Superficial
~ A page from the diary of Rangiku. ~
Dear diary,
I have been truly upset for a while now. I can't shake off the feeling of loneliness anymore. I know it's been a while since the last time I wrote but maybe writing to you helps me to sort some things out.
People often tell me that I am beautiful. Guys want to be with me and girls want to be me. It's how it has always been ever since I was young. They also think I'm happiest person ever. Always drinking, having fun and going out. They think I have great social skills and more than enough friends to keep me company.
But when I look in the mirror I don't see a beautiful woman. I see a woman who's scarred by all the things that happened to her in the past. Meeting Gin was the best thing that ever happened to me and losing him was hard to deal with. I try to hide the pain I feel from my friends and after all these time they think I have moved on and that I am perfectly fine. I just can't tell them how I truly feel now.
People also seem to think that the only thing I do is partying. Yes, I do that a lot but that's not the only thing I do. I have so much more going on in my life and partying is just a way to forget about all the pain. But right after I come home alone from a party the pain is even worse and I just start crying until I finally fall asleep.
When I look in the mirror I see an insecure little girl. Not the confident woman other people think I am. I force myself to be social all the time but I often wonder if my social skills are really good enough. All these people will be disappointed if I am not that social they think I am. I also try not to worry about what other people think of me too much. But sometimes it's just too hard.
When I look in the mirror I am confronted with my face.. And I know I have a pretty face but I still wish I had a different one. I look a lot like my mother and she was not a nice person. I feel disgusted because I look just like her. I wish I could tear it apart.. Tear this disgusting face apart, but I know that's impossible so I have to suck it up and deal with it. Maybe one day I will see the beauty in it.
Thank you for listening diary. Even after a long time you still listen to me. You are the only one I trust because I've learned not to trust other people. I will just have to deal with my problems and maybe all I need is time to heal the wounds.
Thanks for reading,
Life is to long.