Note: I'm just getting back into watching pro wrestling after having watched in in 1999/2000/2001…as such, this will involve mostly wrestling personas from during or around that time. There may be a couple of references to much more recent happenings as well (see Alucard's spiel for example). I'm not trying to be a "Nostalgiafag" in setting this mainly in the Attitude Era (or slightly before or after)…it's just that, at least by default, that's the time of wrestling I know best.
Also, Please Note that there is NOT a one-to-one correspondence between Castle characters and WWF/WWE ones…many Castlers will have catch phrases or nicknames for more than one wrestling persona and such. There will be a Key/Legend/Whatever at the end of the last part (to be released soon) telling you who is supposed to be whom. Hope you all enjoy this one.
COITALMANIA: UNHOLY RUMBLE
By Quillon42
PART ONE
Aeon: We're here at the TransylVenue Stadium in Ghulash, Romania for what is going to be the most heart-stopping, perineum-pounding event of the entire year!
Cornell: Of course! Made even more intimately stimulating because I'm right here in the flesh for you idiots, front and center of it all!
Aeon: It's another Wrestling Facepalmers' Fuckfestation production! Reporting to you here live from ringside at the Unsacred Circle, I'm Big Time Erotic Aeon…
Cornell: …And I'm Corny "The Canine" Howler…
Aeon: And this is Unholy Rumble 2018!
Cornell: Uh-oh, it's trouble here already as the Umpire of the Expired is stepping into the ring!
Aeon: Gawd Almighty, here's the Officiator of the Finished, none other than Death himself!
Death: The following is scheduled for over a dozen falls. Victory to be determined for consenter by way of pinfall after a three-count, by fuckfall after a thirty-count, or by elimination otherwise via propelling the opponent over the top rope. Last to remain in consention will be the winner…
Aeon: That's right, folks! Consenters will enter the ring tonight one by one, with the last person standing to be declared the winner of the Rumble!
Cornell: And what does that get the champion of this evening's event, EA?
Aeon: The final consenter will get a title shot at this year's Coitalmania Main Event with the WFF
Champion, the man himself, the Trite Rapper Johannes Cenuinanus!
Cornell: Well hang onto your fangs because here comes the first of our consenting contestants…
[Theme Plays: THUMP THUMP THUMP, THUMP-THUMP-THUMP, THUMP THUMP, THUMP-THUMP]
[DANNA DANNA DANNA, DA-DA, DANNA DANNA DANNA, DA-DA]
[Alucard enters as first consenter]
Aeon: Here's Allez Vous Cardy, the son of the Prince of Darkness—who himself may deign to grace us with his preternatural presence tonight…
Cornell: Yep, here is one half of the former tag team the Cardy Boyz entering with their theme playing in the background, even though the pair split just a couple of tapings ago!
[Alucard jumps up on one of the ropes and gives a jaunty bow to the audience, which consists of mostly Zombies and some Mermen here and there]
Aeon: Yessir, Allez took it rather badly when he caught his partner in bed with Al's mother Lisa…to think that the three even once competed as a trio here in the ring only so many centuries ago!
Cornell: Hey, check out that sideways brown stripe of hair right above Allez's forehead; goes against his otherwise lily-white locks! What d'you suppose that's about?
Aeon: Search me, Canine! …Well, actually come to think of it, some other time I've seen…
[BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM]
Cornell: Ahh, forget it for now—with a burst of petulant pyrotechnics comes the other Cardy Boy now, who's distanced himself from Allez Vous as much as possible since they broke up! Now he goes by HBD…the HeartBroken Dipshit!
[Eric LeCarde jukes on in; this is the grown-up Bloodlines version of him, but given his perpetual prepubescence there is no discernible difference made from Judgment anyway]
Eric LeCarde Theme: [DUM DUM DUM DUM ("Aaargh!")
DUM DUM DUM ("Eggghh!")
DUM DUM DUM ("Ewwwww!")]
I think I'm a-DOUCHE!
