CHOCOLATE VS HARD-BOILED CANDIES
Often serious people (or people who pretend to be serious), have a sweet tooth. A study proves that the more serious a person is (or the more serious a person pretends to be), they have a bigger sweet tooth.
And, one very serious (or at least...pretending to be serious) person resides in a castle called Hogwarts. Currently, Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore was sitting in his study, agonising over how to present a speech to the Wizenmagot. Although these people had rather strange names, they had as much of a love for good speeches as Albus had a love for CHOCOLATE.
Chocolate. Whenever Professor Dumbledore thought of chocolate, he would swoon in happiness. Chocolate was his god, his love...he would give ANYTHING to get chocolate. You see, the reason why Voldemort and Dumbledore were enemies was because they had a disagreement about chocolate.
Voldemort (or Tommy Riddle, as he was known at that time), liked hard boiled candies. He loved the bright colours that weaved through the glass sugar, and the way that the candies would melt slowly in his mouth.
Tom Riddle thought it was a CRIME to like anything other than hard-boiled candies. Naturally, Dumbledore disagreed, as old Dumbly liked a thing called CHOCOLATE, and thought it was a crime to like anything OTHER than CHOCOLATE.
They met in a dark corridor one night, Dumbledore after his all-craved chocolate, and Tommy-boy after his heartfelt wish, hard-boiled candies (pink to be specific – his inner feminine side was coming out...but not as much as Umbridge (bummer)).
"What are you doing out of bed so late, Tom?" Dumbledore asked kindly. Tom of course replied, genially, "I'm after hard-boiled candies. Would you like to join me in the quest, Professor Dumbledore?" Tom raised an imaginary sword with a 'swoosh' sound-effect.
Dumbledore, who was definitely not pleased, was aghast. His face paled with a thousand years.
"Did you say hard-boiled candies, Mr Riddle?" Dumbledore's voice wavered.
"Yes," said Tom, "It is a crime to like anything else...You like hard-boiled candies, don't you, Professor?"
Dumbledore began to fume in anger and annoyance, "Definitely not, Mr Riddle! Hard-boiled candies are...are BLAPHSEMY! Nothing is better than the almighty CHOCOLATE!"
Tom was stunned to shock horror. Then he looked equally livid with anger, and screamed, "YOU ARE BLAPHSEMY! Chocolate go die in an ugly hole! Hard-boiled candies shall rule the world!"
And then, the disagreements began. Dumbledore thought back to the time, and thought it was a pity that Riddle could not be converted. A rather great tragedy. If only Tom had liked chocolate...he wouldn't be the mass murderer he was now. Nobody knew, but Voldemort was secretly crusading for hard-boiled candies (he attacked Muggles in order to gain the sweet from them...and he secretly had a grudge against Muggles as they invented them and he had an anti-muggle reputation to keep up with his pure-blood friends).
Dumbledore decided that something needed to be done to stop Voldy. In actuality...when he thought about it...he had stopped Grindelwald through tempting the man with chocolate...no wonder they had been such 'good friends', sharing the mutual gift of chocolate. Dumbledore just knew Grindelwald too well.
And after thinking about it a bit more, he remembered that he had decided (several times before) that something needed to be done to stop his archenemy Voldemort the Champion of (Pink) Hard-boiled candies. It was necessary for the well-being of the world (especially the faction of chocolate).
He began to think and muse, his old wizened head bent down over a clean piece of paper. He must think hard. He must...
Chocolate. His chocolate craving arose in his heart, and he needed CHOCOLATE. He opened his first drawer, and cried out in despair.
The drawer was empty of chocolate. It was crammed with shiny chocolate wrappers. Lots of Cadbury wrappers. Supporting Muggle enterprises (part of his 'save Muggles campaign' was his thing).
He called a House-Elf, who appeared with a pop. At the sight of Dumbledore, the poor house-elf recoiled in fear. Dumbly with no chocolate was NOT good.
"WHERE IS MY CHOCOLATE?" cried Dumbledore, and the House-elf cowered.
"Professor Dumbledore...I...you..."
"I WHAT?" Dumbledore needed his shot of chocolate.
"Ummm..." the house-elf hung his head in shame, "You ate up all of our supplies. Honeydukes has no more chocolate left..."
"NO MORE CHOCOLATE LEFT?" Dumbledore boomed, "WHAT IS THIS? ARE YOU A HOUSE-ELF OR NOT?"
"I am a house-elf, not an old bum like you, sir," The house-elf meekly remarked, "But no magic can bring you chocolate, sir."
The anguished cry of Dumbledore echoed throughout the castle like a banshee...
"MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Voldemort cackled in his mansion, "MUHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!"
Greyback licked his lips, "Do you have someone to eat?"
Voldemort sighed, Grey back was so IGNORANT, " No, you ignorant sod. Now fetch me that jar of hard-boiled candies."
Greyback assented, as he did not want to be cursed into the next century by his all too loved master. At last, he returned with a massive jar of candies, and Voldemort pointed his wand at it.
"ENGORGIO!"
The jar enlargened, until it squished Greyback who howled like a...wearful...ummm... 'werewolf!' and killed him. What a fitful end for such a great servant.
Voldemort opened the glass jar with a pop, and he slipped a bright princess pink lolly into his mouth. He murmured in happiness, cradling the glass jar like a baby. He popped another one in for good measure.
"aahh..."he sighed. He could not fathom how people could not like hard-boiled lollies. Especially Dumbledore. Chocolate = blergh. He wondered what would happen if he dug Dumbledore a hole and made Dumbly die in it by filling the hole with (black) hard-boiled candies. (*cackle*) Goldy the Voldy decided that hard-boiled candies were too precious to be wasted on cooty old Dumb(ly)-Bore. (*sigh*)
Yet he knew that Dumbledore was suffering, because, at last, the great Smouldering-Mouldy-Fork had carried out his master plan! He had deprived Dumbledore of his greatest weapon. The greatest weapon in the whole of history (other than Voldy's greatest weapon)! He rejoiced...
Voldemort had gotten his henchmen to remove all the chocolate from Honeydukes. Every slab of chocolate, every recipe removed from the small store. And then he burnt it, the scarred fumes drifting over what he envisioned as Dumbledore's dead body in a yucky hole...
And then he spat the two candies out. They bounced on the floor. They did not taste right! They did not taste right!
The world was not great. Life was hard with no boiled candies. Suddenly, Bellatrix ran in, and cast herself at his feet.
"Dumbledore is waiting at the door, my Lord!" she cried, "He requests to see you!"
Voldemort jumped out of his chair, "What? What does he want?"
"He holds a jar of boiled candies, My Lord! Pink boiled candies. And the jar's tied with a thick pink ribbon!"
Voldemort's red eyes opened to wide saucers. He hurtled out the corridor, his craving for pink lollies rising in him.
He opened the door, and there, Dumbledore stood, the big jar in his out-stretched hand. Mouldy greedily snatched the jar and slipped a lolly into his mouth.
It tasted like heaven...and then it suddenly disappeared.
Voldemort's eyes opened, popping a vein in his temple.
Dumbledore smiled, and then began to laugh, "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...BAAAHHHAAAAHHHAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Voldemort sighed. He was too old to deal with the many eccentric ways of one Albus Dumbledore.
And then he (Voldy the Mortified) died from poisoning.
And Dumbledore laughed.
"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Who knew it was that easy to destroy Voldemort?
Dumbledore slipped a piece of Honeyduke's chocolate into his mouth.
And died from laughter and choking on his chocolate.
THE END