Disclaimer: Yeah, not mine, blah blah blah…
Here I am, lying in this empty bed again vexed with thoughts of you. The dark blue sheets and black pillows setting the mood. Walls barely splashed with light from the TV on mute. I look over and the clock reads 1:32am. School tomorrow will be hell. Tonight feels strange.
I haven't spoken to you in a while. I wonder how you're doing? I could just look at your pages on various sites, but I can't bring myself to do it. It shocked me when you messaged me earlier today. Asking for the rest of your stuff. Ah, bittersweet…
*BUZZ BUZZ*…my phone rings.
A message from you.
"You still up?" it read. That annoying I LOVE HIM signature glaring at me, testing me. I've become accustomed.
"Yes." I reply. Not wanting to sound too desperate or shocked by her actions. Strange?
You text back minutes later, commenting once again on our arrangement to exchange clothes. Everything's planned, every word said calculated to keep you from getting too close, then you said something that caught me off guard…
"I hope you're ok." I'm shocked. Our parting was dismal, so why like this?
"Well…yeah. Why wouldn't I be?" I reply. Showing a bit more emotion in my words. Testing the waters.
"I dunno. I worry about you. I have a question." My heart races. My fingers can't move fast enough to answer back.
"What is it? You shouldn't, you should actually worry about yourself more often…" I reply. Anxiety takes over.
"Did you really mean what you said back then? I have changed." Silence. I don't know what to think.
"I was mad then. You lost part of yourself in the accident, there's no way to tell…I write about it a lot." For another time, starting to spill my guts. Telling you more than you need to know. It just flows out at your command.
"I know. I get your status'. I have changed. " What?! You still get them after everything? I have your password, I meant to take it off…
"You still get them?? I meant to take them off…" I need to. You shouldn't want them.
"Yeah, I do. Don't bother them, please. I like to know what you're doing." Ah. It hurts but feels so good…
"Why?" I need a better explanation. I wonder how you feel?
"Well, that's how I tell that you're ok." Words that I'll save in my phone forever.
"Oh…" An unintelligible reply, but I digress. I wasn't expecting that. Oh how you always catch me off guard…
"I guess I'll go to bed now. He'd be mad if he knew I was talking to you so don't tell anybody, you know that pathetic drill. Goodnight and sweet dreams." Could you be any sweeter? Dear, you'll surely give me diabetes and I'm not even in my twenties…
"Ok. Goodnight and sweet dreams to you too."
I wonder why you always think of my late at night when you can't sleep? Giving no regard to the person on your other heart line for a moment. Are you wondering what went wrong? I want to help you, but there's nothing I can do…all I can do is hope you find what you lost that day in the hospital. You lost me.
Once again, based on my life. My ex and I have this usual ritual. Everything in this story is true. Ah, an awful story...