A/N: Basically my thought patterns about Sasu n naru. It's nice not having to write to a fixed structure *sigh* Warning there's shounen ai thoughts. There's also swearing. Leave if you want.
Disclaimer- Sasuke owns Naruto. I don't :P
A Double life. That describes my existence quite well. At home- I've got a decent life. I've got a girl I like (who's starting to acknowledge me) , more ramen than I can eat, and some great friends and to keep me company. Maybe that's part of my problem. Don't get me wrong, I love having friends; there are times when I could die without them (literally, I'm a ninja- go figure.) See the thing is about having friends… You make memories. Some good, some bad. In Konoha I'm suffocated by them. We're a really close knit bunch of people here, and you can walk down the street and get a "good morning" from every single person you come across, and because of that there's memories everywhere. Well as you can guess it turns out I'm pretty well liked now… I wasn't always. Once upon a time I was a cry baby, demonic orphan, hated by all. Totally alone. But I worked at it, made friends, and because of my friends I'm not on my own anymore. I'm in their debt in that respect. But… back to the memories. I guess I lied when I said I was alone, I wasn't really. There was this other kid; Uchiha Sasuke. He was an orphan like me, but unlike me, he had a pretty normal life until his older brother- Itachi- turned psychopathic serial killer on his entire family. After that Sasuke became withdrawn and obsessed with avenging the death of his family whilst the world sat by and watched him self destruct at age 8. I have no idea why no one tried to help him, and believe me I wanted to. In my eyes- we were the same. Well… Almost. He was top at the academy when he was little, and me being the troublemaker, was the bottom of the class. That was a big problem for me, 'cause -I'll admit this- he kinda impressed me a bit. And that's scary when you're 7. We didn't talk. We were just two kids, with no parents and shitty pasts who happened to be shoved into the same boat and set adrift. There were plenty of times when I wanted to talk to him and ways I could've done it…And sometimes I wonder, I could've stopped him had I done it sooner. But I couldn't work up the nerve, 'cause every time I approached him he had this kind of aura around him that pretty much said "fuck off or die." Child genius, with a bad attitude, yep that basically sums up Sasuke. So I turned him into my rival instead, and set about creating this illusion that Sasuke was this big bad wolf, an obstacle, that I had to surpass. When I look back on it… it was kinda stupid. Sasuke was cold and unresponsive, but he wasn't gonna eat me.
So that's how I grew up. Shit happened and I kissed the guy (accidentally morons) and got stuck on a team with him, and Sakura Haruno. Now I'll tell you about Sakura in 3 words- Sasuke Uchiha Fangirl. You get the picture. She fawed over resident Sex god "Sasuke kun" and dragged my own feelings through the dirt and stamped on them afterwards just for good measure. As you can tell my love life wasn't ideal at 12, but neither was hers. Sasuke- for lack of a better word- was an arse towards her. Snubbing, degrading and manipulating her were just a few of his many supposedly "sexy" talents. I didn't understand it then and I still don't, but for all our differences, somehow we muddled through. Her- the ever cheerful, schizophrenic iron maiden (1), him, the cool genius with 3 sticks up his arse and me- the village idiot someone decided to stick with them for entertainment. Well actually, I wasn't precisely pointless; If someone hadn't directed Sasuke's killing intent away from Sakura she would've been dead in the first week. Such is the painful duty of a man in love. So yeah, back to me and Sasuke. Somehow I always ended up in the shit, and for some strange reason Sasuke ALWAYS came up and saved me. Not that I had much other chance of rescue. Sakura was too busy being fangirly over Ice Prince at the sidelines whilst screaming for my blood, and Kakashi sensei was too interested in his porn to help me out, so it was a miracle someone had decided my ass was worth saving at all. It's just after you get saved for the 200th time it gets a little embarrassing. So I had to up my game, which involved training with the guy until our chakra levels were at a decent standard, and even AFTER that he STILL managed to outdo me by hogging the limelight and sacrificing himself for my safety. (There was this weird Tarzan look alike and his transsexual apprentice who attacked us, but if we get started on that I'll never