Ok, I've used livejournal on and off a couple times over the past year…mostly off, because it confuses the hell out of me. But I wandered back over there the other day and found a Carlisle/Esme group (woohoo!), and then the Twilight 20 fic challenge tonight…and I decided I just had to take it, with the theme of the two that are rapidly looking like my favorite couple, even though I still swear it's Edward/Bella, lol. These two are just a very very very close second.
011. Crimson
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Esme
I had been sitting on this bridge for 5 hours 13 minutes and 22 seconds, and yet I wasn't really any closer to going home. With these sense I could see all too clearly, more than well enough to see the crimson of my eyes reflected in the moonlight on the water. They had been deeper red than this, right after he had changed me, but the reason was far from the same.
I was a monster now, the kind he hated. I should have gone home, even if only to say I was leaving, but I didn't have the strength to do it. I was ashamed of myself, certainly, but my own grief, my own self punishment was nothing, I knew, compared with what he would feel. The thought of having him disgusted with me, of having him hate me…it was almost more than I could bear. I had never wanted to disappoint him, and now I had. Drastically.
I leaned back against the metal behind me, eyes closing. In my mind, I saw two faces. Carlisle's, and the man I had met closing up the general store in this tiny town. He was old, 70 perhaps. He was alone on the street, and I was on my way to hunt. I told myself that I was young, still. That the wind had turned in the wrong direction, that it had been a series of unfortunate events. I told myself all of that, and still it wasn't enough. I could only imagine the revulsion he would feel when he saw my eyes, now. Well, I suppose I deserved it.
Part of me wanted to stay here, to wait for him to search for me, to feel the rush of relief when he found me. I knew, though, that I couldn't let that happen. It would only be giving myself false hope. And besides, the force that drew me to his side was already throbbing, a dull ache. I would pacify it now, drag myself in for my punishment. It was, I was certain, the last glimpse of him I would get for a long time. I didn't even want to imagine how long, could hope only that he would forgive me someday when I was more stable, more safe. More civilized.
It took another hour to run home, and I thought of nothing but what I would say. All of it, however, escaped me when I stood there on the porch, his arm holding the door open, his face before me. I had shut my eyes tight before he had gotten it open, and my head was bowed now, the sorrow feeling heavy enough to break even my bones. "Carlisle…"
Instantly he was touching me, hands coming up to cup my face. "Esme?"
His touch was heaven, the best medicine for my wounded soul. But I did not deserve it, not anymore. I never really had. Just do it quick. Get it over with. "Carlisle, I'm sorry." I put all the truth of, all my regret into the whisper before I opened my eyes, pouring all my energy into the effort it took to raise my head.
I expected him to flinch, to hiss, to pull away. To tell me to leave, worst yet perhaps to say nothing at all.
What I did not expect, could have never expected, was what he did. He didn't flinch, his eyes widening only a barely perceptible amount before he was pulling me against him, his hand cradling my head against his smooth throat. "Oh, Esme, love, I'm so sorry."
Sorry? He was sorry? "But…but I…" I couldn't even finish a coherent answer to that, spoke instead the question all but screaming itself in my mind. "Aren't you angry at me?"
His lips pressed to my temple, and I could feel his sigh slide through my hair. "No. No, I'm not angry. I wish, of course, that this hadn't had to happen, but we all make mistakes, love. "
"Not you."
He hesitated, knowing I had him there. "Perhaps not, but I'm not perfect, Esme. Not by a long shot." He pulled back enough to gaze into my eyes, brushing his thumbs across the lids when I tried to close them reflexively. "No, I'm not angry at you. Not at all. I love you far too much, and besides, I have every faith that you are doing as well as you can. With every year you will grow stronger. It gets easier, I promise."
I was speechless, awed by this man who loved me more than I could have ever had any way to deserve, any right to expect. "Can you forgive me?" I knew the answer, but I could not help but ask.
He kissed my forehead, hugged me tightly again. "Of course. Of course I forgive you. Always." He trailed his fingers through my hair, his cheek resting comfortable on top of my head. "Do you have any idea how much I love you? How desperately? How utterly I could never live without you? Hm?"
I curled my fingers around the collar of his shirt, breathed in the scent that was specifically Carlisle. "I think I'm beginning to understand."
"Good. Don't worry, I'll keep making it as clear as I can until there can be no doubt."
"I'll hold you to that." I closed my eyes, relaxed fully in his embrace. This time, his was the only face I saw.
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My first challenge prompt fic! This was a very exciting moment for me, lol. I wanted to do this one first, as it was the prompt that made me choose this particular table and I had this idea which I loved the moment I saw the word. Hope it came out as well as it looked in my head. : )