It started out as a feeling
which then grew into a hope
which then turned into a quiet thought
which then turned into a quiet word
but then that word grew louder and louder
until it was a battle cry
you'll come back
when they call you
No need to say goodbye.
She's gone faster than I can blink. Gone completely. Not even a body to cradle, to cry over. Nothing. Everything changes in that blink. M'Gann's cry shatters my thought process, interupts all reasoning, logical thoughts of It's OK, and You'll see her when you wake up, turning this from a hazardous game of Capture The Flag and into a wordless parade of grief that washes over me and the only thing going through my mind is Not Her, Please, God, Anyone, Not Her! Game? Not a game. Real life. I don't even register the change. My whole being is taken up with Not Her, like I've forgotten everything else. Gone forever, like her. I join my voice with Megan's, our entwined cries roaring through the minds and ears of our companions, louder and louder, as if we can somehow call her back. Gone forever.
And then, thankfully, I wake up in my bed, and remember that it really was just a game, an exercise, nothing more. There's a dim light on my bedside table, casting shadows over my bed, chair, and other objects, creating a world unknown to me. But it's still my room. I sit up, pushing my red sheets aside. It was just a dream, I tell myself, but it wasn't. It actually happened. I had to watch it happen, live through a nightmare of my worst fears, courtesy of the girl I thought I knew and loved. And the one I thought I didn't care about . . .
The worst part about it is that I can't go back. I can't forget what happened like I forgot that it didn't. I can't pretend I don't care anymore, though I've tried. The nightmare is over, but it revisits me almost every night, always the same. I lie to everyone, smile like it's OK, joke during inappropriate times, act like I always do. Except for at 3:14 in the morning when I can't go back to sleep and I'm still shaking and sweaty from a nightmare and I'm acutely aware of the fact that Artemis is sleeping just down the hall and it would only take a second-not even a second-to be there. I fight that temptation, knowing she'd kill me. But-if only to gain some peace of mind-I have to.
Logic, my constant companion and often my friend, tells me that she's fine, and that I'm stupid for letting a dream convince me otherwise. It was just a dream, long over now, and there's no need to slink into Artemis's room like a creeper to check up on her, because it's not like you have some kind of claim to do that, you're not her boyfriend or even her friend at all, and why should you care at all? That's what logic says, but at the moment, I'm not listening. I'm thinking of the time Artemis asked me if I ever got tired of being wrong, and thinking about how, yes, I do get sick of my so-called logic failing me, and that maybe if I listened to it less, maybe things will be better.
I stand in her doorway and mouth "Hello, beautiful.", the first thing I'd thought when I saw her. That was before I knew how self-satisfied and antagonistic she could be. Not to mention sarcastic, infuriating, and anti-social. Man, I love her. I rest my temple against the doorframe, headache pounding from my early wake-up and subsiquent lack of sleep. I can just see her, a shadowy lump on her dark bed in her dark bedroom. It isn't often that she stays here at headquarters, but for me, it's like a second home. Her room is the only one I haven't explored top-to-bottom, not out of any kind of respect, but because I know she'd make my life a misery if I did.
"You gonna stand there all night or suck it up and come in?" I jump. I've been standing in dark and quiet for so long, Artemis's words surprise me. "I didn't know you were awake." I say softly. "I didn't want you mistaking me for an intruder." I go in. "You are an intruder." she mumbles, but she sounds more sleepy than menacing, so I'm not too worried. "Any reason why you decided to pull a creeper at-" she hauls herself up to look at her digital alarm clock and groans. "Wally. 3:30 AM is too early for you to bug me." She falls back down, bouncing slightly. "Go away." Her voice is now muffled by her pillow, which she's pulled over her face. I pull it off. "Stop that. Don't you know the dangers of suffocation?" I find myself staring into her face, the almost nonexistant light turning it into a skull-like mask. It makes me shiver. I can just make out her frown. "I'm serious, Baywatch. Get out of here." I walk to the door, then stop. I don't want to leave, now that I'm here. I pull the door shut.