shut up.) So to cut a long story short, I guess that really was the "official" start of our rocky friendship. It meant a lot because it was the turning point. He had put me before his revenge. His dream. His only goal in life. To be honest, I felt stunned and privileged (though I wont ever admit it) but he wouldn't tell me why he did it. All I know is that after that, he slowly got better. His attention was more focussed on me and the team than Itachi and slowly but surely the emotions started coming back. It was subtle at first. A smirk every now and again. An outstretched hand to help you up if you fell down and eventually- an occasional smile. You don't appreciate it at the time, but when memories are all you have left you start to reminisce and wonder- "why did it go so wrong?" But in the words of some random pessimistic arsehole- "all good things must come to an end" And end it did. We didn't know it but our days of happiness as Team 7 were numbered. We were taking the Chuunin exam, but this evil snake guy called Orochimaru who takes strong shinobi's bodies for a living, sabotaged the exam, and planted this curse seal on Sasuke's neck. It made him really sick, sick in the head. I knew he had always desired power, but the curse seal made the lust worse, it was always there as a constant reminder of his weakness, just waiting to take over him. The trigger however was when Akatsuki started sniffing around Konoha. Oh yeah. I forgot to mention-Itachi, (after splattering the Uchiha clans brains all over the compound), decided to hook up with this criminal organisation and come hunting after me. Birds of a feather… So now, not only did I have resident fangirl and ice prince's anger to worry about, I was also fearing for my life. Itachi and his… partner - Kisame came to take me away and instead had a run in with Sasuke. To put it simply- Sasuke had the crap kicked out of him and Itachi lived to fight another day, leaving his little bro bleeding in the dust. Things disintegrated pretty rapidly after that. Sasuke had been publicly humiliated by the man of his nightmares and he knew he wasn't strong enough to beat Itachi. And so, after many lectures (Kakashi) tears (Sakura) and me trying desperately to make him see sense and eventually going 1 to 1 with him, he left. He left me in some God forsaken valley in the pouring rain to be picked up by Kakashi, whilst he went to hand his ass over willingly to Orochimaru. Now I think you understand what I mean by bad memories… And this is where my double life takes over. See, shortly after the Bastard left the village, I made a promise to Sakura- that I would get Sasuke back no matter what and a few weeks later I left with the Pervert to train. So this is where my obsession starts: devoid of all contact with the femininity of Sakura to distract me from my promise, my thoughts were on Sasuke 24/7. I bled for him, breathed for him, pushed myself to the edge of consciousness for him, I had even taken to staring at Team 7's photo for at least an hour everyday. It became a ritual. Train harder, surpass Sasuke. He was still my eternal rival, or so I thought. Except things… Skewed. Sakura wasn't there, so consequently sexual frustration made my mind do strange things. My obsession became stronger. Dreams. Fantasies. (not like that!) Just simple things, visions, of me and Sasuke, together again. The past, present or future, it didn't matter. At that point, dreams were all I had. No where to call home, no friends, no family. Just Jiraiya's teaching and my dreams. It was a wonderful kind of limbo that I could escape to. Just Sasuke and me, just a few moments and memories I treasured, that I allowed my mind to bring to light. Without Sakura there I was free. No guilt, no consequences of showing my feelings. With a girl who liked him, I couldn't openly show our friendship before, and it would've been awkward because as a fool in love I was meant to dedicate all my time to her. In the space between I could feel closer to Sasuke. Total focus. All on him. I'd never felt so protective of anyone than I did of him at this point, except maybe Sakura, and that scared me greatly. Somehow I was able to convince myself I just showed us together because I desired a better friendship than before, I especially remember my favourite scene was pretending Sasuke had held my hand as a child, that felt right. I knew however that the world would interpret this new feeling as something I did not with it to be viewed as. Me and Sasuke… We were close friends, and nothing more, so right then and there I decided that my innocent little fantasies were to remain a secret forever.
