Special thanks to: titania522, bubbles1425, lyndsaylovegood and joshifercrazy on tumblr for betaing and helping this story come together. And to nightlockinthecave on tumblr for the beautiful banner!
This was wrote for the 4th annual F4LLS. Thank you to all how donated.
I never knew that you could look into the face of the person you loved the most only to see the one person you hated most, until I looked into the face of my daughter. Its also hard to distinguish her features from mine or his. Her eyes are the only thing that doesn't match with either one of us. We both had olive skin and dark brown hair with gray eyes. My daughter matched that with her skin tone and silky dark brown hair, but her bright blue eyes are the part that baffles me. Maybe it's the recessive gene in me that gave her those eyes. And those eyes were my savior. But they didn't quite match my sister or mother's color of blue. I had only seen one other person with that color blue and I knew there was no way my daughter could be his, because the last time I saw him was the summer after senior year when I broke his heart.
But, I didn't always hate Gale. I actually loved, and still love him, but there was a point, and I still don't know when it happened, that our relationship went sour.
I never wanted children and finding out I was pregnant was one of the worst days of my life. I had just condemned an innocent life to the hell of this world. And I couldn't stand it. But Gale wouldn't sign off on the abortion, and of course we lived in the one part of the country that required both parents to sign off on an abortion. It was at this point that things fell apart. I was pissed at Gale for forcing this child on me and not caring for my well-being. I was sick for most of the pregnancy and was in the hospital on and off for those nine months, but Gale promised me it would be the best thing for us. That we would actually be a family since I was completely against us getting married. I came to grips with the idea the moment I felt her move the first time. At that moment, I knew, knew that I would do anything for her.
But I guess Gale thought differently, because right after Willow was born he started staying at work longer and always had business trips to take. He said he was doing it for the extra money, but little did I know he was out having a secret life, while I was at home trying to take care of the life I was forced into having because I believed in him I will never blame Willow for the things her father did to us, nor would I have hard feelings towards her for her being forced on me, but it's hard to not be bitter sometimes.
When Madge came to me to tell me that she had seen him with another girl, I went into a full on rage, which is where I find myself now. I'm doing all I can to not break down in embarrassing sobs while I cling to our five and half month old daughter. As I study her sleeping form to compose myself, I silently beg for her to open those beautiful blue eyes that reminded me so much of one of the only people that never hurt me but I did nothing but hurt. I now know that it was only because I was scared of the feelings I had for him, but my seventeen year old self expressed it by pushing him away.
He was my first everything. My first kiss, the first person I slept with. One night at the end of the summer at a barbecue, we were alone down by the lake when we made love for the first time, and I say it as the first not because it was the first time we had slept together, but because of the tenderness of the act that time.
"I love you, Katniss. And it's not because we just had sex. I really do love you and I've been trying to work up the guts to tell you for awhile now," he said. The thought of being in love scared me after what my mom had gone through when my father, the love of her life, died. I couldn't let someone love me, nor allow myself to love someone, for fear that it would destroy me as it did my mother. She was never the same after that, and it took me years to forgive her for her abandonment.
As a mother myself, I still don't understand how she did that to Prim and I, but she has done nothing but try to make up for it in the years since. Thinking about my mother reminds me that I now need to call her and make sure it's okay that Willow and I stay at her house for awhile until I can get on my feet.
I make the call to her, and she is more than thrilled that we are coming home to stay. As I pack our things I try to come to grips with the idea of going back and living in the town that I fled from all those years ago. That bonfire was the last that I had seen of that little city of Panem. Sure, I had visited my mom, but she lives in the outskirts of the town in area, called the Seam. It's where I grew up, and it's a dingy, unkempt area where most of the poor live. I'm not sure I'm ready to face what I left there, but anywhere is better than the place I'm at now.
I'm loading the last of Willow's crib into the car as Gale finally pulls into the driveway. He shuts the car off and gets out of the door and slams it shut.
"What the hell are you doing Katniss? What the fuck is this all about?" he roars.
I wasn't ready for this conversation, so I sarcastically throw back at him, "So how was Leevy? You all relaxed now? Been thoroughly fucked?"
