Disclaimer: Once upon a time there was a narrator who took it upon herself to screw up every story she could get her hands on. With complete and utter disregard for the opinions of others, authors and fans alike, she made it her mission to corrupt any good plot line or character development she had the means to. With the help of her tech-savvy computer and her skills of destroying anything she put her mind to, she quickly set to work on annoying the crap out of everybody. These are her stories.
The blinding whiteness of the blank walls was the first thing to tip Neo off that he was having a horrible acid trip. The second thing was his missing sunglasses. The third was the floating, orange hippo smoking a blunt in the corner. The buzz of the florescent lights was a happy reminder of the life he'd once had in his favorite MMORPG. Calmed by this noise, he made his way to the first human in sight – Morpheus.
"Welcome to Wal-Mart. The guns are located along the back wall next to the toy section," Morpheus said in his normal monotone.
"What is the mission, Morpheus?" Neo asked, pinning this unusual greeting on the eight pounds of crack he'd snorted earlier.
"Before you can do that, you must choose between these two pills." Morpheus held out his hand to Neo, displaying one white and one black pill.
"What do they mean?" Neo asked.
"Man, I don't know. Just pick one already. My shift's over in half an hour, and I want to hide out in the bathroom and watch Vampire Diaries until then."
"But how can I choose if I don't know what I'm choosing?"
Morpheus rolled his eyes and sighed loudly. "Just take the black one – it's bigger."
"But that would make it harder to swallow. What if I want the white one?"
"Oh, I see. You're a racist, then."
Neo waved his hands in protest, "No, that's not what I – "
"Don't lie to me. I'm black, not stupid. The two aren't synonymous. It's people like you who give Americans a bad name."
"I'll take the black pill, okay?"
"Fine. Here. You'll have to dry-swallow. The pipes are being redone."
Neo forced down the black pill, choking before he succeeded. "Now what?"
"Now you must search the store and find the best things in life before the Black Friday shoppers take them all first. There was one more thing I was supposed to tell you. I think it was important."
"What was it?" Neo asked.
Morpheus screwed up his eyes in concentration. "I can't remember. Something like 'Once you go black, you never go back.' Yeah, that sounds right. Very profound. Bears repeating. Once you go black, you never go back. Now go away; I've got places to be."
Neo headed down the first aisle, not at all sure of what he was looking for. "Let's see," he mumbled to himself, browsing the produce section, "What kind of things are best? I like video games, but I doubt that's what he meant." Neo turned onto the next aisle, but it was empty except for a tall anime girl standing in the middle of the floor.
"Friendship is the best, don't you think?" she shrieked at him.
Neo decided to skip that aisle, going on to the third one. But something the girl had said stuck with him. Suddenly a light bulb burst in his head, and he exclaimed, "Friends! The best things in life are friends. But where would I find friends in a place like this?"
He continued down the aisles, but they were all deserted. That is, until Aisle 6. There stood Mr. Smith. Neo looked him up and down, starting at his cold, impenetrable sunglasses and ending at his black, leather apron. "Good evening, Mr. Anderson," he said, smiling haphazardly. He held up a silver mirror. "Would you like a sample?"
"Of what? Your bullets?" Neo braced himself for the attack.
Mr. Smith laughed, and the sound had a rich, deep sound that sounded of sound nature and friendliness. Sound. "My dear friend, no. I thought you might enjoy a taste of our fresh rotisserie chicken. I guarantee it's delicious. See? Om nom nom. Good."
Neo shook his head sternly. "I'm trying to find something."
"I'm an employee here. I can probably help you. What are you looking for?"
Neo glanced at him sideways. "I'm looking for friends."
Mr. Smith furrowed his brow, then smiled and gestured to the sign over Aisle 8. "Why don't we ask the Oracle – I mean, the manager. She knows where everything is. Come on, I'll take you to her." He took Neo's arm and led him to Aisle 8.
An old, gray-haired woman sat on the top shelf, eating a bag of dog treats and swinging her legs flippantly. She glared at the two men and barked, "What you want? Baby, I got it. What you need? Cuz you know I got it."
"Um, I'm looking for the best things in life," Neo replied, concern etched into his tone of voice.
"The best things in life are on Aisle 2," the lady replied, hurling a glass of prune juice across the store. Neo flinched as it smashed somewhere in the distance.
"Okay… thank you. I'll just head back there." Neo turned and walked briskly back the way he'd come, but was blocked by an invisible barrier at the end of the aisle.
"You took the black pill, didn't you?" the Oracle – I mean, manager – said, picking her nose viciously.
"Why's it gotta be black?" the narrator asked, using her ghetto accent, which in my opinion really needs perfecting.
Neo spun around as he searched the ceiling. "I don't know who asked that, but I was forced to take the black pill. Morpheus wouldn't give me the white one."
"He is so fired," the Oracle said.
"What does the black pill mean?" Neo asked.
"I don't know! Go ask someone who cares." The Oracle staggered to her feet and crumbled to ash.
"Clean up on Aisle 8," the intercom announced.
Mr. Smith held his hand out to Neo. "The black pill makes it so that you can't go back to the aisles you have already passed."
Neo cocked his head to the side. "Why would Morpheus make me take that pill if it hindered my mission?"
Mr. Smith shrugged.
"What did the white pill do?" Neo asked.
"Nothing. It was a placebo. You would have been able to roam the store as you pleased."
"How do I get to Aisle 2 if I can't go back?" Neo asked.
Mr. Smith raise both hands palm-up into the air. "The only way you can escape is through the truth. The truth shall set you free."
"What is the truth?" Neo asked.
"Neo, I am your father."
"No! I don't believe you."
"Search your pants, Neo. You know it to be true."
Neo smirked. "I'm not wearing any pants."
"NOOOO!" Mr. Smith erupted in flames, and Neo shielded his eyes. When his sight returned, he was standing in Aisle 1. Extremely confused at this point, he spun around and around until he became dizzy and staggered into Aisle 2.
"This is Aisle 2? But there's nothing here."
"That's where you're wrong," Mr. Smith said as he respawned beside Neo, "There is air here, because the best things in life are free."
Neo grimaced in bewilderment. "What?"
Trinity suddenly popped out of a shelf and explained everything. "I think we all learned a very valuable lesson today. Stay in school and don't do drugs."
"But I'm just following orders," Neo protested, "I'm on a mission."
Trinity pulled out a pink walkie-talkie decorated with glitter and My Little Pony stickers. "We have a Code Help-this-guy's-insane-send-two-big-burly-guards-immediately on Aisle 2. All units to the produce section."
"I'm not crazy," Neo protested, backing away from them. Suddenly, sirens began wailing outside. Two big burly men restrained Neo and began dragging him to the back of the Wal-Mart.
But before they got far, a steel Delorean crashed through the wall and into a table of cheese. The doors flew open and a short, hyper young lady bounced out, shouting, "I broke the fourth wall! Sweet!"
"Who is that girl? Where are you taking me? Why is nobody answering?" Neo struggled against the men, but to no avail.
And so the penguin died in the snow while his baby grew up to run the strip club downtown.
The End