"Did I hear Brian?" Joan asked as she came into the garage with another small box. The sooner Jack finished with the crazy clean up project of his, the better. The mess he was making was driving her crazy.
"Jack?" Jack stared blankly at the wall, still seeing Brian in his mind, eyes blazing as he reminded his old man of the impending doom.
"Fine, ignore me. What else is new?" Joan marched back into the kitchen, slamming the door behind her.
Jack blinked, finally snapping out of his trance. Keys in hand, he headed for the once place he always felt at home, the Union Hall.
"Hey, Mike! Gimme my usual." Tommy O'Brien slapped the bar as he slid onto the familiar seat while glancing around the hall. It was a fairly quiet night, but there were enough people around for poker. Maybe he'd start a game after he finished this drink.
"Evening Tommy. How's the new grandson of yours?" Mike slid the drink over. There were so many regulars here it was hard not to know all about them.
"Growing like a weed! He'll be three months old soon." Tommy beamed proudly. After 3 granddaughters, Tommy finally had his grandson and as much as he loved his girls, there was something special about a grandson to an old Mick like him. Especially one that had been given his name.
"That's great, Tommy. He'll be tearing up the place in no time!" Mike gave a hearty laugh as the men continued to talk as Mike served the other men in the bar.
On his way back to the bar from the bathroom, Tommy noticed Jack Kinney sitting in the corner booth, staring at the bottom of his glass. He'd never seen Jack sit in the corner o hang on to an empty glass for very long. Something had to be wrong, well, more wrong than usual.
Tommy motioned for Mike. "What's up with Kinney?"
"Don't know. He's been like that all night. He came in, got a drink and sat down. Been there ever since." Mike dried the glass in his hand and set it on the shelf behind the bar. "Not like Jack."
"No. Gimme two more." Mike nodded and filled the glasses.
His son was gay. Brian. A fairy. "I'm gay." Queer. "But I'm not dying you selfish old prick, you are." Brian. A fairy. It just kept playing over and over in his head like some bad newsreel. He couldn't wipe the image of the blazing hatred in his son's eyes or the slight smile on his face as he reminded his father that it was Jack who would be dead soon and not Brian. He wasn't sure what was worse, the cancer or the revelation that his son was a fag. It was pretty damn close, but the cancer was looking better by the hour.
How did a son of his end up gay? No one in his family was queer. They were all hearty old Irishmen like him. No one was like that little poof Brian had been friends with in school. Michael something. Now that kid was a fairy! Maybe it was his fault? Maybe it was Michael's influence and not something wrong in the family? Yeah, he liked that idea. Until that train of thought made him wonder if maybe Brian and Michael had been more than friends? Jack shuddered at the thought and vowed never to let his thoughts venture in that direction again. Ugh. That would kill him faster than the cancer!
The cancer. He was dying. There was no escaping that fact, so why did Brian decide to tell him now? In a few more months and it wouldn't have mattered! He'd be gone and none the wiser. He could have gone to his grave envying his son for life he had. The kind of life Jack always wanted and never got. Brian had good looks, money, success and few responsibilities. He could work or play as hard as he wanted and there was no one to nag him about it. All the things Jack had wanted out of life, and didn't get. All of that was shattered by two little words. "I'm gay."
Where had he gone wrong? It seemed as though life was going to continue kicking him in the nuts right up until the last possible moment.
"How about a refill, Jack?"
Jack looked a bit dazed as he finally realized someone was talking to him. Tommy, one of his oldest hall buddies, was standing beside the table offering him a glass.
"Oh, thanks." He downed the drink in one gulp.
"Take it easy, Jack."
The men sat in silence for a while, before Tommy decided to see if Jack was going to spill or not.
"So what's the problem, Jack?"
"Problem? What problem?"
"Don't play dumb with me. Anyone with eyes can see something is wrong. You're usually the life of the party and here you are hiding in a corner looking like someone died. Did someone die?"
"Not yet."
Tommy was confused now. "Who's dying, Jack?"
"Me."
"WHAT?"