"What are you talking about?" He questions, though his eyes tell another story. He knows that I know what he has been up to, but we both have been known for being hard headed, so he's not ready to back down yet.
"You know exactly what I'm talking about Gale! Don't play! You were caught making out with a girl named Leevy outside a hotel that you had booked a room in." I screeched. "You lied to me. You told me we would be a family when Willow was born. You told me you were working more so we could provide for her! You told me I was the only one for you! What happened?"
"We only had sex once, and it was a huge mistake." He replies, unable to look at me.
"That's a lie too! You were seen more than once. Why did you go running to anyone but me?" I said, the nagging feeling of being unwanted.
"I tried to be with you after Willow was born but you always pushed me away," Gale snapped.
"I'm sorry that after pushing a baby out of me, I wasn't exactly up for having sex, I was sore! You should try it sometime," I snap back sarcastically. "Plus, from the moment Willow and I got out of the hospital, you said you had a business trip to go on. This is on you, and you need take the blame. Besides, it doesn't matter; cheating on me once is too many times. We are done, Gale." And with that, I slam the trunk of my car and get in.
"Since the law states that an unmarried woman has sole custody of her children, we'll work out some way for you to be in her life, but you and I are no more. Goodbye, Gale." Then I roll up the window, start the car, and pull out of the driveway, giving one last look at the house and Gale, standing alone outside looking defeated. It took everything I had not to turn back around, but I knew this was the right thing to do.
During the drive to mom's house or I guess it's my house again, I think about what has happened in my life since I had been here last.
I left the bonfire in a hurry, running back to my house. It was late, so mom and Prim were already in bed. I went to my room and spent the rest of the night packing my stuff up and I called Gale, my best friend who had left for college two years before. He went to the same school I was starting at this fall and he had an extra room in the house he rented. He offered it to me so I wouldn't have to live in the dorms. I jumped on the opportunity. I called and asked if I could move in a week early and if he could come pick me up the next day with his pickup truck. He agreed.
The next morning I told my mom and sister that I had decided that I needed to have an extra week to get settled in before classes started and that I was moving out that day. After that, I never stepped back into the town I grew up in again.
Moving into that house with Gale and a couple of other people who he was friends with was my biggest mistake. I became a sort of party girl using drinking as a way to forget what I had left behind. I also used the fact that Gale liked me and wanted to be with me back in high school as a way of escape too. We would get drunk at parties and later at night fall into bed together for release. I'm not sure you could ever say we even dated, we just used each other. After college, Gale and I moved into a little house together. Gale got a job at a little business firm and started going on business trips almost instantly. I guess that should have been my second clue. Who starts at the bottom at any job and starts traveling for them?
At this point I realize I have been driving on autopilot for the whole two hour drive and I'm almost to town. I glance back and see that Willow is still sound asleep, and turn back to the road just sign that says "Welcome to Panem" and that's when a memory hits me, and some things in my life start to make sense again. I also realize I've been living a lie for the past year.
I quickly pull into my mom's driveway and park the car. Mom must have been watching from the window, because she is out the door before I can get out of the car. I get out and shut the door as mom rounds the back of my car and opens the door and pulls Willow out of her car seat, and is cooing at her, giving her all kinds of kisses.
"Mom," I start, and she looks up at me. "When was I last here?"
She stops and thinks for a moment before replying with, "I believe it was just after the new year last year. Maybe the end of January, early February. You were here because you slipped and fell at home while Gale was away on a business trip, and had some temporary memory loss. So you stayed until Gale was back, and about a month later you announced that you were pregnant with Willow."
I feel cold, like how you feel when you go outside in the winter, which is unlikely in the rather warm late April air. My stomach plummets as an idea that I hope is not the case comes into my head. But I play it off as nothing as I say, "I'm sorry, Mom, I don't seem to remember being here at all. Was Prim here? Who was I around?"
"Well," she starts, "you were around all of your old friends. Madge still lived here at the time, and there was Delly and, oh, what was his name? He is blonde and blue eyed. Ron Mellark's son, the baker's boy. Oh, yeah! Peeta. You were around him a lot," she finishes, confirming my deepest fears.