I know I'm sucksy!
I'm quite the tool,
Who drives all the girls to hide
I've got cheap moves,
Yet never win bouts,
I bring the cringes
Up and down the Rift of Time
I'm just a sucksy boy (Suck-sy Boooooyyyyy)
I'm such a soy boy (Soooooyyyyy Boooooyyyyy)
I'm just a sucksy boy (Suck-sy Boooooyyyyy)
I'm such a soy boy (Soooooyyyyy Boooooyyyyy)
[More pyrotechnics go off over LeCarde's head as he flexes his noodly arms in what appears to be a defecating sort of squat]
Aeon: And still the fireworks go off too high above him…
Cornell: I know! Someday they'll make them detonate close enough to his head, and finally put us all out of our misery. Hey, speaking of heads, EA…remember when Allez had that shtick when he was Alucard Snowscalp and he tag teamed with his Father, back when Dracks had his original look going with the portable cranium and all…old Al would go around, "What does everybody want?!" and go and shake his Dad's head all over the place; it was great!
Aeon: I have been trying to block that out of my memory ever since. On that note, let's cotton to the commencement of our main event for tonight!
[DING! DING!]
Aeon: And it's on! The two are locking up right away, the tension so palpable you can pin it down with the utterly oakiest of stakes!
Cornell: And it's the stakes the matter, EA, with the prize for the winner more valuable than a mood crystal that'd let you see invisible platforms, drain Lake Yuba, and whisk you past Deborah Cliff!
Aeon: And I thought I was always an uber geek…anyway, it's LeCarde reaching down now, then lifting
Allez into the air and then down again for an Inverted Atomic Drop!
Cornell: I'm sure that's along the lines of the same kind of up-and-down action HBD gave Al's mother!
Aeon: It's as if Allez heard you, my bastardly barking buddy! Now he's grabbed LeCarde from behind, arms around his neck and pulling down for a Sleeper Mat Slam!
Cornell: The Dipshit's writhing on the mat now; to think only seconds into the match and he's already gassed! That's what a skinny stringbean creampuff constitution will do to you!
Aeon: OH but don't count eem out yet, Canine! He just moved in and took Allez Vous down with a
Sweet Shit Music kick to the chin!
Cornell: And now it's Al down and counting the braziers lighting the top of the stadium unfortunately…with LeCarde now climbing the turnbuckle…he's gonna do his Diving Elbow Douchedrop!
Aeon: I cain't look…
…but wait! In the time it took for HBD to climb the corner of the ring, Al has rolled across it to meet him there!
Cornell: He's trying to pull the Heartbroken One off the turnbuckle! AAAAAH!
Aeon: But Lisa's lover is holding onto it for dear life…
…setting it up for Al to lift him horizontally into the air then down again for an Allez Oop Bomb!
And the Voivode of Vous is not just going to let LeCarde lie there! He's picking him up by the Drac-drained ankle, and he's whirling him around and around, culminating with tossing LeCarde head first over the top rope and out of the ring!
[DING! DING!]
Cornell: And that's our first elimination! The Dipshit is done for!
Aeon: Here comes Allez now itching for the frisicklephone, that invention that Uncle Grant came up with when he hollowed out one of Death's flying tri-frisbee-like sickles and made it into a mike with addition of some gears from the cantankerous and trepidatious Clock Tower of Untimely Death!
Cornell: Shh, EA! He's gonna speak his piece into that selfsame frike right now…
Alucard: AHH HA HA HA HA HA HA…YESSSSS! For CENTURIES now I have traveled forward and backward through various iterations of civilization! I have peered out the citadel window with Elizabeth Bartley…held a symposium of spellcraft with Charlotte Aulin…and charmed the venomous tresses of Medusa! But there is only one woman with whom I wish to cavort now…one whom has heretofore rendered my heart ever staken! If she believes herself able to stymie me with her woeful wiles now, however, she will find herself…missstaken!
