Ron told her. "If you're such a hot shot why don't you make the damn coffee? Or have the instant like I'm having."
"I will!" Mallory snapped as she went to the machine. She looked at it. "Did you put any water in it? I can't tell…"
"I put a fresh tank of water in there in case you would like to try making coffee," Ron said.
"It's hard to tell," Mallory frowned. She checked to see if the coffee grounds were in there. "Okay that seems easy now all I have to do is press…Wait a minute. There's no button for just brewing. I keep seeing grind but it doesn't need to be ground."
"That's what I keep telling you!" Ron said.
"I'm sure it's fine if I just push this button," Mallory did so. Nothing happened. "Okay maybe it's this button?"
Nothing happened. "Maybe you should try another button?" Ron suggested.
"There are no other buttons!" Mallory snapped. "Is this thing plugged in?"
"Yes, it's plugged in!"
"Then why isn't it working?" Mallory snapped. "Are you sure it's plugged in?"
"The little blue light is on," Ron said. "It wouldn't be on if it wasn't plugged in."
"Then why isn't it working?" Mallory asked.
"How should I know?" Ron asked. "Do I look like Mr. Coffee to you?"
"You look dressed before noon," Mallory looked at him. "Why are you dressed? Big day at the track?"
"Actually I'm…" Ron paused as he heard a car pull up in the driveway. "Oh, good they're here."
"Who's here?" Mallory asked as Ron went to get the door.
"Hey!" Ron greeted Lana and AJ at the door. "Come on in. I'd offer you coffee but we can't get the machine to work."
"Do you have it plugged in?" Lana asked as they went in.
"The blue light is on," Mallory was frustrated. "Of course it's plugged in! If I didn't know better I'd say the KGB designed this thing."
"Maybe Mr. Coffee is in the KGB?" Ron quipped.
"Gamma!" AJ said cheerfully. "Gampy!"
"Grandmother!" Mallory corrected.
"Give me some sugar!" Ron said as he kissed AJ on the forehead. AJ kissed back.
"I could go for some coffee," Lana sighed.
"You're welcome to have some. If I can get the damn coffee machine to work," Mallory grumbled as she pushed a button again. "I swear you need a degree in engineering to make it work!"
"I do!" AJ said cheerfully. Lana held her up to the coffee machine and AJ pushed some buttons. It started to brew.
Mallory did a double take. "My granddaughter can't even correctly call me grandmother but she can make coffee?"
"Frightening isn't it?" Ron quipped. "How good kids are with machines these days."
"We have a similar one at home," Lana admitted.
"If you ever learn to type I can replace Carol," Mallory remarked to AJ. "Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure you can learn to type a lot faster than Carol!"
"Hi Gammy," AJ grinned.
"Grandmother," Mallory corrected. "And what are you two doing here?"
"AJ go watch cartoons," Lana said as she put AJ down.
"Yeah, I have a feeling the grownups in this room are gonna be saying things you don't need to hear," Ron added.
"'Kay!" AJ skipped off and the sound of the TV being on in the next room was heard.
"Why is my granddaughter here?" Mallory asked. "And not at the extremely expensive pre-school that I am basically paying for?"
"Because AJ's school is closed down for a teacher's workshop," Lana explained. "And since my babysitter is in school and I need to save money…"
"Again?" Mallory snapped. "And I am referring to County Day being closed. Seriously with all the money we pay AJ should be in there until college!"
"Things have changed since I was a kid," Ron remarked. "In the old days the only time we got off from school was when Little Fat Mike burned the gym down."
"It's still an incredible imposition," Mallory sniffed.
"I don't mind," Ron told Mallory. "In fact, I like watching AJ. It's nice to have some company for a change. As well as talk to someone mature!"
"I was talking about me!" Mallory snapped.
"How exactly is me spending time with AJ an imposition on you?" Ron snapped. "What do you expect me to do? Sit around all day praying to a shrine of you?"
"Well obviously not a shrine…" Mallory waved.
"You know what's an imposition Mallory?" Ron snapped. "You waking me up in the middle of the night for a ridiculous notion that I'm having an affair with Gillette!"
"WHAT?" Lana gasped.
"I apologized for that!" Mallory told Ron.
"No, you didn't," Ron said.
"I had a nightmare!" Mallory explained. "I wasn't thinking rationally!"
"Do you ever think rationally?" Ron snapped.
"Hang on," Lana snickered. "Mallory you had a dream that Ron ran off with Ray?"
