Arkham Audited

It was days like these that Dr. Leland hated the most.

Of course every day in Arkham Asylum was not one to look forward to – hardly a day went by without a fatal accident of some kind, or a mass breakout, or in-fighting among the inmates. But despite all the violence and chaos that went along with those things, they were better than her meeting days.

As head doctor of Arkham Asylum, Dr. Joan Leland had an obligation to meet with important officials in Gotham – the mayor, the police commissioner, and various other busybodies who would try to stick their nose in her business by suggesting improvements to Arkham. Dr. Leland certainly believed improvements were needed, but she seriously doubted that elected officials and bureaucrats knew better than her what they were. Nevertheless, she was forced to take their ideas on board, no matter how ludicrous they were, and as Arkham continued to fail to reform the criminals sent to it, the more ridiculous those ideas grew.

Dr. Leland wondered to herself what the latest stroke of genius to reform the inmates would be as she shook hands and smiled politely while the mayor and his cronies greeted her. She had heard everything from mandatory team sports, to mandatory dancing instruction, and she wouldn't be surprised if this time, the suggestion was something like a mandatory fun run through Gotham. There was no way that could end badly.

"I'm very eager to hear your suggestions for improvements," said Dr. Leland, in what she hoped was a sincere voice.

"Well, frankly, Dr. Leland, that's not what we're here to talk about," said the mayor. "I think you'll agree that we've all been very patient and resourceful in our efforts to bring about some real change and reform in the inmates here."

"Yes, resourceful is the word," agreed Dr. Leland, nodding.

"And yet, despite our numerous best efforts, Arkham continues to be a revolving door prison for the worst and most dangerous of humanity," continued the mayor. "Reform largely doesn't seem to work, and security is a persistent and unending problem."

"You don't have to tell me, Mr. Mayor," said Dr. Leland. "But frankly, I can't get the employees to work here to improve security. With Arkham's reputation, this establishment can't attract anyone willing to work here, unless they're suicidal."

"Or potential lunatics themselves, as we saw with Dr. Quinzel," said the mayor, nodding.

"Yes, exactly," muttered Dr. Leland, through gritted teeth. People never stopped blaming her for Harley going insane, even though she had tried her best to keep her away from the Joker. Although she supposed ultimately she had hired her, and let her interview him, so maybe she was somewhat responsible. "But you see my point," she continued. "I don't know what anyone can do to improve the security situation without anyone willing to work here."

"Frankly, Dr. Leland, we didn't actually come here to discuss improvements," said the mayor. "Or rather, not to add new ones. You see, all these improvements in initiatives and in security have cost this city and its taxpayers an incredible amount of money. You can go over the figures yourself, if you like," he said, gesturing to his accountant.

"No, I believe you," said Dr. Leland. "And I'm sorry to keep having to take their money, but you can't be suggesting we should just let these people out to roam the streets?"

"No, I am not," said the mayor. "I'm suggesting that Arkham starts to pay for itself."

Dr. Leland stared at him. "How, exactly?" she asked, slowly. "We're a hospital, sir – we don't have any way of making money…"

"Indeed you do," interrupted the mayor. "You have the greatest supercriminals the world has ever known all under one roof. Don't you think people would pay to see them?"

"I'm…sorry, I must be misunderstanding you," said Dr. Leland. "Are you suggesting we turn this hospital for the mentally ill into a zoo, where people can pay and stare at the inmates like animals?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm suggesting," said the mayor, nodding. "It's obvious that the inmates are not going to improve – how many times have you tried and failed to cure the Joker, for instance? But even if he won't be helped, he can still be useful."

"By being put on display in a freak show?" asked Dr. Leland.

"Oh, it won't be as tasteless as that," said the mayor, waving his hand. "Although we will need to hire tour guides, or at least put up plaques explaining who everyone is and what their crimes are, in case the public is unfamiliar with some of the lesser known villains. They'll have set viewing times when they're not in therapy, but otherwise, things should continue as normal. You're still operating a hospital and giving therapy, but you're also contributing, and giving back to the people of Gotham City."

"And…what happens if there's a security problem when some of the tourists are here?" asked Dr. Leland. "And some of them get hurt? After the inevitable lawsuits and litigation, won't that end up costing everyone more money than if we just didn't do this in the first place?"

"Well, perhaps a friendly, open-house situation will be more inviting for potential employees, thereby ultimately tightening security," said the mayor. "Maybe with more foot traffic in here, more people will be willing to work here, once they get to know the inmates."

"Um…getting to know the inmates usually doesn't make people want to spend more time with them," said Dr. Leland, slowly.

"Well, not in Dr. Quinzel's case," said the mayor.

"Yeah, but surely you don't want a repeat of that…" began Dr. Leland.

"This has already been discussed and decided, Dr. Leland," interrupted the mayor. "I understand your concerns, but frankly, we're out of money to give you, and the only other option is to shut this place down and send all the patients to Blackgate. And nobody wants that."

"No, especially not the Blackgate convicts," muttered Dr. Leland. "Joker would kill half of them for fun…"

"We'll be starting the new initiative next week," said the mayor. "My office will be taking care of the details – your only job is telling the inmates what's going on, and making sure they behave themselves during viewing hours."

"Oh, that's all," said Dr. Leland, hopefully not too sarcastically. "Lucky me. They're just going to love this."