"You heard me. I've got cancer."
"Geez, no wonder you look so bad. How bad is it?"
"Bad enough. Started in my lungs, but now it's everywhere."
"When did you find out?"
"Last summer."
"Wha…?" Wait, now he was confused again. "You've known since last summer and haven't said anything?"
"I wasn't going to say anything to anyone but The Warden insisted. I had to tell the kids the other day."
"Oh." Tommy nodded, knowing all too well about the battles between Jack and Joan.
"So what happened tonight that's got you hiding in a corner?"
Jack was silent for a long time. He wasn't sure if he could or would answer.
"Brian paid me a visit tonight." Tommy wasn't sure which one of them was more startled when Jack finally spoke. Jack looked more surprised by the sound of his own voice than Tommy was that he was actually opening up.
"Brian? Is he okay?"
A snort was the only thing Jack could do for an answer.
Okay…. Tommy figured he was going to have to pull this out word by word. Whatever it was, it didn't seem good.
"Brian still works for that fancy ad agency, right?"
Another snort. "Yep, Mr. Successful is still rolling in dough."
"Is he sick?"
Jack damn near choked on that one. "That's a loaded question."
Tommy sighed and silently thanked God that his relationship with his kids was better than Jack and Joan's. Family was important to him and he couldn't even imagine having the kind of family dynamic the Kinney's did. Tommy signaled Mike for another round. Liquor always had a way of loosening Jack's lips.
"So, is Brian sick or not?"
"He's healthy, I guess."
"Okay," Tommy wasn't sure what to make of that answer. Mike set the next round down and left quickly. Both men picked up their glasses.
"So, he's not sick and he's not unemployed. Did he get some girl pregnant?"
Jack did choke then.
Tommy watched Jack's reaction trying to put together the clues in what he wasn't saying since what he was saying hadn't gotten them anywhere yet. Joan was a major bible banger, an out of wedlock grandchild would certainly get her this upset, and more, but it was hard to imagine Jack caring one way or another. And this was obviously just a Brian issue. Jack hadn't mentioned Claire at all.
When he finally stopped coughing, Tommy was still waiting for an answer.
"Not hardly."
"So then what's the problem? Just spit it out Jack. It's obviously eating you up."
Jack was silent again. He was trying to decide if he could say this out loud and in the Union Hall no less. What would the guys say when they found out? He'd be a laughing stock! He'd never be able to show his face again. He didn't have much time left, but he wanted to enjoy what he could of it. The Hall was one of the few places he could be sure The Warden wouldn't come after him.
Tommy went over it all in his head again. Jack lost it over the pregnant thing, but why, if there wasn't really a pregnant girl involved? Then Jack's odd answer about Brian's health came back to him. It was an interesting choice of words. Tommy and Jack had been in the Union together for over 35 years. He'd watched Brian grow up and turn into a good looking, smart, successful man. But he couldn't really remember Jack ever talking about Brian being in a relationship. An idea had formed in Tommy's mind, but it almost didn't seem possible. Brian? But then, if he was right, it would explain Jack's behavior perfectly.
Tommy's sister had a son who was gay and he could remember how hard it was for their Irish Catholic family to come to terms with it, but they had. His nephew had moved to Philly years ago to attend college and stayed after graduation. Nowadays he only saw Robert when he came in for holidays. Much like Brian, Robert was smart, successful and single. Neither of the boys fit the old stereotypes.
"Jack, does Brian have a girlfriend?"
The derisive snort was more than enough of an answer.
"Jack is Brian gay?" Tommy braced himself. God only knew how Jack was going to react.
Jack's head whipped up to look at Tommy. How in the hell did he know? He'd have punched Tommy had he not been so shocked.
"Keep your voice down!" Jack demanded in a harsh whisper.
"Well?"
"How the fuck did you know? Did he tell you? Does it show?"
"No, Jack. He didn't. I guessed. And I'm guessing he only just told you."
