Title: Clouded Mind

Author: Sardius

Category: Angst/Romance

Warnings: PG-13

Pairings: Yohji/Aya

Disclaimer: Getting a bit tired with the disclaimer. I don't own the boys; I just love to torture them!

Author's Note: [I FINALLY was able to upload this after trying so many times. Hope you guys enjoy. .]

Sorry for my lack of posting lately. My poor friend Lilla is having some problems with her comp and also these days, I seem to have lost my inspiration to write. Anyway here's the new fic. It's a bit different than my other fics, less sappy with a good dose of angst. If you would like me to continue this, by all means, review me or email me to let me know. Thanks.

Many thanks to my beta; Lilla and I hope your dear Bobo will be okay again.

Some things to note in this fic:

Internal monologue is marked with this: [ ] and are in Italics. In this case, it will be mostly Yohji's thoughts.

The rest that are in Italics are flashback of the conversation that is part of Yohji's memories.

Prologue: Remembrance

"I want you to slowly relax and close your eyes. Let go of all your stress and imagine you are in this green meadow. The sky stretch continuously above you as you hear the chirping of the birds, the cries of the seagulls, the crashing of the waves…"

I let myself float effortlessly in my dreams. Hunting for that sense of silence. That peace I craved for more than anything else. The space that only I knew exists, that pleasant place, so quiet, so beautiful.

"Fuck you Aya. You always have to be that way, don't you?"

"It doesn't matter to you what I do anyway."

That voice. So familiar. I wanted to know whom it belongs to. Someone in my past? Someone I knew. Or was it just a figment of my imagination?

"It doesn't have to be that way."

"You made it this way."

No…. No I never did anything. You were the one that started this. You were the one that made me do this. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have. I wouldn't have Aya.

Aya. No. Fujimiya Ran.

The silence was breaking. It was getting to be too much. I wanted to go back to my dreamscape. The sound of the waves crashing on the shore, the beautiful sunset reflecting on the water, everything had felt so right just moments ago.

"Shut up! Shut the fuck up! Why do you have to be so fucking stubborn?"

[No don't let me go back there. I don't want to remember. I don't want to know. I don't know who Aya is. Someone I have forgotten a long time ago. Someone that no longer exists. Don't…please don't take me back there.]

"Tell me Yohji. What do you see? Can you remember what happened that night? Was it raining?

[Stop! Don't ask me again. No more. Let me out. Let me out of here.]

"I'll fucking kill you!"

[Stop!]

"Then do it."

[No! No more.]

"DO IT!!!!"

"NOOOOOO!!!!"

I felt my body jerk upright as I forced my eyes to open, gasping, taking in short quick painful breaths. My chest hurt; the pain thundering in my skull slowly decreased as I tried to take in a few steady breaths. Sweat glistened on my forehead as I could tell that my cheeks were wet.

The wetness of tears. My tears.

"Yohji. It's okay. You're safe now. Everything is okay."

I flinched as I felt someone touching me on the shoulder. My mind slowly registered who she was. Dr Tsukasa, my psychologist. I glared at her angrily and flinched away from her hand. She smiled warmly at me and gave me a glass of water. I tried to stop my hands from shaking as I took the glass from her and let the cool liquid slid down my parched throat.

I hadn't wanted to go. But Ken and Omi had insisted I should get some treatment.

[It's pointless. They think I am sick or something and needs to see a fucking doctor. They don't understand anything.]

"Your progress was quite good today Yohji. Please come back next week, the same time. And make sure you take the pills I gave you."

"I don't need to take the fucking pills."

Dr Tsukasa stopped writing and arched a delicate eyebrow at me. She was a fair-skinned woman, with long burgundy hair, reaching down past her shoulders and clear sapphire eyes. Today she was wearing a loose button up blouse and a pale crimson skirt, matching the scarf tied around her neck. She smiled warmly at me again, amusement tinkling in her eyes.

"Oh really? Who was the one that constantly complained about lack of sleep?"

I grumbled something under my breath and grabbed my coat, which was lying next to the chair. I wanted to get out of this place as soon as possible.

It's enough to drive me absolutely insane.

The sudden ring of the phone made me jump again. I knew who it was the instant she picked up the phone. It was Omi. As usual. Checking up on me. I couldn't blame the kid. Since they had found out I had missed a whole month of psychiatric sessions, they had been furious. It had got to the point where Ken had to accompany me to the appointments every week and wait outside of the room till I finished. I hated that.

[I am not a fucking kid that needs therapy.]

But you need help Yohji. Let us help you.

"Oh yes Omi-san. He did come today. Just about to leave actually."

I grimaced and stormed out of her room, closing the door behind me. Why couldn't they leave me alone? I buttoned up my coat and tied the woollen scarf around my neck.

[I hate the winter in Tokyo. So damn cold, half the time I'm either running to the car or staying in my room for the whole of the night.]

You never go out anymore. You always lock yourself up in your room. Don't be like this Yohji.

It wasn't your fault.

"Fucking get out of my head."

I swore silently as a few women whispered while I walked past them, shifting away as if I were some crazy lunatic talking to himself. The wind continuous blew around me, I huddle in my coat, seeking for any bit of warmth available, wishing I had taken seven with me today instead of walking on this god-forsaken street.

It wasn't your fault.

[Don't lie to me Ken. Everything is my fault. Everything. I can't sleep anymore. Every time I close my eyes, I can see him asking me the same question again and again. "Why?" And I can't do anything but scream. Asking him to leave me alone, leave me in peace.]

[I don't remember. I don't remember how I killed him. I can remember arguing about something and then the next thing I knew I held a gun in my hand, my face covered with blood. His blood. So much of his blood on me. Everywhere. And he was there, lying so cold in my arms, his eyes closed.]

And I realised I was the one. I was the one that pulled the trigger.

I was the one who killed him.

Since then when I woke up, I couldn't recall anything. Where I was, what I'd done. I sat there in the hospital room telling myself over and over again that it wasn't me. It wasn't me that had pulled the trigger. It was an accident. Nothing more. Omi and Ken had quickly gotten rid of all the evidences before the police came, telling them I was in shock after finding my friend lying dead in my room.

It wasn't your fault.

"Goddamn it! It is my fault."

I could not stop the tears threatening to fall down from my eyes. I was so tired of all of this. It was my fault Ran. It was my fault. I was the one that killed you.

I was the only one to blame.

* * * * * *

TBC~~~~

All right. I have no idea where I got this twisted idea. Sorry to say I didn't tell you this was a deathfic in the beginning, thought it might be good not to spoil the moment. Although you probably all have guessed half way through the fic. So what do you reckon? I was thinking of throwing this away but the muse is being evil as usual and won't let me out of this. Sigh….

Next update: I Could Give all to Time - Chapter 3

Oh btw: I started a ML for my fics. Let's just say, ff.net is giving me more trouble than I can imagine and I need a place for all my fics. *sobs*

Here's the link: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sardius_fics/ There's not much at the moment but I'll be updating most of my fics there. Also to make life easier for ppl to know which fic I am updating and when. Thanks.

Sardius.