A/N: Okay, I'm seriously considering writing a chapter story based from this one-shot so read, review, and vote on my poll :D Please and thank you, my lovelies! :DDD
"Umm, mastah?" The blue-eyed robot squeaked, chewing on a waffle.
Looking up from the computer screen, Zim raised his antennae. "GIR, can't you see this?!" His voice rose and fell from whisper to yell. "ZIM is on the brink of TOTAL Earth conquest! Here at last, after thirteen stinking HYOOMUN years, ZIM has finally discovered the way to conquer the pig-smelly's planet!"
"Mastah?"
Zim sighed before turning a ruby-eyed gaze to the robot. "Yes, GIR?"
"Umm, Mastah Gaz says that if you don't get up there soon and help her with Zan, she will launch you into a nightmare world from which there is no waking." GIR giggled before bouncing around the room. "I loves scary lady and I loves you, mastah! So go before scary lady hurt you and you can't eat waffles no more!"
His antennae drooped and he closed his eyes. "Did she say what was wrong with Zan?"
"Nooooo," the little robot droned. "But Zan won't stop crying." He gave out a loud laugh and clapped his hands. "Scary lady even tried doing a funny dance for her!"
"Computer!" Zim barked. "Give Zim a piggy!"
Almost immediately, a round, squeaky pig shot from a pipe connected to the mainframe of Zim's computer. He grabbed it and headed for the elevator, snapping at it to send him the main floor.
"Say pleease!" GIR said, hugging Zim's leg.
"Please," he murmured.
The doors slammed shut and two could feel themselves rising from floor to floor as a cheery tune filled the elevator. Zim ran a hand through his slick black hair that had long since grown around his two antennae and took a deep breath. He fiddled his thumbs and shuffled his feet while GIR bounced left and right, humming the annoying jingle.
When at last they stepped into his living room, Gaz was waiting. Her shoulder length hair snaked around her face in five deadly spikes and her amber eyes shone with a vicious gleam that would send most men fleeing for their mothers. Her face was contorted in anger as she snarled, low and lethal.
The love struck Irken grinned and planted a kiss on his beloved's cheek. "Hello, my love-pig." He whispered in her ear.
Squirming her way out of his grasp, she pointed at the thirteen month old baby crying in the floor. "Fix it. Now."
Zim walked over to their child and cradled her in his arms. She stopped crying instantly. "Shh," he cooed, handing her the pig and wiping the tears from her face. "Daddy is here, my little smeet."
Zan's tear filled brown eyes looked up at him with trust and love. Her antennae curled into her soft tufts of purple hair and she snuggled with her new toy. She was equal in size to the piggy, and pale green in complexion. The two mingled perfectly: piggy and smeet.
"She is not a smeet," Gaz growled, planting herself next to her lover. "She is a baby."
Shrugging his shoulders, he refused to tear his eyes away from his child. "Smeet, baby, the title matters not. Zim would love her no matter her name." Zan yawned and a slow smile spread across his lips. "Zim will always love his little smeet."
Rolling her eyes, Gaz picked up her Game Slave 6 and began to play. "I've been thinking that maybe you and I should go out on a date. Get some time away from your evil schemes. Maybe go see a movie. Perhaps the one about those really ugly aliens that take over Earth."
Zim scoffed. "Ugly? I hardly doubt that any alien who could take over earth would be ugly! Like ZIM!"
"Do you mean you can hardly believe?" Gaz teased, nudging her husband's green arm.
"What? Oh yes, the Gaz-thing is right."
In the years leading up to their marriage, Gaz had learned to be a little more open with Zim. It had taken quite some time to get her to trust him fully, but once she had, the two frequently engaged in open conversations. She even tried to show emotion around him, for his sake. Zim knew that she loved him, even if it were in her own strange, somewhat scary way. And the pale green child in his arms was proof of her love.
"Gaz," he started, his antennae standing straight. "If we go out for a date, will we have to leave Zan?"
She squinted at him from around her Game Slave. "Well, yeah. We haven't had any alone time since she was born, and you never leave her side unless you have to."
"Hmm. We aren't going then."
"Zim," Gaz snarled. "This one of those times when you have to leave her. Just for a little while."
"Nope. Zim does not leave his smeet."
Twenty minutes later, Gaz was waiting in the car- the voot cruiser disguised as a car- and Zim was reading off a final checklist to GIR.
"Make sure you feed her. You can order any pizza you want, just don't get one with meat." He said frantically, still clinging to Zan. "And be sure to give her at least two bottles of milk, one while she's eating and one before she goes to bed."