A half sob comes from me as the realization hits me, and I try to cover it up by starting to unpack the car.
Later that night, while I put Willow to bed, I look at her, really look at her. She looks so peaceful, cuddling with her stuffed bunny that Prim got her on the day she was born, and as I look at her, I feel as if there are features that I haven't seen before. Like the shape of her jaw and the little dimples her cheeks get when she smiles. They are exactly like his. I just hope no one notices, because I'm not sure what I would do if anyone figured out or if he figures it out. I don't even know if he will talk to me again.
As April comes to an end and May begins, I get comfortable with being back in my hometown. I have yet to go into town yet for fear of who I might see. But I know I need to soon, for I can't live on my mother's income forever. I am an adult and a mother myself, and I need to start providing for my daughter.
I have yet to hear from Gale but I also know that he will not let my birthday pass on the eighth without calling me.
The first of May greets us with a beautiful, warm, cloudless day and I decide to take Willow out while I go looking for a job. So I get her stroller out and get her ready for our day.
As I get into town I realize that nothing really has changed in the years that I've been gone. Maybe a shop has gotten a fresh coat of paint, but other than that nothing is different. I stop at all the shops and the story is the same, they have no positions available but they will keep me in mind. And they all ogle over Willow. I wait to go down the last street in the small town that has the bakery on it. I was hoping I wouldn't have to go down this street. As I turn the corner I see what I was dreading most. Mellark's bakery is hiring.
I almost think of just walking past and not going in. But I have to think of Willow, and there's a good chance that they won't hire me anyway. So I open the door and walk in. And oh, God, the smell! It's so sweet and delicious smelling with all the pies and pastries.
The bell on the door rings as the door shuts behind me and Rye pops his head around the door to the kitchens to see who is here. A big smile comes across his face as he realizes who it is. "Katniss! You're back?! You're back, right?" He exclaims as he comes running out from behind the front counter. He engulfs me in a bear hug, and I laugh because I have missed all the Mellark men. I have never felt more loved than I do when I'm with these men. And it's surprising with the witch of a mother and wife they have.
As Rye releases me, I answer his question. "For the foreseeable future, yes, I am back."
"Dad and Peeta will be so happy to hear that. Oh! And who is this little cutie? Is she yours?" He finishes looking at Willow.
My stomach plummets at the mention of Peeta. "Her name is Willow. She's 6 months old. And yes she is mine" I say.
"Can I hold her?" Rye asks.
"Sure" I reply, getting her out of the stroller. I lift her up, cuddle her for just a moment kissing her forehead, and hand her sleeping form over to Rye. He cradles her and she doesn't wake up.
"Wow. She is so beautiful. Just like her momma. "Such a pretty girl." He looks at me. "You better watch out Katniss. When she is older, all the boys will be chasing her." He laughs and Willow's eyes open up at his laughter. Rye stares at her open eyes, and I start to sweat. He will know my secret. He looks over at me and I can't meet his eyes.
"Katniss..." He starts, but is interrupted by the man himself.
"Rye, do you know where the... Oh hello Katniss!" Peeta smiles at me. He looks the same as in high school, but hotter! His hair is the same wavy golden blonde color that falls in waves and is still somewhat long, and it falls into his eyes at times. His jaw is more chiseled, and I can only think about running my tongue across it from one side to the other. His build is still athletic, and the ripples of his muscles under the tight white bakery shirt he is wearing does nothing to help the pooling heat and wetness between my legs. Look back up to his face I see the same bright cerulean blue that I have looked at for six months with my daughter.
"Rye? Why do you have a baby in your hands and whose baby is it?" he asks.
Rye looks at me and I nod, he then looks at Peeta and says "Katniss'."
Peeta's mouth drops and he moves fast across the front the bakery to stand by us. He takes one look at her, swallows hard and with his voice cracking he meekly asks "How old is she?"
Looking down, I mutter "Six months this past week."
"Oh, well, may I?" Peeta questions, holding his arms out to where Rye is still standing, holding Willow in shock.
