Title: The Vegetable Must Be Destroyed

Pairing: None

Rating: K+ for a bit of swearing.

Timeframe: I suppose you could say post-Whitebeard/W.G war.

Warnings: No spoilers, but it's pretty crack-ish, and there's probably some OOC-ness. You be the judge on that one.

Disclaimer: One Piece is not mine (haven't decided if that's a good or bad thing yet, XD), and the song doesn't belong to me either.

Hope you enjoy reading and imagining this as much as I did writing it.

-----X3-----

With the Thousand sunny approaching a winter island in the dead of winter (about two weeks short of Christmas if you must know), it was only expected of the Grandline in that particular area to be pitch black in the early hours of the morning.

Even so, Usopp grumbled discontentedly, tightly grasping his winter coat around his shivering body, despite the fact I still have to completely acquaint myself with this ship, you'd think that I'd at least remember about that inconveniently placed loose board Franky told me about yesterday.

The sniper cursed and winced when his bruised knee throbbed in pain as he made his way across the snowy deck towards the galley, stepping cautiously so as not to injure himself again.

It was very rare that one found the usually amicable Usopp in such a terribly bad mood, but after completing a blustery, freezing cold two hour watch on the fore-deck (the crow's nest having been commandeered by the sword-toting first mate) with no visibility and then a trek through semi-deep snow back to the boys' room that resulted in a banged knee; one might feel at least a smidgeon inclined to see why.

Usopp groped in the darkness for the banister, and allowed a tiny ray of gratitude pierce his grumpy disposition when a warm light shone through the galley window providing him with visibility.

Looks like Sanji's up. I'll go ask him for an ice pack.

At that point, only a very foolish person with a death wish would have pointed out to Usopp the huge amount of snow on the deck at his disposal.

"I swear to god," Usopp muttered darkly as he stiffly climbed the stairs, "If Sanji thinks he is in a bad mood and gives me shit about "getting out of his kitchen", he'll be finding spiders in his bed for months."

Satisfied with this thought, the sniper made his way across the landing and grasped the doorknob, fumbling slightly thanks to his mittens and partially numb fingers. Usopp was about to enter when he heard something decisively...odd.

"My future's starting, I've got to let it,
Stick with that plant, and gee, my bank account will thrive..."

Is Sanji....singing? Usopp hesitated before opening the door, then shrugged and entered. Any other time he'd have given the place a wide berth as he suspected Sanji wouldn't appreciate this little secret spreading around the ship's crew, but now Usopp was tired, he was sore and he was cold and, quite frankly...didn't give a flying Seaking's arse whether Sanji killed him or not.


"...What am I saying? No way! Forget it!
It's much too dangerous to keep that plant alive!"

Judging by Sanji's slightly muffled voice and his current absence from the galley, Usopp guessed he was in the store room, picking out ingredients to cook for breakfast. Closing the door behind him, making sure it didn't slam (okay, so maybe Usopp did care a little if he died in the next few seconds or not), Usopp rolled his eyes and limped to the fridge.

"I take these offers, that means more killing,
Who knew success would come with messy, nasty strings?"

Usopp quickly pulled off his gloves, fingers slightly more dextrous now in the warmth, and set to picking the lock of the Luffy-proofed ice box. It only took him seconds before he was successful and he triumphantly reached into the cold depths to withdraw his prize. The next lines of Sanji's song drifted to meet his ears, seeming to get slightly louder as footsteps approached.

"I sign these contracts, that means I'm willing,
To keep on doing bloody, awful, evil things!"

Sanji entered the galley; completely oblivious to the sharpshooter's presence as he was too immersed in his song...that and the crate of gleaming red tomatoes he was carrying obstructed his view. Usopp, meanwhile, stepped back out of the way of the short-tempered blond and observed him with something akin to exasperation.

"No! No! There's only so far you can bend..."

The cook put the crate down on the kitchen counter and stubbed out his cigarette...

"No! No! This nightmare must come to an end..."

...he reached across the counter and smoothly dragged a chopping board before him...

"No! No! You've got no alternative, Sanji old boy..."

...plucked a sharp knife from its special place in the drawer and used it to airily conduct the tune of his song...

"Though it means you'll be broke again and unemployed..."

...grabbed a tomato from the crate and set it on the chopping board with an air of malicious intent...

"It's the only solution. It can't be avoided..."

...before gazing down at the innocuous little red plant with a crazed, maniacal grin on his face and speaking the last few words...

"The vegetable must be destroyed...Nyaaaaagh!"

Sanji had finally caught sight of Usopp in the corner, watching him with a dry lack of amusement.

And just when I started to think I'd turned invisible, Usopp thought wearily.

The two boys stared at one another for a time that seemed to drag into hours. Sanji's mouth gaped, small, choked, broken noises escaping from it, and he was in danger of losing his cigarette. Usopp just looked bored. Really, he was far too worn-out and irritable to deal with this sort of crap right now.

"Fruit." Sanji shut his mouth abruptly in surprise and blinked.

"...W...what?" Usopp sighed, rolled his eyes, and pointed at the tomato Sanji had been leering over like Dr. Frankenstein.

"A tomato's a fruit dumbass, not a vegetable...duh."

And with that, Usopp swept out of the galley, no less graceful than he usually was despite his knee, and left a shell shocked Sanji staring at his retreating back.

"Yeah...right," the cook mumbled, "I totally knew that."

-----X3-----

Blame a late night, copious amounts of sugar, the influence of friends, and the Little Shop of Horrors soundtrack for this one.

While I'd be the last one to try and convince everyone that Usopp knows that a tomato is a fruit (not a vegetable) while Sanji doesn't, I was stuck when trying to find a neat, hopefully humorous ending, and managed to come up with this.

If it makes you feel any better Sanji fangirls, Usopp probably ended up with a total of zero fried tomatoes on his breakfast plate. Poor, poor Usopp-chan. XD

Hope you enjoyed.

L.E.