"Mhmmm."
"Make sure that the one before she goes to bed is warm, but don't make it too hot. I don't want my smeet's mouth burned."
"Mhmmmmmm."
"If she starts to smell bad, change her diaper." He thrust a pink carrier bag at GIR who immediately grabbed it. "Everything you'll need is in here. There's-"
"ZIM!" Gaz shouted from the car. "We're going to be late. And you know how I hate to be late!"
Zim sighed and squatted down to GIR's side. "And if she starts crying, give her this." He handed GIR the small pink pig doll and gave it a squeeze. "Then tell her daddy loves her."
Gaz started yelling again and Zim placed Zan into the little robot's arms gingerly, warning him to mind her head. He kissed her forehead and headed for the door.
"And GIR?" He began, staying behind just one moment longer.
"Yes, mastah?"
"Take care of her. And Zim might let you make biscuits." He gave one last loving look at Zan, then closed the door and headed for the voot cruiser/car.
GIR waddled to the window and waved goodbye to Zim and Gaz. The moment they were out of sight, he pranced to the couch and laid the baby on it. He clicked the remote until the angry monkey flashed on the screen and then grabbed the house's phone.
"Hello? Bloaty's Pizza Hog? Yes, I'll take forty chocolate and anchovy pizzas, please!"
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Zim was gripping the seat when they pulled up to the theater. "Gaz, we need to go back."
Stepping out of the voot cruiser/car and into the parking lot, Gaz sighed and rolled her eyes. "No we don't, Zim."
"But what if she's crying?" His eyes were wide and his voice was full of panic. "Gaz, what if she needs her daddy?"
Gaz padded over to him and kissed his cheek. "I'm sure she's fine." She forced a less than convincing smile. "GIR is perfectly capable of watching Zan. Everything is okay."
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The music and flashing black lights drowned out Zan's cries. She had fallen over on the couch and the loud crashing hurt her head. People kept passing her by and ignoring her. Why were they doing that? Daddy wouldn't do that...
GIR was at the center of attention, passing out slices of chocolate and anchovy pizza as he danced. His party was going awesome! A had band shown up, someone had brought black lights, and there had even been a mosh pit!
For miserable Zan, though, this par-tay was a hell of terrors she had never before known. A tall creature passed by and picked her up. It's hair was sticking up and strange colors were smeared across it's face. It looked like the angry monkey.
"Oh. My. God. Sarah! Come look at this, like, baby!" Zan halted her tears as the woman lifted her in the air. Her head rolled back and she tried to steady it but couldn't. Oh well, at least someone was paying attention to her.
"Oh. My. God! Girl! It's so... ugly. What's on it's head?" The one deemed Sarah pulled out a few of Zan's hairs and yanked on her delicate antennae.
As an explosion of pain coursed around her small body, Zan screamed out as loudly as she could. Why does it hurt? Where is my daddy? Tears coursed down her cheeks and the girl flung her on the couch.
"Eww! It smells bad, too!" She cried, wiping her hands on her skirt. "I'm out of here!"
"Me, too!" As the girls began to leave, more and more people followed until only GIR was left dancing in the middle of the floor.
I want my daddy... Zan thought to herself as she watched the green dog wiggle around.
After a long time of watching GIR bouncing off the walls, he finally turned around to see Zan crying.
"Aww," he purred. "Is the little smeet sad?" He shuffled to her side and handed her the piggy. In an instant her tears had stopped and she curled into the pig. "And Mastah says he loves you. Now don't cry, Zan. I'll make you waffles and everything will be better!"
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As he sat in a dark theater and paid close attention to the movie flashing on the screen, Zim was pissed.
He had agreed to see "Nightmare From Beyond the Stars" only because of it's irony. Honestly, what self-respecting alien couldn't laugh at a movie about humans defeating an alien race as it attempted to conquer Earth while that particular alien watching the movie plotted for the same thing? Although, he would never have been as stupid as the creatures in this movie. Nor would the humans have been as intelligent.
As the main character, Admiral Jack Shelly, a home-grown farm boy with big dreams of the military, prepared to order the final attack on the otherworldly scum, Zim was ready to pulverize the whole human breed. Except Gaz.
"This is foolish HYOMUN propaganda!" Zim whisper-shouted. "No alien with any pride in his empire would ever-"
"SHHH!" someone called from behind him.
He stood and turned around. He raised his fist in the air and began shaking it at the unknown accuser. "SILENCE, you FILTHY earth-worm-"He leaned down to Gaz and breathed an apology. "For I am ZIM! You are dealing with powers you cannot being to comprehend! And you daren't face the wrath of ZIM!"