I nod and I hear Rye whisper that her name is Willow to Peeta. I look up to see Peeta cradle his daughter for the first time. And it's as if Willow knows this is her daddy because she turns and clutches his shirt as she opens her eyes and blinks tiredly at Peeta. It's such a sweet moment. I feel as if I'm looking on something that isn't for me to see and I hear the footsteps of Rye leaving the room.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He questions.
"I didn't know," I reply, knowing how pathetic of an answer that is.
"What do you mean, you didn't know?"
"To be honest, I didn't remember being here last January. I didn't remember anything until I seen the sign welcoming people to Panem. That fall I took did a number on me. All I remembered was Gale going on his trip, him coming home and then a month later finding out I was pregnant. But I do have to admit that when I had seen her for the first time, I questioned things but I figured it was impossible, because the last time I could remember seeing you was in high school. "I find that I'm rambling and I look down as I finish the last part, feeling so ashamed for how I have treated Peeta in the past.
"Oh..." he says in annoyance. "So why did you come here then? To tell me now?"
"Actually, I was too scared to tell you, or anyone for that matter. Gale still thinks she is his and even my mom doesn't know. How did it happen anyway?" I say.
"We were drunk at a party and we found a room in the house and couldn't get enough of each other. It doesn't matter. It was a mistake." He replies shortly.
Feeling hurt by his words but knowing I deserve them I continue with what I came here for. "Uhm, I actually stopped in because I'm looking for a job and you had a help wanted sign up."
"Well since you are the mother of my child, I should give you a job. Be here at 7:30 tomorrow morning. And you can bring Willow," he says before kissing her forehead and handing her back to me and then walking off to the kitchen again.
I'm stunned! That was so unlike the Peeta I knew. But I just put Willow back in the stroller and leave for home.
I don't see Peeta at all the first week at the bakery. I work with Rye every morning. Rye never mentions where he is either. He just proceeds in being the best uncle ever. He spoils Willow.
The afternoon before my birthday is when I finally see Peeta again. He is walking out of the office and doesn't even look up at me when he says, "Take the day off tomorrow and be back on Monday. Oh, and here is your paycheck," as he hands it to me. He completely dismisses me.
I feel like a little kid trying to ask an adult a question when I'm a full grown adult myself, when I say, "Peeta, wait!" He stops and turns to look at me and I continue "Prim is throwing a party tomorrow for my birthday, will you come? Rye and your dad are invited too."
"I'm sure Rye and my dad would love to, but someone has to stay and man the bakery, so I can't. Thank you for the invite though. I will be sure to tell them about it." He replies with no emotion.
"Well maybe after the bakery closes? I know the party will go into the night since its also my homecoming party." I plead.
"I'm normally very tired at the end of the day, we'll see." he says evenly.
"Okay," I nod with defeat.
"You may leave now, don't worry its slow today. You will still get paid for the hours." Peeta says
"Okay, thank you Peeta." I reply, my voice cracking with the tears I'm holding back. I rip off my apron and almost run to get Willow and leave. When I come back into the front of the bakery Peeta is nowhere to be found. And this is where I finally start to break down. I knew Peeta would be mad because of all that has happened between us because of me, but for Peeta to be that hard and uncaring is hard to handle. I don't know that Peeta. Its not my Peeta. Great Katniss, you have one guy cheat on you, and you pissed another off so much that he isn't even the same person. Great job! I collapse just outside the bakery in sobs.
I feel a pair of strong arms wrap around my shoulder and I hear the whispered voice of Rye tell me it will be okay, that he will come around, that it's just a lot to take in. Rye kisses my forehead and holds me until the sobs subside.
"Thank you Rye." I whisper into his shoulder.
"Don't worry about it Katniss. You're like a sister to me. And Peeta, he still loves you. Don't think he doesn't. And he loves Willow too. I just don't think he knows how to react. It's so much to wrap your head around in a short amount of time." He replies.
"I know. And it's a lot for me too," I say. "I thought she was Gale's until I came back here. I didn't even know I was here. I thought the last time I was here was right before I left for college."
