This is my first attempt at fanfiction so thought I would start with something small. Spoilers for Millers Crossing. Was struck my Sheps emotions and felt a need to fill in the gaps.

Section 1;

Rodney hid his feelings beneath Genius, Sarcasm and bluff. Some people wore their heart on their sleeves. Rodney wore his in his eyes. Sheppard wondered how he hadn't noticed this from the start but few people seemed to spend enough time around Rodney to realize this. John noticed – He thinks that's how it started.

John kept his heart in a little box in a secret place inside. Very few people managed to find it and he was always surprised when someone did.

Rodney stood in front of him telling him about the weakened wraith. John could see the raw pain and guilt in his eyes. He knew better than to try and talk sense into Rodney, as far as Rodney was concerned he was to blame for everything and nothing John would say would change Rodney's views on the matter.

Too see so much pain on Rodney's face hurt and he hugged himself to stop himself reaching out to him. He could feel his control slipping looking into Rodney's blue desperate eyes so he moved his hands until they gripped the desk. He tried to explain to Rodney that they would not be able to supply the Wraith with meals on wheels.

"I know, that's why it has to be me"

"What??" He figures he must have misheard, to intent on controlling his own thoughts and emotions, being to careful not to betray anything.

"I want him to feed on me"

He bolts upright, wanting to shake sense into Rodney. He manages to squash down the emotion quickly and takes a nonchalant stance and with his head cocked to one side and his voice dangerously controlled he states "You-Wanna-What!"

"Let him feed on me"

If Rodney thought he was going to stand by and let a wraith take Rodney from him, well, he could just think again. He said something about the Wraith not giving him his life back when everything was done.

"No" he said heavily and full of emotion. Blind panic and anger seared his brain as Rodney explained about the death of Sarah. John said something about thinking the nanites could do something but found he couldn't even think straight enough to finish the sentence. Rodney tried to explain about the procedure and what went wrong but John was transfixed by the pain and anguish that was blatant in Rodney's face, unable to take in fully what he was saying.

"I cant loose my sister, John"

It brought him back with a bang and it made his heart flutter, even amongst the chaos, when Rodney called him John – a step towards an intimacy that he knew he would never have. To Rodney it was nothing more than a tool to make sure John knew he was sincere and that what was said would come from the heart. The flutter was short lived when he saw that the sentence was accompanied by a body shudder as Rodney's tried to hide the depth of the emotions that raked through his system. God, It hurt to see his Rodney in so much pain.

"That wraith will kill you" Just the thought of this turned John cold inside.

"My choice to make" Rodney replied, raising his chin defiantly and stared chillingly into Johns face. The thought hurt for some reason, probably because John's thoughts and feelings were not counted in this statement and that hurt.

"No, its not, " You are an invaluable member of my team"….cop-out he thought to himself….."and you report directly to me"….Desperation starting to set in. He needed facts, Rodney was a scientist not a soldier. He responded to facts, not orders. If he could find facts to dissuade him but here weren't any and he knew if it was Rodney in that hospital bed he would be arguing for this for himself. Rodney asked if he was going to talk about chain of command now, his face moving away from the direct contact and looking, John knew, for another argument.

"I can't" He wanted to add, I can't watch you die. He wanted to shout at him, To loose you would break me Rodney, why can't you see that, without you I cant breath. But he didn't. He couldn't risk the friendship, especially not now when Rodney would need him most. Rodney turned his face to Johns, locking eyes in a final attempt and just said one word in a quite pleading voice that broke Johns heart. "Please"

John looked into his face and the agony caused him physical pain. He swallowed, steeling himself and his emotions, barely able to contain the raw agony he felt at Rodney's pain. He opened his mouth to reply and found the emotion to raw. He closed his mouth and broke eye contact, gulping down the emotion that threatened to free itself and then he opened his mouth and as he turned to look Rodney in the face he threw the words out of his mouth before he choked.

"I'm sorry"

Most of all, John thought, I'm sorry that I cant make you see you're not to blame. Wallace started this and Wallace should be the one to pay the price. Not you Rodney, Never You.

Rodney's eyes took on a panicked look, trying to find a way out. John knew what lengths he would go to because he knew what lengths he would go to for Rodney. He demanded his access card and Rodney turned to look at him like he had struck him in the face, John steeled himself and lifted his chin forcing himself to look into those blue watery eyes. Rodney faltered and he handed the card over to him and left. Sheppard knew he would find a way and so he had to work quickly but first he had to do something else.

He walked over the door and closed it and then slumped against the wall, sliding down to the floor, wrapping his arms around his torso to try and hold in the emotions. Tears filled his eyes and he buried his head in his knees. He need to be composed for the next step – he needed to be cold and so he released some of the emotions and then battled the emotions down to a place where he could hold them at bay.

Section 2 to Follow;