Ah fuck, that's just what he needed was for the guys in the Hall to be able to tell Brian was a fairy just by looking at him! If there was a God, Jack hoped he'd kill him off quickly because at this rate, there would be no peace at all in the last few months of his life.
"Yeah, Sonny Boy paid me a little visit tonight. Just to tell me that. Like I don't have enough on my mind already with the cancer and The Warden nagging me every minute, my son decides he can't let me die in peace and just has to tell me he's a fairy."
Tommy wasn't sure he'd ever understand what went on between Brian and Jack, but maybe, just maybe he could make Jack see that this wasn't the worst thing that could happen either.
"Jack, I've been listening to you go on and on for years about how Brian was living the life. Those were your words. We've all heard about his fancy job, how well he was doing. Hell, we've all seen him come in here and give you money."
Jack's head whipped up again. He was going to have whiplash at the rate this conversation was going. How did Tommy know about the money?
Tommy caught the death glare he was getting and realized Jack was not taking this the way he intended.
"I'm not mentioning the money to make you look bad. What I'm saying, is that in your own way, you've been proud of Brian for years. And he's been there for you." You were jealous of him up until now, Tommy added silently.
"So?" What did any of that matter now?
"So? So, does he still have the same job?"
"Yeah."
"Does he still have the same place to live? Car to drive? Same amount of money?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Five minutes before Brian told you he was gay, would you have traded places with him if you could?"
That wasn't a fair question! Jack looked away. He wasn't nearly drunk enough for this kind of shit.
"I'll take your silence as a yes."
Jack just signaled for another round.
"Okay then, why is anything different now? He's still the same Brian. He's a grown man who has obviously kept this from you for a long time. He's been gay all this time. You just didn't know it. Why does it matter now that you know?"
Mike dropped off the fresh drinks and Jack knocked his back quickly.
"Where the fuck is this coming from, Tommy? Are you going to tell me you're a fairy now, too?" Jack's words were harsh and low. Could this day really get worse?
"No Jack, I'm not gay. I'm just trying to make you see that it isn't such a big deal."
"How the hell can you say that? It is a big deal!"
"I can say that because I have a nephew who is gay. I've already had time to process this and get used to the idea that it doesn't matter."
"Tell that to the rest of the guys in this room! Tell that to Saint Joan!"
"Joan doesn't know yet?"
"I doubt it. If she did, she'd probably never leave the fucking church. She'd be praying for his soul or some shit like that."
Wow. This was one messed up family.
"So he trusted you."
That seemed to stop Jack for a second.
"Jack, I get it. I really do. I won't tell anyone, but just think about what I said. Brian has been this way for a long time, you just didn't know it. He must have had a reason to trust you now when he could have easily just let it go and let the cancer take care of everything. Just think about things before you do anything, okay? See ya tomorrow."
Tommy gave him a pat on the shoulder as he got up from the booth. He paid for their drinks and headed home. He was going to give his wife a big hug and do something romantic for her. The animosity between Jack and Joan Kinney never ceased to amaze him.
Jack stayed at the Hall until closing and then headed back to the house. Joan was no where in sight and that was just fine with him. She was probably upstairs with her rosary and her bible. And her communion wine. Saint Joan, hah! He poured another drink and went back to the garage. The boxes he had pulled out earlier were still there, including the one spilled over from Brian's punch. That had been some punch. Jack was sure it was going to be him on the receiving end of it, but Brian hadn't hit him.
Which was more than Jack could say.
As he picked up the box, he noticed some old pictures. Taking the pictures and his drink, he sat down at the workbench and sorted through them. Some dance thing of Claire's from when she was little. A very small Claire in a Halloween costume. Claire's blowing out three candles on a cake. A lot of pictures of Claire, a few of him and Joan from their younger days. Were they ever really that young? Or that happy? They looked happy, but he couldn't remember it. More pictures of little Claire. Where were the pictures of Brian? Finally, near the bottom of the pile, he found one. According to the notation on the back, Brian was four months old.
Jack stared at the picture for a long time. He looked happy in that picture. He was smiling and Brian seemed content in his arms. Why was it that he couldn't ever remember actually feeling that way though?