"What the heck?" Artemis sounds more awake now, and more ticked. I wind my way through her now pitch-black room, holding my hands out until they hit her bed, and I sit on the end of it. "You're really being strange, you know that?" she demands. "Like, even stranger than usual."
"I had a nightmare." I say bleakly. It's easier to tell, now, when I can't see her face twisting into mockery or outrage. But when her voice comes, it's almost gentle. "You did?"
"Yeah. This girl I hadn't realized I cared for died. It was horrible. I kept hoping I could get her back, you know? And then somehting would happen and crush those hopes. I should have learned after a while, but I didn't. I just kept trying and crashing, until everyone had gone. Then I woke up and realized...it wasn't a dream." I don't hear anything from Artemis for a long time, and I wonder if she's mad or embarassed or what. When she does speak, though, it's not about my dream. "There's..something...I need to tell you. Should have told you a while ago."
"What?" Now I wish it wasn't dark, so I could see her, see if she's taking me for a ride. What could Artemis possibly have to say to me? "It's about my family. They're...not like most families."
"Neither is mine, if you've checked. Half of us can 'break the sound barrier in our sneakers' and still make it home for supper late." She laughs quietly, and I mentally cheer in unspoken victory. I made the resident Ice Queen laugh!
"What I'm trying to tell you...it's hard. For me. To be related to them. All I ever wanted was for us to be a family, a proper one...you know, Mom, Dad, sister you steal clothes from and go places with. That's all I wanted...still all I want. But it's...it's broken, and it's bigger than anything I can fix." She sounds so sad, I want to take her in my arms like a kid and rock her. But I know she wouldn't appreciate my pity, so instead I ask, "Artemis, what are you talking about? How is this something you should have told me?"
"Not just you. Everyone." She takes a breath. "But I was afraid you'd all judge me. I was afraid you wouldn't trust me. I was afraid you'd hate me." She says the last one with different emphasis, like she was afraid that I in particular would hate her. Like that was the worst thing in the world to her. "They said it didn't matter where I came from. They said I could tell you all whatever I wanted. The story about being Green Arrow's niece...that was just a cover. But I guess you got that by now." I hadn't, but I didn't let her know that. I wanted her to go on, curiousity now eating at me. "-For my own protection." she was saying. " Because the truth is..." another pause, then she says, all in one breath, "My father is Sportsmaster and my sister is Cheshire."
"Come again?" I lean forward, glad now of the darkness. "My-my father is a criminal. My mother used to be. My sister still is." If I didn't know better, I'd think Artemis was crying. The revelation shocks me, of course, but in a way, it brings relief. I knew there was somehting fishy about her story. Now I know why; it was just a story. I smile, even though she can't see, even though it's the last thing I feel like doing. "You know what? I'm glad you're alive. You can be the Joker's daughter for all I care. Just..."
"Just what?"
"Just don't give me any more reasons to have nightmares, OK? Because there's only so many confessions a guy can take."
I make her laugh for the second time tonight. I'm on a roll. "You..you don't hate me?" The way she says it, even she thinks it's a stupid question. "No. Do you mind that I dream about you?"
"Um-yes!"
"Pity." I'm leaning even closer now. I can feel the heat radiating off her. "Wally. Back off." she says.
"Or you'll do what?" I slide forward because my back is starting to hurt from all that leaning
"Scream for Kaldur or Conner."
"You? Pull a damsel in distress?" I gingerly close my arms around her, half believing her threat. "I doubt that, beautiful." She's rigid, tense. I love that, for once, she's the one stressing out here. "What did-"
"Beautiful. You. As in, I'm calling you beautiful, yes. In answer to your question." I'm not exactly making sense, but she gets the gist. "I knew you were acting strange." she breathes, and I feel her arms come around me. Glad of that, and that she's not going to scream, because that would be awkward and get me into a heck of a lot of trouble, glad my chance paid off, I hold her tighter, bury my face in her hair, all the things I wanted to do since I thought she died. It's OK, I tell myself, only this time, I think I'm starting to believe it.