A/N: Written for Hogwarts Online October Challenge. We were given a phobia and then got to pick a character. I was given the fear of living forever and I chose Dumbledore. Hope you guys like. I know I haven't written in awhile... but I might be trying to get back into that.
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize.
Title: Reflection
Character: Albus Dumbledore
House: Gryffindor
Name: CityGirl419/ Desty
The thoughts about living forever do cross the minds of most people at some point in their lifetime. If they are the happiest person in the world, then they would want that to continue indefinitely. If they are depressed, then people feel as if the world is this perpetual cycle that is just out to spite them. Obviously, those people don't want to live forever, but every day of being alive and not truly living makes it seem as if they have lived a lifetime. It may or may not be true that both of these thoughts have run through my head during my exceedingly long life time. I don't regret living this long; I just hope that I will not have the chance to live forever. When I assisted Nicolas Flammel in the making of the Philosopher's Stone, this fear of living forever hadn't fully set in. I was merely blinded by the heady rush of new discoveries. I never really understood the consequences of having that much power until it was too late. The Stone was already made.
It was always the science, magic, and technique involved in the making of the Stone that interested me, and how those things had to be combined. I was never truly interested in having the Stone for myself. I just thought that it would be a good thing to have out there in case anyone needed it. My sister, Ariana, died when she was still so young, and I hated that fact. Well, I still hate it. I wish for nothing more than to just be able to turn back time so I could be able save my sister from leaving this Earth too soon. Maybe that's why I'm so afraid of living forever. While I dwell on this planet, she's out there somewhere, not living because I made a mistake and couldn't protect the ones I loved. I was blinded by the idea of being this omnipotent being that I forgot what was most important: family and loved ones. Since my time thinking about doing things for the Greater Good of muggles, I've since seen the light. I have seen that what I was doing was wrong. It was just some foolish idea that my youthful brain latched onto.
Living forever is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy. I could not live with myself if they were forced to live forever on the Earth. It would be something that would be pure and utter torture. Said person would not only have to live with the accomplishments they have made over their life, but they would also have live with all of their regrets. Every single one. They would be forced to constantly think on all of the terrible things they have done wrong in the world. They wouldn't be able to live with that. Or, at least I hope that they wouldn't be able to, otherwise they would have some major things wrong with their brain. I know I couldn't live forever with the memory of my sister dying at possibly the hand of my own wand always in my mind. Even now, I have a hard time handling it. I cannot live with the fact that it was probably me that killed someone so innocent, someone who was so kind and gentle. If I had the power to live forever, that image of her final moment would probably drive me to death by my own hands.
Ariana dying, and that whole time period, will forever be the biggest regret of my life. She should have outlived me. That is what younger siblings are supposed to do; outlive their elders. Ariana shouldn't have died so young. But, she did. She died because of the horrible stuff I got caught up in. I was the one person that she thought she could trust. The one person she thought wouldn't hurt her above anyone else. And, I had been the reason for her untimely death. I betrayed her trust, and she died. I still can't live with the fact, and I know my time has almost come to an end. I'm ready to face death because I am simply too afraid to live in my own thoughts forever.
That's why I have decided on what has to happen. I've decided what I'm going to do, and why I want the one person that I believe will fulfill the duty, to do it. I know people won't see it the way it truly happened, but I'm positive that Severus won't succumb to the horrible things my friends, colleagues, and students will have to say. When it happens, Severus will be able to go to Voldemort and be the best double agent that he can be. He will be able to aide in the destruction of Voldemort without anyone even knowing about it. Severus won't care that no one will know. Well, that's maybe apart from Harry.
My favor to ask of Severus will be difficult. He and I have become quite close in the time after I helped him through his lowest point. I don't regret what I did, nor do I think it was the wrong thing. I truly believe that everyone in life deserves a second chance. In life, everyone needs a reason to live. If Lily Evans was truly the one love of his life, Severus had needed somewhere else to find his reason. I gave him that when I offered him a spot as my assistant and a double agent for me. I asked him to betray one of the most feared men in history, and he did exactly what was asked of him.
It has worked over the years. I've gotten what I wanted out of it. I got time to warn people, to prepare, and to learn things so I can prepare Harry. I admit that it waiting wasn't the best thing to do. At the time, I felt that young Harry needed a chance to live and be normal for as long as possible before he learned what he needed to do in the end. I needed to let him live. In my mind, this would maybe make up for the fact that Ariana didn't get the chance to.
If, for some reason, Harry isn't the victor from the battle that will, no doubt, take place very soon after my death, then I will watch him from above with a melancholic heart as his soul rises up to greet me. But, I do believe Harry can do this. I believe in him more than I believe in myself. If I didn't, then I wouldn't be telling Severus to kill me. If I didn't believe in Harry, then perhaps I wouldn't be afraid of living forever.