"And the little bitch stole my furs," Mallory grumbled.
Lana snickered. "I'm sorry. But that's freaking hilarious!"
Mallory looked at her. "In my dream Sterling was faking being in a coma so he could bang a bunch of nurses!"
Lana paused. "I'd be lying if I said that I didn't think that was a possibility."
Ron paused. "Fat Mike also did that."
"What?" Mallory and Lana asked.
"Technically it wasn't a coma," Ron explained. "See he sprained his leg once and there was this cute nurse he saw at the hospital. So he sort of faked a few fainting spells so he could spend some time with her."
"Did it work?" Mallory asked.
"Up until the nurse's fiancé caught him having an intimate sponge bath," Ron shrugged.
"That sounds like something Archer would do," Lana groaned.
"You were also cheating on Sterling with Cyril and his identical good twin doctor," Mallory told Lana.
"Hang on," Lana paused. "In your dream Cyril has a twin brother and he's the bad one?"
"Cousin actually," Mallory admitted. "And he was a doctor."
"Huh," Lana paused. "Cyril a bad twin. That would explain a lot actually."
"I thought that too," Mallory admitted. "There was something else but honestly Lana I wasn't really focused on that since you weren't there. And Len just dumped me and…"
"Hang on," Ron snapped. "Len? Len who?"
"Len Trexler?" Lana guessed. "You dreamt you were with Len Trexler?"
"Damn it," Mallory winced.
"The same Len Trexler you almost married?" Ron snapped. "And you were mad about my imaginary affair?"
"Oh, for God's sake Ron," Mallory groaned.
"This woman is a freaking lunatic!" Ron pointed to Mallory. "Wakes me up in the middle of the night whacking me on the head and screaming like a banshee about how unfaithful I am! That's a laugh!"
"Again," Mallory took a deep breath. "I apologized for that!"
"No, you didn't!" Ron snapped.
"It's not important," Mallory tried to pass it off. "So what exactly is AJ doing here again?"
"Don't try and change the subject," Ron told her.
"Actually, I do want to know what you and AJ are going to do today," Lana spoke up. "You're not taking her to the track again are you?"
"Relax Lana," Ron said. "I'm taking AJ to a birthday party for a two-year-old granddaughter of a friend of mine."
"It's not Fat Mike is it?" Lana asked.
"No, that asshole has been dead to me for years," Ron waved. "He was almost literally dead when I learned he was stealing from me. But that's a story for another day."
"Who exactly is this friend?" Mallory asked folding her arms.
"Just someone I know," Ron waved.
"I'd like to know," Lana said.
"I'll tell you later," Ron coughed.
"Who is it Ron?" Mallory snapped.
Ron sighed. "Larry Goldberg."
"As in Mrs. Goldberg's husband?" Mallory shouted. "You're spending time with that bitch's husband behind my back?"
"Just because you have a problem with the entire neighborhood doesn't mean I have to!" Ron told her. "In fact, I actually spend more time in this neighborhood that you do!"
"Larry's a nice guy," Lana remembered. "I remember saying hello to him a few times."
"He used to own a car dealership too," Ron said. "A Ford dealership but still…"
"God I can't believe you'd double cross me like this!" Mallory snapped at her husband.
Ron glared back. "For a woman who's dreaming about her ex-fiancé you're pretty judgmental!"
"Will you two keep it down?" Lana hissed. "I don't want AJ to hear this!"
"Lana her eyes are practically glued to the television," Mallory looked in. "Watching that God awful liberal propaganda."
"It's Sesame Street," Lana realized.
"I stand by my statement," Mallory sniffed.
"Anyway," Lana sighed. "I was thinking we'd both go in to visit Archer this morning and then you and I can go into work together."
"I'm not going into work," Mallory grumbled. "I'm pretty sure Cyril and the rest of the Hole in the Head Gang can handle all the exciting nothing going on!"
"Still no new clients?" Ron asked.
"No," Lana sighed. "And I'm really getting worried."
"I'm sure things will pick up soon," Ron said. "Maybe I can ask around…?"
"Absolutely not!" Mallory snapped. "It's bad enough I'm the target of gossip around here. Do you really want to make more for me? If those clucking hens find out my business is in the toilet I'll never hear the end of it!"
"Isn't that damn coffee brewed yet?" Lana groaned as she looked at the machine.
"Newsflash honey," Ron told Mallory. "It's not that big a secret."
"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.
"Shhh!" Lana shushed.