"Really?!" Rye exclaims.
"Yeah, that fall must have done a real number on me."
We sit in silence for a few minutes before I say, "You all are invited to my birthday slash welcome home party that Prim is throwing for me. I told Peeta but..." I trail off.
"I'll be there. And I'm sure Dad will be too. I'll talk to Peeta." Rye says.
I nod and get up off the sidewalk. "See you tomorrow, Rye. And thank you for everything."
"No problem," he says with a wave.
I know looking back on my birthday this year it will be one I never forget.
It starts off as a day to forget because I wake up to my mom, Prim and to my dislike Gale yelling at each other while my baby is whaling. I spring out of bed and rush to Willow's crib and pick her up, cradling her in my arms. I coo at her, telling her that everything is ok while walking out to the living room where at the ruckus is coming from.
"What in the world is going on in here? You woke me up with your yelling but more importantly you woke Willow up with it. And what are you doing here Gale? Come to ruin my life some more?" I finish with venom in my voice.
"Gale came here to see you and Willow. I have spent all morning trying to get him to leave." My mom answers first.
"He was here when I pulled into the driveway today." Prim says
I look to Gale and wait for him to reply. I watch him take a deep breath and say "I wanted to come wish you a happy birthday and come see my daughter that I haven't seen in almost three weeks."
Hearing him refer to Willow as his daughter infuriates me, and I realize it's time to tell him. I look down at Willow and see her bright blue Peeta eyes look at me and it's almost like she is willing me to tell him. So I move her so she is more sitting on my hands with her back to my chest and say "Gale, I have something to tell you but first look into her eyes. Do you see something that just doesn't match? Something that stands out? Who do you see in those eyes?" I here Prim gasp and start crying. I continue."There's only one person I have seen with those eyes."
"Peeta" my mom whispers covering her mouth with her hand.
"Please tell me you are joking Catnip" Gale pleads.
"I can't." I say
I see Gale's face go from sad to pissed off. The paleness of his face changes to a deep red and he screams profanities at me. I quickly hand Willow off to Prim and both her and my mom leave the room.
"What in the hell Katniss?! You were all over me about cheating on you but you are just as bad. You're a fucking hypocrite!" Gale roars
"Now back the fuck off Gale, I didn't cheat on you behind your back. Hell, I didn't even know I had. When I came back here is when I realized it. The whole time I thought she was yours! The last time I had thought I had seen Peeta or anyone from this town other than my family was the summer before college! Apparently when I came to my mom's after that fall I took when you were on your business trip is when it happened! I don't remember it! At all! And in all honesty you were cheating on me long before I was pregnant and you know it! So who is the fucking hypocrite?! You are!" I scream.
"And you had to have his baby didn't you? You couldn't even fuck someone else. It just had to be Peeta fucking Mellark." Exclaims Gale
"What in the hell do you mean by that?" I yell back.
"Because of that son of a bitch I could never have you. Not truly. You were always his. He owned your heart and soul. But you were mine. I knew you first and it is supposed to be us!" Says Gale with a calmer voice
"You and I both know that can't be true! If that was the case then you never would have been with the other women." I reply, not believing what he is saying.
"I did that to make myself feel better for all the times you were with Peeta before we were together. I had waited for you, you know." He says.
"What about the slag heap when you were in high school?" I questioned
"I fooled around, yes. But the first time I had sex was with you Katniss." He replies.
"How did cheating on me make you feel better though? I was with Peeta before you" I say.
"It really didn't but that was my reasoning. Look I'm sorry. What I did was wrong and coming here today was wrong too. I'm sorry for messing up your birthday. I'm going to leave now and leave you alone forever." He replies
"My birthday is not messed up and I don't want you out of my life. But let's face it. We are not meant of one another. We couldn't even stay faithful to each other. But I still want our friendship" I say
"I agree. And I still want our friendship too. Well I better get going. Happy Birthday Catnip." Gale says as he heads to the door.
"Wait! Will you stay for my party?" I ask
"I really would love to but I have to go. I really do have a business trip to go on." He says
"Okay" I say as I walk towards him. He opens his arms and I walk into the familiar warmth of his arms.
