CHAPTER 1: A Disappointing Miscarriage

BITTER tears flowed from Tayvie's cunt. He had miscarried again.

In his hand he held the fruit of his love, the one thing he had loved and cared about more than anything except for his first two miscarriages. Kristina Noon 3.

Jeannine burst into Tayvie's room. "A sock didn't make it in," she said, defeated. He looked around to see his mother naked from the waist down and holding a sock in one hand. Her ginger pubes were noticeably ruffled.

"Stop trying to put things in your vagina, Mother." She walked away forlornly, not even noticing the premature death of her third potential granddaughter. This was a very disappointing miscarriage, Tayvie reflected. More disappointing than Kristina 1, for whom Taylor had spent several minutes knitting a small hat for to cheer her brother up, and even Kristina 2, whose remains were ravenously eaten by Spongebob after falling out of Tayvie's cooch.

Why was this miscarriage so disappointing? Because this one had happened because Tayvie smoked too much crystal meth.

Tayvie had nobody to blame but himself. He dreaded making that phone call to Seth, his love, who was off on a business. Seth said that he had a feeling this Kristina would live so he accepted a promotion at his job in pharmaceutical sales to raise money in anticipation of their family life, and had recently flown out to Cincinnati for a seasonal position. He and Tayvie had discussed making the move together but Tayvie decided it was too important that the baby grew to term in his home, surrounded by family. Seth supported his decision.

A few seconds after Seth's departure Tayvie's gooch started to itch and to fill the void of a good old-fashioned visit to pound town he tried to look up other activities. He browsed the internet, eventually happening upon a friendly-looking drug forum wherein many users recommended crystal meth for pregnant mothers. Meth was good for mother and child, they claimed.

Tayvie, understandably nervous after two miscarriages, was too tempted to turn back. Little did he know that Jason from the internet is not always a wise role model.

And since then, whenever images of Seth pervaded his mind, he would simply grab his pipe and smoke a little crystal. Now, at rock bottom and needing to take steam off, he dusted off Kristina 3's remains, placed them on top of his bookshelf where Sam or Spongebob would not be able to get to them, and reached for his pipe again, but he was halted by a knock on the door. "Come in," he choked.

He turned to see his older sister Taylor, with a disposition as sunny as her yellow locks. She walked in casually, pausing at the sight of Kristina 3 on top of the bookshelf.

"Tayvie!" she shrieked. "You should have told me you had the baby! She's precious, based on the novel Push by Sapphire!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP TAYLOR, THAT ISN'T A BABY, THAT MIGHT AS WELL BE A ROTTEN FUCKING HAMBURGER PATTY. I MISCARRIED AGAIN NOW LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE SO THAT I CAN SMOKE MY METH."

Just then the doorbell rang. Jeannine looked from the lasaga she was cooking. "Aha! The doorbell," she said. She looked expectantly at her husband Dave, who was sitting on the chair with Sam the dog watching the Celebrity Apprentice.

"Who could it be?" Dave asked. "I'm not expecting anyone."

Jeannine answered the door to see a pizza delivery man with a nametag reading 'Jerry'. He was holding a pizza. Jeannine frowned. "We didn't order a pizza."

"I got an order from someone named Spongebob in this house."

"Oh, of course," Jeannine turned and called, "Spongebob! Your pizza is here!"

Jeannine and Dave's third child Spongebob then came running down the hallway. She was a puppy. "You could have just brought it to me," she snapped at Jeannine.

"Well you need to pay for it, Spongebob," Jeannine retorted, "not to mention you didn't need to order it in the first place, I was making some really good lasaga."

"I already paid for it online, Mom," Spongebob replied flippantly, "and I never denied your lasaga, I will definitely have some of it as well."

Jeannine chuckled. "Nothing less for my growing puppy."

Spongebob grabbed the pizza in her mouth and walked back down the hallway to her room. After walking by a noticeably offended Taylor, she peeked into Tayvie's room where she could see him smoking meth. She gasped.

Tayvie was surprised by her chastising voice. "You really shouldn't smoke that Tayvie, I learned in health class that it's bad for you. Plus you might get addicted. That can't be good for the baby." He'd had enough of people saying what was best for his dead unborn daughter.

"Spongebob, you're a fucking puppy, how would you ever take a health class?"

Spongebob shrugged. "Suit yourself, I guess." She left. Tayvie suddenly wanted very much to move out of this house forever. This family sucked, and he began more and more to convince himself that his miscarriages might have been their fault, after all one of his mother's children came out a puppy.

He felt desperate. Seth was gone, and he had no means of escape. No money, no car, no close connections. Why didn't he have any money? He looked at his meth and realized he spent it all on meth. That's when he realized. "I should cook meth," he said to himself.

He didn't realize Fionna had walked in. She jumped on his lap, interrupting his meth smoking. "God damnit Fionna get off of me." Her frilly dress was tickling his gooch in a way only Seth had achieved.

"We could cook meth together, me and you," she cooed to him.

"Damn Fionna, I didn't know you were into that shit."

"Not doing it, just selling it. It's an incredibly lucrative market and if you want any chance at having a real baby you're going to have to buy one at this point. Your womb is cursed."

Tayvie considered this. He had never thought about buying a baby,

"I'm gonna have to think it over, Fionna. Let's talk after I eat some of Mother's lasaga."

"Fine," Fionna jumped off of him matter-of-factly, "just remember, this is about me and you getting XBOX Ones, the rest of them are merely there to… get us through the doors."

Meanwhile, Spongebob sat alone in her room. She was still finishing a chuckle over the fact that Jeannine had not questioned the fact that she, a thirteen-year-old puppy, had her own credit card to buy a pizza online. She opened the pizza box to reveal the pizza, except instead of a pizza it was CRYSTAL METH.

Spongebob took a mortar and pestle and quickly mashed a crystal to snort it. She finished just in time to hear a knock on the door. "Do you still want some of this lasaga?" Jeannine's voice called from behind it.

Spongebob closed the pizza box, grinning. "Definitely."\