[Theme Plays: WHHHOOOOOWWWWW! THWACK! DANNN! WHHOWWW, WHHOWW…]
Cornell: Look out, EA! It's our next consenter, and she looks none too pleased to be called out like this…
Aeon: Yeah, she looks fit to drop a Byakko Bomb on Allez; he'd better be careful!
Maria: In all of my twentysome years, Al, I have never heard anything quite so pathetic as what you're puttering out so putridly right now. [She puts aside her own frike and steps into the ring]
Aeon: That's right, all lamias and fleamen watching at home! Please be advised that Reckoning Maria
Renard here is in her twenties, as was the case with Eric…she's of age, so please don't call the Spear Guards on us and such!
Cornell: Check it out, Big Time! What's Ria doing with her prim and proper ladies' jacket she has on…AAAAAH! She's taking it off…Hooray! PUMPKINS!
Aeon: With nothing on them save for beige splotches where the stems should be, Canine! Wonder what that's all about!
Cornell: You sure are fixated on brown things this evening, my ever eager near albino! When it comes to the pair of pumpkins Maria has, I'm focusing more on the pulp than the stems!
Maria: Don't worry, Allez…it's just some beef curry…you know, like the kind you and I used to have all those nights in the Castle…
…though I have to say that…your father…has been looking to go and foist some other chocolate-colored substances on my chest of late…
Aeon: Gawd in Heaven! The Draccinator certainly has a poor sense of taste, I'll say that!
Cornell: Oh, I don't know, EA! He seems to have an incredible palate for things like this, if you ask me!
Aeon: But this is enough to send Allez into a frenzy! He's coming at her now at a full charge…
Cornell: And she knocks him right down to the mat with an Angry Woman's Clothesline! Now he's getting up shakily onto his feet again…
Aeon: She's grabbing him from behind with her curried cultivars! Maria's pulling a French Boobplex, her finessed funbags flipping Allez oopsily over and back again to the mat!
Cornell: And now she's picking him up again and turning him around for another such Boobplex!
Again Al goes down! And now…AAAAAH! She's doing it again! And again! And again!
Aeon: Good Gawd! She's a veritable Human Boobplex Machine, Canine! Now she's undoing her undergarments as well!
Cornell: She's going for the intimate pindown, EA! The Death Ref's coming to bang the mat with his scythe while Maria mounts and bangs the verminous Vous! Remember, it's a thirty count!
[SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK]
Zombies (as this is going on): ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE (etc)…
[SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK]
Aeon: And Allez kicks out of the SNNHICKKKs at sixteen!
Cornell: I suppose you could say SNNHICKKKsteen, Big Time! And man oh man, talk about the most insidious of interruptus!
Aeon: But Al looks very shaky now, my Legacy Lycanthrope…and now Maria, grabbing hold of Allez once more with her ravishing Renard roundabouts! She's pulling a devastating Belly to Back Boobplex on eem…and another! And another!
Cornell: He must really be out of it by now! She's pressing, er…grinding the advantage all over him!
[SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK,
Zombies (as this is going on): ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE (etc)…
[SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, [SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK,
[SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK, SNNHICKKK]
[DING! DING!]
Aeon: And Allez Vous Cardy has been eliminated from competition!
Alucard: Naaaaa…Naaaaa…
…Nard…And…Card…
Cornell: Maria looks furious, EA!
Aeon: She's pointing to the Apron of the Abyss, telling Al to get out of damn dodge!
Cornell: He's still whining about the tag team they used to have—The Nard And Card Connection…
Aeon: Just like all that hullaballoo Allez was going on about, what with Medusa and such…that's all ancient history, unfortunately for him!
Cornell: Look at him now! Cowering in the corner as she's coming for him…now he's jumping up and over the top rope, out of the ring! Ha, ha! He wants to make extra sure he's been eliminated, after seeing how miffed Maria is!
Aeon: Now Renard is in the ring alone…and who's the next comer, the next consenter to challenge?...
TO BE CONTINUED