Zim felt a hand reach up and jerk him back into his seat. "Shut up, Zim. Or else you'll have to face the wrath of me."
Gulping as he recognized Gaz's threat, Zim slowly made himself comfortable and murmured to himself about the incompetence and nonsensical logic of hyomans. ("No, offense, my love-pig.")
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GIR had finally decided to feed Zan, but she wasn't taking lightly to the pizza. Or his waffles. Or his taquitoes. As she spit up the eighth anchovy on to GIR's green dog suit, he sighed. This babysitting business was much more serious than he thought.
He'd woken up many a night to hear Zan crying and marched to her bedroom to find Zim rocking and whispering to her until she fell asleep again. Often he'd wonder why his master was so happy and so ready to begin the day when he stayed up 'till all hours with the little smeet. At first he believed it to be his master's final plan to take over Earth. Recently, he'd been saying the he was a hair's width from discovering the major weakness that he could exploit. But now he truly understood.
Because Zim was mad. As a hatter. He had taken one to many tacos to the head.
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"ZIM!" Gaz screeched. She was pushed back in her seat by the force of his driving.
Zim, on the other hand, was leaning over the directional board, shooting in and out from between cars. "We're going home, Gaz!" He shouted. "ZIM is going home to his little smeet!"
As soon as the movie had let out, he had grabbed Gaz and raced for the exit. He had shoved women and children alike aside in his desperate odyssey from the theater. He had jerked Gaz along (causing her to spill her popcorn and drink all over herself), politely stopped to open her door, shoved her inside, and barreled off at the speed of light. It wasn't really the speed of light, as he'd so graciously informed her, but it was as fast as they could go without getting caught.
"Driving on the road isn't fast enough. We need more room." Zim grumbled.
"What do you expect us to do? Fly!" Gaz sarcastically retorted, still pressed in her seat.
"Precisely."
"Oh why do I bother asking?"
Speeding up, the voot cruiser shot into the air and throttled in the direction of Zim's base.
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GIR was holding Zan in one arm while he capped the bottle. He took a short swing of the creamy milk and shuddered as the ice cold liquid chilled him. "Hmm," he said as he thought for a long moment.
Humming to her and himself, he waddled to the microwave. He placed the plastic bottle inside and heated it up for three minutes. Taking it out after the timer went off with a jolly beep, he took a short swig.
GIR clawed at the sky with his free hand and screeched as the liquid fire burned down his throat. He threw the bottle at the wall and screamed even more just for emphasisis.
Zan looked up at the silly robot and laughed, a merry tinkling compared to that of her parents. She grabbed at his pink tongue and snuggled with it as he went to the fridge looking for more milk.
"Ih appeahs tha we'reh aull ou of milk, Than." She giggled again and he went to pick up the bottle. He went to the sink and filled it up with cold water. "Ouh weall. Thith ith the nexth betht thing."
He traipsed from the kitchen to the couch and hopped up. Zan let go of GIR's tongue and looked up at him with a twinge of fear. She knew all too well what that clear, cold liquid was stored in the bottle of death. And she knew she would not be drinking it any time soon.
"Baby want some water?" he delicately placed the cold bottle in her hands.
GIR meant her no harm. GIR would never have hurt a fly! Unless that fly were Dib. Or a waffle. But being painfully "advanced", GIR didn't fully understand what the water would do to her. Zan pulled her head away as GIR continued to push the bottle closer and closer to her mouth.
"Zan-nie I'm home!" Zim finished, bursting through the door.
"Mastah!" GIR cried, waving the bottle in the air. "Zan won't drink her water!"
Antennae standing to their full length, Zim flew from where he had been standing to GIR's side. He snatched up Zan and dashed to the other side of the room, shooting GIR a glance that only Zim could have given the innocent droid.
Zab didn't care what happened anymore. A bright smile graced her visage and a merry laugh flowed from her. Her daddy was home! No more mean, ugly, angry monkeys pulling her hair. No more nasty fishes. No more loud music or bright lights. Just her daddy and her piggy.
"Did GIR hurt you, my little Zan?" Zim cooed, running a tender hand down her antennae. After babbiling incoherently, the proud father knew his smeet would be alright. He snuggled her close to his chest and squeezed her gently.
"Don't worry, my precious smeet. Daddy will never leave you again."
A/N: And so? Review, my lovelies, and I shall give thee Great Holy Waffles of Pure Holy Greatness!