Disclaimer: I do not own Edward, Bella, The Cullens, or the Volturi, I just have to write to get the voices in my head to shut up.

It's cool if you listen to this with "Angel" by Sarah McLachlin.

EDWARD CULLEN

My feet pounded into the stones of Volterra's bright streets, searching for release from this torture.

I hated myself, hated myself so much I was disappointed that I wouldn't get to be the one to kill me. I left her. She had obviously needed a protector, and I left her there, alone. She'd asked me to stay, and I left her. The broken look on her face haunted me still.

I'd been trying not to admit it, but I always thought I'd see her again. I thought that I would drop in, just for a check, and see a peaceful smile on her face as she slept, and I'd know I'd done the right thing. The expression of agony that was constantly in my mind would be gone, and I would somewhat be at peace. I'd thought I would see her again.

And now she was dead.

Bella was dead.

The knowledge sent a crushing blow through my chest, and I could no longer feel the empty place where my heart used to be. It was gone, I was gone.

I'd spent a century waiting for her, not having a reason, and I'd left her to die.

I hoped they made my death long and painful.

Inside of my head the picture of her in the forest changed, transformed. Her muscles softened, and all of the air rushed out of her.

I saw her white, still, cold. Her eyes glared at me in accusation, and then slowly closed. Her chest didn't rise and fall with her breath, and I couldn't hear her unsteady heartbeat. I saw the bigger picture then; she was in a casket, and being lowered into the ground. I saw Charlie with a fierce look of hatred on his face as he stood there watching her burial, and heard him curse me under his breath.

I saw her writhing on the floor, covered in blood, calling out my name. Her broken leg lay in an unhealthy position, and her head was dripping in blood. I heard the roar of James, and saw him hurl himself at her. She screamed in fear, looking straight into my eyes.

I saw her in the parking lot of Forks High School, staring straight into my eyes with the same look of panic as the screeching of tires filled the air. Her head slowly turned to the van that was about to crush her when the world around her transformed again.

I saw her in Port Angeles, in the middle of the street, and her panicked look stayed the same as the men approached her.

I saw her in my old house, terrified as she was thrown into the table of crystal plates, cutting her arms, her legs, her head.

And she was back in the ballet studio again, except something was different. I had no control of myself at all. I was walking toward her as she screamed my name. Her eyes were relieved as she saw me, and her hands reached out feebly towards me.

I bent down, at first I thought to kiss her neck, but then heard a terrified scream as my teeth slowly sunk into her soft neck.

I pulled back, warm blood dripping down my chin, calling to her, cringing as I saw the blood dripping from her neck onto the wooden floor. I reached down to pull her into my arms, letting out a small cry as I noticed her heart was no longer beating.

Parts of the floor moved, turning a deep blue instead of brown, fighting to take her from me. They didn't move like wood anymore, the floor was liquid now, and pulled her under, out from my arms.

I plunged in, fighting the unusually strong currents, watching the air rush out of her, bubbling to the surface of the water. I could not fight the water, it was too strong for me, and she disappeared out of my sight.

I heard an echo of our last conversation in my head as I opened my eyes, coming back to reality.

"Time heals all wound for your kind," I'd said.

"And your memories?" her shaky voice asked, sending another blow through my chest.

"I won't forget. I'll never forget. Even in death," I said aloud, tuning out the lie I'd told her.

Even in death.

I concentrated on her voice, trying to keep my memory of her alive. It was no use

I'd tried everything; I'd asked them, I'd pleaded with them; I almost went hunting in the city. I couldn't do it in the end; I'd been Carlisle's first son. I wouldn't leave him disappointed in me.

The real reason I couldn't go hunting, though this was one of those things that I wouldn't admit to myself, was that I couldn't see their panicked fearful faces. It would make the daydream become real in a tangible, quantifiable way. I couldn't have that. I was in enough pain already.

I slipped further towards the building I was near, trying to avoid the sun…

"I don't scare you?" my voice asked in my head. I could see the prisms of light bouncing off my skin in my memories, a rainbow of colors in the open air.

"No more than usual," her voice echoed in my head. I let the look of her wonder fill my mind, trying to dispel the frightening visions. I'd always wondered idly while she slept, about dreams and nightmares. I'd wondered what it would be like to have a nightmare.

I think I know now.

She'd been unable to take her eyes off of my skin, fascinated. My luminous skin had entranced her. It was unlike anything she'd seen before.

I figured I'd have to force the Volturi to kill me, and I now had a plan.

It was simple, easy, and something they wouldn't allow. They'd have to be so quick, and it would be a definite end. I was dully pleased with the genius of this plan.

Just step into the sunlight. That was it. That was all I needed to do. They wouldn't be able to not kill me.