God knew it had come up in enough fights over the years to be a family joke of sorts, but Jack hadn't wanted kids. When Claire was born, he figured he could deal with it, but by the time Joan announced she was pregnant with Brian, he knew he couldn't. He was already feeling trapped and unhappy and adding another kid to the mix didn't seem like a good solution. He had wanted her to get rid of it, but she refused. Looking back now, it was then that she really started to turn to the church more and more.
The more pregnant she got, the more angry Jack got. Things were tense until the day Brian was born. Jack had refused to go to the hospital with her when she went into labor. But when her sister called with the news that it was a boy, he went down. He had a son and there was just something different about a son than a daughter. Maybe they could make it work after all.
Brian wasn't a fussy baby. He always seemed to be watching what was going on around him. Quietly taking it all in. He was a fast learner and had hit all the milestones early. Jack seemed to remember being proud about that.
By the time Brian had started school though, he and Joan weren't getting along at all. His desire to be a free man and her growing devotion to the church were always at odds. The more he wanted to play, the more she wanted him to settle down. The kids getting older didn't help the situation either. Claire was a quiet, mousy kid who seemed content to quietly exist in the background for a long time. But not Brian, he was the polar opposite. He got good grades in school, played sports and always seemed to be off somewhere. He would make up extra work for Brian to do around the house just so he'd have less time to be out running around with his friends. Clearly, Brian had gotten the looks in the family, too.
Given what Brian was becoming, Jack was filled with resentment. Not that he could seen it then, but it was there. Angry with his own kid for being smarter and better looking. God, how pathetic. More so because not much had changed over the years. He still resented Brian. He was still jealous – or at least he had been until earlier this evening.
Jack could clearly remember the first time his own father hit him. The shock and the emotional hurt of his father striking him hurting more than the physical pain itself. Jack had been surprised that first time and tried to avoid future occurrences as much as possible.
Thinking about it now, he realized that there was never that look of surprise or shock on Brian's face that first time. Hurt, yes, it was hard to cover that up. Contempt, yes, that was there, too. But he couldn't recall any trace of surprise. It was like Brian had been expecting it all along. Had he known, even at that early age that Jack didn't want him?
Over the years, Brian's fiercely independent streak grew and so did Jack's anger. Sure, there were times when things seemed fine. Joan forced them to act like a family, mostly so her church ladies wouldn't know what a farce their marriage was. He could pick out moments here and there that were almost fun, like taking Brian bowling with him, but more often then not he could remember the fights. Whether he was fighting with Joan or fighting with Brian, there always seemed to be a fight. Brian was living a seemingly carefree life and Jack hated him for it. Whenever he had the chance to (literally) knock the boy down a few notches, he did.
Jack spent most of the night looking over his life with new eyes. Is what they meant when people say things like "your life flashes before your eyes" when you know you're going to die? There had been so many fights, trips to the doctor, excuses to be invented. So much anger, so much hate. So little happiness for any of them. Did they even know how to be happy? It was painfully obvious now that he knew nothing about Brian's childhood or his private life now, but Jack and Joan had been dragged into Claire's life more often than he'd ever wanted. She was always running to Mommy when things didn't work out like some damn romance novel. Joan, of course, dragged him into it whenever she felt Claire "needed her father."
Again though, he found himself thinking, what about Brian? He could recall being forced to sit through dozens of school events for Claire, but he couldn't recall ever being in attendance for even one of Brian's. And there had to have been some. He had shelves lined with trophies in his bedroom from the sports he'd played and he'd gotten in to that hot shot university of his on a scholarship, so there had to have been games or awards banquets or something, right? So why hadn't they ever been there? There were pictures in the box from all different stages of Claire's life, but so few of Brian.
Had both of his parents resented him?