After I returned, things… Got complicated. Sakura had grown. She was more beautiful than before, super strong and no longer Sasuke's fangirl. As soon as I laid eyes on her again Sasuke sank to the back of my mind, merely a dark imprint when she was there. She simply blew him away. Yes. I was still, still am a fool in love. For her. Sasuke- centred thoughts were reserved for night time when there was no one to see or judge. Or at least… that's how I would've liked it to go. In an ideal world. But the world wasn't finished playing games with me- oh no. My hidden secrets that I longed to remain forever in the dark were about to be dragged out into the light because of 1 person… Sai. He was the spitting image of Sasuke and his replacement for Team 7, I suppose I should be grateful that in my warped mind his face did not replace Sasuke in my fantasies. Thankfully his personality roused what little common sense I had left and told me straight away- I REALLY hate this guy, quicker than you can say- "do you even have a dick?" So the new Team Kakashi got off to an absolutely terrific start. Me and Sai were at each others throats and Sakura providing the necessary brute force to separate us or knock some sense into both of us. (Sai was usually the one in the wrong, but Sakura chan has anger management issues and I often got caught in the crossfire.) So our new objective was to find Sasuke and simultaneously improve our techniques, not too difficult I hear you say, except I relied on the Kyuubi too much and… Sakura got hurt. It was my fault, I should've been more responsible and seen it coming. I felt terrible, especially since I was getting closer to her but I fucked it up big time. The real kick in the teeth was the fact my Sasuke obsession I had acquired thanks to Jiraiya had begun to fade after being in close proximity with Sakura. I was scared the obsession would come back now I had pushed her away like that. Then to make matters worse, it turns out Sai's some sort of emotionless wreck, who doesn't know anything about bonds, so once we reached Orochimaru's hideout where Sasuke should be, he finally rediscovers the friendship between him and his brother, and feeling confused, comes to ME for advise. Now bear in mind- this is the guy who's constantly insulting my size and the guy I try to kill on a regular basis, so I shouldn't have been exactly happy to help. But the strange thing was as soon as he said Sasuke's name, I had this undeniable urge to talk to Sai and explain. So to my horror, I found myself ranting about this cute li'l bond we both have that means I'll go to the end of the Earth for the bastard. I think I left Sai even more confused than before because he said he wanted to use me and Sasuke as lab rats and study our relationship. Now this wasn't exactly in my plans because sooner or later I was gonna face the Ice prince that left us 2 years ago, so knowing that Sai was "studying" the way I was gonna behave towards him, put me in a very dangerous position. I'd prefer to leave my secret- but- innocent- Sasuke fetish in the closet where it belongs thank you. So I wordlessly consented (arguing would raise suspicion), and we headed off. After much searching, in which, me being me, kept falling over and carelessly passed out, we finally found our beloved Sasu chan. (2) Now, it was kinda hard to see him at first because we were standing in a Sasuke- induced crater and the sunlight was beaming down, but when I saw him, 3 things went through my mind almost simultaneously.
1- Judging by that hideous outfit, Sasuke is officially Orochimaru's bitch.
2- Why does that make me angry?
3- 'Cause he's too hot to be Orochimaru's.