I'd picked the date out of the minds of some people I passed by. It was Saint Marcus day, the day they praised the "dead Saint" Marcus for running the vampires out of Volterra. Over time it had just turned into a celebration for their towns' police. They were gathering in the square, surrounding the clock tower. Everyone was there. Excellent. They would have to move very quickly.

I decided that under the clock tower would gather the most attention. I wanted to alert them as fast as possible. It was already thirty till noon, so I decided I would do it as soon as the clock tolled noon, when the sun was highest in the sky. That ought to be good.

"You must never, never, never think of anything like that again! No matter what might ever happen to me, you are not allowed to hurt yourself!" Bella's voice yelled angrily in my head. The angry was not as painful as the panicked or broken ones were, so I clung to it. I closed my eyes as I ran through the shadowed alleyways, so I could see her face.

As I remembered, I put myself in the memory, devoted all of my focus to it. I had to hold on to her, I had to remember. I'd never forget. Not if I lived millions of years. I refused to think about that though, too painful. I was going to die. I had to. I continued to focus on my memory as I raced to the clock tower.

Her eyebrows were furrowed, causing her skin to crease in-between them. Her teeth were clenched together, and her eyes were furious. She had a fiery determinated look in her eyes

This vision, though, had pains of its own.

The memory was too vivid, to real. I could feel the warm and gentle hands, the thin skin, the pulsing hot blood, against my face. It sent a shot of aching need through my body. I would never feel that again.

I bit down on my lip. I could not afford to make any noise now, it might ruin my plans. I opened my eyes.

I saw the crowds of laughing people, their trivial thoughts and worthless pleasures bored me, and I felt a slight pang of guilt as I thought as the ones' thoughts that could entertain me. I'd left my family with no excuse, no goodbye. I felt very sorry for what Alice was inevitably seeing now.

That didn't change my mind, though.

I closed my eyes, trying to think of the good times I'd had with Bella. I knew it was trivial, but I wanted my last thoughts to be of her. I wanted to remember.

I saw her lying in her bed, tossing and turning restlessly, mumbling incoherent words to herself.

"Edward." she'd said.

I saw her talking in the meadow, the wind ruffling her hair, the sun making her skin glow in a very translucent way.

"You know how I feel of course. I came- which, loosely translated means I'd rather die than stay away from you."

Her words made me feel like a knife was being twisted in my stomach, so I moved on to the next memory, fighting back the overwhelming grief I felt. She'd gotten over it. Her death had been about something completely different. It had to be. I was nothing special. I was a monster.

"Well, I was thinking, since It's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."

"You're greedy tonight."

"Yes I am - but please, don't do anything that you don't want to do." her voice said persuasively.

"Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do."

I was worried now, because of the pain the other physical memory had caused, and clenched my fists. This memory was stronger, more real. I could enjoy this one because of how real it was. Her hot, soft lips molded around my hard, cold ones and I could almost faintly smell her scent. The ecstasy of this memory was perfect, and I smiled to myself.

The clock tolled, alerting me that the end of the pain was near.

Her voice grew louder now, pleading with me.

"No, Edward, no!" the voice yelled. This was an amazing reproduction of her voice. It was almost as if I was hallucinating. I could really hear her now. I could hear her heartbeat, smell her in the distance.

I stepped forward, into the path that would lead to an end to my suffering. I smiled as her scent grew stronger…

Then something touched me, like a stroke from the lightest feather. The warm body flew back, and I was panicked as it drew away from me, so I held on to it, careful to be gentle with it.

I opened my eyes, and Bella was there; real, warm, and beautiful as ever. I hadn't seen anything this beautiful for what seemed like years. Happiness blossomed through my heart that was suddenly there again, and I smiled in shock at the foreign emotion.

I was dead, and Bella was too.

After all of those years we did have souls. I wondered, somewhere in the back of my mind, how Bella had ended up in hell. It didn't capture my interest for long, though.

"Amazing, Carlisle was right." I said to her, taking her in with elation.

She spoke, and I listened to the sound of her voice carefully, brushing her warm cheek with my hand. I could feel the blood pulsing beneath her skin, felt her warm breath on my face, and choked back the cry of joy that leapt into my throat when I fully realized we were together again.

"I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing – they're very good," I said, still looking at her. They were very fast, I wondered how Alec had come unnoticed, I still wasn't sure exactly how his power worked. He could numb you, couldn't he? It would be very easy for anyone, even a human, to sneak up on me then. I was completely lost in the remembrance of Bella.

And now she was here, right here, in my arms.

She was so beautiful. Her warmth blanketed me, and I felt at peace, even though we were in hell. My heart welled up in my chest, feeling as if it was trying to beat, and I bent down, kissing the hair of my Bella.

"Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty," I said, and I wondered why I could still hear the clock toll for the last time.

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