title In the Space Where Your Brain and Your Heart Collide
author patientalien
rating PG-13
summary Obi-Wan recovers from Zigoola in fits and starts, and Anakin and Bail follow along.
notes citizenjess wanted a post-Zigoola fic, so, uh, here it is. A 50-sentence fic written mostly during Star Wars Weekends. Title is from "Berlin" by Amanda Palmer.
#01 - Comfort
Obi-Wan is only vaguely aware of being picked up and carried down the ramp of Padme's ship, but the strong arms encircling him are decidedly familiar and Obi-Wan leans into the comforting warmth of Anakin's embrace.
#02 - Kiss
He feels soft lips pressed against his forehead; they are pulled away abruptly as the sound of an unhappy Healer's voice admonishes the owner of said lips to get out of the way.
#03 - Soft
The blanket he is under rubs against his skin unpleasantly - it's not a rough blanket, he knows, but he wonders if he will ever be able to experience its true soft texture again (or maybe he has been irreparably damaged).
#04 - Pain
The pain feels like it will never end, creeping past his shields and ripping him apart at the seams; he tries not to scream and it comes out in a pained whimper - it is the feeling of helplessness he hates the most.
#05 - Potatoes
The only solid food he feels like eating is mashed tuber roots; Anakin brings them up from the Temple commissary and watches him eat, face pinched, with faraway eyes.
#06 - Rain
His first night back in their apartment is host to one of Coruscant's infrequent storms - the rolling thunder and rain slapping against the windows remind him all too vividly of other things.
#07 - Chocolate
Anakin flits around the apartment as if he is walking on eggshells, uncertain in a way he has never been, and Obi-Wan offers him the dessert from his lunch just to get him to sit down for five minutes.
#08 - Happiness
Happiness has never been something he has actively sought, but now that he feels like he will never experience it again he finds himself missing it.
#09 - Telephone
News travels fast in the Temple, a vicious game of Holophone; by the time the rumors get back to him, they have morphed into something that doesn't even remotely resemble the truth.
#10 - Ears
He doesn't want to hear Anakin rail against Bail Organa; once the younger man broke his nervous silence all he can talk about is how if only he had been there and Bail is to blame - it tires him, and he tunes it out.
#11 - Name
He is Obi-Wan Kenobi; he knows this as he knows anything else - he is a Jedi regardless of how he feels deep down so he pushes all other thoughts aside.
#12 - Sensual
The first time he sees Bail again, he is embarrassed; the man knows too much, has seen into inner workings of his mind that no-one (not Qui-Gon, not Anakin, not even Yoda) could possibly know - it is too intimate and he turns away.
#13 - Death
He can sense Anakin's distress through the Force; the younger man is dreaming of death again, screaming in his sleep, agonized - Obi-Wan knows that it is his death causing the pain, and he raises his shields.
#14 - Sex
Anakin traces the burn scar on Obi-Wan's leg, snarling "Bail did this to you" as Obi-Wan frowns, protests.
#15 - Touch
The moment is lost; Anakin is angry now, demanding Obi-Wan talk to him, pushing him into the pillows as if holding him there will get him to talk.
#16 - Weakness
He is a Jedi, he is better than this, and he does not want to rehash the past with Anakin, who is always so unable to move beyond it.
#17 - Tears
Anakin's eyes are prickling with angry tears as he accuses Obi-Wan of lying to him, of taking kriffing Organa's side, as if his furious words will make Obi-Wan change his mind.
#18 - Speed
For the first time since the explosion, Obi-Wan takes a citybike out for a ride, easing it slowly through the winding traffic, well below the normal speed limit.
#19 - Wind
At the top of the Temple spire the wind howls, but his mind is quiet.
#20 - Freedom
It is liberating, in a strange way, to shut Anakin out of this; Zigoola was something for him (and Bail) alone.
#21 - Life
Life goes on, but Anakin dwells, even as Obi-Wan tries to forget, but the memory of darkness fills his thoughts at inopportune times.
#22 - Jealousy
"So you'll talk to Organa about this but not me?" Anakin demands, in fact downright snarls, and he looks like he wants the universe to end and Obi-Wan thinks that he does not want his friend to hurt - he does this for Anakin, not for himself, as always, as usual.
#23 - Hands
Anakin's hands, flesh and durasteel, roam Obi-Wan's body, taking in the newest collection of scars - he hisses when he reaches the burn on Obi-Wan's leg, and Obi-Wan almost jerks away.
#24 - Taste
He allows Anakin to kiss him hungrily, tasting some tart juice and a tang of alcohol and mint toothpaste; he falls into it.