Gale releases his arms from around me smiles like last time, grabs the door handle and walks out.
It's about 3 hours into the party when I finally see him and I had pretty much given up hope that he'd even show. Rye already told me that he had talked to him and didn't feel as if he had gotten anywhere with him. The problem was I wasn't sure if I was quite ready for the confrontation.
"Katniss!" Peeta says loudly as he walks up to me. "Happy Birthday!" And he kisses me. There's so much passion in the kiss too, almost as if no time had passed between us. I felt like I was in high school again. But then I taste it on his lips. Beer. He has been drinking. And I break the kiss.
"You're drunk" I say
"I'm not drunk, I've just had a few drinks. Now where is my daughter." He replies so loud that everyone here hears him and the whole backyard goes silent.
"Peeta! Can I talk to you in the house?!" I say, pulling him into the house. "What in the hell is this all about?"
"I'm scared and hurt. But most of all I'm scared. You come back a year after you hurt me for the second time with my six month old daughter. I'm a dad. A parent. I don't know what to do. I'm so lost and confused. I'm sorry Katniss. I've treated you so horrible. It's just..." He trails off.
"It's just what?" I ask.
"My mom said something like this would happen she always said that all you would do is ruin my life and make me unhappy and I guess I allowed her words to fill my head especially when you came back in showed me Willow. The whole time we dated, she kept saying all I would do is get you knocked up and you would leave me high and dry after that. When you did come back and you had Willow I guess her words came back. I'm so sorry." He finishes putting his head in his hands.
"I understand. It's ok. I forgive you. It was a lot for me to take in too. Like I said before I even came back into this town I thought Willow is Gale's. I didn't even remember the time being here and for that I'm quite ashamed. I'm sorry for hurting you a second time. I've always said that you'd be a great father and that you deserve to have children I'm just not sure that you deserve having the mother of your children being me. Fuck, both of us have done things to hurt each other to be honest with you I have to tell you something I should have said to you a long time ago." I ramble.
"Wait, before you continue that's one thing that I've been wanting to know from Sat night on the beach during the bonfire but the end of summer after high school, you love me real or not real?" Peeta questions.
For once in my life I know the answer without even having to think about it, the word roll off my tongue. A word that I've been holding back since that fateful day when I did leave can I say "Real"
"Really?!" Peeta smiles. The smile that was always just for me.
"Yes" I giggle. I actually giggle.
"I'm sorry for how I acted tonight. I probably messed up your birthday."
Maybe it's the six years of pent up emotions or its party girl in me from college. Or it's the love I have for Peeta that makes me do what I do. I'll never know. But I stop him with a deep kiss. From the moment our lips touch I feel that hunger again. The one I only ever felt when I kissed Peeta. I nibble on his lower lip and he opens his mouth to deepen the kiss. And a thought crosses my mind before I get too lost in the kiss, I'm home.
Several long minutes or many days pass but we both pull back to catch our breath. I look up into his eyes. The same blue eyes of our daughter and that's when I realized that those eyes are the same eyes that have always saved me. They kept me going and brought me back to the place that I belong. And that's here, in this wonderful man's arm. And I never want to leave.
And I don't.
Four and a half years later.
We sit in the park by my mom's house. As a child we called it the meadow. It's a quiet, warm summer day. And we watch as our children chase after each other. Well it's more like our son chases after his big sister on his short two year old legs. The little blonde headed boy look as much like his dad as his sister looks like her mom. Except the eyes, Peeta was so happy to see that he got my eyes.
I lean back into Peeta's chest as I sit between his legs and fiddle with the rings on my left ring finger, wondering how I had got so lucky. As horrible as it sounds I'm almost glad Gale did cheat on me because I don't think I would have gotten the wonderful life I now live, if he hadn't.
And with that thought I again look up into the eyes that have always grounded me, made me feel loved and the eyes that saved me so many times. And so when he asks "You love me real or not real?" I answer it in a different way but it means the same.
"Real. I love you" I say captivated by the eyes of my savior.