She was everything you could ever want in a woman. She had that kind of hair that was just naturally gorgeous, bronze skin that reflected perfectly in the sunlight, a smile that could make you lose your train of thought, and a killer body that would make even a blind man look twice. Not to mention her 'girl next door' personality. Sweet and wholesome, yet so brave and strong. And her voice...God, her voice. It's like those tapes you listen to when you're stressed out and need some relaxation. I could listen to her speak for years and never get annoyed or bored. She is the true definition of beauty inside and out. She is the kind of girl that all the guys want, and all the girls want to be. She is so genuine, so loveable, so adorable, so...perfect. Yes, Emily Fields is the perfect woman. And I, Paige McCullers, am far from perfect.
Whistle blows
"McCullers! What are you doing out there! Did you forget that we're the Rosewood Sharks? You're swimming like my four-year-old niece..."
Shit. Why does Emily Fields have to be on this swim team? It's bad enough that I am constantly thinking about her everywhere else, but having to actually see her in the one place where I can finally escape from it all and just do what I do best is too much. "Sorry coach. I got a little...distracted."
"Well, make sure it doesn't happen again. We have our swim meet in a week and we need to stay focused if we want to keep our winning streak. You're one of our best swimmers Paige. Your team is counting on you."
"I just lost focus for a little bit, but it won't happen again. I promise. Consider me 100% shark!"
"Good. That's what I like to hear."
As coach is walking away, I notice someone out of the corner of my eye walking towards me. I look over to see who it is, and notice that it's none other than Emily Fields. The way she walks in that swimsuit is almost surreal. Suddenly, everything else was blurry and all I could see was her. It was like those movie scenes where the hot babe is walking down the hall in slow motion with the wind blowing in her hair. I was stuck in a movie, and it was starring Emily Fields. I snap out of it and realize that my intentional glance has turned into a full on stare. I quickly look away, hoping she didn't notice.
"Hey, Paige!"
"What do you want Fields."
"I just wanted to see what's up with you. You seemed a little out of it today."
"Yeah? Well it's none of your business."
"Well, your swimming affects this whole team, so if something is making you off your game then it's the whole team's business. Look, I'm just trying to help."
"I just checked out for a few minutes, but I'm back. You, however, checked out for a few months. Let's not forget who's been the one holding this team together during your absence. You want to help? Then stay out of my way and let someone who actually cares about this team worry about this team." Seeing the hurt in her eyes was killing me, but I had to keep my poker face.
"You may have been the one holding the team together while I was gone, but I'm back now, more focused than ever. Let's not forget who coach picked for anchor next week, Paige."
Before I even got the chance to respond, she turned and walked away. I let out a breath that I didn't even realize I was holding in as I watched her walk towards a few of the other girls. That was close.
I hate being harsh, but I can't let her see how I really feel about her. There was a point where she really did make my blood boil though. When I saw her with Maya, it disgusted me. I hated her, and I hated seeing her with Maya. I eventually realized that the reason I hated her so much was not because of who she was, but because of who I was. I was just like her. What she had with Maya was so tender and passionate. It was different than seeing a guy and a girl together. It was something I wanted. It was something I had wanted my whole life, but never had the courage to admit it to myself. I wanted to be with a woman. And I hated it.
I still hate it, but I know now that there's nothing I can do about it, except hide it. Yes, I love Emily, but I can't ever be with her. I can't ever be with any woman. There's no way. If my parents ever found out, they would disown me for sure. Not to mention everyone at school. What would people think of me? I can't go through that humiliation. People would never look at me the same way ever again. So, instead I just dream about being with Emily. Being gay is something that belongs in the dream world, not the real world. I can be whoever I want there, but not here. Here, I am the Paige McCullers that loves to swim, win, and most certainly, loves boys.