#25 - Devotion
"I can help you," Anakin announces decisively; Obi-Wan still has not mentioned the crippling headaches, but Anakin is not that unobservant, so Obi-Wan assumes he knows.
#26 - Forever
This one feels like it has lasted, and will last, forever, the pain like a living thing that creeps behind Obi-Wan's eyes, squeezing out all that he has ever been.
#27 - Blood
His nose starts bleeding, and suddenly Anakin is at his side; he is saying something, but Obi-Wan's can't quite make out the words.
#28 - Sickness
Anakin's hand is on his forehead; the boy is not a Healer but he still siphons the sickness and pain from Obi-Wan into himself - he cannot release it into the Force quick enough to prevent himself from feeling the effects, and eventually he drops to the floor.
#29 - Melody
It is like a choir singing, the pain gone for the first time since he has returned from Zigoola - he had forgotten what it felt like without it.
#30 - Star
"Are you okay?" are Anakin's first words upon waking, and Obi-Wan winces; Anakin should not be using his star-bright gifts in such a manner.
#31 - Home
Bail Organa's apartment does not feel quite like home, but it does feel somewhat comfortable; at least, it used to.
#32 - Confusion
He is not sure why he is shying away from Bail; they have been friends for ages, it seems, and their shared experience on Zigoola should have brought them closer together.
#33 - Fear
He realizes abruptly that it is because he fears what Bail now knows about him, what that could mean for himself, his position as a Jedi; what happened on Zigoola was out of his control, but Bail now knows the depths of his heart, and that terrifies him - and he thinks he has known this all along.
#34 - Lightning/Thunder
Obi-Wan can tell Anakin is foregoing sleep again; the lightning-quick peaks and valleys of his moods a dead giveaway (and Obi-Wan knows this time it is because of him).
#35 - Bonds
Obi-Wan knows he has formed bonds with others, bonds not easily broken even though he has pushed those others away, because he fears the impact Zigoola has had on his ability to feel anything at all.
#36 - Market
"I'm going to get some food," Anakin announces, stumbling slightly in his exhaustion; Obi-Wan sucks in a breath, pushes his headache to the furthest reaches of his consciousness, and offers to join him.
#37 - Technology
Anakin comes up with some kind of sensor-cap to help with the headaches, soothing pulses against Obi-Wan's skull simulating Anakin's own presence within the Force; it still isn't the same and it still hurts, but he refuses to allow Anakin to subject himself to the pain again and he refuses to see the Healers (he will make do).
#38 - Gift
"A gift for you," Bail says, and presents Obi-Wan a beautifully intricate moss-painting, a peace offering, a plea to return back to normal.
#39 - Smile
He smiles, then, truly and widely and for the first time since even before Zigoola.
#40 - Innocence
Anakin pretends not to know where the moss-painting comes from or the reason behind it, but the glittering sharpness in his eyes says otherwise.
#41 - Completion
It takes him months to be able to finish a full meditation session without reliving the horrible waking nightmare; the first time he does so is in Anakin's presence and the power of it brings him nearly to tears.
#42 - Clouds
There are no clouds in Coruscant's atmosphere to speak of, but the hundreds of thousands of speeders and starships leave chem-trails that mimic cloud cover; Obi-Wan stands on the roof of the Temple spire and follows them.
#43 - Sky
"Skyguy was beside himself," Ahsoka informs him over tea; he is not surprised by the words but rather the depth of feeling she injects into them, the obvious care she has for her new Master.
#44 - Heaven
The first night he spends with Bail without nightmares and without panic is the first night he is truly able to say he is feeling better.
#45 - Hell
The following night is spent with Anakin, rubbing the younger man's back as he screams in his sleep.
#46 - Sun
Now that he can say he is recovering - no, recovered, certainly - it feels good to leave the Temple from time to time; not for too long, don't want to overdo it, but the sun feels good on his skin and the fresh air does him some even greater good.
#47 - Moon
But he is not recovered, knows he never truly will be no matter how much he insists otherwise, no matter how much he reassures Anakin over and over; he cannot recover from Zigoola and he no longer hopes to.
#48 - Waves
Anakin's consciousness is coming in waves; the Healers say he has exhausted himself and Obi-Wan realizes his lack of headaches the past few days has a definite, very human cause.
#49 - Hair
He sits at Anakin's beside and strokes his hair, mentally preparing the lecture he will be delivering as soon as his former apprentice awakes.
#50 - Supernova
Zigoola will leave a mark on Obi-Wan for the rest of his life; he knows this, accepts it, but he is a Jedi and he will move on because it is his duty, and his love for his duty burns brighter than any supernova.
-end-