"Oh, shush yourself!" Mallory snapped at Lana. She turned on Ron. "Just what do you mean by that? Oh my God! You've been blabbing about our problems to your new best friend Larry, haven't you?"
"Well I have to talk to somebody around here!" Ron snapped.
"Oh my God!" Mallory groaned. "How much have you blabbed?"
"Nothing that everyone on this whole block didn't already know!" Ron snapped.
DING!
"Oh good!" Lana breathed a sigh of relief. "Coffee's ready. The coffee is ready!"
"In a minute Lana Valdez," Mallory told her. "Ron what exactly did you say?"
"Besides apologizing for your actions?" Ron asked her. "Like when you tried to run over Mrs. Kensington?"
"I was nowhere near her!" Mallory protested.
"Or the time you actually ran over the neighbors' trash cans?" Ron added. "And their flowerbeds!"
"Those flowers were tacky anyway," Mallory sniffed. "And those trash cans were in the middle of the road!"
"How about the time you cut down Mrs. Kensington's tree?" Ron asked.
"There is no proof of that," Mallory glared at him. "And if you want to stay on my good side you'd better keep your mouth shut about that!"
"You have a good side?" Ron asked. "This is the first I've heard of it!"
"It doesn't matter!" Lana interrupted as she poured some coffee. "Look everyone is just tense and upset because things aren't going well."
"I'm tense and upset because I'm married to a raving lunatic!" Ron snapped.
"I am not a lunatic!" Mallory snapped back.
"There is a lot of evidence to the contrary!" Ron told her.
"Will you two please can it?" Lana snapped as she handed them coffee. "Things are hard enough without you going at each other's throats!"
Mallory took a breath before drinking the coffee. "I have to admit, this is good coffee. When the machine works." She glared at Ron.
"What are you blaming me for?" Ron asked. "I'm not the one who bought it! This machine was your idea! I wanted the one where you put the pods in! But noooooo! You had to have this one because it was fancier and more expensive!"
"I like the finer things in life Ron," Mallory sniffed.
"More expensive doesn't always equal better," Ron told her. "You're proof of that."
"Just what is that supposed to mean?" Mallory looked at him.
"You just had to use Archer's sperm didn't you Lana?" Lana groaned to herself as she drank her coffee.
"It means you are a money draining self-important Park Avenue Princess who is living in a fantasy world!" Ron snapped.
"I wish I married Len Trexler," Mallory glared at him.
"So do I!" Ron told her.
"Couldn't have used a nice safe anonymous donor, couldn't you?" Lana kept talking to herself. "Nooooope."
"I would love to meet this great Len Trexler!" Ron said. "Maybe I can make a deal or something to trade you off?"
"I'd love to trade you in one of these days," Mallory told him. "Preferably for a younger man who has taste."
"And obviously blind and deaf," Ron cracked.
"Why you…?" Mallory growled.
"Okay," Lana put her foot down. "Both of you back into your respective corners. Mallory we'll both visit Archer after we finish our coffee. I insist on driving. I have to come back to pick up AJ anyway."
"Fine," Mallory sighed as she sipped.
"Oh, don't forget," Lana reminded Mallory. "We have that thing with Krieger tonight."
"What thing?" Ron asked. "Oh God Mallory! No! Not another one of your employees' cockamamie schemes! Whatever it is, I don't want to go to that!"
"Ron," Mallory looked at him. "Even I don't want to go to this! But I am! And you are too!"
"Why?" Ron protested.
"You're the one complaining that you don't get out of the house enough!" Mallory told him.
"To meet normal people!" Ron shouted. "Which obviously lets that crazy Kraut out!"
"Trust me Ron!" Mallory snapped. "There are days I wish I could deport Krieger back to Argentina! If I wasn't so sure of the legal ramifications…"
"Legal ramifications?" Lana asked.
Mallory sighed. "I may have accidentally adopted Krieger when I brought him into the country. It's not that big a thing."
"How do you accidentally adopt someone?" Ron asked incredulously.
"Look! I had to mix forged papers with real ones in order to make everything look legitimate!" Mallory snapped. "I had a long flight and a hangover. I got confused and couldn't remember which was which! Happy?"
"Not particularly," Ron groaned.
"Big surprise," Mallory said. "You're never happy!"
"Only for the past five and a half years," Ron said.
"You mean since we were married?" Mallory frowned.
"Bingo!" Ron said.
"This hasn't exactly been a storybook marriage for me, mister!" Mallory told him.
