Order of the Biscuit

***

"I hereby claim this land as Deceptiland! All who oppose shall perish in a volley of gunfire." Megatron announced.

Camera pans out, revealing the setting: the roof of a nearby Wallmart. Some how, Megatron is standing on top of it without the roof caving in. He's holding a really big flag with the Decepticon logo on it.

The rest of the Decepticon's are on neighboring roofs, each standing on their own building and organized according to rank.

Starscream was on K-mart, Soundwave was on Safeway and the rest we're on top of smaller, lesser known stores. Except Rumble, he was standing on a daycare.

"Megatroooon." Starscream whined. "Why aren't the buildings caving in?"

"Fool! I obey no law of Gravity!" He smacked his second in command with the flag pole.

"Stop, Megatron!" Optimus pulled up. "You can't have Wallmart! Not while I'm alive!"

"You sound less epic," Soundwave said. "when you talk about conquering franchises."

"Ahm here, ahm here." Ironhide said, pulling up beside Optimus. "Whad Ah miss?"

"Gee, Ironhide, you sound less intelligible in writing." Megatron said.

"Ah know, ah know…" Ironhide said.

"Battle of good vs. Evil!" Optimus shouted. "Go!"

"Wait!" Starscream interrupted. "Just who said we are the evil ones, hmm? For all you know, we could be the good guys."

"Not likely." Prime answered. " Remember this: 'to destroy~! The evil forces! Of the Decepticons~!'. It's right there in the intro. I watched the G1 series."

"We've all watched the G1 series, Prime." Megatron said, looking unhappy. "I wanted that giant Purple griffin! But do I ever get anything like that? No! And what does the producer say? 'We need continuity! We need logic! We need an hour and a half of some random dorky kid running about and getting a girlfriend! 'Cause no one is totally here to watch robots! We-"

"Megatron!" Optimus interrupted. "You're ranting about it again."

"Oh, Whoopsies. Anyway, I still want those doomsday devices G1 had. We never get anything that nice."

"That's not true, Megatron." Optimus said. "You got that pyramid, life-sucker thing."

"It's not the same."

"I know it isn't."

The two of them sighed and hugged each other.

"Can we get back to the matter at hand?!" Asked Starscream. "You have no proof of that Decepticons are evil."

"I said it was in the 80's intro!"

"That's not proof! A mere passing reference in a short, catchy jingle is not enough to claim an entire race is evil!"

"Sure it is."

"No. It's not. And in that same intro, Blitzwing was crushed to death! And yet, he is still alive. I'm suing G1 for fraud."

*** One week later ***

"Alright ya'll! I'm Quickstrike, from tha' Beast wars continuity no one ever watches. I'll be your judge today, yee haw!"

In the crowd, Ironhide elbowed Prime and pointed at Quickstrike. "Ah like 'im already."

"First order o' business," Quickstike announced. "Is to do that little talking thing, with the lawyers and stuff."

Starscream, the persecutor, raised his hand.

"Yeah? You Wit' the wings?"

"Are you seriously the judge?!"

"Nah. I just thought it'd be fun to play around with this here gavel thingy."

Starscream promptly threw him out the window. "Where's the real judge?"

"Right here."

For some inexplicable reason, the judge of this trial is G1 Sunstreaker. Striding forward, he glared disdainfully at the podium.

"Alright, let's get this over with…"

Starscream immediately pointed towards the Defendant. "Fraud!"

"Your accusation is highly illogical." Prowl, the Defendant, said. "And what do you stand to gain with such endeavors? We don't have any money."

"Sunstreaker, I want them put behind bars!"

"You are to refer to me as 'Your honor'. It's the only reason I agreed to do this jig." Sunstreaker glanced at his hand like a woman checking her finger nails.

"Your honor. I'm suing for defamation of Character! These inconsiderate slaggers have wrongfully claimed that I am evil."

"Objection!" Prowl shouted. "He is evil!"

"Prove it!" Starscream responded.

"Aren't you acting as your own lawyer?"

"Yes." Starscream smirked. "Yes I am."

"Enough said."

"Hey!"

"Order! Order!" Sunstreaker banged the gavel a few times. "I declare this case… A tie!"

"What?!" Starscream shrieked." That's not a legal ruling! I want a second opinion!"

"Alright. Biscuits are sooo last century. Case adjourned."

***

The End