In those few seconds I panicked. I thought I'd gone mad, been poisoned and/or was in some kind of gengutsu, because there was no way in hell I'd just considered Sasuke Uchiha as… Hot. I knew the guy was insanely beautiful, not to mention a genius which was why all the girls loved him, but I'd never looked at him twice in that way. I was a teenage boy. I liked girls, I liked breasts and vagina's… Not Sasuke. It was then that it crashed down around me that this obsession had gone too far, that it had affected the way I viewed Sasuke and threatened our fragile friendship that was currently hanging by a thread. But what was far worse was the fact I knew deep inside, I couldn't stop it. I'd left it too late. In my dreams I had found security that I had never known through Sasuke's presence, and even if it was all imaginary it made me feel safe. But compared to the real thing… that blissful pretence was weak. You see, Sasuke Uchiha is nothing like how a fangirl see's him. She see's a pretty face and a sharp mind. I see a tortured soul hiding behind a marble mask. A mask that I vowed, come hell or high water, I would chip away. Because just occasionally in the past, I got a glimpse of Sasuke's inner, softer self, expressed through kind action rather than words or cold looks. His outer self pushes people away. His act prevents him getting hurt, whilst the inside suffers and craves love like a flame craves oxygen. That flame could be so many things if he'd just let it out and stop suffocating it. Passionate, fierce… Warm. Fire is a part of Sasuke. It's his very essence. He draws you in and burns you, but no matter what, I need him to survive. In Konoha alone… I felt… incomplete. That's why I had spent so long searching, letting my mind provide me with the small comfort of pleasant memories and the tantalising hope of my dreams. To need someone this badly, to want them by your side forever… Is there even a word for this? Strong friendship. The comradeship of brothers. Love. Maybe I just never learned how to identify it, but the term doesn't matter to me anymore. So call it what you will. It's the feelings that count. I still remember looking between Sakura and Sasuke over and over again and wondering- Can you love 2 people at once? This is what I pondered as Sasuke went into this melodramatic speech about needing to kill off Itachi and his bonds not mattering to him anymore. It stung. He's got a way with words I'll give him that, but ultimately it didn't really matter what he said. A bond has to be severed both ends before it breaks, and I'd already vowed never to stop searching for him until I died. It's a mute point. Of course I tried everything I could to make him understand that, and make him see sense, to the point where I became slightly hysterical. I know I chipped his armour, because I saw his face soften slightly and he didn't kill me as he had planned, but I think I scared Sakura a little because she had the most peculiar expression on her face when she looked at me.(3) Of course I felt guilty, but there was no way I was going to let one of the 2 most important people in my life walk away from me again. Or at least… I tried. Orochimaru interrupted and Sasuke got away. I failed again. Another shard of my heart shattered. He's still with Orochimaru. I'm still living a double life. At home, everything's simple once more. Me and the girl of my dreams together again. Happy and content right? Well no, not really. Something's always missing, a gap in my heart that no amount of ramen can fill. But there's always one way I can get a little bit back… Just a tiny fragmented shard of what used to be. Of what still could be. Every night, when I look at my picture of team 7… It's only Sasuke I see. The other faces just fade away into nothingness and I'm left staring at a beautiful pale face. Just me on my own, in my apartment, no guilt and no worries, because I feel safe. Because It's Sasuke. Just Sasuke.
So where do I go from here? Do I put the blame for my emotional turmoil on someone? Jiraiya? The man who took me away from Konoha and was ultimately responsible for me imaging up social interaction between me and Sasuke? Do I blame Sai? The boy who made me confront my feelings which would otherwise have been left alone in the dark? Do I blame Sakura? The girl who made me believe it was my destiny to be with her alone?
No. I blame myself for thinking like a fool in love.
Would I want it any other way?
Never.
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It's night time right now, and I'm dreaming again. I'm wide awake actually, but my mind is elsewhere. I'm by a river. Me and Sasuke are holding hands. There's a sakura tree behind us and it's a scene of perfect peace. That's all I ever wanted from my life. A bit of stability, and that's all he ever wanted too. I was born without it, and his was ripped away from him.
Maybe if we're together again….
If I never give up… If I keep on running without ever looking back…
We can find peace…
I'll make it to you Sasuke.
I'm a fool in love. So go figure.
A/N:
(1)- An Iron maiden is a torture device. It was a pun…
(2)…I've fucked up the time line. Sorry guys. I know its all in the wrong order…
(3)- I didn't make this up. She does look at Naruto questioningly when he's talking to Sasuke as if saying-"am i missing something here?"
Review if you enjoyed plz :P