Jack had always thought it was just him, but looking back, again – god was this introspection ever going to end? Looking back, Joan was never really close to Brian either, at least not that he knew. As Jack had escaped to his drinking buddies and his bowling league, Joan had withdrawn to her church. He couldn't remember Joan doing any of the usual "motherly" things like PTA or parties or field trips. She spent time with Claire even now, but he could not remember either of them ever spending a lot of time with Brian. Joan and Claire still went to church together, but he could only recall Brian going as a young kid. Joan had even forced him to be an altar boy for a while. Then somewhere around age ten? Or was it nine? Or eleven? Jack couldn't remember exactly, Brian was always tall for his age and it made him look older. But he could clearly remember the day Brian and Joan came home fighting and Sonny Boy hadn't gone to mass again.
Chuckling to himself, he could almost find that fight funny now. Joan had been furious. Brian had flat out refused to go back to church with her after mass one Sunday. He never did find out why, but it had been quite the fight between Joan and Brian. Joan yelling at him that he had to go back, that he had no choice in the matter and Brian calmly telling her that there wasn't a force on earth that could make him go back. Joan had just laughed at that and brought Jack into the kitchen. Jack had thought Brian was just being defiant at the time and gave him a split lip for his trouble, but later he had to admit he'd been impressed at the way Brian had refused to give up, even in the face of physical punishment. Since he'd never been big on the church in the first place and blamed it for a good many of his marriage problems, he'd silently sided with Brian on that one and let it go after that smack in the kitchen. Didn't want the boy to get too cocky and all that.
He wondered now what exactly happened at mass that day. Brian had hated going for a long time, but something had to have happened to make him risk both Jack and Joan's tempers. A better father would know this stuff, he thought as he ran his fingers over the pictures spread across his workbench.
A better father would have been at his son's graduation. High school and college. Brian had gotten those scholarships and moved out the day of graduation. He had resented Brian for living a better life so much, he'd pretty much written the kid off. Joan demanded Brian attend a few holiday dinners over the years, but that was it. Later when Brian started getting more successful, he'd decided that the boy could be useful and managed to see him every few months at the Hall. Brian showed up faithfully, envelope at the ready each time.
Some father he'd turned out to be. He knew he shouldn't have ever been a family man. At least Brian wouldn't turn out like him. If his son was into men, he wouldn't ever have kids at least.
Maybe Tommy was right. Maybe it wasn't such a big deal. Brian was still a good looking kid who had a great job, a fancy place to live, plenty of money and no one to nag him when he was out playing with the boys. Jack was jealous right up until the moment Brian uttered those two words. Brian was better than him and always would be. He'd made something of himself and the fact that he could have easily knocked Jack on his ass with that punch, but didn't, proved he was a better man as well. He picked up the picture of Brian as a baby. Sonny Boy had grown up well in spite of everything he and Joan had done, or not done. So what if he was a fag?
Who was he kidding? It mattered. A lot. But he only had a few months left and he probably wouldn't see Brian all that much anyway. Maybe he could do one thing right for Sonny Boy. He tucked the picture into his coat pocket and headed in to get a few hours rest before The Warden came looking for him. His little clean up project was driving her crazy and she never missed the chance to let him know it.
"Hey Sonny Boy, anyone home?" The beat up metal door was partially open. The place really did look like a dump from the outside, but it was anything but on the inside. It dripped money and elegance and a taste for the finer things in life. Was that a success thing or a gay thing?
"What are you doing here?" Brian emerged half dressed, his voice dripping with scorn. Well, he hadn't expected a warm welcome, now had he? But what exactly did he interrupt? Maybe he wasn't ready for this after all.
"I'll only be a minute." He put his hands up in an attempt at peace. "I found something when I was going through some boxes and I thought you might want it. He handed over the picture. "That's me and you when you were four months old."
"Why are you smiling?"
"It's a photograph, isn't that what you're supposed to do?" Even though he had resolved to do better, that didn't make it easy to be nice or sentimental when it was so hard for him to remember days that had been happy.
"I don't want it." And no, it didn't feel too good when Brian tossed the picture on the floor and walked away.
"You might change your mind one day when I'm gone!" Joan wasn't the only one who could work the guilt thing.
"I doubt it." And yeah, Sonny Boy made sure to look right at him. Defiant as always.
