Hello. This is just a pointless, hilarious story that will keep me awake. WHAT?! WHAT'S THIS?! ME???? WRITING POINTLESS STORIES???!!! What a shock. Okaaaaaaay. Today, I am bookmark high. Yes, bookmark high. Not sugar high, bookmark high. Not Princess Bride high (wink, wink, Topaz). Bookmark ok I'll shut up now. Just let me remind you that what you're about to read is just a ton of meaningless babble anyway.
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Harry, Harry!" Hermione screeched at the top of her lungs. Harry ran up the steps to the second floor of Hogwarts and Hermione reached out to him. The he ran back down. Then he ran up again. Then he ran down. Then he ran up. The he ran down. The he ran up. Then Hermione smacked him. (Ha! I bet you weren't expecting that!)"
I'm sorry, Harry," she apologized sweetly. "But I just had to do that.""It's really all right!" he replied. "I am high on bookmarks. Did you know that I am in a book? You are in it too. And Ron, and Dumbledore, and Draco, and Voldie, and Neville, and" Hermione smacked him.
"I'm sorry, Harry," she said again. "But
you were driving me insane. And then they would have had to take me away and put me in the padded cell with the snail from the Forbidden Forest.""What snail?" asked Harry.
"His name is Monty," answered Hermione. "I like him. He's my friend."
"Hermione," Harry scolded, smiling. "Are you high on bookmarks too?"
"No. I am high on Thiamine Mononitrate." (and no, I did not make that up, if you were wondering. I found it in the ingredients on the Cheez-It box.)
Finally, after staring at Hermione for a very long time, Harry said, "Wasn't there something you wanted me for?"
"Oh, yeah, that. My cat is bleeding," Hermione answered.
Crookshanks was lying on the floor, breathing heavily and bleeding profusely. (looook! It's a big word. Please look at it. Count its letters! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9! Nine letters! I, me, Mrs. Norris, used a NINE LETTER WORD in one of MY fics! Oh, getting on, then)
"Oh no!" Harry gasped. "It's the lookus a lottus likus bloodius curse!"
Hermione looked shaken, though not because of her cat. "But I don't even know what that is! There must be a book in the library I forgot to read!"
Ron walked by whistling "We All Live in a Yellow Submarine".
"Okay. Well, Harry, what does this curse do?" Hermione asked, suddenly interested in her cat again.
"The wizard says the curse and KETCHUP (or catsup, whichever you prefer) squirts out of his or her wand! When it lands on the victim, they fall asleep and look like they are bleeding!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! MY POOOOOOOOOOOOOR KITTY CAT!!!!!!!!" screamed Hermione.
Harry put a comforting arm around her. "There, there, it's all right, my little fudgie bum."
Hermione's eyes bugged out, but then she put them back in and asked, "How do we fix my poor maimed cat?" (ooooooooooh, maimed, I like that word. It makes me sound intelligent. Maimed, maimed, maimed)
"There is only one cure, and one cure alone," Harry whispered mysteriously. "We must find a one-legged circus clown with a picture of a seagull painted on his left cheek. He has to be wearing one red shoe and one aquamarineish-ochre colored shoe. And he also must have a spinning light-up bow tie that sings Happy Birthday' every time you come with three and 9/8 in. close to it."
"Really?" asked Hermione.
"No," Harry said. "Just make Ron blow in his ear."
So Ron blew in the cat's ear and all was well.
DING DING DING DING DING!!!! YOU'VE JUST ENTERED THE BONUS ROUND! IT'S MULTIPLE ENDING TIME!
ENDING #1:
SINCE RON SAVED THE LIFE OF HERMIONE'S CAT, HE (oh, sorry) grew up to fight crime. He turned Voldie into a slug and then stepped on his head. (Do they have heads?)
Before Ron killed Voldie, he had turned Harry into a slug and stepped on his head. (Do they have heads?)
Hermione later on revealed that she was, in reality, a slug, and she stepped on Ron's head. She also stepped on Voldie and Harry's heads a second time.
ENDING #2
Since Ron was such a juvenile delinquent and he had helped Monty escape from his padded cell, Voldie turned him into a slug and stepped on his head. (Do they have heads?)
In turn, Harry grew angry and turned Voldie into a slug and stepped on his head. (Do they have heads?)
Hermione later on revealed that she was, in reality, a slug, and she stepped on Harry's head. She also stepped on Voldie and Ron's heads a second time.
ENDING #3
Nobody was turned into a slug, no one was stepped on, no one got high on bookmarks, Thiamine Mononitrate, or cheese.
Gilderoy Lockheart said, "I am a starfish."
THE END
Well, just go on and tell me you expected THAT to happen, eh? Please review, and in that review, please include your favorite ending. And put that ending in a box. And put that box into another box. And mail that box to yourself andOh, nobody besides me has seen "The Emperor's New Groove"? OMG hilarious movie, a must see. Anyways (HA, Mrs. Warren, HA!) Just review it. Oh yes, if you flame me, I will think you are very stupid or shall I say stupidER because you were stupid in the first place to flame me after reading this or shall I say stupidEST for even reading this entire story in the first place. My, my, this note is a bit long so I shall stop. Goodnight, and may we hopefully be able to live through the first night with Dubya as President. Good Lord, please keep me safe. If I die, you can all be witnesses. It was Dubya!