"You're forgetting a lot of stories have witches in them!" Ron shot back. "Spoiler alert! So does this one!"
"AJ!" Lana shouted. "Be sure you turn the volume up on the TV real loud!"
The volume went up. "Good girl!" Lana groaned.
"Larry's right about you," Ron said. "You have this sense of entitlement…"
"I still can't believe you talk about me behind my back with complete strangers!" Mallory shouted.
"I've known Larry since we moved to this neighborhood a year ago!" Ron snapped. "If you'd just get down off of your high horse and act like a human being sometime…"
"You're lucky you married me at all Ron!" Mallory snapped.
"Is that what you call it?" Ron asked.
"I'm telling you right now Ron," Mallory said. "You are going to stop talking about me to anyone! Unless I tell you what to say!"
"Oh really?" Ron asked. He stood up, went to the door and opened it. "HEY NEIGHBORS!"
"Ron!" Mallory gasped.
"HERE YE! HERE YE!" Ron went out into the driveway shouting. "HER ROYAL HIGHNESS MALLORY ARCHER HAS MADE A DECREE! THAT SHE IS NOT TO BE DISCUSSED ABOUT UPON PAIN OF DEATH!"
"YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH RON?" Mallory shouted as she stormed outside. "BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE YOU DO!"
"AVERT YOUR EYES PEOPLE!" Ron shouted. "HER ROYAL HIGHNESS HAS EMERGED FROM HER GOLDEN CHARIOT! LOOK AWAY LEST YE BE SMITED BY HER VERY LOOKS!"
"YOU'RE GONNA GET SMITED IN ABOUT TEN SECONDS, RON!" Mallory screamed.
"I bet the neighbors are just loving this," Lana groaned as she sipped her coffee.
"WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF MALLORY?" Ron shouted. "THE TRUTH? WHAT AM I SAYING? YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THE TRUTH IF IT BIT YOU IN THE ASS!"
"I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS RON!" Mallory screamed.
"I can't wait to tell Archer about this one," Lana groaned. "Damn it. No wonder that man is still in a coma."
"WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR FRIEND LEN TREXLER OVER HERE TO KICK IT FOR YOU?" Ron shouted.
"FOR GOD'S SAKE RON I STOPPED LOVING THAT ASSHOLE A LONG TIME AGO!" Mallory shouted. "I WAS ONLY GOING TO MARRY HIM FOR THE MONEY! UNLIKE YOU! I WAS ACTUALLY STUPID ENOUGH TO LOVE YOU!"
"WELL I WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO LOVE YOU!" Ron shouted. "AND I STILL DO!"
"I LOVE YOU TOO IDIOT!"
"Thank God for Big Bird," Lana sighed.
She sipped her coffee and realized it had gotten very quiet. "I hope they didn't kill each other."
Lana put down her coffee and went to the door. "Hey why…JESUS CHRIST! MALLORY! RON! WHAT THE HELL? PUT YOUR DAMN CLOTHES ON! THE NEIGHBORS!"
"SCREW THE NEIGHBORS!" Mallory shouted. "HEY GOLDBERG! FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS!"
"Oh, dear God!" Lana shut the door behind her. "My life is a nightmare."
Lana walked over to check on AJ. She was happily watching Sesame Street. "C is for Cookie! That's good enough for me!" Cookie Monster sang happily.
"C is for Cookie," Lana winced as she sang to herself. "C is for Cookie that's good enough for me…"
"OH RON!" Mallory screamed with joy.
"Oh, cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Starts with C!" Lana sang to herself in desperation covering her ears with her hands.
"OH RON! RON! RON!"
"Oh God," Lana groaned.
A few minutes later Ron and Mallory walked back in adjusting their clothes. "Well that's one way to wake up in the morning without coffee," Ron smirked.
Lana looked at them. "I think you two just earned yourselves another citation from the neighborhood association."
"It was worth it," Mallory purred.
"You're just lucky AJ didn't see it," Lana told them. "Or hear it…"
"We did it by the hedges," Mallory waved. "You could barely see anything."
"I could see enough!" Lana groaned. "Come on Mallory. We need to go. BYE AJ!"
"Bye Mommy!" AJ chirped. "Bye Gammy!"
"You have got to teach that child how to address me properly," Mallory sniffed as she prepared to leave.
"Maybe she can teach us how to operate the coffee machine?" Ron quipped.
"At this rate it will be a miracle if AJ isn't in therapy before she's in high school," Lana groaned. "And I may end up joining her!"