"You know you could really pack a whallop for a fag." Not the classiest apology ever, but Brian would recognize it for what it was. Acceptance.
Brian hadn't shut him up, but he hadn't come back either, so Jack kept moving toward the bedroom. Hoping that this was still going in his favor since the door hadn't been slammed in his face yet and no one else had emerged from the bedroom in a state of undress.
"Just don't tell your mother, you understand?" Hell no, Joan would have a stroke over this and she'd never be okay with it. Her precious bible wouldn't let her. "She'll be at fricking mass three times a day praying for…" and what the hell is this? Lindsay Peterson. Yeah, I remember her. Brian used to bring her around sometimes. We assumed she was a girlfriend. Oh! Maybe that was the point? But what is she doing here on his bed while he's half dressed? A baby gurgled. That's right Brian had been watching a boy when he'd been over the other night.
"You still think you're a ladies man?" Brian finally spoke up from the corner he had retreated to earlier.
"You have yourself a beautiful son." He looked to Brian for some sign that he should stay, but didn't see one. Well, at least he could say he tried. Maybe it had been too late, but he had made the effort. "Well, I guess I'll be on my way."
"There's someone else I want you to say hello to." The voice stopped him and he turned back around to see Brian holding the baby. "Your grandson."
What the fuck?
"My grandson?" Was Brian ever going to stop shocking him? But he felt his feet moving toward the bedroom again where Brian had the baby snuggled up close to his face. Yeah, there was a resemblance that he hadn't noticed the other night. But how?
"What the fuck's going on? Are you screwing with me Sonny Boy?"
"No, I'm not screwing with you." A look to Lindsay confirmed this was for real.
"Jack, would you like to hold him?"
Would I? Yeah, I would. Surprisingly, I really would.
"Oh I…It's been a while you know, since I held a baby, but yeah." Claire's boys were always so loud as babies! I could never stand to be around for very long. This little boy seemed to have that same quiet disposition Brian had. He didn't even cry when I held him.
Brian walked away, but as Lindsay was telling me the boy's name was Gus, I noticed him picking the picture up off the floor.
It took Brian a while to come back around to Lindsay, Gus and I. Eventually we moved to the living room and played with Gus some more while I found out things like how old he was and how Brian had come to have a son. It certainly wasn't the night I had planned on, but I'm glad I did it. Sonny Boy always had this quiet defiance about him as a kid. Like he was determined to do things his own way, but he wasn't loud or in your face about it. He just did it. I'll admit to hating that trait when he was a kid. I tried more than once to knock it out of him, but now, I'm glad I didn't succeed. It's obviously served him well and he'll need it to continue to survive in a world full of people like The Warden. Brian's son is beautiful and after seeing them together, even for this short time, I can see that their relationship will be nothing like ours. Sonny Boy deserved better from us. I'm glad Gus will get better from him.
When Lindsay leaves, I decide it's a good time for me to go, too. I noticed a drawing on the counter as we pass by. It's of Brian and Gus and damn good. Gus is curled up sleeping on Brian's chest and the look on Brian's face clearly shows his love for his son. I don't know who the artist is, but the way Brian's face softens for a split second before he gets his mask back in place tells me it's someone special. He carefully takes the sketch and puts it in his desk. He's almost reverent with it and Lindsay is just glowing as she watches him. I'm not sure I want to know. It may be more than I'm willing to know.
We all walk down together and see them off. Before I drive away, I decide to offer one more thing and let Brian decide what to do with it.
"The boys and I will be at the Hall tomorrow night for poker. Stop by if you're not busy." Brian looks like he's landed in an episode of Twilight Zone. "Oh and bring a picture of Gus. I want to show Tommy O'Brien he's not the only one with a good looking grandson!"
Sonny Boy looks nothing less than stunned as I drive away. I have no idea if he'll show up tomorrow or if I'll even see him again before the cancer gets me, but at least I know I've done one thing right by him in this lifetime. The fact that I get a grandson no one in the family but me knows about is a great bonus.